Sick of the Yoga Blog

This is my original weight loss blog. I have been gone a while but need this outlet badly right now.

To catch up, a few months ago I got a new job. Which I love. That is going well. I am sitting in my own office as I speak with a panoramic view of a prairie restoration area and the sun rise on a cold morning. I just ate my breakfast of oatmeal eggs and juice after spending 40 minutes on the elliptical at the Y this morning which is about a block from here.

I am a certified yoga instructor now and am teaching a lot of yoga. I take every class I can for people who need subs. I teach yoga, flow, hot yoga, and yin. I love my students. I am going back for another 300 hours to become a yoga therapist. I am hoping this turns into a lucrative career at some point. I like my new job, but being an accountant is pretty boring and I love being involved with yoga.

Just being at the gym this morning showed me I am needed and this career should be booming soon. I am on the cutting edge of this. My training starts in March and will take a year to complete. I already read everything I can on yoga therapy but I have a lot to learn. This morning I saw a 55 to 60ish year old man running on the treadmill with his knee bandaged up. I imagine he had surgery on it. His body was so stiff and he was running so crooked I bet his hips must be crying. I saw a lot with other people. They are either just lolling along on a piece of equipment or just don't know what they are doing. Just because they go to a gym, doesn't mean they are fit. Most of them could have used a trainer. They were either doing something wrong or totally wasting their time. I do HIIT on the elliptical and check my heart rate all the time and at least break out a sweat.

Anyway it is 76 days until I get married and go to Maui, thus the heavy workouts and clean nutrition. I will come back and talk about diet soon. I need to read about where I have been first.

For now, me

DID NOT DISAPPEAR

I had to open another blog, which is about yoga. I just completed teacher training a month ago and now have a lot of homestudy and journaling is one of the assignments. Here is the link:

http://joansyogablog.blogspot.com/

It isn't very interesting to be honest.

Oh I am also back on weight watchers having gained ten pounds of ugly fat. I am so proud of myself!

THE THING

Crazy insane stuff this yoga is. I hadn’t been to Bikrams in a week and have been doing ‘flow’ type which, for me, just isn’t the same. It is yoga and it is good. And for some people. A lot of people actually. It is the thing for them. But the thing for me is Bikrams and really pretty much that is the only thing that solves ‘it’ for me.

Anyway I went to class last night and hadn’t been there for a week. After having this crazy colonoscopy stuff that three my body off, the weight gain, and the brain stuff that is driving me insane-o. And working as hard as I can to get the food thing on track, which is time consuming and also causing me big time brain problems. Right now, not listening to my brain is taking a lot of energy.

I knew I needed yoga last night but I walked into the studio and it was superhot and I didn’t think I would get through it, but I rocked it like a rockstar instead and just realize it is the only thing I get a total mental, physical, spiritual release from. It takes care of it all.

But that is just for me. It may not do that for anyone else but for me, it is the THING. That works. I am going back tonight. Might have a bad class but it really doesn’t matter. I know it will work and I know something will be better because listening to my brain right now is just bad. NOT a good place to be at.

Also on the subject of yesterday. Celebrity gain back. Has anyone seen Courtney Love. She is very skinny right now. Apparently she gained weight up to 182 pounds on a macrobiotic diet and now has lost 45 pounds in four months drinking two protein shakes a day and one meal of fish and veggies.

She will gain back. Because she is an addict. She just spent four months being addicted to a diet. She will fall off.

ALL GOOD FOR NOW

I am loving this new life I have, but I am super busy. It is fun being busy doing something you love. My ‘real’ job is not something I love. It is something I loathe. But, having the yoga training now gives me something to look forward to. I will be spending another full weekend in training but instead of thinking of it as something that will exhaust and drain me, I look at is as something that reinvigorates me. It gives me hope. That I won’t be always doing something I hate in a toxic workplace with toxic people. Hope is a good thing.

I am also not being as hard on myself for the small weight gain because this week I noticed that most people who lose gain, and the rest just gain. I am working with the Precision Nutrition program. I am getting married in February and we are going to Hawaii and I am taking no extra fat there.

At any rate, after reading several magazine articles about Janet Jackson and her great weight loss, I picked one up at the grocery store yesterday and yup. Janet has gained a ton back. I saw her 1200 calorie a day diet. No one can keep that up long term or life term. I would have been miserable on it for two days. Also, Kirstie Alley. Yup. Gained weight. I know those pictures of Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem look good, but I doubt and have not heard much raving about it. In fact,most of it is nutritionally devoid of anything wholesome and probably tastes like crap. From what I have heard anyways. I have never tried any of it. I don’t usually have frozen Smart Ones or any of that at home because it seems to me you are basically paying for the packaging. A lot of women carry them to work here to eat and when they make them in the microwave, I can smell that box smell and it doesn’t do much for me. I am sticking with superfoods and hoping I can keep this up. But 1200 calorie a day diets don’t work for me. I don’t like suffering.

Last week I had my first colonoscopy and basically had to starve for two days. This totally freaked my body out. I started a mini binge on Friday and then got myself in check. My digestive system is sort of back to normal today but I am so mentally and physically tuned into my body. My body just freaks out. Then my brain freaks out. I am trying to not listen to the brain much these days because it has been saying so much crazy stuff.
But it likes the yoga training and my new career. My mind, body, heart, and soul are very in tune with this. During the weekend we were in a yoga class and I just realized that this is the right thing to do and I could not not do this. I would regret that even with all the craziness going on. It is all good.

MESSED UP BIG TIME

By not getting on the scale for two months. Today I weighed myself and am up about ten pounds now from my lowest weight. That totally sucks. I just jump back on though because this is not acceptable, but it is predictable.

Because I am, after all, a yo yo dieter. The scale is my enemy. I have been known to not get on one for years and years. The last time I did it for a long period of time, I gained about 40 pounds. So this time, I got off easy. I was going through a lot of stress not weighing myself and now the stress is gone because I KNOW where I am and am not living in denial that no my pants aren't really getting tightere. Because they are. I hate saying that. But it is true.

