7 Pounds From Goal

I broke my hand so this will be short.
I have had it with it is all about me people. I ran into a weight loss friend at ww a few weeks ago and it was all about her. And she has GAINED weight. I went to a party last weekend with a friend who never acknowledges my weight loss. Had to hear about her vacation and she would not listen about mine.
Tired of this.

RADICALS

I have a new television show I love to watch. It is called Big Love and it is on HBO. The story is about a Mormon family headed by Bill Paxton that practices polygamy. Polygamy was outlawed in the Mormon church over a century ago but there are still sects of practitioners of the path. Bill’s character has three wives, Jean Tripplethorn, Chloe Sevigny, and another actress. They live in the real world and each wife has her own home. The homes are adjoining and they act as a complete family. Obviously the concept of this show is too radical for bland network programming and HBO is able to show a naked Paxton frolicking with his wives in bed etc. I don’t feel this is the most radical part of the show nor is the polygamy. The most radical concept this show delivers is the the practice of a faith by people in their every day life. This is a first on tv. When tv has approached the subject of religion and spiritual practices, it has merely been to show certain religious holiday practices or else they have had cutesy emotional story lines about ghosts or spirits or angels speaking to people. Never in the history of tv has a show depicted the every day struggles of people practicing their faith or spiritual belief systems. This show does that.
I hate to make the easy comparison of this with our diet struggles, but I think it is much the same way because we are radicals who practice healthy eating and exercising. We practice good health in our daily lives. We are elite, but we are also isolate and alone sometimes.
Does that sound too dark? I don’t think there is one person I have ever seen post on any thread on dieting that were not experiencing resistance, negativity, sarcasm, and pain from those around them, family, friends, and coworkers at the point where they were giving 200%. Just this morning I was on the elevator and I have a nice outfit on and one of the trolls I work with, glared at me. And I was not imagining it. I have experienced a lot just getting on the god dammed elevator first thing in the morning before I even get to my office. You know what this sort of behavior has made me do? It has made me dress nicer every day. I wake up and think what outfit I can wear to day to incite jealousy? I must look really good to be so reviled. I am not even allowed in the lottery ticket pool any more.
Yes, this is isolating. It is radical living like this, but like people of faith you have to ask yourself what are you giving up and what are you gaining. I am going home for a family reunion this August and I anticipate right now that I will be the subject of discussion there. My mom is already offended and scared of my weight loss and I have lost almost 20 pounds since the last time she saw me. I am not anticipating having a good time because I am radical. I am living a lifestyle and practicing a way of life every day that most people want to practice, but have convinced themselves they can’t. I have to uphold this lifestyle and explain it to my family. They will give me excuses about the way they eat. They will give me reasons not to exercise. They can’t drink that much water because it makes them gag. Am I giving up too much? Finally it occurred to me what the alternative is. The alternative is to live like them. Now I am one of the Others like on the tv show Lost. On the second season finale Hurley finally asks one of them who they are. The man answered that they are the good guys.
I am a good guy. I am. I am really not trying to do this to make anyone else unhappy. The alternative is to be like one of them. I am not happy fat. I don’t really believe people who say they are happy fat people. They are in denial. I believe. I didn’t like being in denial, pretending I was thin when I was fat. It was a lie. I lived the lie every day. I would rather be radical than a liar.

She Did It Again

It is getting almost laughable. Today an old student worker came in and she talked to him downstairs and came up and said he noticed she had been working out. Wonder what prompt she gave him for that compliment. He is a polite young Chinese man and just doesn't make those kinds of comments. LOL It is laughable. Now it doesn't bother me. I lost 44 pounds! Yeah.
I do feel sorry for her though because I lived in that denial a long time. I never lost weight. But when you try to convince other people you are, when you aren't, then you are in big trouble. I can create my own denial. Creating denial for others is hard work.
I ate too much this past weekend I feel so am making up for it by eating clean clean clean this week. Chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, cottage cheese, fruit, oatmeal, egg whites. Lots of cardio. I want to be 7 pounds from goal this Saturday.

