In weight loss as everything else you have to persist and you have to really want it.
I made a decision on September 1st 2005 that I would pursue my weight goal unrelentlessly. Even though I have tried and failed, that my problem was being impatient and not believing I could be successful. Quitting is just not an option.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Landmark Day
I worked my ass off and made my 10% weight watchers goal today. This is a huge mark. I feel and look great. Am very pleased.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Owning It
The only true way to get over something is to own it. The only way to be successful is to identify and accept and acknowledge what is holding you back. That is why weight loss will be different for me this time. That is how I got to this point period.
I had big problems with my daughter in high school. During the two year hell she put me through I constantly evaluated what my own part was in this. While I knew her problems were brought on by her abusive relationship, there were still other issues. Issues she had with me. I wanted to be in denial about my part in it, but I couldn't do that. I had to know. I felt my part in this had been spoiling and indulging her for years. She thought everything she did was ok no matter what and I would fix it. Doing all her dirty work for her enabled her to continue to ruin her life and mine. She knew it would ultimately be fixed. The important part in me proceeding forward from the devastation she caused was to acknowledge my part. Everyone else wanted to look elsewhere, drugs, alcohol, friends or whatever. Those were all factors, but I had a hand in this.
My own fiance is not able to this with his own kid yet. His child was recently wrongly diagnosed with ADD. He doesn't have it. He is never disciplined and is babied. He is allowed to do what he wants when he wants. Neither parent has any expectations of him or gives him any responsibility so he doesn't take this on himself since he is just a kid. This year he has decided, in 8th grade, that homework is hard and he can't focus on it, so they hauled him off to some quack who says he has ADD. He was tested before and told he didn't have it. I guess he "caught" it from someone? At any rate, this makes it easy for his parents. He has a problem, an illness, a flaw, so they don't have to take responsibility for his problem. They aren't owning it. They have an excuse now and they can lose the guilt. Very convenient. Unless I am wrong, and the "meds" they give him will make him come home and focus on his homework rather than his normal 24/7 tv and video game activities. They will have to learn the hard way, but it is much easier to train an 8th grader than a 19 year old.
Glad he isn't my kid.
At any rate, with weight loss, which I have been very successful with, owning it is making a difference this time. I am not allowing any excuses in. No rationalizing this is because I had a wacky crazy mom. Everyone has a wacky crazy mom who ruined their life, including my own daughter. No more of that. It just enables me to do what I want because what is the point right? If your mom or whomever has caused you all this deep damage, why bother? They have set you up for failure. But ultimately that failure is years of my own patterns. Yes, I learned bad patterns from my mom. But I can change them. I can rewire them. But only if I own them first.
I had big problems with my daughter in high school. During the two year hell she put me through I constantly evaluated what my own part was in this. While I knew her problems were brought on by her abusive relationship, there were still other issues. Issues she had with me. I wanted to be in denial about my part in it, but I couldn't do that. I had to know. I felt my part in this had been spoiling and indulging her for years. She thought everything she did was ok no matter what and I would fix it. Doing all her dirty work for her enabled her to continue to ruin her life and mine. She knew it would ultimately be fixed. The important part in me proceeding forward from the devastation she caused was to acknowledge my part. Everyone else wanted to look elsewhere, drugs, alcohol, friends or whatever. Those were all factors, but I had a hand in this.
My own fiance is not able to this with his own kid yet. His child was recently wrongly diagnosed with ADD. He doesn't have it. He is never disciplined and is babied. He is allowed to do what he wants when he wants. Neither parent has any expectations of him or gives him any responsibility so he doesn't take this on himself since he is just a kid. This year he has decided, in 8th grade, that homework is hard and he can't focus on it, so they hauled him off to some quack who says he has ADD. He was tested before and told he didn't have it. I guess he "caught" it from someone? At any rate, this makes it easy for his parents. He has a problem, an illness, a flaw, so they don't have to take responsibility for his problem. They aren't owning it. They have an excuse now and they can lose the guilt. Very convenient. Unless I am wrong, and the "meds" they give him will make him come home and focus on his homework rather than his normal 24/7 tv and video game activities. They will have to learn the hard way, but it is much easier to train an 8th grader than a 19 year old.
Glad he isn't my kid.