This is a bad cycle I have been in all my life. It is self destructive and it makes me feel a lot of self-loathing so I punish myself by eating.

But I know I will lose it again. Everyone backslides. I am a yo yo dieter and a food addict and nothing will change that. If I would not have gotten on the scale in another two months, it would have been another ten pounds and at 20 pounds, I would be less likely to lose it. The ten pounds is doable. I am getting married next February and intend to be in the best shape of my life.

IT IS ALL GOING DOWN

This blog will eventually transform to a web site about me and my career as a yoga therapist. I just started my official teacher training as a certified yoga teacher. This December I start my training as a yoga therapist. I am hoping this gets me out of my current career as a CPA in accounting hell. Or at least some decent part time income on the side. My dream is to quit this place but the reality is the insurance and retirement is too good to give up, but I can tweak it. Maybe go part time? As a yoga therapist I can charge more per hour. Loving this.

Really superbusy right now and preparing for my first colonoscopy tomorrow.

OMG Everyone Is Fat

I went to the fireworks on Saturday night.

It is true. Everyone is fat. It is an epidemic but I don't think anyone realizes it because they are probably in denial that they are fat. I know I am obsessed over my weight and my body image but I have to think it is better than just not caring? And just not caring about their health.

Most women in my age group are overweight. I would say the obesity rate in the 30-50 age range is pretty high too. But the younger women? I really did not see one woman there who was fit or trim. Everyone was either out of shape or overweight or both. There was one young women there running around in a bikini who should not have been. I wouldn't call her that overweight but she had no muscle tone. It seems like the younger women, like in the 18 to 25 range aren't exactly overweight yet but there was a lot of midriff pudge, that I attribute to sugar being too prevalent in their diet.

I should stop complaining. Really. The only way to stay in shape and to look good is to be a little obsessive. The alternative seems to be not giving a damn and eating all the chips I want. I hated myself overweight. Do all these people, not just women either, there are plenty of overweight men, just accept it or are they as unhappy with themselves as I was.

It isn't about perfection. It is about caring about yourself and your health. The statistics are out there on obesity. Children. Obesity. Don't even get me going on that. Diabetes. High blood pressure. All these life style related diseases. No one is listening though. No one is really willing to do what it takes to live a better life. I will go back to the fireworks next year, just to see if people have gotten fatter.

Food Binge Alert

Yesterday I had a minor food binge in the morning. I hadn't had one in a couple of months. I stopped myself, got back on plan, but felt sick and still feel sick today. Thinking back on it I didn't eat that much. I had like three cokes, a candy bar, and some trail mix. Believe me, my normal food binges are more like five cokes, two candy bars, a bag of chips, and a box of crackers. The reason I had it is because:

1. I have been avoiding the scale. I decided to not go on before the wedding next week because if I don't like it I will freak out but I will do it the week after.
2. Major stress over finances and annoying people at work.

Also I am diet coke detoxing today. Not feeling good and most of the aftermath of the binge is emotions and trying to feel them, rather than eat them. I am dealing with the problems. One of my morning triggers is stopping at the convenience store for diet coke. Today I did not stop. Now I just have to keep doing that. My last three yoga classes have been crap too, probably for emotional reasons. The night before I had to go back in for a late night class because of the annoying people who work by me, and about halfway through I felt this major release of stress and it was gone. I also was sweating like crazy and could smell the diet coke coming out of my body, thus the reason for quitting. Again. It smelled metallic.

This has been a rough week. I feel beat up and tired. I am going to leave at lunch for yin yoga and then will go home and lick my wounds for the week.

On a good note, I am almost positive I am signing up next week for yoga therapy. In that I will be a yoga therapist. It is a 500 hour program. I mentioned it to the studio owner and she said she would LOVE to have a therapist on staff. It will work for me because I can get my referrals for my personal business right there.

NO LONGER JUST ABOUT THE WEIGHT LOSS

Something scarey is happening to me. I KNEW this would happen but I tried to avert. In spite of my intention of hoping yoga would not take me down the road of giving up my career for bliss but the eventual poverty of a life committed to yogadom and a better me, it is overcoming me and taking me down and the seed is planted. And it will grow. Growing it is doing.

I can’t stray from my path and I have found my path. I became an accountant and CPA to have financial security while raising a child as a single mom. It did that for me, but now it is damaging my soul. My workplace and the people in it are toxic. I have gone through a lot here at work and the people here have tried to diminish me so that my work place is poisonous. The people here are vile and empty. Although I approach them with all the compassion and understanding I possibly can.

I just see this is the wrong place for me. It is a means to an end and now I am open to the journey changing and the inevitability that I will walk away from the safety and security that people THINK this gives them. It doesn’t really though. I am so subject here to the whims of those above me and how they choose to view all of this. As hard as I have tried to work hard and fit it, it just does not work for me. It is not working for me.

I often wonder how this will play in my relationship. Which is also wonderful and safe, but there seems to be a distance between us and although I have tried to bring it together and work at it, the differences we have may eventually make us go our separate ways. Although I really hope not. I just don’t know what John wants for himself. I ask. But he doesn’t say.

I like my journey though. I can only work on what I am doing. My daughter seems to want me to do it all for her, but I can’t do that either. She seems to want to go back to being dependent and the way it was when it was just us two. I loved that too, but she is 20. She needs to move on and have a life.

I don’t know why people think education is always the answer. It is worthwhile in itself, but I have a lot of degrees and I make decent money. If I was unskilled labor I would be wishing I had what I have now, but I experienced it. It isn’t what it is cracked up to be. I had an old friend tell ME this the other day about my daughter, who now works full time and does college part time. People seem to think this is BAD. She informed me that J finishing her degree is important. To me, who has three degrees and she doesn’t have one herself. Uh. WTF? Okay. Her severely dyslexic son is starting his first year in college this year and the chance of him not completing a degree in four or five years is extremely high. My daughter, who works in a bank was SHOCKED that someone who just graduated from her school with a business degree is starting out at the same bank making just a little more than her. I am not shocked, plus the kid is probably 50-60 thou in debt. College education has become a business. Like health care. I digress.

