The appropriate coat to wear over your fat suit is the cloak of denial. I was reading some motivational stuff I have from some successful people. Old posts from Ediets mostly from some people who did it right and were successful. I was reading a particularly good one about denial. This sent me into a tailspin about the denial I lived in for years. Now unwrapping the cloak is sometimes painful. I think my gain last week was my body's resistance. To my own self doubt. I doubted I was in the 180s so I went back to 190, but I know I didn't do it through eating. The 190s were about fear. The 180s are about self doubt. I am trying to use visualization to tell myself it is okay to believe I can have a small waist.
That is part of the denial that is really strange. I used to tell myself there is no point dieting, because I will never be a small person, wear small clothes, or have a small waist. So there was no point really. The self-sabotage is my only choice as I get smaller because I have spent years denying it could happen or was possible. Now, I have to allow myself to do it.
The worst denial I lived in was scale denial. I would diet down to lesser weight and then quit weighing in because I was FEARFUL it wasn't real. So I would convince myself I was whatever the last weight was, refuse to get on the scale, and then end up gaining 30 plus pounds. There were periods when I stayed off the scale for year. Everyone says it is just a number, but seeing my reaction to the imaginary glom on last Saturday shows me it is more than that to me and I have to pay attention to it. I mean I literally ran out of the weight watchers meeting crying and upset, ran home, sat on the couch, had a hissy fit with df. Today I thought about getting on the scale but could not do it. Because it could have ruined my day again. I decided to stick with my plan for the week and then go to ww on Saturay and hopefully it will be better. I know last winter at this time, I weighted 15-20 pounds heavier and stuffed myself every day into two pairs of size 12 pants. I hated washing them. They were stretch denim too. I was not happy last year. This year my size 10s are getting loose, and I am still not happy. Remembering last winter is painful.
My other big denial problem is that when I am fat, I pretend I am not. I have seen pictures of myself when my daughter was small and family reunions and I was frigging HUGE. But I had myself convinced I was fit, because I exercised. I had myself convinced I looked good because I was fit and because I was fit and strong, I didn't really looked fat.
That was a lie I told myself though. I would even brag about this to people. How fit I was. Now, I think that is just sad, but it is also painful to think about. Those pics don't lie though and I seldom let anyone take pics of me. But they are there. I don't even want df to see them.
So taking the cloak of old denial off means going back, examining what I did, feeling the pain, and then letting it go. I know I probably still live in some denial about things, but I think I am honest about the weight thing. (I am just not honest about the I don't care that my daughter is not playing basketball thing though. LOL)
This week I am doing the 6 day express diet. It is low calorie, but I am not starving. If I am starving tonight, I will eat something.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Setback
I came in 1.4 gain at weight watchers. Impossible. I went back and scoured over my points and there was no way I went over the 4900 calories for the gain. So now I am re-evaluting. I am almost wondering if I am eating enough. This week I am scaling back and need to get under where I was. I am eating healthy though. Had tuna and salad for lunch and am having steak and broccoli for dinner. I have fiber one and milk for a snack this afternoon. Then yoga tonight
Of course the gain pissed me off and made me despondent and made me feel fat. In the past, I might have given up at this point but because I am relentless I am moving forward. I almost think I thought this was too easy. But it isn't. It is hard. We went to a movie on Saturday afternoon and I got pissy because there was nothing for me to eat at the theatre. I got pissier watching people, fat and thin, waltz in with buckets of popcorn and pretzels and cheese. By the end of the movie I didn't care though. I thought I had to have something, but I really didn't. I did go home and grilled out a delicious steak and ate a nice salad and a little wine and truely enjoyed it.
There is nothing easy about this though. It is hard as hell.
Of course the gain pissed me off and made me despondent and made me feel fat. In the past, I might have given up at this point but because I am relentless I am moving forward. I almost think I thought this was too easy. But it isn't. It is hard. We went to a movie on Saturday afternoon and I got pissy because there was nothing for me to eat at the theatre. I got pissier watching people, fat and thin, waltz in with buckets of popcorn and pretzels and cheese. By the end of the movie I didn't care though. I thought I had to have something, but I really didn't. I did go home and grilled out a delicious steak and ate a nice salad and a little wine and truely enjoyed it.
There is nothing easy about this though. It is hard as hell.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Taking Off the Fat Suit
Since September 1st of last year I have slowly been taking the fat suit off. It is because I made a very conscious decision to not want to wear it any more. Wearing a fat suit took a lot of decisions in itself. No one decides to wear a fat suit merely because they like to eat. I think the whole idea of the merry, fat person is a myth. Kind of like Santa. Who wears a fat suit.
I don't know how it is for men, but for women I think a lot of the decision to wear one has to do with sexuality. It might be a fear of it. Or a fear of unwanted attention. Although when you are heavy you feel like you desperately want the attention of men and you HATE thin women. Because they get it every day. How often does a fat woman get a man to open the door for her? I have noticed more attention in the past week just in the form of men who talk to me. Yesterday a man in the grocery line talked to me. Not in a come-on or hit-on me way, but just a friendly way. When I am heavy that never happens. A man spoke to me in the gym the other day. That never happened when I was heavier. I think normal sized men must hold some type of fear from a past heavy woman who was obsessed with them and just thought if he only just KNEW me and realized what a NICE PERSON I am, he would love me. I know I have been that woman, but now I understand it from the man's perspective. Of course, my fiance was always nice to me, even when I gained weight, but he treats me slightly different now, because in the male world, they all know that someone out there is better than them and you might leave them.