8 MORE POUNDS

I reached two important goals this past weekend. One was getting to my low weight of 177 that I had reached two years ago before I gained back 44 pounds. Also I am under 10 pounds until goal weight. I am now at 8.
For the past two weeks I have looked at the Bikram mirror and liked what I see. I would no longer look at myself in the mirror and say that is a fat woman. I try not to compare myself to others in class. There are a lot of younger women with amazing bodies. I don’t have an amazing body. Yet. But that is my ultimate goal. I am starting to visualize what my body will be like when I get what I want out of this. I want to be at my best. I want to be amazing. I want male attention. I want female jealousy. I want it all.Because I like putting on clothes that fit well and that I don’t have to struggle with. I like not having to button and zip up pants over a flabby belly.
At his weight, every pound I lose is visible. Lately it has come off my stomach. Stomach last. My worst feature and I may need a tummy tuck at some point. So I am working uberhard to make my stomach the best it can be. I will fight that tummy tuck I will. I love the clothes I wear now. I like looking at myself. I like working out. Every workout counts at this point.
8 more pounds.

10 Pounds From Goal

Sounds pretty good and I got in the 170s too. All that cardio is paying off. I am enjoying this feeling. I am no longer fat. I do not look in the Bikram mirror and think fat person any more. That is gone.

Stepping Up

Now that my weight loss has slowed to a turtle's speed, I have to step things up and what does that mean?
Well, initially starting weight watchers one promise I made to myself was that the word "no" is not to be put in the front of any word. That worked well for my first 41 pounds. I did not overdo anything and ate my daily requirement of fruits and veggies and dairy and protein. I did use points for occasional light desserts and treats I like. I am a Coke addict and I usually have one or two a week and they are planned for. I used to drink like four or five a day. This week I "quit" the diet coke. Well, at least I am giving myself one a day. This can be a trigger for me so I have to be careful. I drank way too many of them and they made me feel like crap with all the caffeine and preservatives. I did have one this morning but that is it for the day. Yesterday I had none. If I lose control for a day, I will have to quit it totally which is my goal. I mean I really hate the shit. Really. I do. Why do I drink it like water? I haven't a clue.
See it has taken months to get here and I have had to work and tweak things as I go. I also added four sessions of the elliptical a week a few weeks ago. I thought this would jump start some loss but it really hasn't although I do feel there is a loss of fat in my midsection the past few days from the cardio, which I work HARD.
So what is happening is that I am using the word no to myself more frequently. I have had one coke this week. If I really want one, I will have it. Almost talked myself into it last night but didn't do it and there is a two liter bottle at home. I can't open that though because my fiance's youngest, who is a sugar addict and is with us this week, will suck it all down if I open it and have some so it kept me from doing that last night. Fiance is trying to get him off the sugar since he has ADD now among other problems. I think he is malnourished myself but no one asks what I think. Probably because they know it already.
So although I am not the food nazi that my Ediets friends are I do realize that to get to my goal, I have to tighten it up and eat less of that stuff, which is pretty minimal and more healthy stuff. Especially since I am doubling up some days with the cardio on the elliptical with a Bikram yoga class. Nutrition is vital those days so that I don't haul off and die in the middle of yoga.
I am not in a hurry to lose but am trying to break into the 170s this month. I have to go to fiance's youngest son's confirmation a week from Sunday and bought an outfit and the skirt is snug, so would like that a little loser plus we have to go to the exes for a party afterwards. Boy am I looking forward to that. Hope they serve alcohol.
The next week we are going to a party for the holiday weekend and my two friends that will be there are superskinny. I am still like two of them. No lie. One wears little boy clothes because even petites are too big. She has an eating disorder though. Anyway I have a new outfit for that that fits fine. It is fiance's work party so want to look fab so at least someone there fucking notices, even though my skinny friends don't say a thing about them but I probably still look like a cow to them. Who cares. They are fun and there will be alcohol!

How Did She Get So FAT!