I am going to full on yoga teacher training this fall. I am following my own path and not judging others. Trying not to anyways.

New Blog Stuff

Uh yeah that pic is misleading. That is NOT me. I actually do that pose better with an older slightly flabbier body. I will have to post a new picture soon.
I really shouldn’t gripe about my body that much. It isn’t that bad. I really just need a giant swift kick in the butt and the only person who can do that is me. Well today, while looking for a pic to post, I ran across some before pics from 2004 and 2005 with me in bikini in both. Can’t believe my fiancé took those pics and still wanted to marry me. The pics were about 50-60 or more pounds ago. Frightening. I actually thought or convinced myself I didn’t look that bad but I was flabby as hell. My stomach which makes me ill now looks like a bowl of jello. Just horrible. It is enough to whip my butt into shape. It is all about the food and I know what I need to do.
I remember when it all changed almost two years ago this coming August. The day I decided I could not be fat one more day and no matter how long it took, I was not going to go backwards, only down the scale. I made a decision that day and stuck with it. Through thick and thin. I have no concept of what I really look like. I picked up a size 8 skirt at Ann Taylor yesterday and decided to take it home and try it on and if it didn’t fit, I would go back and pick up a bigger size.
Only it fit. But I worry I will wake up one day and be a size 12. I know I have improved my physique but the other day in yoga this woman about my age who is an amazing yogini and has an amazing body wore shorts. She always wears pants. But she looked so amazing and had gorgeous legs. She should NEVER wear pants. Not with those legs. Anyway though I mentally compete with her in yoga. Yeah, I know a big no no. I also held her up as a image of what I would like to look like. But see this woman has probably never been overweight. I struggle with loose skin on parts of my body. It gets better but if I had never been so fat, my skin would be a lot smoother and there would not be this skin hanging from my abs. I will work at it because I don’t have 7000 to get my tummy tucked!

Anyway just looking around at women my age in general is pretty sad. Plus there are a lot of young people who are flabby. And children. Society is sad these days. There is so much bad food out there. But the fact of the matter is I can not eat and drink what I want and wear a size 8. I will bloat up to the size I was in those pics quickly. They were truly sickening. I really despised myself.
Being a fat person is hard. Getting through a day with that issue is a million times harder than exercising and weighing food and packing food and prepping food. I wouldn’t trade a day now for one of those days for any reason. It was horrible. I hated myself. I was not a happy fat person. Maybe there are happy fat people but I was not one of them.

Low Carb Diet

I started the fourth phase diet in afterburn three days ago. I did lose some fat noticeably. My jeans are definitely looser. I totally admire these women who can do this and I can see where it would get you ripped but I bonked bad after 20 minutes on the elliptical yesterday and almost passed out from three days of lettuce fish and chicken and egg whites. I rushed over to whole foods and ate a multigrain roll and a container of pineapple and raspberries and still barely made it through yoga last night. I am sticking to the main form of this diet but adding some more fats and fruit. Maybe the fat loss will be slower, but man, how can people do this. It was okay the first two days but ten days. If that is what it takes, I might have to settle with where I am at.

I went to two days of fabulous yoga teacher training last week. I had four sessions. The first was a meditation and closed eye flow class with Johnny Kest. Great way to start the conference. I have meditated every day since and Johnny said to email him when you spend an hour in total stillness with no physical movement. I am almost there.

The next session was anatomy with Paul Grilley. I have his dvd, but he is funny and smart in person and his wife was there and was cool, so it was a fun session. We used some great examples right in our class of how differences in skeletal structure from person to person affects what you can and can not do in yoga.

The third session was with Nicky Doane and her hubby Eddie Modestini. Might have spelled his name wrong. I think they were my faves. They live in Maui. How lucky can you get. She was an amazing yogini. She is on the third series of astanga yoga which is extremeley advanced. He helped me with some questions on my knee issues. He was the most knowledgeable person there with a lot of experience and a great understanding of anatomy. Their session was three hours of inversions. I came out with a sore back from the handstands and headstands but I was able to do everything, which was remarkable. Shows what good teaching can do.

The last session was a flow class and adjustments with Gail Mondry, a Kest protegee. She is very physical with her adjustments. Her flow was the best flow I have ever done. In the cold room, I worked up a big sweat. She was an amazing person. Wish I could go to more of her classes.

This week back to the work and continual daughter drama. Oh and the low carb thing. One month till the wedding. I bought the dress from Cache and got some shoes. I won't be at the weight I wanted but have worked out like a mad man. Results are slow at this stage. I would be happy with five pounds at this point. But the carbs are back. I had oatmeal with blueberries this morning with my egg whites and felt like I was in heaven.

This Week's Goals

This week's goals of working out and calories have been met for the most part. I skipped my cardio yesterday because I was attending this:

http://www.innerfireyogacenter.com/newsandevents.htm

Check out his web site:

http://www.esakgarcia.com/

This guy is totally my hero. He gave a demo of his yoga poses and it was incredible to see this in person. He talked about his training for this. Basically he trained for four years about 4-5 hours a day of repetitive contortionist training. I have a web site on contortionist training and basically he did a million backbends among other things to increase his spine flexibility and anyone can do it. I am starting my training today.
After the demo he taught a Bikram class and I totally tanked and almost puked and was dizzy and almost fainted. I don't think I fueled right and was tired from three workouts the day before. The last time I felt that tanked was when we hiked down the Angel Bright Trail at the Grand Canyon in July and I almost didn't make it back out. (The day previous to the hike I did a 7 mile run in the heat too) So I have no one but myself to blame. Wednesday should have been a rest day. I ate at two in the afternoon and the class was at 7. I should have eaten between 4 or 5. Anyway I know I was dehydrated because I sweat out buckets of sweat during the class and all the way home in the car. Then I was frozen from being in those sweaty clothes afterwards. Today I am tired and a little nauseous but will do my lunch cardio and will go home and do a full primary series of Astanga yoga and my new backbend routine. At least I can pass out in bed afterwards. I never learn.