Losing the fat suit can destroy relationships and not just between a man and woman. My mom is scared I will get thin. She calls me on this every time I tell her I am losing weight. Last time, she practically screamed at me to not lose more weight. She questioned me why I want to lose more. I don't think this is the question she should be asking. She should be asking herself why it is so threatening to her.
I have thin women friends who refuse to acknowledge my weight loss. I can't talk to it about them. And these are very thin women. I have a fat coworker in my office that will not acknowledge it even though everyone else here notices it. In her mind, she still puts the fat suit back on me when I come in to work.
I also still have the fat suit on in my head some days. Some days I take off the part I haven't even lost yet. It is so mental. I tried on swim suits last week and saw the fat suit in the mirror. I put on jeans today that were looser and probably feel thinner than I look today.
I am at the point where sometimes I am fearful and almost feel like putting it back on because it is after all, much safer for me. It is a suit I have taken on and off for almost 50 years and I am at a crucial point now. I am getting the attention, am getting noticed for my efforts and some days I would just like to be invisible. The owner of my yoga studio emailed me some info and told me I looked great. Now for some reason, I am almost embarrassed to go back. They have seen me lose the fat suit over the months and it is almost as though I want to be unnoticed. I don't want the recognition in a way of ever having worn the fat suit.
There is also the stress factor. My daughter stressed me out last night in a major huge way. Usually that kind of stress just sits here in my huge body and just makes me feel awful. It makes me feel sorry for myself because not only does this person I dearly love just constantly dump her crap on me but I am FAT to boot. Now I don't feel that. I didn't feel that huge body full of stress. I was able to forget that and think about today and how I am going to get rid of more of my fat suit.
In a former post I wrote about a friend who had disappeared from emailing me about her weight loss. Today she sent this huge accountability email detailing how she was going to start over AGAIN. So I was right, she did fail, but she is going to get back on TODAY. Day 1. I will email her but am carefully thinking of how I can be supportive and yet helpful too. She really wants to do this but has one big weight albatross, literally. Her husband weighs about 350 pounds and is a walking heart attack about to happen. He gets on the wagon with her and then gets off and it derails her every time. She does realize this but of course wants to get him on board. Hard situation. It really is.
I don't know how it is for men, but for women I think a lot of the decision to wear one has to do with sexuality. It might be a fear of it. Or a fear of unwanted attention. Although when you are heavy you feel like you desperately want the attention of men and you HATE thin women. Because they get it every day. How often does a fat woman get a man to open the door for her? I have noticed more attention in the past week just in the form of men who talk to me. Yesterday a man in the grocery line talked to me. Not in a come-on or hit-on me way, but just a friendly way. When I am heavy that never happens. A man spoke to me in the gym the other day. That never happened when I was heavier. I think normal sized men must hold some type of fear from a past heavy woman who was obsessed with them and just thought if he only just KNEW me and realized what a NICE PERSON I am, he would love me. I know I have been that woman, but now I understand it from the man's perspective. Of course, my fiance was always nice to me, even when I gained weight, but he treats me slightly different now, because in the male world, they all know that someone out there is better than them and you might leave them.
Losing the fat suit can destroy relationships and not just between a man and woman. My mom is scared I will get thin. She calls me on this every time I tell her I am losing weight. Last time, she practically screamed at me to not lose more weight. She questioned me why I want to lose more. I don't think this is the question she should be asking. She should be asking herself why it is so threatening to her.
I have thin women friends who refuse to acknowledge my weight loss. I can't talk to it about them. And these are very thin women. I have a fat coworker in my office that will not acknowledge it even though everyone else here notices it. In her mind, she still puts the fat suit back on me when I come in to work.
I also still have the fat suit on in my head some days. Some days I take off the part I haven't even lost yet. It is so mental. I tried on swim suits last week and saw the fat suit in the mirror. I put on jeans today that were looser and probably feel thinner than I look today.
I am at the point where sometimes I am fearful and almost feel like putting it back on because it is after all, much safer for me. It is a suit I have taken on and off for almost 50 years and I am at a crucial point now. I am getting the attention, am getting noticed for my efforts and some days I would just like to be invisible. The owner of my yoga studio emailed me some info and told me I looked great. Now for some reason, I am almost embarrassed to go back. They have seen me lose the fat suit over the months and it is almost as though I want to be unnoticed. I don't want the recognition in a way of ever having worn the fat suit.
There is also the stress factor. My daughter stressed me out last night in a major huge way. Usually that kind of stress just sits here in my huge body and just makes me feel awful. It makes me feel sorry for myself because not only does this person I dearly love just constantly dump her crap on me but I am FAT to boot. Now I don't feel that. I didn't feel that huge body full of stress. I was able to forget that and think about today and how I am going to get rid of more of my fat suit.
In a former post I wrote about a friend who had disappeared from emailing me about her weight loss. Today she sent this huge accountability email detailing how she was going to start over AGAIN. So I was right, she did fail, but she is going to get back on TODAY. Day 1. I will email her but am carefully thinking of how I can be supportive and yet helpful too. She really wants to do this but has one big weight albatross, literally. Her husband weighs about 350 pounds and is a walking heart attack about to happen. He gets on the wagon with her and then gets off and it derails her every time. She does realize this but of course wants to get him on board. Hard situation. It really is.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
What Are Your Hobbies
There was a woman in the weigh in line lamenting to me and another woman at last week's meeting how she hates to cook. The other woman and I were sharing recipe ideas. It has to be hard if you hate to cook and this woman had children so the extent of her cooking is probably mac and cheese and frozen pizzas and other such fare. I know you can eat what you want on ww with the flex points, within the 8 healthy guildelines of course, but I am thinking she might be faced with prepared frozen dinners as her option most of the time. I like those in a pinch and usually have a couple for emergencies, but in the long run, this is not a solution. She later complained in the meeting to the group that she didn't like to cook and others joined in. The Weekly Whinefest at Weight Watchers.
