Another Damn Weight Loss Blog
I have been very frustrated with my lack of weight loss. It seems like I should be losing but I am not. I am working out very hard every day and am constantly working on my nutrition and logging my calories. So today I thought what the hell? Why not just sit here already below my initial goal and enjoy it. I look great. My body is improving all the time. If my weight wants to let go, it will. But of course there is the other side that says more, better, keep going.
Active weight loss, like I spent a year in, is hard work but the rewards are great and the scale is a good monitor as it goes down. Now the results are more subtle. I can't brag that I lost a pound last week, but I know I improved my physique. It changes all the time. It has to when you work out as hard as I do. So I continue to plug along.
Yesterday in yoga teacher training, I taught the group the first half of the yoga series and I did an outstanding job. It was so rewarding to hear how good I did. It felt very natural and I had fun doing it. I wanted to do more. I think I am a born teacher working as a boring accountant and it is nice to do something rewarding that people will appreciate and can improve their lives with.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
THE BALANCE
The balance of power has changed with my weight loss. I knew I would deal with it in my family but outside of the family it has gotten worse.
I had planned a party for this Saturday over the past month and two couples were invited. The two women were friends at one point, but one has offended the other in a variety of ways and this past Sunday, the offended one, who is a better friend of mine, told me she didn’t want to come because of this other women. Because this is a work relationship, they will have to interact in social situations and the one woman is clueless that my friend is upset with her, because she has never told her. She just rants about her to me all the time. My closer friend, J, has somewhat of a martyr complex and informed me she had told df that she didn’t want to come. (They work together). Of course he spared my feelings and never told me but I was getting the idea that no one was too excited about my party.J has been very passive aggressive about my weight loss. Last time I saw her she seemed offended that I have lost so much and asked me in stern voice exactly how much more weight I intended to lose! Since then I have kind of laid low with her but was hoping my party would be fun.
Then she suggested to me she would put aside her feelings about the other woman, for my sake, and come to my party anyways. Awww!! What a great friend! That is SO nice of her Joan said sarcastically.
Well, I am not going to let her be a martyr at my expense. So today I pulled the plug and made a lame veiled excuse and cancelled the party after which she told me that she had intended to call me and tell me she was going to come. I don’t think she is stupid. She must realize I cancelled the party due to her, but she acted like she BELIEVED my lame excuse to cancel.
See this woman is exactly what she keeps calling the other woman. A selfish attention whore. She doesn’t want ME to have the attention by pulling off a nice party and being thin, so she ruined it for me! But I didn’t let her. Because I don’t need friends like that and as of today I no longer regard her as a friend. She suggested we get together soon but that won’t happen. I am not going to put myself in the position. Again. Of her having any power over me. I felt bad this morning but thought you know, why do I want to spend a lot of money on a party that no one appreciates. I just wanted everyone to have fun after all. I am not out after accolades or anything.
So I won’t be planning any parties any time soon with them. She suggested she would have a gettogether at her house soon. But I won’t go.
I also left her with the caveat that I had just purchased a large amount of EXPENSIVE clothes and BOOTS this past weekend because not long ago I told her on the phone I had purchased new jeans and she told me she wished I wouldn't do that since I am losing weight so fast and I am wasting money on clothes that will get to big.
I haven't lost any real weight in almost three months. My weight is pretty stable. Try as I will, the scale is not budging. My body is changing, but not my weight so I think where I am is pretty much where I am staying, with improvements.
Anyway I am better off with no friends at all than with this woman.
I had planned a party for this Saturday over the past month and two couples were invited. The two women were friends at one point, but one has offended the other in a variety of ways and this past Sunday, the offended one, who is a better friend of mine, told me she didn’t want to come because of this other women. Because this is a work relationship, they will have to interact in social situations and the one woman is clueless that my friend is upset with her, because she has never told her. She just rants about her to me all the time. My closer friend, J, has somewhat of a martyr complex and informed me she had told df that she didn’t want to come. (They work together). Of course he spared my feelings and never told me but I was getting the idea that no one was too excited about my party.J has been very passive aggressive about my weight loss. Last time I saw her she seemed offended that I have lost so much and asked me in stern voice exactly how much more weight I intended to lose! Since then I have kind of laid low with her but was hoping my party would be fun.
Then she suggested to me she would put aside her feelings about the other woman, for my sake, and come to my party anyways. Awww!! What a great friend! That is SO nice of her Joan said sarcastically.
Well, I am not going to let her be a martyr at my expense. So today I pulled the plug and made a lame veiled excuse and cancelled the party after which she told me that she had intended to call me and tell me she was going to come. I don’t think she is stupid. She must realize I cancelled the party due to her, but she acted like she BELIEVED my lame excuse to cancel.
See this woman is exactly what she keeps calling the other woman. A selfish attention whore. She doesn’t want ME to have the attention by pulling off a nice party and being thin, so she ruined it for me! But I didn’t let her. Because I don’t need friends like that and as of today I no longer regard her as a friend. She suggested we get together soon but that won’t happen. I am not going to put myself in the position. Again. Of her having any power over me. I felt bad this morning but thought you know, why do I want to spend a lot of money on a party that no one appreciates. I just wanted everyone to have fun after all. I am not out after accolades or anything.