And I still have in my mind at age 50 that I can do what Esak is doing. I never learn.

Monday

I finally lost a pound. Whoopee! It was hard work. Actually, I think I ate a little more lately. The whole detoxing thing I was doing resulted in nothing but driving me a little nuts for a while. Now I am pretty much trying to stay at about 1500 calories a day for the next seven weeks until I attend my friend’s son’s wedding. I ordered a Vera Wang dress. Hope it fits. It is low in the back and I think I am firm enough there, but if not, I can send it back but it is gorgeous and I can use it for my marriage next year. We are not having a wedding of any sort. We are going to Hawaii. So I have a long term goal of getting into actual bikini shape for that.I am doing the Josh Hills last seven pound workouts. Ironically that is my goal for the final six weeks of this program. I am also ramping up the cardio this week. I just haven’t been able to do as much as I want and I know that will make a huge difference. That with clean eating ought to allow me to get into the shape I want to be in by July 7. I did about a million squats and lunges yesterday and am hurting in a good way today.
The most important thing though is the food. I really walk a fine line between eating well and over or under eating. Today I am logging in very few calories for the amount of exercise I am doing, but I eat more over the weekend, but this weekend I did not binge. I fluctuate on my calories. No way can I anally do 1500 a day no more or less. Some days it may even go over 2000. After I attain my July goal it will be strict maintenance. No more dieting. I have been dieting for too long. If it weren't for the binges, I would probably weigh about a hundred pounds.
People still aggravate me. Two big women I work with started weight watchers and the same week decided to plan an ice cream social at work. I don't even participate in those at work and haven't in a long time, but in the first few weeks of weight watchers, you are pretty vulnerable. It is just a catalyst for disaster and they won't last at weight watchers. I went to an actual meeting this Saturday and there were about ten people there. No lie. Even a month ago there was more but back in January there was a hundred or more per meeting. The failure rate is just so huge for weight loss. Most of them probably quit and are attending ice cream socials at work. I don't even stay for the meetings. There are some women there that have been there almost as long as I have that are still overweight. These people aren't trying. It was good for me in active loss because I liked getting stickers and awards for acheiving my goals. My goals are differenet now and I can't handle the distraction of people whining about not liking exercise or drinking water or eating vegetables which is pretty much every weekend. It worked for me for a while.

Doing Good

I am meticulously logging calories and staying at 1500 right now, maybe closer to 1600. I am planning a couple of 1800 calorie days a week. My workouts are under control and I am fueled enough with protein and the right carb ratios that weight loss should be imminent. I am in the driver’s seat again. I have been studying all the lit I have, volumes, on fat loss and feel the diet I was trying to stay on was way too restrictive, thus bringing about the binges. I had to kind of go back to my old philosophy of not restricting most foods. This is working out better and I feel more satisfied and feel healthier. I am not low carbing it and am not starving all of the time. The right mental attitude is back that I will lose and I will be in the best shape of my life in eight weeks for the wedding. I am back to the Josh workouts and feel better all ready. I have tapered my yoga to about 3-4 a week. I can’t do all the workout and do 5-6 yoga classes a week. I know a lot you hardcore people out there think yoga is for pussys, but not Bikrams. If you saw me in Bikram yoga, you would be impressed with the strength and intensity I bring to the yoga. No kidding.

I THINK I AM OKAY NOW

Finally talked myself off the fence I think. It took a lot of introspection and thought and being honest with myself. I knew eating was the problem so I spent some time reflecting, reading, looking back at what worked and it all comes down to food. I am going to taper off on the double workout days and go back to the fitness and weights and cardio because I was feeling so fit and now don't feel as fit as I did. Also I have decided to weigh in daily even if it drives me nuts, which it does, but otherwise I will lose my accountability.

I also have to rid myself of the binge eating. I have been binging on the weekends which is hard to undo. I binge on Saturdays and then diet for six days to take it off. It is the 'free day' mentality. Plus the fact if I start on one 'treat' food on Saturday invariably I move on to another since I have 'blown' it and I am going to clean it up the next day anyways. This mentality is just not working for me. I need to eat clean with occasional cheat meals. Maybe one or two a week within my calorie range.

Geez it is so hard to be so honest with yourself. Lying and being in denial is so much more fun.

I visited my 90 year old mother this weekend. She is having some memory problems and health issues and I think this is the first time I visited her without fighting. She gave me a compliment and warned me she doesn't give those out very often. (So nice to be SO supportive mom and I am SO glad you felt the need to do this.) She called me capable. That isn't bad for her. I prefer skinny and don't look my age. Anyway it was nice of her to bestow her approval I don't need any more after 50 years but I think she is right. The reason I am capable now is because I got my life in order with food and nutrition and just about everything else, including that wonderful fiance of mine.

I can't afford to blow all of that.

THANKS GUYS!

Great feedback from my hoards of readers.

One good thing I have done since I reached my goal last summer was to basically maintain and from a 50-60 pound loss, the odds were against me. Think about it. The odds are well against someone reaching goal, but the odds against keeping it in the first year are way way way lower. I have yo yoed my whole life. I have achieved goal many times or come close or not even close and every time, I have gained back the weight plus.

Since this time was DIFFERENT, I had to examine why. One reason was scale denial. I have literally gone ten years in my life without weighing myself. No lie. And I have no clue what my highest weight was at the top. Maybe 280? I have seen pictures of me at my highest weight and that is a definite possibility. Do you want to hear something REALLY hilarious. When I was at that weight I insisted to other people that I was not really that heavy. I worked out after all and carried a lot of muscle, which I still do. That was a pretty bad state of denial when you have to start convincing the world to get in there with you and believe your bs. So in order to stay at goal, I have to use the scale as a measure. So any gain, totally freaks me out. I can think of every excuse to not weigh in and every week I do. I try to talk myself out of it and I panic over it. And I make myself do it. Most of the time.