I am lucky. I like to cook. Another friend of mine on weight watchers said she feels like she is doing nothing but cooking and running to the grocery store all the time. I know my weekends are partially consumed by what to make to have for leftovers for the following week and what to put in the crock on Sunday. I do feel the same way but I love grocery shopping and grocery stores. I love being surrounded by food. I am lucky in my town because we have a kind of grocery store war going on. They are all getting bigger and better. We do have a medium sized Whole Foods which they are tearing down and building a new mega Whole Foods which I am fantasizing as being the Walmart megastore version. In addition Trader Joes is moving is, which is probably the reason for the Whole Foods store expansion. Also our biggest and cheapest grocery store has totally renovated with a double layer parking lot and they have expanded their organic food lines and every time I go they seem to be adding more Whole Foods types of lines of food. They also attached the biggest liquor store in the Midwest and I do need my quota of healthy wine each week. This is a grocery shopper's paradise or will be soon. I will be the biggest grocery store whore around and will not affiliate with any one but will shop at all of them. Crowds be damned at the big grocery store. I go the off hours line early Sunday morning before Bikram yoga. For some reason middle aged single men shop there at that time. That is never why I went to "meet" a guy. Yeah right, but I also voyeur other people's shopping cart and know bachelor food when I see it. It is exactly the food my fiance had in his house before I moved in. Frozen pizzas, orange juice, sugary cereal, soda, chips, bolongna, white bread, ketchup.
Anyway the reason I titled this hobbies is because a friend of mine with three daughters in college who used to go to yoga came back last night. I ran into her at the mall last week and told her to come back and she said she missed it and it is expensive but she came back. She is a superhealthy person who taught aerobics for years and this is the only exercise that alleviates some of her back pain from overtraining for years. Nice to have a friend there again and we do share similar hobbies. Mine are typical empty nest symdrome hobbies, shopping, yoga, and now my meal planning gig but hey I find this all very fulfilling. If I had a housekeeper I would consider myself a whole woman.
I am lucky. I like to cook. Another friend of mine on weight watchers said she feels like she is doing nothing but cooking and running to the grocery store all the time. I know my weekends are partially consumed by what to make to have for leftovers for the following week and what to put in the crock on Sunday. I do feel the same way but I love grocery shopping and grocery stores. I love being surrounded by food. I am lucky in my town because we have a kind of grocery store war going on. They are all getting bigger and better. We do have a medium sized Whole Foods which they are tearing down and building a new mega Whole Foods which I am fantasizing as being the Walmart megastore version. In addition Trader Joes is moving is, which is probably the reason for the Whole Foods store expansion. Also our biggest and cheapest grocery store has totally renovated with a double layer parking lot and they have expanded their organic food lines and every time I go they seem to be adding more Whole Foods types of lines of food. They also attached the biggest liquor store in the Midwest and I do need my quota of healthy wine each week. This is a grocery shopper's paradise or will be soon. I will be the biggest grocery store whore around and will not affiliate with any one but will shop at all of them. Crowds be damned at the big grocery store. I go the off hours line early Sunday morning before Bikram yoga. For some reason middle aged single men shop there at that time. That is never why I went to "meet" a guy. Yeah right, but I also voyeur other people's shopping cart and know bachelor food when I see it. It is exactly the food my fiance had in his house before I moved in. Frozen pizzas, orange juice, sugary cereal, soda, chips, bolongna, white bread, ketchup.
Anyway the reason I titled this hobbies is because a friend of mine with three daughters in college who used to go to yoga came back last night. I ran into her at the mall last week and told her to come back and she said she missed it and it is expensive but she came back. She is a superhealthy person who taught aerobics for years and this is the only exercise that alleviates some of her back pain from overtraining for years. Nice to have a friend there again and we do share similar hobbies. Mine are typical empty nest symdrome hobbies, shopping, yoga, and now my meal planning gig but hey I find this all very fulfilling. If I had a housekeeper I would consider myself a whole woman.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Body Blobs
I love the Biggest Loser and last time they had the individual loser show I noticed something I thought I was nuts for believing before. I have always noticed during weight loss that there are times when it looks as though your body is distorted and there are weird lumps in your waist and belly area. Sometimes they are just on one side. Then you lose a few pounds and poof they are frigging gone. It seems to be that way when you are about halfway to goal, or may be the last 20 to 25 pounds. I know they say weight comes off somewhat evenly or at least the part you gained first, usually stomach hips thighs, for women, goes last, but to me there seems to be this weird point in the journey where there are these weird lumps.
I have noticed that a lot lately, but thought maybe it was just myself being overanalytical since I spend an hour and a half a day looking at my sweaty body in the Bikrams mirror. I did notice with the last group of women on loser though that they had the same thing happen and maybe it was so noticeable due to the dramatic weight loss. I noticed that little blonde girl with the weird glasses who is dating the guy who won, (I am so bad at names) was very pear shaped and a couple of weeks I noticed she had these weird rolls appear in some odd place and then they would be gone. I will have to look this up on weight watchers science of weight loss area on the site or maybe can ask an expert there, but they will probably think I am nuts.
I am finally getting to the point of looking proportioned I noticed last night at yoga, but still have some lumpy lard around my waist area. I will bet that is the next fat to go.
Lumpy lard lump be gone!
