Its Not About the Fat

How we define ourselves.
Defines how we live.
It states what we emphasize on the road to whatever our lives amount to.
If you define yourself as a mom first, then that is always your priority. If you define yourself as a wife first, then you will always put your mate before yourself. If you define yourself as a career person (attorney, secretary, firemen, etc) then your work defines you.
I also believe it can make us out of balance. For example, the best doctor in the world may be the worst husband and father. The best student in law school may have no friends and be uncomfortable in a social situation. The best mom in the world may treat herself very poorly.
Maybe these people are successful at the roles they use to define themselves. But are they happy?
Maybe.
Maybe being the best doctor or mom fulfills you and this is what you believe your destiny in life is. You have the dream job and it is everything you expected.
Or, maybe not.
Then you are unbalanced.
I believe we live in a society where most of us are unbalanced due to the complexity of our society and the expectations we have of ourselves.
We have to do it all and be it all.
Being the best doctor in the world may make it impossible to be the best father. This may create guilt or unhappiness at missing out on something.
We can’t do it all.
As a woman in this society I have not only experienced this but see it every day. I am sure men believe it is true, but I think most women lead lives that are unbalanced because they are trying to be the best at their career, while being the best homemaker, mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister. Which really is impossible. Trying to do all of this will make you unhappy. It will make you feel out of balance. How can you look out for yourself with all of this going on.
For me, who raised a child by myself as a single mom, my imbalance showed itself in the form of fat. The fat represented that my life was out of balance. I didn’t have enough time to do it all. I knew I was shortchanging something or someone, usually myself, all the time.
But what was the choice once the choice was made? Get rid of the child? Refuse to work? No, of course not, the choice became not to choose myself.
Imbalance. A lot of it is reflected back to us in the form of our health. The bad health in our society is a result of imbalance. Lack of knowledge. Lack of time to obtain the correct knowledge. Being fed the wrong information.
Right now I am working like hell to get that balance back. I worked at weight loss, was successful. So I want more. I am happier because I put myself first finally but what it next?
I know my job is a problem. I know, for a fact, that staying in my current career will continue to make me unhappy. And unbalanced. Because I work in an atmosphere of sickness and hostility. The people I work with are sick.
There are problems with my home situation. Time will tell if I can stay in this situation. Or not.

Week 2 of P90X

Week 2. Uh. I actually didn’t plan a body for life free day but sort of had one on Saturday. We went to a race track to watch our friend race his car. I had planned on having a burger and fries all week and did that, but had about 6 bottles of beer too. Wow. Felt like crap yesterday but went right back to clean eating. Hope this doesn’t mess with my weigh in on this Saturday. I didn’t really have a hangover yesterday because the drinking was in the afternoon, but had a stomach ache in the morning during yoga. Stomach aches are no fun in Bikram yoga class where you just regret any indiscretion. The other problem is that I only had 56 ounces of water on Saturday and had done yoga in the morning. I hydrated a lot yesterday. That is way low for me. I need a hundred ounces plus and that is not even counting the 32 ounces I drink during yoga. In order to do five Bikram classes a week and my new P90X workouts, I need that water. I haven’t had enough today either so need to hit the water soon. Only one workout today and off from yoga.
It is so nice to go out and go to things now without getting ready and feeling like I look fat. I hate that. That has been my whole life. I wouldn’t trade that feeling for any in the world, except maybe a fiancé who did not have kids.
The kids are on my nerves big time. Mostly the oldest because although he is back in school, he is still unemployed and spent the weekend glued to the tv. I really am biting my tongue, but it pisses me off because df is so quick to jump on my daughter for every thing she does wrong, and if I say anything about his kids he gets defensive and it is an automatic fight. He spent the whole summer making comments on how I cook all the time for my daughter and he does the same thing for the big 20 year old baby who can’t put a glass in the dishwasher.
I am just not kid friendly with anyone’s kids these days. My daughter does stress me out and I have felt much better since she went back to college and is independent and not needy and in my face every day.
Anyway I need to curtail the free days and not get out of hand with it or will get no results from this program.
I am getting a lot of "you look too thin" and "don't get anorexic" comments. Which is ridiculous.