Yeah the weight training and HIIT cardio is essential, because I to have logged in hours on the elliptical and hours of yoga while I lost the weight. But I do not have the body I want. I have gone through over half the afterburn program and the weight gain freaks me out. I don’t want to get in the denial that I am really doing well. I really have to have that scale down before I get back to it. So think of this as a hiatus. I am freaked out and I have to have some control. I have to figure this food thing out and I have to burn out a little fat over the next two weeks and then I will figure out what to do.

But you are all right. Absolutely. I do need to write to Skwigg and I know EXACTLY what she will say. But I need to get this food under control or nothing will work. I will get fit/fat again.

The only other thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I NEVER WANT TO BE FAT AGAIN. Not ever ever ever. The few pounds I have extra now is really blowing my self-esteem and causing a lot of self doubt about everything in my life. It is absolutely debilitating.
Thanks for the support.

DETOX MONDAY

My weight has been steadily going up. Very slowly. This week showed a three pound gain. I have been trying to blame it on the weight training but I had to break it all down and be totally honest. My nutrition is the problem. Mainly I have been binging one day a week and then dieting the rest. I also give myself little treats and don’t count for them. I know I did not really gain three pounds though. That is a scale aberration but the panic and shock from this caused me to halt immediately and re-evaluate.

I am doing a 14 day detox and laying off all exercise besides yoga until I get on track and take off this six pound gain. The strange thing is that this is not showing in my clothes. My body shape has changed from the workouts I am doing, but I think I should be experiencing more fat loss so it shows better so that is what the next two weeks are about. The first day was tough.

The worst thing is the difference this makes in my mental attitude. I know when I was at the lowest weight I felt great and this six pounds is confusing me. It feels like 60 pounds. I need to work on my mental attitude.

The most important aspect of this is DENIAL. I am in denial about what I am eating and I am compromising my trigger foods so I need to eliminate them. My trigger foods are crunchy chippy things and soda pop. This detox should help. I am doing this for 14 days and then will re-evaluate and decide where to proceed. I need to get the nutrition under control or nothing will help. I listened to some experts on the Busy Woman’s Guide to Fat Loss and all the experts were quite firm and reinforced that NOTHING works without the proper nutrition.

If I sound calm, believe me, I have had my freak out. The weird thing is that my clothes fit better and I look better but there is too much fat. I want to eliminate this six pounds before it turns to 60.

Frustrated

Over the ab flab. Seems like I eat superclean and have been working out so hard and just don't feel like I am getting results quick enough. All I can do is keep it up but I get tired of logging food and planning the hours of exercise I do and just not having the body I want.

On a good front, I am getting more opportunities to teach yoga. THAT truly excites me and inspires me in so many ways. Teaching yoga has been one of the most remarkable experiences of my life. My yoga practice is already precious to me but I get into a totally different mind set but now I regard teaching as practice too. It is all the same. Really. I am looking for some opportunities to get more training and would like to go away for a couple of weeks next year. I am looking into some training in California. I am going to Midwest Yoga Conference for some teacher training sessions next month.

Tonight I practice.

Food is clean today. I have low carbed it this week and had oatmeal for breakfast and just lingered over it. Hope to have a good weigh in this week.

HERE!

Since I got a request to start bloggin, blog I will. I thought I was a lone dark voice in the middle of nowhere.

I won’t use the superbusy excuse to not blog but I sort of have been. I started that Alwyn Cosgrove Afterburn and after eight weeks I am seeing results. My body just did this abrupt change especially since I am nailing the nutrition.

You see folks nutrition is 90% of the equation. Now the workouts are totally reshaping my body but without the food plan, I would not be losing the bodyfat I am.
I am doing some tough workouts but the nutrition is so key to this. That plus intense workouts mean bodyfat lose and a hot bod. So right now I am more intense than ever on getting what I want. Which is a rocking body at age 50 that a 20 year old would want.

And I am not that far from it. My gym is on a Big Ten campus and as a worker bee here I can use their shitty facility for a nominal fee. This is hardly a nice health club. It has everything in it, but not in the best environment. For one thing it is really busy. But as hard as these kids workout I see few bodies I admire. These girls have no clue. They go and do a bunch of crunches, then do a leisurely 30 minutes on the elliptical while reading a magazine and then out to drink beer for the weekend. Since when do 20 year old girls have love handles. I am at the point where I can see what they need. Most of them need to train on weights, tighten up the nutrition, lose the beer, and work up a sweat once in a while.

On top of all this I am going to Bikrams 4-5 times a week. Oh yeah, and now I am teaching HOT yoga, which is Bikrams in disguise. My students really like my classes. Actually this has been life transforming for me. I have only taught seven classes, eight counting tomorrow, but I am beginning to question am I an accountant who is a yoga teacher or a yoga teacher who does accounting. Being a yoga teacher feels more true to my authentic self. I struggle with my real job, but feel natural at teaching yoga. Actually that is what people keep saying to me. You are a natural. Wow. Life transforming.

I also quit Ediets. I could no longer relate to the people on there. It seems like they were using their emotional problems as excuses to keep fat rather than actually working at the emotional problems. It is an easy veil to hide behind. I did it. Getting rid of the denial took a LOT of work. I no longer live in any denial where I can discern it whether it is about food, family, life or whatever. I am very aware of it in others though. Someone comes up with excuses for something and I go oh yeah, ah DENIAL. My daughter actually did this. She is overweight and has been working at it and whined to me a week ago that high blood pressure, obesity and diabetes were HEREDITARY and she had it on both sides of the family and is scared. I chased her out of that. I said the only thing on both sides of the family are lifestyles conducive to those problems and if she did not change the lifestyle that she is at risk, but she does not have these things in her genes. Maybe the proclivity for obesity but she isn’t inheriting it, like on that stupid blood pressure commercial. God I hate that. Pharmaceutical companies LYING to us to see drugs and make us want to take their drugs. They also make it look attractive to be on prescription poison. Actually they do make it look sexy etc. It is called marketing. Be aware. These are the people who sold this company a bill of goods about tobacco and alcohol and now use it for the food they poison us with.Does that seem drastic enough?