On a good note, when I was watching the Olympics last night I realized I am as limber as those girls are. I can't do a split on a quarter inch blade with a tuu tuu on, but I can do the split as well as any of them. Told my fiance those are poses we do in Bikrams.
I bonked in Bikrams about 3/4 through last night. I thought I had enough food in me but was wrong. It is almost worse when I eat too much but brought in some tabbouli and tuna for a small snack before class, but the class today is an hour earlier so may not need it. I have shrimp sauteed in wine and garlice with peppers and onions served over brown rice for lunch.
I am also experimenting with eating 10 fresh veggies and fruits over the 6 or 8 weight watcher requires. I read this in one of those Oxygen special editions. I bought a bunch of raw veggies precut and brought them in to work and load up this bowl for the day and munch on it. I am sure that is 4-5 right there.
Today I am going to add a sculpt after Bikrams if I have the energy. That will give me more activity points to have some salty sticks or 94% free popcorn while watching the males perform on Idol tonight. I know there is at least one really hot guy, Ace, which is our dogs name. See I do remember some names. If they are attached to hot guys or animals.
I have noticed that a lot lately, but thought maybe it was just myself being overanalytical since I spend an hour and a half a day looking at my sweaty body in the Bikrams mirror. I did notice with the last group of women on loser though that they had the same thing happen and maybe it was so noticeable due to the dramatic weight loss. I noticed that little blonde girl with the weird glasses who is dating the guy who won, (I am so bad at names) was very pear shaped and a couple of weeks I noticed she had these weird rolls appear in some odd place and then they would be gone. I will have to look this up on weight watchers science of weight loss area on the site or maybe can ask an expert there, but they will probably think I am nuts.
I am finally getting to the point of looking proportioned I noticed last night at yoga, but still have some lumpy lard around my waist area. I will bet that is the next fat to go.
Lumpy lard lump be gone!
On a good note, when I was watching the Olympics last night I realized I am as limber as those girls are. I can't do a split on a quarter inch blade with a tuu tuu on, but I can do the split as well as any of them. Told my fiance those are poses we do in Bikrams.
I bonked in Bikrams about 3/4 through last night. I thought I had enough food in me but was wrong. It is almost worse when I eat too much but brought in some tabbouli and tuna for a small snack before class, but the class today is an hour earlier so may not need it. I have shrimp sauteed in wine and garlice with peppers and onions served over brown rice for lunch.
I am also experimenting with eating 10 fresh veggies and fruits over the 6 or 8 weight watcher requires. I read this in one of those Oxygen special editions. I bought a bunch of raw veggies precut and brought them in to work and load up this bowl for the day and munch on it. I am sure that is 4-5 right there.
Today I am going to add a sculpt after Bikrams if I have the energy. That will give me more activity points to have some salty sticks or 94% free popcorn while watching the males perform on Idol tonight. I know there is at least one really hot guy, Ace, which is our dogs name. See I do remember some names. If they are attached to hot guys or animals.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Its Only A Pound
Well, I am down a pound and 19 pounds from goal. I only lost a pound this week. I love it when people say that. Especially at weight watcher meetings. One reason that this is working for me is that I think only a pound is huge. It is a step in the right direction. I didn't stay the same, I didn't gain, and that pound of fat was hard earned. I have to thank myself for my efforts. Thank you Joan.
I also hear the braggers at meetings. Two women behind me lost over two pounds. That does not make me feel bad, because they are huge and if they get within 20 pounds of their goal, they will also have experienced plateaus, gains, tiny losses, and feeling like they are getting nowhere. But those small losses add up. One week I lost .2. One week I gained .8 and I would have given anything for that .2 loss. I have had two small gains since I joined ww and those were not true gains, because I worked the program, but I think the body doesn't always recognize my efforts. It is like a delayed scale effect. Then all of a sudden. Bam.
I have also had to give my body permission to lose. It took a long time to get through the 190s. I think the fat I lost was filled with pent up fear and anger and tension because that what my life was like when I gained those pounds. So I had to let go of those emotions with the fat. I remember a couple of times laying in savasana in yoga and thinking body, yes you can get rid of THAT fat.
I also noticed that when I feel stress now, there is a lot less tissue and fat to hold it in, so I don't feel it as much. My daughter has a problem right now, which of course I have to help solve, that caused me a lot of stress, but I am just not feeling it in my body. I am also not using food to soothe it. I am using yoga and shopping and cooking healthy meals.
Anyway on a lighter note, I tried on swimming suits for my pending Ochos Rios vacation. Not good, but not horrible. I pulled out some sculpt dvds and am working on those now too. I will be fine by vacation and can definitely find two swim suits that will look decent by then I am sure.
I also hear the braggers at meetings. Two women behind me lost over two pounds. That does not make me feel bad, because they are huge and if they get within 20 pounds of their goal, they will also have experienced plateaus, gains, tiny losses, and feeling like they are getting nowhere. But those small losses add up. One week I lost .2. One week I gained .8 and I would have given anything for that .2 loss. I have had two small gains since I joined ww and those were not true gains, because I worked the program, but I think the body doesn't always recognize my efforts. It is like a delayed scale effect. Then all of a sudden. Bam.
I have also had to give my body permission to lose. It took a long time to get through the 190s. I think the fat I lost was filled with pent up fear and anger and tension because that what my life was like when I gained those pounds. So I had to let go of those emotions with the fat. I remember a couple of times laying in savasana in yoga and thinking body, yes you can get rid of THAT fat.
I also noticed that when I feel stress now, there is a lot less tissue and fat to hold it in, so I don't feel it as much. My daughter has a problem right now, which of course I have to help solve, that caused me a lot of stress, but I am just not feeling it in my body. I am also not using food to soothe it. I am using yoga and shopping and cooking healthy meals.
