This Week's Goals

This week's goals of working out and calories have been met for the most part. I skipped my cardio yesterday because I was attending this:

http://www.innerfireyogacenter.com/newsandevents.htm

Check out his web site:

http://www.esakgarcia.com/

This guy is totally my hero. He gave a demo of his yoga poses and it was incredible to see this in person. He talked about his training for this. Basically he trained for four years about 4-5 hours a day of repetitive contortionist training. I have a web site on contortionist training and basically he did a million backbends among other things to increase his spine flexibility and anyone can do it. I am starting my training today.
After the demo he taught a Bikram class and I totally tanked and almost puked and was dizzy and almost fainted. I don't think I fueled right and was tired from three workouts the day before. The last time I felt that tanked was when we hiked down the Angel Bright Trail at the Grand Canyon in July and I almost didn't make it back out. (The day previous to the hike I did a 7 mile run in the heat too) So I have no one but myself to blame. Wednesday should have been a rest day. I ate at two in the afternoon and the class was at 7. I should have eaten between 4 or 5. Anyway I know I was dehydrated because I sweat out buckets of sweat during the class and all the way home in the car. Then I was frozen from being in those sweaty clothes afterwards. Today I am tired and a little nauseous but will do my lunch cardio and will go home and do a full primary series of Astanga yoga and my new backbend routine. At least I can pass out in bed afterwards. I never learn.

And I still have in my mind at age 50 that I can do what Esak is doing. I never learn.

Monday

I finally lost a pound. Whoopee! It was hard work. Actually, I think I ate a little more lately. The whole detoxing thing I was doing resulted in nothing but driving me a little nuts for a while. Now I am pretty much trying to stay at about 1500 calories a day for the next seven weeks until I attend my friend’s son’s wedding. I ordered a Vera Wang dress. Hope it fits. It is low in the back and I think I am firm enough there, but if not, I can send it back but it is gorgeous and I can use it for my marriage next year. We are not having a wedding of any sort. We are going to Hawaii. So I have a long term goal of getting into actual bikini shape for that.I am doing the Josh Hills last seven pound workouts. Ironically that is my goal for the final six weeks of this program. I am also ramping up the cardio this week. I just haven’t been able to do as much as I want and I know that will make a huge difference. That with clean eating ought to allow me to get into the shape I want to be in by July 7. I did about a million squats and lunges yesterday and am hurting in a good way today.
The most important thing though is the food. I really walk a fine line between eating well and over or under eating. Today I am logging in very few calories for the amount of exercise I am doing, but I eat more over the weekend, but this weekend I did not binge. I fluctuate on my calories. No way can I anally do 1500 a day no more or less. Some days it may even go over 2000. After I attain my July goal it will be strict maintenance. No more dieting. I have been dieting for too long. If it weren't for the binges, I would probably weigh about a hundred pounds.
People still aggravate me. Two big women I work with started weight watchers and the same week decided to plan an ice cream social at work. I don't even participate in those at work and haven't in a long time, but in the first few weeks of weight watchers, you are pretty vulnerable. It is just a catalyst for disaster and they won't last at weight watchers. I went to an actual meeting this Saturday and there were about ten people there. No lie. Even a month ago there was more but back in January there was a hundred or more per meeting. The failure rate is just so huge for weight loss. Most of them probably quit and are attending ice cream socials at work. I don't even stay for the meetings. There are some women there that have been there almost as long as I have that are still overweight. These people aren't trying. It was good for me in active loss because I liked getting stickers and awards for acheiving my goals. My goals are differenet now and I can't handle the distraction of people whining about not liking exercise or drinking water or eating vegetables which is pretty much every weekend. It worked for me for a while.