I TOLD THEM SO

I have noticed for the past few months that there has been an awful sour odor emanating from my fiance’s boy bathroom and that one of them was having quite the episodes in there and I narrowed it down to the 20 year old. He keeps turning the fan on for hours and I have to shut the door now every time I go by. Yesterday I could smell it downstairs. I mentioned it to him and he talked to the kid about it and sure enough, he has been having problems for several months.
I am not surprised. The two boys were raised on prepared foods. They never eat a fruit or vegetable of any sort. That is NOT an exaggeration. When I first moved there I idealistically thought I could change them but they resisted and now I have to eat my own meals separately. They won’t eat what I eat and I won’t eat what they eat. I am thinking this kid has diverticulitis or IBS. He is supposed to go to the doctor this week.
No matter what he needs a radical change to his diet of frozen chicken patties and frozen pizzas. He won’t even eat whole potatos. It has to be instant. I tried teaching df about perimeter shopping but he buys nothing on the perimeter except milk and high fat hamburger. They eat any dinner out of a box. Lots of bologna and hot dogs. White bread.

Hate to say I told them so. But I did. Plus the 15 year old started a sport and got hurt. Again. He weighs a hundred and minus nothing. His diet is the worst. Orange soda and chips and candy. One in a while some chicken. No milk. He may have a stress fracture in his hip from track. Surprising? No.

Then I come into work and my coworker is having stomach problems and may have an ulcer. Her diet is horrible too. She talks about losing weight but never does it. Someone just brought a bowl of taco salad they made out and of course she had some.

My weight is slowly ever so slowly coming down again and I don’t eat perfect, but I know this is ongoing. I prefer the healthy food I eat now to the crap I see other people stuff themselves with. I find it alarming living in a household with two young kids who really have rarely had a healthy meal in their lives and now starting to see the consequences. I think df is alarmed though. He went to the grocery store and actually brought some veggies and fruit and had oatmeal and berries for breakfast himself. He can’t say I didn’t warn him.

Low Carbs

Are killing me. I am on a 40/40/20 nutrition plan right now. My only carb is oatmeal in the morning and popcorn at night. Not counting fruits and veggies. I am starving all the time. I just had lunch of chicken and salad and a small piece of dark chocolate. Yesterday was a big workout day. I did a new Alwyn Cosgrove workout and it went fast. I thought it wasn't very effective but today is creeping up and kicking my butt. I also did 50 minutes of elliptical. Today I will do yoga.

I quit my Ediets membership. I feel I have moved up a level or two and that listening people to talk about avoiding food at work is not useful for me. I haven't eaten at a work potluck for years and now that I have a reputation around here, I wouldn't get in a line and even pick at fruits and veggies with the coworkers carefully watching what I eat. I have long been a closet eater anyways. Food tastes better when I am alone. Kind of a eating/masturbatory thing I have going on. LOL

I might be teaching my third class in yoga next week if the teacher I am subbing for doesn't cancel her vacation. Hope not. I got some new yoga clothes from Victorias Secret. I probably won't wear them to practice in but have to look cute teaching. The sweat in Bikrams just ruins your clothing. I wear short shorts, sports bra, and long tanks. I can not let my midriff show now, if ever, and I can't stand long pants or capris sticking to my legs with sweat.

I am seeing some results but after five weeks am starting to feel like I am stuck with this extra flab and skin. My clothes are fitting better but my body has never really been in better shape than this. Plus the fact that I am 50 and have spent most of my life as a fat person makes me think this is it. My body does not want to budge off weight or get in better shape. I was looking at Rachel Hunter and think she has a fabulous body at her age, but she has never been obese so how can I even think of getting to that point. I will keep plugging away though. Would love to see some flab leave the abs, but it sure is hard.

HAVING A RARE SKINNY DAY

So I wore a dress and high heels. The locals are pretty restless over it. I work in a government office building and I live in Wisconsin. Read Translation: There are a lot of heavy women here and no one dresses very well. I like to dress well. For one thing it keeps me in check with eating. Especially since I normally buy clothes that are snug.

Having high heels on where I work, for one thing, is a major disruption for all. For one thing, men aren't used to it around here or probably at home. The women around here are Rockport women. Flat, comfortable, ugly shoes. So I get a lot of glares from the women. I don't care though. I am not dressing fug so the fugly women feel better about themselves. I have been there already.

I don't weigh in this week but my food has been fantastic. A couple of off things, but for the most part, pretty tight and will tighten up as the next weigh in approaches. I have two workouts planned for the next three days.

I don't slough off on the weekend. I am usually pretty active and now that the weather is getting warmer, more so. I can't wait to get my veggie garden in . I learned a lot from last year, my first year veggie gardening. The thing I learned was to thin out the garden. We had tons of cukes and squash and couldn't eat them all. Most people don't like a ton of squash so couldn't even give it away. I had a bounty of tomatos though and want to this year. The end of the summer was paradise. My dinner every night was whatever protein I wanted to burn on the grill and a fresh tomato and cuke salad with balsamic on it. Heavenly.

This weekend we are going out to eat. I think I will pick an Italian place that has my fav salmon and spinach dish. To die for and healthy.

Well can't wait to get out of here today. My fat loud work neighbors have not shut the hell up all day and I am pretty weary of them.

SMALL MEALS SUK!

I am on about five minimeals and just had 'lunch' which was chicken, part of a yam and a small piece of dark chocolate. Today I am hating this program. I did 30 minutes HIIT on the elliptical and that was all I had. Boo hoo for me.

I will probably end up eating my mid afternoon meal in about an hour, but that has to hold me over a yoga class. Dinner will be good tonight though so hopefully I make it that long.

After the next 13 weeks, I AM going on maintenance. No lie. No more dieting. I just have to figure what that is. Actually I have maintained for the past 8 months by binging and dieting. That plan has to go. No more fast and famine for me.