Anyway on a lighter note, I tried on swimming suits for my pending Ochos Rios vacation. Not good, but not horrible. I pulled out some sculpt dvds and am working on those now too. I will be fine by vacation and can definitely find two swim suits that will look decent by then I am sure.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Failed Again
A friend of mine started emailing me every day a couple of weeks ago about recommitting to her new lifestyle. She was emailing a list of people from Beachbody about what she was doing daily, what her goals were, and what she was eating. For the past week I haven’t heard from her and she hasn’t been posting on Beachbody. I already know the reason. She has already failed. She had been losing and gaining on Beachbody programs for two years. Her stats are the same as they were when she started.She failed. I knew right away she was setting herself up for failure. I was supportive during her emailing frenzy and did not point this out to her. If I knew her better I would have called her on this, but did not want to hurt her or not be supportive. It is a fine line to cross between honesty and negativity. I did not want to cross it although I would have been doing her a favor if I had.I just had seen her do this too many times and had made the same mistakes over and over myself. Thus, the yo yo dieting. Here are some key signs you are yet on another yo of yo yo dieting:
1. You are recommitting as of day one. This doesn’t really work just like dieting doesn’t work because there is an end implicit in it. You have to look at this as a continuation of a journey that doesn’t end. This friend was counting days. It was as though everything prior had not counted, but they do.
2. You double up on exercise or start an unrealistic program. This friend had decided to do two workouts a day. This is a set up for failure for most of us because we have busy lives. It isn’t realistic to be able to do this day to day if you have a job, kids, relationships, friends, etc. It is okay to plan two workouts a day here and there, but working out too much can lead to injuries. Injuries can take you out of the exercise game.
3. Setting up an unrealistic food plan, whether it is a drastic cut back in calories all of a sudden, or food elimination, this is a set up for failure. I personally had to take the word no out of my eating vocabulary. Now I know a few people can do this, but most of us can’t. For instance I can’t hear the word no in front of the coke. I have them occasionally and they are planned for. This friend started out with no in front of certain words and within a week she was confessing to cheating on this, thus another set up for failure.
4. Committing to a single program. Variety works. If you get a new program, whether it is diet, exercise, or a combination you feel you have to marry the program. Thus, when you do one thing wrong, you fail. A new program is almost always too regimented. You need to tweak and see what works for you over time. One size does not fit all. You have to have a plan for when the program is over whether you are on maintenance or what.
There are other things I could mention, but these are a few things I know for sure from my own experience. If she emails me maybe I will be honest with her. I did email her once that she was overdoing the workouts and she got defensive. At least I can read people.
1. You are recommitting as of day one. This doesn’t really work just like dieting doesn’t work because there is an end implicit in it. You have to look at this as a continuation of a journey that doesn’t end. This friend was counting days. It was as though everything prior had not counted, but they do.
2. You double up on exercise or start an unrealistic program. This friend had decided to do two workouts a day. This is a set up for failure for most of us because we have busy lives. It isn’t realistic to be able to do this day to day if you have a job, kids, relationships, friends, etc. It is okay to plan two workouts a day here and there, but working out too much can lead to injuries. Injuries can take you out of the exercise game.
3. Setting up an unrealistic food plan, whether it is a drastic cut back in calories all of a sudden, or food elimination, this is a set up for failure. I personally had to take the word no out of my eating vocabulary. Now I know a few people can do this, but most of us can’t. For instance I can’t hear the word no in front of the coke. I have them occasionally and they are planned for. This friend started out with no in front of certain words and within a week she was confessing to cheating on this, thus another set up for failure.
4. Committing to a single program. Variety works. If you get a new program, whether it is diet, exercise, or a combination you feel you have to marry the program. Thus, when you do one thing wrong, you fail. A new program is almost always too regimented. You need to tweak and see what works for you over time. One size does not fit all. You have to have a plan for when the program is over whether you are on maintenance or what.
There are other things I could mention, but these are a few things I know for sure from my own experience. If she emails me maybe I will be honest with her. I did email her once that she was overdoing the workouts and she got defensive. At least I can read people.
Monday, February 13, 2006
20 Pounds Til Goal
I almost can't believe it. I only lost .6 but got in the 180s. That is huge for me. I spent months trying to get back on track and now I am doing it.
It all comes down to believing in yourself. If you don't really think it is going to happen and you constantly doubt yourself, you won't accomplish anything. You are just marking time to self-sabotage. I have done that. I move in that direction, all the while never thinking I will accomplish my goal and then I get close and panic. I am not supposed to be there. I have spent almost 50 years defining myself as a fat person. I will probably do it at goal too. I have the fat chick mentality. That is hard to rewire. It might be impossible no matter what the scale says. Now, I believe it. I believe I will get to 169. I am not looking past that right now. Well, I am thinking about it, but right now I am thinking in terms of short term goals. My short term goal is ten pounds, or 170s by my vacation in April.
I know the work will be harder now. I am constantly re-evaluating my food plan and exercise. Although I love yoga, I am trying to add more cardio and weights. Hate to give up any yoga though.
I went to a party and sort of sabotaged my week. I mean, it is my birthday and we are going out for vd tomorrow and I nibbled on a few things that cut into my flex points. Sucks royal. Will really have to watch it at dinner, but I can make it up Wednesday through Friday. I hate weigh in though. I almost frigging passed out in yoga on Saturday morning. Kind of feels good though too in a way. Yesterday I was hungry, so carbed up a little and felt better.
