Yesterday I had a minor food binge in the morning. I hadn't had one in a couple of months. I stopped myself, got back on plan, but felt sick and still feel sick today. Thinking back on it I didn't eat that much. I had like three cokes, a candy bar, and some trail mix. Believe me, my normal food binges are more like five cokes, two candy bars, a bag of chips, and a box of crackers. The reason I had it is because:
1. I have been avoiding the scale. I decided to not go on before the wedding next week because if I don't like it I will freak out but I will do it the week after.
2. Major stress over finances and annoying people at work.
Also I am diet coke detoxing today. Not feeling good and most of the aftermath of the binge is emotions and trying to feel them, rather than eat them. I am dealing with the problems. One of my morning triggers is stopping at the convenience store for diet coke. Today I did not stop. Now I just have to keep doing that. My last three yoga classes have been crap too, probably for emotional reasons. The night before I had to go back in for a late night class because of the annoying people who work by me, and about halfway through I felt this major release of stress and it was gone. I also was sweating like crazy and could smell the diet coke coming out of my body, thus the reason for quitting. Again. It smelled metallic.
This has been a rough week. I feel beat up and tired. I am going to leave at lunch for yin yoga and then will go home and lick my wounds for the week.
On a good note, I am almost positive I am signing up next week for yoga therapy. In that I will be a yoga therapist. It is a 500 hour program. I mentioned it to the studio owner and she said she would LOVE to have a therapist on staff. It will work for me because I can get my referrals for my personal business right there.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
NO LONGER JUST ABOUT THE WEIGHT LOSS
Something scarey is happening to me. I KNEW this would happen but I tried to avert. In spite of my intention of hoping yoga would not take me down the road of giving up my career for bliss but the eventual poverty of a life committed to yogadom and a better me, it is overcoming me and taking me down and the seed is planted. And it will grow. Growing it is doing.
I can’t stray from my path and I have found my path. I became an accountant and CPA to have financial security while raising a child as a single mom. It did that for me, but now it is damaging my soul. My workplace and the people in it are toxic. I have gone through a lot here at work and the people here have tried to diminish me so that my work place is poisonous. The people here are vile and empty. Although I approach them with all the compassion and understanding I possibly can.
I just see this is the wrong place for me. It is a means to an end and now I am open to the journey changing and the inevitability that I will walk away from the safety and security that people THINK this gives them. It doesn’t really though. I am so subject here to the whims of those above me and how they choose to view all of this. As hard as I have tried to work hard and fit it, it just does not work for me. It is not working for me.
I often wonder how this will play in my relationship. Which is also wonderful and safe, but there seems to be a distance between us and although I have tried to bring it together and work at it, the differences we have may eventually make us go our separate ways. Although I really hope not. I just don’t know what John wants for himself. I ask. But he doesn’t say.
I like my journey though. I can only work on what I am doing. My daughter seems to want me to do it all for her, but I can’t do that either. She seems to want to go back to being dependent and the way it was when it was just us two. I loved that too, but she is 20. She needs to move on and have a life.
I don’t know why people think education is always the answer. It is worthwhile in itself, but I have a lot of degrees and I make decent money. If I was unskilled labor I would be wishing I had what I have now, but I experienced it. It isn’t what it is cracked up to be. I had an old friend tell ME this the other day about my daughter, who now works full time and does college part time. People seem to think this is BAD. She informed me that J finishing her degree is important. To me, who has three degrees and she doesn’t have one herself. Uh. WTF? Okay. Her severely dyslexic son is starting his first year in college this year and the chance of him not completing a degree in four or five years is extremely high. My daughter, who works in a bank was SHOCKED that someone who just graduated from her school with a business degree is starting out at the same bank making just a little more than her. I am not shocked, plus the kid is probably 50-60 thou in debt. College education has become a business. Like health care. I digress.
I am going to full on yoga teacher training this fall. I am following my own path and not judging others. Trying not to anyways.
I can’t stray from my path and I have found my path. I became an accountant and CPA to have financial security while raising a child as a single mom. It did that for me, but now it is damaging my soul. My workplace and the people in it are toxic. I have gone through a lot here at work and the people here have tried to diminish me so that my work place is poisonous. The people here are vile and empty. Although I approach them with all the compassion and understanding I possibly can.
I just see this is the wrong place for me. It is a means to an end and now I am open to the journey changing and the inevitability that I will walk away from the safety and security that people THINK this gives them. It doesn’t really though. I am so subject here to the whims of those above me and how they choose to view all of this. As hard as I have tried to work hard and fit it, it just does not work for me. It is not working for me.
I often wonder how this will play in my relationship. Which is also wonderful and safe, but there seems to be a distance between us and although I have tried to bring it together and work at it, the differences we have may eventually make us go our separate ways. Although I really hope not. I just don’t know what John wants for himself. I ask. But he doesn’t say.