Update

I will not be a certified Bikram yoga teacher. I am just teaching hot yoga and am working on a 200 hour certification with Yoga Allicane. I would love to go to Bikram training but really can't take nine weeks off work. Maybe some day!

I had a 1.4 pound loss but then sort of had a food binge over the weekend. It wasn't a really bad one but I just ate some things I should not have. Now I am making up for it. Food is the hardest part of this for me. Although I am satisfied with what I eat now.

My goal right now is to lose a pound a week. I weigh in a week from Saturday so am sure I can do it.

WHO ARE THEY KIDDING

I was on the elliptical doing HIITs for about 55 minutes yesterday and noticed how little effort most people put in their workouts. (I am working it HARD right now and am sure my trainer buds will yell at me for the long session, but it just felt so good.)

Anyway most of these people are wasting space on the cardio equipment. I go to a gym that is on a big ten campus so most of the people there are kids 18-22. There are people who work here that go there, but mostly kids. It is funny watching the girls workout pre-Spring Break. They do this every year. They go in and do a ton of crunches and then take a magazine on the elliptical for a leisurely stroll. I am there working my butt off and sweating. A lot of these girls don’t need to work that hard though, but a lot of them look like they don’t know what they are doing and it makes me laugh. Plus you can tell there is too much body fat on them for the abs to show so I can tell they are doing nothing with nutrition. Probably drinking beer all weekend and eating salads all week.

My experts convinced me to stick with the Afterburn program so I did a weight workout last night. I will be full on to it next week. I have a weigh in Friday morning so don’t want to weigh in with my muscles holding on to a lot of water. Today is yoga, tomorrow cardio and yoga, and the same for Friday. Will start hard and heavy Saturday with weights. I think mentally I feel I am ‘different’ and this won’t work for me. So I have to battle mostly with myself.

I did change up my nutrition. I was advised to go to 1200 for a few weeks but have ended up at about 1300. I logged my Fitday and Weight Watcher logs and this is where I want to be. I noticed I have significantly cut back on the fat and have upped the protein. Am sure I will tweak this more next week.

THREE WEEKS IN

And I have had a freak out. My weight was up 2.2, 8 pounds now over my lowest weight in December so I had to consult with the experts and people I trust and even emailed Cosgrove and got some tips and after thinking about trashing the program the consensus I came up with was to stick with the program and cut back on calories which, ugh, hurts.

I just wonder if I am ever going to get to the point where I can eat normal and not constantly be dieting. Will I ever have a normal metabolism? The thing is my clothes all fit the same. I do not see where this weight is either that or I don't want to see it? I don't get it.

I did rejoin weight watchers online and am logging my food in point style. I am also cutting on carbs and upping the protein except for today which is kind of a higher carb day but the calories are in check and I am doing cardio so need the carbs. I looked back at the weeks before I got to my low weight and my calories are about in that range. Sucks. I am starving right now. I am also cutting back on fats a bit.

In other news, I taught two yoga classes and I did very well. I hope I can teach again soon, but for now might be able to sub some. It was an amazing experience. Much more fun than my normal 9-5 accounting job. Snooze and snore.

Yoga Teacher

Some months ago, I started participating in a yoga teacher apprentice program at my yoga studio and tomorrow I am teaching my first yoga class alone. I can’t wait. I did a practice on Monday and it went really well. I have been working on the dialogue a lot and feel comfortable and ready. I know a lot of the students and am not intimidated at all. I practice a lot and work at the front desk so people are familiar with me. It will be cool.

I think I am shrinking from my program but the scale will tell tomorrow if there is fat loss. A few weeks ago I noticed a bulge in the waist and that seems to be gone. It is hard work though because I am doing a strict Afterburn program with 4-5 hot sweaty 90 minute sessions of yoga a week. I don’t want to over train but do feel very tired physically. Today I am just doing my cardio session and then relaxing. I am doing a yoga class tomorrow and then teaching tomorrow. Sunday I will do yoga and weights.

The nutrition is the hardest part for me and the scale totally freaks me out. I talked myself out of going last week because I had been on a food binge the prior Saturday. I have been binge free for two weeks. That is one of my problems. Binge eating. Yup, I will admit it. Then I have to diet to take it off.There is a huge woman I work by who I can’t stand. Never talk to her. The woman eats all day long. At my heaviest I never ate that much. She is eating chips and cookies constantly. I feel like I am eating constantly too, fruit, raw nuts, protein shakes. She munches on chips all morning, goes out for pizza, then eats all afternoon. What are people thinking? I just eat a lot at once and then suffer for it all week. An eating disorder is an eating disorder though.

Perfect Nutrition

I had a perfect nutrition day yesterday. I sincerely believe nutrition is 90% of it. That being said, I also worked out hard and can feel it today. I just did a weight session. Today I am doing cardio and a yoga class. I also prepped food yesterday. That was fun. I grilled chicken, sauteed some spinach in garlic and pam, and grilled some salmon patties I got at Whole Foods.

I took measurements and my stomach seems to be down about an inch. My waist may be down about half an inch.

Yesterday I watched Oprah and Dianne Caroll, Norah Ephron, and Geena Davis were there talking about aging with their faces full of botox. Can women not see through this? Anyway they were talking about their bodies falling apart and that now they don't diet and blah blah blah. Kind of like the average woman only they have all the plastic surgery so at least their faces look great. I thought their bodies looked like crap. Geena is okay, but at least work out girl. She had such a great bod. I am not letting mine go, I am fighting aging without the botox. It kind of sucks though because there are just things you can't reverse in the aging process. Oh well at least my body is pretty much in one piece.

New Day

Yesterday was a rest day from exercise. I went to Milwaukee to visit my daughter and my eating was off. I was hungry when I got home and ate a pork chop, salad, and popcorn. Today I am back on plan.

Today I teach my very first yoga class. Just to us "apprentices" but will be 90 minutes of nonstop talking. Then I will take a hot flow class and come home to do my weight routine.