I do believe in carbs.
It all comes down to believing in yourself. If you don't really think it is going to happen and you constantly doubt yourself, you won't accomplish anything. You are just marking time to self-sabotage. I have done that. I move in that direction, all the while never thinking I will accomplish my goal and then I get close and panic. I am not supposed to be there. I have spent almost 50 years defining myself as a fat person. I will probably do it at goal too. I have the fat chick mentality. That is hard to rewire. It might be impossible no matter what the scale says. Now, I believe it. I believe I will get to 169. I am not looking past that right now. Well, I am thinking about it, but right now I am thinking in terms of short term goals. My short term goal is ten pounds, or 170s by my vacation in April.
I know the work will be harder now. I am constantly re-evaluating my food plan and exercise. Although I love yoga, I am trying to add more cardio and weights. Hate to give up any yoga though.
I went to a party and sort of sabotaged my week. I mean, it is my birthday and we are going out for vd tomorrow and I nibbled on a few things that cut into my flex points. Sucks royal. Will really have to watch it at dinner, but I can make it up Wednesday through Friday. I hate weigh in though. I almost frigging passed out in yoga on Saturday morning. Kind of feels good though too in a way. Yesterday I was hungry, so carbed up a little and felt better.
I do believe in carbs.
Friday, February 10, 2006
I Hate Friday
Only because it is the day before weigh-in.
Weigh-ins are traumatic for me. I have to force myself on the scale every week. That is why I go to Weight watches. I can't get around it. It is required. Last week I was thrilled to get to 190 on the scale so this week I am scared it will go up. Last week I dreamed before weigh in that I got on and it said 255. The other night I dreamed it was 187. I know it won't be that. I cut back on points a couple of days before weigh in so am usually starved by then, but like my glycogen stores low. I also go there immediately after a Bikram yoga session so am also severally dehydrated. So obviously this has gotten to be quite a game for me, but it will be a relief when it is over tomorrow. I might not go to yoga tonight because last night I bonked severally so might just go home and work out and sit and watch tv but if I do that I will regret since John and Adam will be sitting around on their duffs eating potato chips. So I guess I will go.
I am the only person who hates Friday. I am thinking of changing meetings and going on Thursday instead.
Weigh-ins are traumatic for me. I have to force myself on the scale every week. That is why I go to Weight watches. I can't get around it. It is required. Last week I was thrilled to get to 190 on the scale so this week I am scared it will go up. Last week I dreamed before weigh in that I got on and it said 255. The other night I dreamed it was 187. I know it won't be that. I cut back on points a couple of days before weigh in so am usually starved by then, but like my glycogen stores low. I also go there immediately after a Bikram yoga session so am also severally dehydrated. So obviously this has gotten to be quite a game for me, but it will be a relief when it is over tomorrow. I might not go to yoga tonight because last night I bonked severally so might just go home and work out and sit and watch tv but if I do that I will regret since John and Adam will be sitting around on their duffs eating potato chips. So I guess I will go.
I am the only person who hates Friday. I am thinking of changing meetings and going on Thursday instead.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Arrested for NonSupport
I do use online support in dieting. At first I used Ediets, then Beachbody, and now Weight Watchers although I do not really post very much. I used to be a frequent poster on Ediets and Beachbody but found that that type of support wasn't helping.
For one thing there are a lot of people on there not as committed as I am and it is easy to get dragged into their excuse making and rationalizing not eating right. On Beachbody, a lot of them are committed to exercise but don't eat right. On Ediets I was just there too long. I did find one group of motivated people who preach the total elimination of a lot of foods. This worked for me for a while. Then I quit weighing in and gained like 40 pounds. I don't have any problem with that philosophy but it didn't work for me long term although I know a lot of people there who got to goal and stay there and never eat anything sweet or crappy.
I didn't join weight watchers in order to eat healthy foods though. I joined to learn new patterns of controlling what I eat. I could not hear the word no any more. Whether that meant no candy, no coke, no bread, no carrots. A lot of good diets have those types of restrictions. I know I don't want to do that.
At any rate, I at ww I use the boards for finding recipe and menu ideas and some motivation or information on the plan or exercise I might try. I don't post because I don't want to get bogged down in the cult of personality thing that goes along with that. It is bad enough to sit through weight watcher meetings week after week and listen to the same people who aren't losing whine about gagging on water and not liking exercise. I just shut that stuff out and take away what I need from the meeting. I don't try to convince them they are wrong or try to help them change their behavior. They will do it when they want it. If they wanted it bad enough they would do the program the way it is set up.
For one thing there are a lot of people on there not as committed as I am and it is easy to get dragged into their excuse making and rationalizing not eating right. On Beachbody, a lot of them are committed to exercise but don't eat right. On Ediets I was just there too long. I did find one group of motivated people who preach the total elimination of a lot of foods. This worked for me for a while. Then I quit weighing in and gained like 40 pounds. I don't have any problem with that philosophy but it didn't work for me long term although I know a lot of people there who got to goal and stay there and never eat anything sweet or crappy.
I didn't join weight watchers in order to eat healthy foods though. I joined to learn new patterns of controlling what I eat. I could not hear the word no any more. Whether that meant no candy, no coke, no bread, no carrots. A lot of good diets have those types of restrictions. I know I don't want to do that.
At any rate, I at ww I use the boards for finding recipe and menu ideas and some motivation or information on the plan or exercise I might try. I don't post because I don't want to get bogged down in the cult of personality thing that goes along with that. It is bad enough to sit through weight watcher meetings week after week and listen to the same people who aren't losing whine about gagging on water and not liking exercise. I just shut that stuff out and take away what I need from the meeting. I don't try to convince them they are wrong or try to help them change their behavior. They will do it when they want it. If they wanted it bad enough they would do the program the way it is set up.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
If She Has Said It Once......