I like my journey though. I can only work on what I am doing. My daughter seems to want me to do it all for her, but I can’t do that either. She seems to want to go back to being dependent and the way it was when it was just us two. I loved that too, but she is 20. She needs to move on and have a life.
I don’t know why people think education is always the answer. It is worthwhile in itself, but I have a lot of degrees and I make decent money. If I was unskilled labor I would be wishing I had what I have now, but I experienced it. It isn’t what it is cracked up to be. I had an old friend tell ME this the other day about my daughter, who now works full time and does college part time. People seem to think this is BAD. She informed me that J finishing her degree is important. To me, who has three degrees and she doesn’t have one herself. Uh. WTF? Okay. Her severely dyslexic son is starting his first year in college this year and the chance of him not completing a degree in four or five years is extremely high. My daughter, who works in a bank was SHOCKED that someone who just graduated from her school with a business degree is starting out at the same bank making just a little more than her. I am not shocked, plus the kid is probably 50-60 thou in debt. College education has become a business. Like health care. I digress.
I am going to full on yoga teacher training this fall. I am following my own path and not judging others. Trying not to anyways.
Monday, June 11, 2007
New Blog Stuff
Uh yeah that pic is misleading. That is NOT me. I actually do that pose better with an older slightly flabbier body. I will have to post a new picture soon.
I really shouldn’t gripe about my body that much. It isn’t that bad. I really just need a giant swift kick in the butt and the only person who can do that is me. Well today, while looking for a pic to post, I ran across some before pics from 2004 and 2005 with me in bikini in both. Can’t believe my fiancé took those pics and still wanted to marry me. The pics were about 50-60 or more pounds ago. Frightening. I actually thought or convinced myself I didn’t look that bad but I was flabby as hell. My stomach which makes me ill now looks like a bowl of jello. Just horrible. It is enough to whip my butt into shape. It is all about the food and I know what I need to do.
I remember when it all changed almost two years ago this coming August. The day I decided I could not be fat one more day and no matter how long it took, I was not going to go backwards, only down the scale. I made a decision that day and stuck with it. Through thick and thin. I have no concept of what I really look like. I picked up a size 8 skirt at Ann Taylor yesterday and decided to take it home and try it on and if it didn’t fit, I would go back and pick up a bigger size.
Only it fit. But I worry I will wake up one day and be a size 12. I know I have improved my physique but the other day in yoga this woman about my age who is an amazing yogini and has an amazing body wore shorts. She always wears pants. But she looked so amazing and had gorgeous legs. She should NEVER wear pants. Not with those legs. Anyway though I mentally compete with her in yoga. Yeah, I know a big no no. I also held her up as a image of what I would like to look like. But see this woman has probably never been overweight. I struggle with loose skin on parts of my body. It gets better but if I had never been so fat, my skin would be a lot smoother and there would not be this skin hanging from my abs. I will work at it because I don’t have 7000 to get my tummy tucked!
Anyway just looking around at women my age in general is pretty sad. Plus there are a lot of young people who are flabby. And children. Society is sad these days. There is so much bad food out there. But the fact of the matter is I can not eat and drink what I want and wear a size 8. I will bloat up to the size I was in those pics quickly. They were truly sickening. I really despised myself.
Being a fat person is hard. Getting through a day with that issue is a million times harder than exercising and weighing food and packing food and prepping food. I wouldn’t trade a day now for one of those days for any reason. It was horrible. I hated myself. I was not a happy fat person. Maybe there are happy fat people but I was not one of them.
I really shouldn’t gripe about my body that much. It isn’t that bad. I really just need a giant swift kick in the butt and the only person who can do that is me. Well today, while looking for a pic to post, I ran across some before pics from 2004 and 2005 with me in bikini in both. Can’t believe my fiancé took those pics and still wanted to marry me. The pics were about 50-60 or more pounds ago. Frightening. I actually thought or convinced myself I didn’t look that bad but I was flabby as hell. My stomach which makes me ill now looks like a bowl of jello. Just horrible. It is enough to whip my butt into shape. It is all about the food and I know what I need to do.
I remember when it all changed almost two years ago this coming August. The day I decided I could not be fat one more day and no matter how long it took, I was not going to go backwards, only down the scale. I made a decision that day and stuck with it. Through thick and thin. I have no concept of what I really look like. I picked up a size 8 skirt at Ann Taylor yesterday and decided to take it home and try it on and if it didn’t fit, I would go back and pick up a bigger size.