I ran into an old coworker yesterday at Home Depot and was shocked to see she had gained about 60 pounds. She pretended she didn't see me. I remember she was on a diet all the time and was very tiny. Now she is fat and flabby and out of shape.
About a year ago that would have been me and I know I always hated seeing someone from my thinner days and would hide too. Been there, done that. Makes me wonder what caused her to lose her way. Relationship problems with the husband? Problems with children? Work?
Last night I sort of understood this whole food addiction thing better after watching the Sopranos. One of the characters, Christopher, used to be a raging drug addict/alcoholic. He went to rehab and gave it all back. Tony talked him into having a glass of wine and soon he was shooting up.
I think it is the same way with food. It starts out small. Maybe you quit logging your food and don't count those extra bites. Then you start eating out more. You don't weigh your portions as much. Your clothes are getting smaller. But you get in denial. Maybe like me, you avoid the scale. You get in full-blown denial and you end up gaining it back. And more usually.
I wish there was more research into why people gain back + more. There must be a reason? Maybe due to the havoc we are putting our metabolisms in due to constant dieting. I know a friend and I were talking about this a while back. Her friend, who is probably in the high end or a little more of her weight range, just eats a ton of food and never gains, while we count every miniscule bite, calorie, and point we eat. Plus we exercise like fiends and this woman does nothing. I told my friend that it is because we are dieting all the time and our bodies must really be fighting us to stay fat. It is frustrating. I do believe most thin people are careful though and don't eat everything they see. If you have never been overweight then you obviously have learned what I have never learned, how to eat moderately.
I don't think I ever will either. This is a lifelong struggle.

Oh, I only lost .2, even after adding all that cardio. Geez.

I AM NOT NICE TODAY

Today I am no longer resisting being myself and saying what needs to be said. I have been Mr. Nice Guy around here for too long. I sat around here patiently enough for the past months listening to my coworker yack about how much weight she is losing since she has started going to a health club three days a week. I supported her. I did not brag about my weight loss while she has stayed the same size because I didn't want her to feel bad about herself.
I mean, she must know that she is still the same size.
But, after yesterday, all bets are off.
I am, after all, basically a not very nice person with few friends. Because I do NOT put up with bs. She pushed the bs button too far over the room temperature issue.
Since I have lost 41 pounds since September 1st, I am colder. I have always been colder than her, because she has always been fatter than me. We work in the coldest room on our floor. People come in here all the time and say how cold it is. We haven't had too much really warm weather here yet, but she keeps yanking down the thermostat to 66 degrees, because she works up a sweat going to the bathroom. So I kept turning it up. Yesterday after she had turned it back down and it was your basic icebox in this room I approached her maturely and said we need to find a moderate temperature because it is too cold and that when she has the air conditioner turned down to 66 degrees before she leaves and I then I come in in the morning, it is about 60 degrees in here and I have to turn it up. We sort of came up with an agreement to not turn it below 70 or above 73. But then she started making the excuses of why she is warm and I am cold.
According to her she is closer to the heater. Sorry, but not buying that. There is not warm air gushing out of there like there is the AC vent. It feels warm to touch, but there is no real heat coming out. Also, according to her, I am cold because I do Bikram yoga in a hot studio.
That was too much denial for me. So I am pointing out a lot of things to her, not real blatantly, but I am not holding back and trying to be nice.
She is hot all the time because she is fat and is NOT losing any weight by going to the gym three times a week. Especially since, on a daily basis, she eats ice cream, candy, sweet rolls etc. EVERY DAY.
I am cold because I lost 41 pounds of fat and insulation and I work out HARD 6 days a week, sometimes twice and never eat that crap.
Turning down the thermostat to 66 degrees is inappropriate since we are barely making it to 60 degrees outside.
Lose some weight coworker and quit talking about it is what I like to say, but instead I am rubbing it in her face today that I am buying new smaller clothes and maybe she will realize she isn't because she is fat. She is hot becauase she is FAT.
Although when I talked about buying smaller jeans today she did say her baggy knit winter pants are getting loose. Sure, have a nice trip down DENIAL river.
See I have to protect myself. I should not have to freeze because she is fat and can't do anything but stuff food in her face. And eat a lot of processed crap. She bragged to me about burning 350 calories on the elliptical (I doubt it) in 25 minutes. I go on there to 50 minutes!
I would rather be in my place however, thinner and losing and healthy and attractive, than staying the same and not able to admit it even to myself.