I know I am not getting enough rest. My days seem like they are about 13 hours long and I am doing a lot of exercise. The bonus is that I tried on a medium dress in Target and there were really no rolls of fat so I believe I am stripping some fat loss.

I did not have time to weigh in this weekend.

Today I am starting out strict on plan with Alym's nutrition.

New Program

I am two weeks into the Alwyn Cosgrove program and the jury is out. This is supposed to burn fat and of course, I lost no weight the first week. My clothes do feel better and I do feel less flabby but I am just sick of working out so much and logging food and seeing no difference in my body. It seems it doesn't want to budge out any flab. Plus the exhausting double workouts. I haven't foregone yoga. I can't give it up. But the workouts and constant food monitoring is fine, if I start seeing some results.

I have been thinking a lot about how exhausting, albeit worth it, this process is. I gained a few pounds and it is so hard to take it off, but at least it is not 10 to 20. That is the reason I keep at it. I almost feel like if I even gained back 10, or 5, I would give up. I put on like three pounds over vacation, which is weird since I had food poisoning and threw up and had diarrhea for about a week, but there it is. Nothing came off last week. So gaining 5 or 10 or 20 would be daunting for me to lose mentally. It goes on much easier than it comes off.

I work hard at this. I get so tired of people who ask me questions looking for easy answers. They just are not there. No one works as hard at this as I do.

Dogs - Off Topic

Now I do love them. We have an old lab Ace whom I love dearly. However, I know this will offend people, but.....dogs are not people.

I love a cute dog story occasionally but have friends and acquaintances who talk way too much about their pets.

I have a friend with two shit-zoos. She just got a new one last week. They are really like children to her and her husband, but I came back from a vacation and I have a daughter and all she wants to do is yack at me about how cute the puppy is and it's pooping activities. It is all I can do to say get a life to her. I even brought up our own Acie's pooping activity on my nice wool rug, which she wasn't at all interested in. I am so glad I have more of a life than that though honestly.

Like I said I do love animals, but they are animals. She treats them like children and doesn't discipline them and you go over and they just yap and jump on you. They aren't pleasant to be around. My sister's dog was like that too. She would take him with her in the car everywhere and she would pick you up and the car was full of dog hair and when you started talking the dog would start barking and she thought it was cute.

It wasn't.

Anyway I seem to be running into a lot of this lately. And am tired of hearing everyone's dog and cat poop, eating, and sleeping activities. This friend had two of her dogs die last year. They were ancient. Really. Their time was long past. Then she said she and her hubby missed them and all the memories they had of them. Which always seem to be pooping memories. At least kids get potty trained eventually.

Df and I decided when old Acie dies, which won't be long away if he keeps pooping on my rug, their will be no more animals. My kid has moved out and his oldest is moving this year and then all we will have is his 15 year old, which will leave one day and our half dead dog.

I think people who are the best caretakers discipline their dogs and raise them to not be spoiled or annoying to guests. Just like kids. I don't like whiney kids or dogs humping my leg. You aren't doing dogs, or kids, any favors by spoiling them and letting them run your life.

Like I said, I love dogs. I like a good dog story. But enough is enough.

Still Here

I just got back a few days ago from a week's vacation in Vegas. My 50th birthday present. We had some great experiences but I got sick from the barf-et we ate at one night and am just getting over it. We saw a couple of Circque de Soleil shows and I bought a new Tiffany necklace and some Channel sunglasses so all is well. The weather was great considering it was 19 below when we left and the high was about 70 there. I am back in mid February hell here in Wisconsin.

Still feeling the effects of the food poisoning though. I am certain it was not flu. I think. I am very tired and can't wait for the weekend to chill out and rest a little. Vegas was definitely not my kind of place. Once was enough. I need some relaxation on a vacation besides laying in bed and barfing and having diarrhea from the food. Next year we are getting married and going back to Couples in Jamaica for a vacation. Now that is MY kind of vacation. The food was great, I could buy pot there, and could relax and do yoga every day.

I am sure I lost weight with this plague. I bought Alwyn Cosgrove's Afterburn program and was going to start that Monday but am not up to the exercise yet. I did yoga yesterday but it was rough. This has been the first day I could eat normal food so am working my way into the nutrition plan and hope to be exercising tomorrow or the day after. I will probably keep the blog up better hereafter. I have stayed the same on the scale pretty much since I hit maintenance and really have not improved physically. Except my yoga practice really has improved a lot. But I have this flabby belly and some other areas so I need this now. I hope it doesn't make me gain like P90X did. It is supposed to be a fat loss, but I think this is a totally different program and you don't hit the weights as hard right away as you do in Tony Horton's program. I would like some physique improvement by summer.

Anyway back to the grind at work and diet and exercise. Hopefully I will be teaching yoga by this summer. I am putting my goal of getting a certification in personal training on hold. I have had a lot of daughter issues lately and need to get in some sort of groove again and be able to not have her stress in my life. We are getting there.

Just so tired from that vacation.

Blog Deserter

Blog Deserter

And I don’t mean desserter. I haven’t been here for a while. Not because I gained weight back, which I haven’t. I have lost. But because technically I am in maintenance. So I am changing the name.

This was the first year in my life, which will be 50 this year, that I did not have a goal of THIS being the year I lose that weight. I did not greet the new year with regret and denial.

I greeted the new year with gratitude for sticking to my goal and working hard to achieve it. No small accomplishment.
But a new year means new goals. My goal is to perfect what I have attained. That means redefining my goal, which is to be in the best shape of my life and to lose another 7 pounds of fat. I have changed my regime for nutrition from the weight watcher flex plan to the weight watcher core plan, which will take ‘tweaking’. I will read more on nutrition.
For now my fitness goal is to keep up the Bikram yoga 5-7 times a week and 40-60 minutes on the elliptical 4-6 times a week.

I will go back to weight training but found that I did not lose but just got big and kind of bulky. Don’t let that scare anyone to weight train. I am in the minority of women who does bulk up. But I will get back to it when I lose the 7 pounds.That is it for now.