Only it fit. But I worry I will wake up one day and be a size 12. I know I have improved my physique but the other day in yoga this woman about my age who is an amazing yogini and has an amazing body wore shorts. She always wears pants. But she looked so amazing and had gorgeous legs. She should NEVER wear pants. Not with those legs. Anyway though I mentally compete with her in yoga. Yeah, I know a big no no. I also held her up as a image of what I would like to look like. But see this woman has probably never been overweight. I struggle with loose skin on parts of my body. It gets better but if I had never been so fat, my skin would be a lot smoother and there would not be this skin hanging from my abs. I will work at it because I don’t have 7000 to get my tummy tucked!
Anyway just looking around at women my age in general is pretty sad. Plus there are a lot of young people who are flabby. And children. Society is sad these days. There is so much bad food out there. But the fact of the matter is I can not eat and drink what I want and wear a size 8. I will bloat up to the size I was in those pics quickly. They were truly sickening. I really despised myself.
Being a fat person is hard. Getting through a day with that issue is a million times harder than exercising and weighing food and packing food and prepping food. I wouldn’t trade a day now for one of those days for any reason. It was horrible. I hated myself. I was not a happy fat person. Maybe there are happy fat people but I was not one of them.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Low Carb Diet
I started the fourth phase diet in afterburn three days ago. I did lose some fat noticeably. My jeans are definitely looser. I totally admire these women who can do this and I can see where it would get you ripped but I bonked bad after 20 minutes on the elliptical yesterday and almost passed out from three days of lettuce fish and chicken and egg whites. I rushed over to whole foods and ate a multigrain roll and a container of pineapple and raspberries and still barely made it through yoga last night. I am sticking to the main form of this diet but adding some more fats and fruit. Maybe the fat loss will be slower, but man, how can people do this. It was okay the first two days but ten days. If that is what it takes, I might have to settle with where I am at.
I went to two days of fabulous yoga teacher training last week. I had four sessions. The first was a meditation and closed eye flow class with Johnny Kest. Great way to start the conference. I have meditated every day since and Johnny said to email him when you spend an hour in total stillness with no physical movement. I am almost there.
The next session was anatomy with Paul Grilley. I have his dvd, but he is funny and smart in person and his wife was there and was cool, so it was a fun session. We used some great examples right in our class of how differences in skeletal structure from person to person affects what you can and can not do in yoga.
The third session was with Nicky Doane and her hubby Eddie Modestini. Might have spelled his name wrong. I think they were my faves. They live in Maui. How lucky can you get. She was an amazing yogini. She is on the third series of astanga yoga which is extremeley advanced. He helped me with some questions on my knee issues. He was the most knowledgeable person there with a lot of experience and a great understanding of anatomy. Their session was three hours of inversions. I came out with a sore back from the handstands and headstands but I was able to do everything, which was remarkable. Shows what good teaching can do.
The last session was a flow class and adjustments with Gail Mondry, a Kest protegee. She is very physical with her adjustments. Her flow was the best flow I have ever done. In the cold room, I worked up a big sweat. She was an amazing person. Wish I could go to more of her classes.
This week back to the work and continual daughter drama. Oh and the low carb thing. One month till the wedding. I bought the dress from Cache and got some shoes. I won't be at the weight I wanted but have worked out like a mad man. Results are slow at this stage. I would be happy with five pounds at this point. But the carbs are back. I had oatmeal with blueberries this morning with my egg whites and felt like I was in heaven.
I went to two days of fabulous yoga teacher training last week. I had four sessions. The first was a meditation and closed eye flow class with Johnny Kest. Great way to start the conference. I have meditated every day since and Johnny said to email him when you spend an hour in total stillness with no physical movement. I am almost there.
The next session was anatomy with Paul Grilley. I have his dvd, but he is funny and smart in person and his wife was there and was cool, so it was a fun session. We used some great examples right in our class of how differences in skeletal structure from person to person affects what you can and can not do in yoga.
The third session was with Nicky Doane and her hubby Eddie Modestini. Might have spelled his name wrong. I think they were my faves. They live in Maui. How lucky can you get. She was an amazing yogini. She is on the third series of astanga yoga which is extremeley advanced. He helped me with some questions on my knee issues. He was the most knowledgeable person there with a lot of experience and a great understanding of anatomy. Their session was three hours of inversions. I came out with a sore back from the handstands and headstands but I was able to do everything, which was remarkable. Shows what good teaching can do.
The last session was a flow class and adjustments with Gail Mondry, a Kest protegee. She is very physical with her adjustments. Her flow was the best flow I have ever done. In the cold room, I worked up a big sweat. She was an amazing person. Wish I could go to more of her classes.
This week back to the work and continual daughter drama. Oh and the low carb thing. One month till the wedding. I bought the dress from Cache and got some shoes. I won't be at the weight I wanted but have worked out like a mad man. Results are slow at this stage. I would be happy with five pounds at this point. But the carbs are back. I had oatmeal with blueberries this morning with my egg whites and felt like I was in heaven.
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