At any rate, with weight loss, which I have been very successful with, owning it is making a difference this time. I am not allowing any excuses in. No rationalizing this is because I had a wacky crazy mom. Everyone has a wacky crazy mom who ruined their life, including my own daughter. No more of that. It just enables me to do what I want because what is the point right? If your mom or whomever has caused you all this deep damage, why bother? They have set you up for failure. But ultimately that failure is years of my own patterns. Yes, I learned bad patterns from my mom. But I can change them. I can rewire them. But only if I own them first.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Why It Is Different
This time.
Because I am willing to take as long as I want to and do whatever to get what I want. I want a perfect body. I want a celeb bod. I can have that. I never thought I could have it, but I can.
One of my yoga teachers has the tightest body I have ever seen. She is a very advanced practitioner. She is small but hard. And shapely. I will have what she is having.
Was thinking about my mom today and why she makes me want to eat. She still has me typed in a way that is suitable for her. She practically screeched at me last week to not lose more weight. Because it is not comfortable for her. It isn't comfortable for her that I have a great guy. She has me typed as her desperate for a man fat loser daughter. When I stepped out of that box, she panicked. She still wants me in that box because then she can play the poor martyr with the two fat loser daughters. I won't let her do that to me any more like my sister does. She reminds me in her own way from time to time how desperate I was to get a man etc. I don't think I really was. But she is trying to let me know I don't really deserve this and it may go away. She probably secretly thinks it will go away. Maybe I am in denial about what I am? I guess that is a mother's job. To not let you get in denial. Not let you let go of what you don't like about yourself. It is like her job is to drag the old me out and hold it front of me and the world like see, THIS is what you really are.
Because I am willing to take as long as I want to and do whatever to get what I want. I want a perfect body. I want a celeb bod. I can have that. I never thought I could have it, but I can.
One of my yoga teachers has the tightest body I have ever seen. She is a very advanced practitioner. She is small but hard. And shapely. I will have what she is having.
Was thinking about my mom today and why she makes me want to eat. She still has me typed in a way that is suitable for her. She practically screeched at me last week to not lose more weight. Because it is not comfortable for her. It isn't comfortable for her that I have a great guy. She has me typed as her desperate for a man fat loser daughter. When I stepped out of that box, she panicked. She still wants me in that box because then she can play the poor martyr with the two fat loser daughters. I won't let her do that to me any more like my sister does. She reminds me in her own way from time to time how desperate I was to get a man etc. I don't think I really was. But she is trying to let me know I don't really deserve this and it may go away. She probably secretly thinks it will go away. Maybe I am in denial about what I am? I guess that is a mother's job. To not let you get in denial. Not let you let go of what you don't like about yourself. It is like her job is to drag the old me out and hold it front of me and the world like see, THIS is what you really are.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Heeby-Jeeby Day
I don't know what was wrong with me but I would have eaten my shirt yesterday. Had to have something in my mouth all day. Am sure Fiance would have better ideas, but I went to yoga and had a rough class. I think I ate too much before yoga, although I was within my points allowance.
Note to self for future reference. I love that chicken and white bean and lentil soup but it is lethal. Next time make a smaller batch. I was going to lunch it with the soup all week but after two days I can't face it any more or the fiber one. Today will be gentler food.
Note to self for future reference. I love that chicken and white bean and lentil soup but it is lethal. Next time make a smaller batch. I was going to lunch it with the soup all week but after two days I can't face it any more or the fiber one. Today will be gentler food.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Starting Over
I am not.
I started over on September 1st at 221.5 pounds. I joined Weight Watchers at 212.5 and now I am 193.2. I don't believe in starting over since that implies there is a finish line and there isn't one.
I am a professional yo yo dieter. A few years ago I got down to 177. I know it sounds like a lot, but I am 5'9" and carry a lot of muscle. I am actually in a size ten jean now for the most part. My immediate goal is 169. When I get there, I will be pretty damn hot, since I am hot now. For a 49 year old at any rate.
I am engaged to a great guy and my daughter is in college.
I am a Bikram yoga addict.
I started over on September 1st at 221.5 pounds. I joined Weight Watchers at 212.5 and now I am 193.2. I don't believe in starting over since that implies there is a finish line and there isn't one.
I am a professional yo yo dieter. A few years ago I got down to 177. I know it sounds like a lot, but I am 5'9" and carry a lot of muscle. I am actually in a size ten jean now for the most part. My immediate goal is 169. When I get there, I will be pretty damn hot, since I am hot now. For a 49 year old at any rate.
I am engaged to a great guy and my daughter is in college.
I am a Bikram yoga addict.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)