FAT WOMEN ARE INVISIBLE

I have learned this lesson before on my other journeys into lower weight land. The smaller you become, the more VISIBLE you are.
When you are heavy, you are virtually invisible. People don't normally just 'talk' to you and that is especially true of men when the women are heavy. They aren't very friendly. Now, I am experiencing more 'friendliness' and I don't mean in the form of come-ons. I mean, I look much better but am approaching 50, another invisibility factor, but men, like bus drivers or men at the bus stop or yoga class are just nicer to me. I think, for men, they are fearful of being nice or friendly to a heavier woman, because they fear that it may be mistaken for attraction and they may be somewhat right. I did, many times, read more into what it really meant when a man was at all nice to me and mistook it for interest and it never was. Never ever. Don't ever kid yourself about shy men. When men know what they want, they go after it.
But being invisible is hard. It is like you don't 'count'. Society is very mean to heavy people. There were some people talking about fat women and laughing at them before yoga class last week. I was appalled and if I were still heavy, I doubt that conversation would have even taken place. This is probably normal conversation though, that I missed out on for years!
I was invisible among family and friends. When I was younger and REALLY heavy no one ever asked me if I were dating someone. They knew I wasn't! My sisters used my fatdom and single momedness to exclude me from family activities. I knew why they did it, even if they didn't admit it because they also did it to my other really heavy sister. Did it hurt? Hell yeah. I felt so bad and angry that I was already isolated and then to even have your own family isolate you even further? I am over it now and one of the sisters who engaged in this is dead. Which is also sad. And hurtful.
I can only imagine what my friends thought about me. The token fat girl friend. They were nice, but I bet they were vicious behind my back. I am sure they were. One of them, even though I have changed, still treats me like FAT DUMPY JOAN FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
Do people ever know the pain and harm they do other people? I probably do this on some level. Last week I was sitting in the weight watcher meeting thinking man are there ever a lot of FAT women here! Hardy har har. I am one of the normal looking people there. I am a thin one there.
A lot of these women look very sad and unhappy and I know they are in a lot of pain. Because I have been there. And even though they are invisible to our society in a lot of ways and are ignored and talked about when they can't here, they also are a very visible presence of what thinner people don't want to be. Thinner people, me included, look at them and think I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. And they know people think that way.
When I went to Jamaica recently I thought that about a lot of women. There were a lot of heavy women in bikinis at the resort on the beach. There were more women I DIDN'T want to look like than I DID want to look like. There were a lot of thin out of shape women I don't want to look like either. The yoga teachers were goddesses. Real goddesses. They had curves and muscle and were healthy and glowing.
What point am I getting to? Mostly that we should all approach weight loss and health from just that perspective. What do we want our visibility to show? I have a goal weight but I also have a goal body image that I think about even more. When I look in the Bikram mirror, where you can not hide from yourself, I criticque my body and notice the changes. Like last night I noticed that my waist is really whittled down, but that my arms could use more toning. Time to get out the weights again! I don't know what I will look like when I get to goal, but I do know I will keep changing and improving on what I have at that point.
I don't want to be invisible like that ever again. I count. We all count. Heavy women count too. I can't do anything about the scorn and hatred that heavy women have to live with. But I do recognize it. And I can choose to not act in that way towards anyone, including myself.

My Head is Reeling

Well, I was right, as usual, last Friday about coworker. After listening to another woman and I talk about our weight watcher successes and finding out another HUGE woman we work with has lost 40 pounds since January from weight watchers, she started asking about it. I even let her look at my book. However, since the weekend, she has shown no interest again. Last week she talked about going to a meeting. I doubt it will ever happen, but this morning she said she was going to put off buying new clothes until she loses MORE weight. If I had a dime for every time this woman talked about losing MORE weight. Then she said until then, she will wear the same capris she wore last summer and the summer before that and.....we are talking six years of the same clothes she has worn over and over while waiting to lose more weight. This morning, I practically fainted when she said it. I like her and would never challenge her. I probably did have people challenge me on the bs when I was heavier when I was spewing the denial crap and I probably labeled them as mean, like my mom. My mom is mean though. Now she is trying to rattle me for losing weight. Sadly, I know my coworker will NEVER lose weight, let alone MORE weight. Today she is going out for some fattening lunch and then out for ice cream later. She did a 2.5 mile walk for something last weekend and told me about the fattening lunch she had afterwards. The fact is, this woman can not let any food pass by without saying YES. NO to food is not in her vocabulary.
Actually the ice cream is part of a state wide employee appreciation thing. We don't get raises, so they give out free ice cream once a year. I never go. They can cram the ice cream up their asses in the State of Wisconsin as far as I am concerned.
So I diligently move along and do things the right way, but sometimes it is just so HARD. It is so much work and to listen to people who think a two mile walk will allow them to cram anything in their pieholes and then tell me they are losing weight? And they never get on a scale? Hard to believe I know. I log food into three places somedays. Today I am doubling my workout. 50 HARD minutes on the elliptical followed by a 90 minute session at Bikram yoga.
I am a warrior I tell ya!