Day 3 Blah Blah

Well I am on day 3 of P90X. I hate to do too much journaling because when you are on this type of challenge your posts usually state things like on plan food, hard workout, body hurts, or fell off the wagon. The hardest part for me is the crystal clean food plan. I went through day one with no diet coke, then fell off that wagon yesterday and now trying to get back on that today. Otherwise my diet has been perfect.
I am drinking tons of water and got up the past two mornings for grueling five am workouts. At any rate I am doing better than last time where I got through the whole 90 days of the workouts but never got through two hours without resorting to coke and cookies. This phase is low carb and so far am doing well with that. Today I am adding in a Bikram yoga session after my weight and ab workout this morning. According to my weight watcher tracker that is 9 activity points, which is a lot. So I brought some emergency whole wheat pita and a laughing cow wedge JIK I am bonking by four this afternoon.
On a lighter note, I am excited about tonights finale of Rockstar Supernova. My favorite is Lukas from the start and Dilana. I think the final choice will be between Dilana and Toby. Toby is appealing as a chick magnet and showman, but doesn’t have the range of Dilana and Lukas. I would hope someone signs both of them. I find both riveting and way past last year’s talent, but think they will go for the more mainstream choice in Toby and play it safe, like INXS did last year.
See I do have a life and interests past exercise and diet.

Day One P90X

P90X is the ultimate in home fitness. I bought the system from Beachbody.com. It is similar to a body for life plan. You go on the nutrition plan for 90 days, measure before and after results, and hopefully you are in better shape.Yesterday I took the fitness test and had my before pics taken in my bikini. Yucko. I thought I looked better than that.
Today I started the nutrition component and am doing my first workout at home after work. The first phase of the nutrition plan is for 28 days and is basically 28 days. The intention is to burn fat. I am also doing the lean version of the fitness plan, which is more cardio than weights since I am hoping to lose weight.I am kind of stoked. The last time I did this, I was much fatter and did not follow the diet at all. I was disappointed in my results. Well, duh. Now I know better.
The exercise plan comes with 12 different dvds that you rotate. The concept for this rotation is muscle confusion. You follow a rotation and it changes every few weeks. I am hoping for great results I can brag about and will post the pics up. Think I will post some 30 day ones. Am sure there won't be any huge difference but the rest of you can tell me there is anyways to make me feel better.
Have a good lunch packed and am hungry.

Commenting on Comments

"I got to the point that I expected the scales to show that same big number all the time. Now after losing pounds over the summer I still expect that and often can not believe what I see on the scales."

Anonymous posted this after my last post. Right now I am struggling with this same thing, because as a yo yo dieter I am extra vigilant now about red flags that could mean potential weight gain and I think this is a big one. Why?
Because it shows mentally we have not caught up with ourselves. No matter what the number on the scale is saying, or the jean size, or the compliments from others, or what we are seeing in the mirror, the mind has not caught up with the body so we are still discontent with ourselves. This is the same discontent we feel when we are grossly overweight. It is the reason we started losing but it is also the reason we might tend to gain back. The reason for this is that we start letting our brain take over to the degree where we might start getting back to old habits because let's face it. Is it ever good enough? What is the point of endless dieting if we can't be whatever goal we have in mind, even if it isn't realistic?
And I am beginning to realize I will always feel this way. I have had two people call me skinny this week and I recoiled at that word applied to me. Because I have NEVER been referred to as skinny. I have spent a whole life training myself to accept I can not be THAT WORD. I have spent 50 years staring down women with thin legs, firm abs, and nice arms thinking that is all I can do, is be jealous of that. On the outside looking in.
And that is dangerous for me right now because that kind of hopeless might as well give up thinking as put me on the gaining end of yo yoing my whole life. What can I do different?
Start relishing the number on the scale. I ordered a bunch of new clothes in the mail in sizes I never believed I would wear this week and every one of them fit. My new expensive designer jeans I bought a month ago are now getting loose. I put them on this morning after washing and drying them. In a couple of months, they will be too big.
I need to accept this and relish it.
On Monday I am starting a new journey. The P90X program and I will be documenting a lot of it here. So stay tuned to the next phase.