I have worked in this office with this overweight woman for four years. As I have said before, as I have yo-yoed, she has stayed the same or gained. In the time I have known her she has barely bought herself new clothes. Every time a season is ending she says the same thing. That she will buy clothes when she loses more weight. She said that today. The sad thing is she hasn't lost any weight since I have known her. She is wearing the same clothes she has on every day for the four years I have known her. She recently bought a gym membership and does go regularly, albeit whining about being sore from the equipment.
The thing that isn't working for her is her diet. She eats the wrong things. She eats lots of sugar and processed foods all the time. Or fast food. She thinks picking up something from a Chinese takeout is healthy.
I think losing weight is 90% about the food. I think drinking water and exercising are essential components to weight loss success but if you just do those two things without monitoring evey bite, you won't be successful. I used to do that. After my climbing Devil's Lake trail incident I did initially work at getting in shape. I bought home exercise vidoes and did those. I got very fit, but I stayed fat for a long time, because I didn't really change my eating habits.
Now I spend about 99% of my day thinking about food. That hasn't changed a bit. I constantly plan what to eat, when to eat, and what I can change to keep my weight loss up.
My fiance is taking up exercise due to our upcoming trip. He must be intimidated by the nude beach. I know I am. But what a whiner. Between him, my coworker and the women at the weight watcher's meetings, I feel like I am at a 24/7 whinefest 2006.
Last week the ww women were whining about drinking water. I mean I am sorry, but I don't belive that many people actually gag from drinking water. I mean, do it and shut the hell up already.
The thing that isn't working for her is her diet. She eats the wrong things. She eats lots of sugar and processed foods all the time. Or fast food. She thinks picking up something from a Chinese takeout is healthy.
I think losing weight is 90% about the food. I think drinking water and exercising are essential components to weight loss success but if you just do those two things without monitoring evey bite, you won't be successful. I used to do that. After my climbing Devil's Lake trail incident I did initially work at getting in shape. I bought home exercise vidoes and did those. I got very fit, but I stayed fat for a long time, because I didn't really change my eating habits.
Now I spend about 99% of my day thinking about food. That hasn't changed a bit. I constantly plan what to eat, when to eat, and what I can change to keep my weight loss up.
My fiance is taking up exercise due to our upcoming trip. He must be intimidated by the nude beach. I know I am. But what a whiner. Between him, my coworker and the women at the weight watcher's meetings, I feel like I am at a 24/7 whinefest 2006.
Last week the ww women were whining about drinking water. I mean I am sorry, but I don't belive that many people actually gag from drinking water. I mean, do it and shut the hell up already.
Scarey Territory
My size 10 black pants fit perfectly now. They were very snug around xmas time. I look great and lean today. Feel like I am getting in deep territory. I feel scared. I look in the mirror and there is definitely a different person there. I fear I will look again and the weight will be back.
Seems like I would be getting more feedback from people at work but I have to remember. They are all fat, retarded white trailor trash jealous bitches. They already hate me because I am an arrogant bitch who thinks I am better than they are. So I guess we can call it even.
Seems like I would be getting more feedback from people at work but I have to remember. They are all fat, retarded white trailor trash jealous bitches. They already hate me because I am an arrogant bitch who thinks I am better than they are. So I guess we can call it even.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I Am Working For Me
Inevitably on a weight loss journey, you get to a point where people start "noticing". Inevitabley, they will start asking you questions. At first, you feel very flattered and you feel that your hard work has paid off. Even though they just noticed, it is probably not until you are somewhere between 20-30 pounds that people notice, even though you have noticed many physical changes already yourself, such as the loose pants or the thinner face. On my journey as a yo-yo dieter, I have reached the point many times where people noticed and they want to know how you did. They want to know what is working for you.
This part used to excite me because usually these people want to shed some weight themselves and I always felt I had the magic key. I had the experience to help them. I was eager to tell them how. Even though they probably know themselves. I am certainly not the only yo yo dieter in the world. Most others, who have tried and failed, are looking for something else. Because whatever they had done previously didn't work. If it had, they wouldn't have gained the weight back. A lot of times they will tell you, I did Jenny Craig, but it got too expensive. Or I did Weight Watchers, but I quit going to meetings and stopped exercising. So they want to know what is working for you because they think maybe something else will work for them. At this point I do tell them what I am doing, because I myself am normally convinced it is better and it works better than whatever xyz diet I have tried in the past or they have tried. Or maybe it is the different workout I am doing that is making the difference. At this point, as I have learned in the past, you do get a response but it is normally disappointing.
You see, these people don't want to hear what your program is because at this point I normally hear of some excuse of why my magic pill won't work. It usually sounds something like this:
I hate to exercise.
I can't drink water.
I don't like eating all of those fruits and veggies.
I can't give up potato chips, candy, ice cream, cheeseburgers......
You get the idea. They want to know what you are doing so they can find their excuse and back down in denial. I imagine if they are relating your current weight loss saga to someone else, it would sound something like this: You know I saw so and so and she did lose weight, but....... fill in the excuse. Or fill in the reason they will explain why you won't make it.
I no longer divulge too much of what I am doing. I know Star Jones is receiving a lot of flack for not admitting and advocating her bypass surgery but I understand it. I do tell people when they remark on my weight loss, very succinctly, that I am a weight watcher member, and I do a lot of yoga and cardio. Then I leave it at that.