11 Pounds from Goal

I had a 1.2 loss this week which was excellent. I started adding cardio on the elliptical and have four 50 minute sessions planned a week. Wish I could make a 2 pound loss happen but oh well. Just keep doing what I am doing. I am getting close, but it is still so slow.
This is weird though. I am starting to fit in size 8s in pants and jeans. My 10s are baggy as hell. I saw the measurements of a woman on Ediets who is my height and is about 25 pounds thinner and her measurements were very similar to mine, which leads me to believe I am carrying a lot of muscle. I am going to get it measured at the gym and should make an appointment today to do that. Will be interesting.
Had a fight with fiance over the house being a mess. He doesn't see the problem and thinks everything is fine and that his kids do try. I didn't mean to pick on them again, but I get very discouraged coming home day after day to a mess in the house. Plus my daughter is coming home from college and I am trying to set up a system of chores and tv time for everyone in the house that is equal across the board but am sure there will be grumbling. I don't give a rat's ass about the grumbling but he is so worried his kids won't like him. I could care less about my kid not liking me. Lord. His kids are just lazy as hell and there mom is a pig so they don't understand the whole concept of living in cleanliness. My daughter does understand that. Part of the problem is that last summer she could never watch tv because his kids are glued to it 24/7 when they are home. I am sure they hate me for inflicting this shit on them but I don't see the point of just letting kids rule the house and do what they please. His oldest is almost 20. I told him someday he will move out and is he prepared for that at all? No. He can throw a frozen pizza in the oven and that is the extent of it. My daughter lived in a dorm all year so I know she did learn that you don't wake up in the morning and everything is there for you. She doesn't cook meals or anything like that but she does have to learn somewhat to fend for herself. My project with her this summer is to get her to start eating regular healthy meals. She starves all day and then binges with a huge amount of food. Told her she will have to learn this when she gets her own apartment and to fix yourself a sandwich or bowl of soup or she will be eating out all the time and wasting money on food or just eating chips. She is very lazy about that too, but at least I work at these issues unlike fiance who just lets his kids do as they wish and doesn't try to instill any habits in them that will aid them along in life.
I mean why do people have kids? They aren't frigging pets. Just bugs the hell out of me that his kids are so useless. I came home on Friday and the oldest was actually mowing the lawn. That is because he called his dad and wanted to go out to eat so fiance told him that he had to mow the lawn and couldn't do both so that was incentive for him to do it but that is the first time he has done it since I have been there. Anyway later I was at the convenience store and the neighbor lady was there and actually said to me she was glad to finally see one of the boys out there doing something besides their dad all the time. I told him too. I mean, yeah she was a bitch for saying that to me when I hardly know her but it is pretty bad when other people notice how useless your kids are. I see plenty of boys their age out doing stuff in the neighborhood.
Anyway, am really feeling sensitive about things since I am at this last 11 pounds. I was about this weight in high school and right before I had my baby 19 years ago. So this is low for me and I am feeling sensitive like I did during those periods. Feel like I am living through my high school insecurities all over again and it is weird and scarey. Feel like withdrawing right now from stuff and from people. Plus I have to face my family reunion at the end of the summer when I will be under my goal weight hopefully and they will not be positive or supportive and I will have to endure their jealous passive aggressive bs, especially from my dear mom.
Bee-atches. Sick of them all.