Doing Good

I am meticulously logging calories and staying at 1500 right now, maybe closer to 1600. I am planning a couple of 1800 calorie days a week. My workouts are under control and I am fueled enough with protein and the right carb ratios that weight loss should be imminent. I am in the driver’s seat again. I have been studying all the lit I have, volumes, on fat loss and feel the diet I was trying to stay on was way too restrictive, thus bringing about the binges. I had to kind of go back to my old philosophy of not restricting most foods. This is working out better and I feel more satisfied and feel healthier. I am not low carbing it and am not starving all of the time. The right mental attitude is back that I will lose and I will be in the best shape of my life in eight weeks for the wedding. I am back to the Josh workouts and feel better all ready. I have tapered my yoga to about 3-4 a week. I can’t do all the workout and do 5-6 yoga classes a week. I know a lot you hardcore people out there think yoga is for pussys, but not Bikrams. If you saw me in Bikram yoga, you would be impressed with the strength and intensity I bring to the yoga. No kidding.

I THINK I AM OKAY NOW

Finally talked myself off the fence I think. It took a lot of introspection and thought and being honest with myself. I knew eating was the problem so I spent some time reflecting, reading, looking back at what worked and it all comes down to food. I am going to taper off on the double workout days and go back to the fitness and weights and cardio because I was feeling so fit and now don't feel as fit as I did. Also I have decided to weigh in daily even if it drives me nuts, which it does, but otherwise I will lose my accountability.

I also have to rid myself of the binge eating. I have been binging on the weekends which is hard to undo. I binge on Saturdays and then diet for six days to take it off. It is the 'free day' mentality. Plus the fact if I start on one 'treat' food on Saturday invariably I move on to another since I have 'blown' it and I am going to clean it up the next day anyways. This mentality is just not working for me. I need to eat clean with occasional cheat meals. Maybe one or two a week within my calorie range.

Geez it is so hard to be so honest with yourself. Lying and being in denial is so much more fun.

I visited my 90 year old mother this weekend. She is having some memory problems and health issues and I think this is the first time I visited her without fighting. She gave me a compliment and warned me she doesn't give those out very often. (So nice to be SO supportive mom and I am SO glad you felt the need to do this.) She called me capable. That isn't bad for her. I prefer skinny and don't look my age. Anyway it was nice of her to bestow her approval I don't need any more after 50 years but I think she is right. The reason I am capable now is because I got my life in order with food and nutrition and just about everything else, including that wonderful fiance of mine.

I can't afford to blow all of that.

THANKS GUYS!

Great feedback from my hoards of readers.

One good thing I have done since I reached my goal last summer was to basically maintain and from a 50-60 pound loss, the odds were against me. Think about it. The odds are well against someone reaching goal, but the odds against keeping it in the first year are way way way lower. I have yo yoed my whole life. I have achieved goal many times or come close or not even close and every time, I have gained back the weight plus.

Since this time was DIFFERENT, I had to examine why. One reason was scale denial. I have literally gone ten years in my life without weighing myself. No lie. And I have no clue what my highest weight was at the top. Maybe 280? I have seen pictures of me at my highest weight and that is a definite possibility. Do you want to hear something REALLY hilarious. When I was at that weight I insisted to other people that I was not really that heavy. I worked out after all and carried a lot of muscle, which I still do. That was a pretty bad state of denial when you have to start convincing the world to get in there with you and believe your bs. So in order to stay at goal, I have to use the scale as a measure. So any gain, totally freaks me out. I can think of every excuse to not weigh in and every week I do. I try to talk myself out of it and I panic over it. And I make myself do it. Most of the time.

Yeah the weight training and HIIT cardio is essential, because I to have logged in hours on the elliptical and hours of yoga while I lost the weight. But I do not have the body I want. I have gone through over half the afterburn program and the weight gain freaks me out. I don’t want to get in the denial that I am really doing well. I really have to have that scale down before I get back to it. So think of this as a hiatus. I am freaked out and I have to have some control. I have to figure this food thing out and I have to burn out a little fat over the next two weeks and then I will figure out what to do.

But you are all right. Absolutely. I do need to write to Skwigg and I know EXACTLY what she will say. But I need to get this food under control or nothing will work. I will get fit/fat again.

The only other thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I NEVER WANT TO BE FAT AGAIN. Not ever ever ever. The few pounds I have extra now is really blowing my self-esteem and causing a lot of self doubt about everything in my life. It is absolutely debilitating.
Thanks for the support.