So I won’t be planning any parties any time soon with them. She suggested she would have a gettogether at her house soon. But I won’t go.
I also left her with the caveat that I had just purchased a large amount of EXPENSIVE clothes and BOOTS this past weekend because not long ago I told her on the phone I had purchased new jeans and she told me she wished I wouldn't do that since I am losing weight so fast and I am wasting money on clothes that will get to big.
I haven't lost any real weight in almost three months. My weight is pretty stable. Try as I will, the scale is not budging. My body is changing, but not my weight so I think where I am is pretty much where I am staying, with improvements.
Anyway I am better off with no friends at all than with this woman.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
YOGA MIRACLE
There is a woman in my yoga teacher training who is a little older than I am. 55. She has a remarkable story the teachers like to tell. She came in two years ago, 70 pounds heavier than she is now and had suffered a heart attack, had high blood pressure and borderline diabetic. She was taking the meds the western doc had prescribed and was basically a walking time bomb. She said she had battled weight all her life and the little heart attack scared her enough so she knew she had to do something. For some reason she walked in the studio, got through the first week of Bikram HELL and now two years later is one of the studios total transformation studies. She practices regularly 5-6 times a week, has lost 70 pounds, is off her meds, and is a future yoga teacher leader goddess who can help others.
Yesterday she told us she had been to her doctor and her blood pressure was like 100/60. She is off all meds, has kept her weight off and she said she is just a calmer person. She quit a stressful job she hated and is embarking on a new career in the medical field. She looks great and bought herself a convertible. In other words, she transformed her life 180 degrees.
She contributes most of her success to finding Bikrams. Then she told us about her friends who are skeptical. To even try it. Because THEY HATE HEAT! Or they don’t have time. Or they just don’t believe, in the face of a prime example of it WORKING, that it can work and do all of that.
Of course you would think her doctor is a believer, but no. The yo yo said she needs to check with the other dumb dumb doctor specialist to make sure she should not be on the meds. Those docs believe in the meds the pharmaceutical companies get them to sell and that the insurance companies cover with money from our premiums. They back those up. I guess the yo yo must believe that the meds are better than yoga, which is weird. And a fad.
I asked what she did to change her eating habits and she said after the yoga started, her eating habits changed sort of gradually and naturally.
She knows she was on the path to deadsville. She got scared straight after the heart attack. Most people are scared when it happens. They might go through surgery and rehab, but chances are, they forget about being scared and almost dying and go back to what go them there.
Did you know during bypass surgery that they actually have to stop your heart and the biggest risk of the surgery is that they can’t start it back again, which the risk of is even larger if you compound it with obesity and other related problems?The sad thing is most of our society would think the doctor is right. Going off meds they prescribe is dangerous! My fiance’s 14 year old son was ‘diagnosed’ with ADD last year and this year still takes a sleeping pill at night to sleep and then pops a pill to wake up. My fiancé is really against drugs. He thinks drugs are evil, if they are not prescribed by a doctor and he trusts the whacko therapist who prescribed this, because now the kid seems ‘better’. This kid lives on the following foods: orange soda, chips, hot dogs, bologna, white pasta occasionally, white bread, and occasionally some beef or chicken. He eats no fruits or vegetables. I totally believe his emotional health, which they diagnose as add, is due to a chemical imbalance. It is believed the preservatives in hot dogs and other processed meats can cause add symptoms and these things are a mainstay in his diet. But fiancé believes the food companies are to be trusted as the doctors are. After much major lecturing on my part, fiancé is finally turning into a believer though and now the kid will occasionally drink a protein drink that I concocted and fiancé withholds sweets. Of course the kid finds a way to get them on his own, but at least something is being done.
I hate to think of this kid addicted to the sleeping pills and speed he is on, but hey he isn’t my kid. Not much I can say.
It is all I can do myself to restrain myself from indulging in bad foods myself.
Yesterday she told us she had been to her doctor and her blood pressure was like 100/60. She is off all meds, has kept her weight off and she said she is just a calmer person. She quit a stressful job she hated and is embarking on a new career in the medical field. She looks great and bought herself a convertible. In other words, she transformed her life 180 degrees.
She contributes most of her success to finding Bikrams. Then she told us about her friends who are skeptical. To even try it. Because THEY HATE HEAT! Or they don’t have time. Or they just don’t believe, in the face of a prime example of it WORKING, that it can work and do all of that.
Of course you would think her doctor is a believer, but no. The yo yo said she needs to check with the other dumb dumb doctor specialist to make sure she should not be on the meds. Those docs believe in the meds the pharmaceutical companies get them to sell and that the insurance companies cover with money from our premiums. They back those up. I guess the yo yo must believe that the meds are better than yoga, which is weird. And a fad.
I asked what she did to change her eating habits and she said after the yoga started, her eating habits changed sort of gradually and naturally.