When I reached my 10% goal at weight watchers the leader asked me if I wanted to share what is working for me. My response is that I am working for me. I don't think it matters what you are doing. I think any program works for anyone at any moment, but only if they are working the program and are making a commitment to it.
Right now, 21 pounds from goal, I am not focusing on what I am doing that much. I know what I am doing is working. I am focusing on maintenance and what I am going to do to make that work.
This part used to excite me because usually these people want to shed some weight themselves and I always felt I had the magic key. I had the experience to help them. I was eager to tell them how. Even though they probably know themselves. I am certainly not the only yo yo dieter in the world. Most others, who have tried and failed, are looking for something else. Because whatever they had done previously didn't work. If it had, they wouldn't have gained the weight back. A lot of times they will tell you, I did Jenny Craig, but it got too expensive. Or I did Weight Watchers, but I quit going to meetings and stopped exercising. So they want to know what is working for you because they think maybe something else will work for them. At this point I do tell them what I am doing, because I myself am normally convinced it is better and it works better than whatever xyz diet I have tried in the past or they have tried. Or maybe it is the different workout I am doing that is making the difference. At this point, as I have learned in the past, you do get a response but it is normally disappointing.
You see, these people don't want to hear what your program is because at this point I normally hear of some excuse of why my magic pill won't work. It usually sounds something like this:
I hate to exercise.
I can't drink water.
I don't like eating all of those fruits and veggies.
I can't give up potato chips, candy, ice cream, cheeseburgers......
You get the idea. They want to know what you are doing so they can find their excuse and back down in denial. I imagine if they are relating your current weight loss saga to someone else, it would sound something like this: You know I saw so and so and she did lose weight, but....... fill in the excuse. Or fill in the reason they will explain why you won't make it.
I no longer divulge too much of what I am doing. I know Star Jones is receiving a lot of flack for not admitting and advocating her bypass surgery but I understand it. I do tell people when they remark on my weight loss, very succinctly, that I am a weight watcher member, and I do a lot of yoga and cardio. Then I leave it at that.
When I reached my 10% goal at weight watchers the leader asked me if I wanted to share what is working for me. My response is that I am working for me. I don't think it matters what you are doing. I think any program works for anyone at any moment, but only if they are working the program and are making a commitment to it.
Right now, 21 pounds from goal, I am not focusing on what I am doing that much. I know what I am doing is working. I am focusing on maintenance and what I am going to do to make that work.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Sandy Beaches Drinking Rum Every Night
I am officially going to Jamaica.
I am grateful grateful grateful to myself for starting my weight loss journey last September 1st at 221.5 pounds. Now I am about 191. I can lose at least ten pounds by vacation but if I hadn't started I don't think I would be happy at all about going weighing in over 200. Hey I might even get a bikini. Or at least a tankini.
I am grateful grateful grateful to myself for starting my weight loss journey last September 1st at 221.5 pounds. Now I am about 191. I can lose at least ten pounds by vacation but if I hadn't started I don't think I would be happy at all about going weighing in over 200. Hey I might even get a bikini. Or at least a tankini.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
More Excuses
I work with an overweight woman and have for several years all the while my weight has gone up and down. Every time I lose, she gets very deep in denial and won't acknowledge my weight loss and that is really fine by mean. I don't really mind. I have been in her place. I always hated the person who is losing the weight. Because that person is a reminder that it can be done and in my denial of why I can not or am not losing, subconsciously, there is proof out there that something works. It is hard to be in that place.
Before I joined Ediets, I had an epiphany when my daughter was 8. Since I had been very active in my youth and atheltic, I thought I was still that way. Even though I probably weighed 250 or more and was a size 24 dress. I thought under it all is muscle and health and the old me, who was never really thin or at goal weight and that was a whole other level of denial.
I decided I was going to make sure my daughter was active so decided to take up , as a family, one of my old activities, hiking. We went to a popular state park I had never been to but was local. It was a Saturday. We got a map and proceeded up the hill. The hill was actually a deep incline stairway with stones. It was considered an advanced climb. It would be very easy to twist an ankle on this trail. We started up. It wasn't very long before I was struggling, had a loss of breath and a tightness in my lungs. My impatient daughter chided me to climb and I did, but I was struggling. We weren't even half up and I had to stop every few steps and sit down. I was only 38 years old and realized at that point that I was not in shape and I could have a heart attack doing something that silly and leave my daughter parentless. I climbed though and made it.
I decided at that point to change. The changes took a long time to get me to where I am now. But that was the point I could no longer use the excuses. That was a huge change.
Before I joined Ediets, I had an epiphany when my daughter was 8. Since I had been very active in my youth and atheltic, I thought I was still that way. Even though I probably weighed 250 or more and was a size 24 dress. I thought under it all is muscle and health and the old me, who was never really thin or at goal weight and that was a whole other level of denial.
I decided I was going to make sure my daughter was active so decided to take up , as a family, one of my old activities, hiking. We went to a popular state park I had never been to but was local. It was a Saturday. We got a map and proceeded up the hill. The hill was actually a deep incline stairway with stones. It was considered an advanced climb. It would be very easy to twist an ankle on this trail. We started up. It wasn't very long before I was struggling, had a loss of breath and a tightness in my lungs. My impatient daughter chided me to climb and I did, but I was struggling. We weren't even half up and I had to stop every few steps and sit down. I was only 38 years old and realized at that point that I was not in shape and I could have a heart attack doing something that silly and leave my daughter parentless. I climbed though and made it.
I decided at that point to change. The changes took a long time to get me to where I am now. But that was the point I could no longer use the excuses. That was a huge change.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)