AS THE WORLD SHIFTS

In the past few weeks it is like my entire world has shifted.
I used to be one of the heavy people everywhere, but now I am among the fit and trim. I did have a lot of company before. There are plenty of heavy people out there. I live in Wisconsin so even more so here than in some places.
I first noticed this at weight watcher meetings. All of a sudden, I found myself thinking, ‘There sure are a lot of FAT people here.’ Now I realize it isn’t just weight watchers. A lot of women are fatter than I am now. It is GOOD that fat women go to weight watchers!
Now, I am by no means thin, but I do look damn good and am fitting in my smallest clothes. I had a range of clothes in my closet from a few 8s up to 14. At one time I was a 22/24. A few weeks ago I got rid of anything over a size 10. All of it and it felt good. I was in denial at a size 22/24 and thought I was fit and not fat at that time. Hard to imagine….. Anyway I got rid of the clothes so that I do not have permission to gain or to find myself putting on a pair of fat jeans to be comfortable and then to grow into them.
Last night in yoga I realized that in these long months of active weight loss part of my yoga struggle (everyone struggles in Bikram yoga) was my own body and that struggle no longer exists, but the memory of it is there. I certainly hope not.
It is as if my own body is asking me ‘Are you sure that stomach fat isn’t there or coming back?’ The memory of twisting and bending with all of that fat there will be there a long time after the fat is gone.
So the shift was subtle at first but now is glaring. I was in a meeting yesterday where I was the most attractive woman there. I don’t mean just my body either. I am talking clothes, hair, shoes, makeup, and all else. I see a lot of women who aren’t even fat, but just dress so poorly around here. Not me anymore. I put my best clothes on now even though I do worry at night that they won’t fit in the morning because that weight will come back on overnight! Funny what the mind tells us. It is hard to ignore your own brain when you have to spend a lot of time ignoring the brain crap from others. I just shut that out now. It was aggravating me but now I don’t care. They have their problems and I have mine.
It is two days until weigh in. I am hoping for a two pound loss this week. I have eaten super clean. No sugar at all. I feel plateau-y though, but think I look thinner.
Next week the splint comes off and I can start working on weight again. I have nine weeks until my family vacation and I could go right now and have the best body so my goal is to be rid of ten more pounds of ugly fat and be a little buffer. I have the new program all ready.

Scale Aberration

Is what I call a gain these days since I know I did not gain .6 lbs last week. I worked my tail off and fought the mind chatter all week. After my weigh in I went to the grocery store and bought the cleanest of clean foods and stocked up on chicken, fish, veggies, fruit, and healthy grains so that this week I will have a loss.
Hate to see a gain and the scale totally freaks me out. I have a very unhealthy relationship to the scale. Always have. I batted around a daily weigh in this week but our scale at home actually weighs me in heavier so that may freak me out at this point.
I got called out on Ediets for posting something mean about my coworker and the woman was right, but I have a lot of anger along with empathy for heavy people these days. It is more about me than it is about them because I see them exhibiting behaviors that I have had in the past and that scares the hell out of me. This morning I mindlessly walked in the copy room and started cutting a bagel that the director brought in. That is bad behavior for me. Someone walked in and I put it down. It had raisins in it and I hate that but it was like I was a zombie. There was no trigger emotion going on. I just did it. That scares me. But I did stop myself but I know once I get in those behaviors it is not time at all and I will gain. Or quit weighing in.

TIME TO LEAVE WORK

The retards are chatting away. The student worker is asking my coworker how to cook fish. What a retard. Talk about the blind leading the blind there. I am staying out of this conversation. Time to leave for the day.
Don't really feel like I have a good weigh in coming this week and not sure why. Feel like I may be hitting a plateau. Have to do my cardio session today and will eat light tonight. The check out girl at Walgreens told me I look skinny. That is a good way to start the weekend.
We are going out to eat at Quaker Steak and Lube tomorrow. Lovely. Not one thing on the menu not covered in cheese, bacon, sour cream, or ranch dressing. The whole menu sounds gross but that is where the friends wanted to go. Yucko

WHY BEING HUNGRY IS GOOD

Two days away from weigh-in.

Because I am wearing a size 8 skirt and NO ONE up here will tell me how good I look. I look fabulous and sexier than anyone on this floor right now.
Because I have to weigh in in two days and am on a weight loss roll.
Because the hour cardio I am doing later is hard work and I want to make it count.
Because I have healthy food planned all day and it should satisfy me.
Because I don't have to struggle to put on any of my clothes right now.
Because I am buying some Lucky jeans on Saturday.
Because I have to weigh in in two more days.
Because I can cross my legs effortlessly.
Because I can do this.

6 Lbs Away

I broke my hand just walking down the street and falling. It is better but keying is hard. I am actually turning into a lefthander. Today I go back to the doc to see if surgery is necessary but I am hoping not.
I am 6 pounds from goal and am amazed. By setting small goals over a long period of time, I have gotten to this point.
On September 1st last year I got out of denial and stepped on the scale at 221.5 pounds. My first goal was to get below 220. Luckily that happened the first week. Actually the first day. That was a Monday. By Tuesday, I was 219. My next goal was to get in the 200s. That happened relatively quickly. I joined weight watchers on October 1st and weighed in at 212.4. By the next week I was down to 207. The next goal was the one hundreds. Getting below 200 is huge for anyone because well you don’t feel so HUGE. This is a big psychological advantage. I have done it four times. True story.
My next goal was 191 since that was my 10% for weight watchers. Then below 190. It took me a couple of months to get out of the 190s. The next goal was 180s. Again, a couple of months for this but huge accomplishment. I have dieted many times to get in the 170s. I am a big person so this is a good weight zone for me.
The 170s are going pretty quickly. So far. Probably because of the 4 sessions of 45-60 minute elliptical I have added. 177 was my former Ediets low weight. I am now 175 and this is about the weight I was when I graduated from high school. I had much less muscle then so was probably flabbier. I am looking pretty buff right now. I do have excess skin and am worried about that.
So my next goal is 169 which is my high end of my weight range. I will go on maintenance at that point but will be doing a stricter BFL type of eating plan at that point and hopefully can start doing weights again as my hand should be healed.
Typing is still soooo hard.