She knows she was on the path to deadsville. She got scared straight after the heart attack. Most people are scared when it happens. They might go through surgery and rehab, but chances are, they forget about being scared and almost dying and go back to what go them there.
Did you know during bypass surgery that they actually have to stop your heart and the biggest risk of the surgery is that they can’t start it back again, which the risk of is even larger if you compound it with obesity and other related problems?The sad thing is most of our society would think the doctor is right. Going off meds they prescribe is dangerous! My fiance’s 14 year old son was ‘diagnosed’ with ADD last year and this year still takes a sleeping pill at night to sleep and then pops a pill to wake up. My fiancé is really against drugs. He thinks drugs are evil, if they are not prescribed by a doctor and he trusts the whacko therapist who prescribed this, because now the kid seems ‘better’. This kid lives on the following foods: orange soda, chips, hot dogs, bologna, white pasta occasionally, white bread, and occasionally some beef or chicken. He eats no fruits or vegetables. I totally believe his emotional health, which they diagnose as add, is due to a chemical imbalance. It is believed the preservatives in hot dogs and other processed meats can cause add symptoms and these things are a mainstay in his diet. But fiancé believes the food companies are to be trusted as the doctors are. After much major lecturing on my part, fiancé is finally turning into a believer though and now the kid will occasionally drink a protein drink that I concocted and fiancé withholds sweets. Of course the kid finds a way to get them on his own, but at least something is being done.
I hate to think of this kid addicted to the sleeping pills and speed he is on, but hey he isn’t my kid. Not much I can say.
It is all I can do myself to restrain myself from indulging in bad foods myself.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Happy Halloween
Yesterday I did not mean to put up a whiney blog, more of a warning. When I was obese and overweight I read blogs on people who were successful like crazy. I really thought the key to happiness is thinness. And it is in a way, but it does not solve problems. The problems are still there. You just have new coping mechanisms other than eating your way through them. Eating your way through a problem is a problem. And it solves nothing. It creates another problem, fat.
Changing this behavior is difficult because your impulse is to reach for x when y happens. Lately I have a lot of x things happening and am struggling to not engage in y behavior. Today is a difficult day for a lot of us battling with our food addictions. Work places everywhere are having their Halloween potlucks. Our copy room right now is full of cookies, brownies, chips, candy, and crocks full of cheesey gooey stuff.
The last few times I participated I literally ate myself silly. Work potlucks were an excuse to blow a diet I wasn’t really on. I would start the next day. So I would literally not stop eating all day and by the end of the day I felt so sick, that sometimes I would go home and get sick. At weight watcher meeting last Saturday they discussed the coming holiday season and everyone talked about ‘bringing a healthy dish to pass’, but I know this doesn’t work for me. There will be one or two fruit or veggie trays but my tendency will be to overindulge in something or pick up something I shouldn’t. So I had to quit participating. Today I am going to take a long lunch and do an elliptical session at the gym.
So don't look here for the key to happiness. I know it isn't in a cookie though. I have size 8 pants on today so would not even consider joining in the fun.
I have to say this is isolating me. For some reason it seems like no one likes me right now. I have no friends at work. I have one good friend who has been superweird about my weight loss and now she seems to be avoiding me. I was at teacher training yesterday and some of the people there were not being that friendly. I wonder what it is about my personality. Maybe I come on too strong? Know it all? I don't know, but I do feel isolated from a lot lately. My fiance hardly ever talks so he isn't exactly helpful. The kids are gone this week and he won't do anything all weekend but watch football. We might go to a movie. I love him, but he is boring as hell and my yoga workshop got frigging cancelled.
Next weekend I am having a chili party though with a few of our friends, including the woman who is passive aggressive about my weight loss. The thing is. She weighs about 105 lbs and never has had a weight issue. She keeps telling me not to lose more and not to buy more clothes and a lot of other crap I don't appreciate. So I do not have a 3d support system at all. Including my family. My mom is the worse.
Sigh.
Changing this behavior is difficult because your impulse is to reach for x when y happens. Lately I have a lot of x things happening and am struggling to not engage in y behavior. Today is a difficult day for a lot of us battling with our food addictions. Work places everywhere are having their Halloween potlucks. Our copy room right now is full of cookies, brownies, chips, candy, and crocks full of cheesey gooey stuff.
The last few times I participated I literally ate myself silly. Work potlucks were an excuse to blow a diet I wasn’t really on. I would start the next day. So I would literally not stop eating all day and by the end of the day I felt so sick, that sometimes I would go home and get sick. At weight watcher meeting last Saturday they discussed the coming holiday season and everyone talked about ‘bringing a healthy dish to pass’, but I know this doesn’t work for me. There will be one or two fruit or veggie trays but my tendency will be to overindulge in something or pick up something I shouldn’t. So I had to quit participating. Today I am going to take a long lunch and do an elliptical session at the gym.
So don't look here for the key to happiness. I know it isn't in a cookie though. I have size 8 pants on today so would not even consider joining in the fun.
I have to say this is isolating me. For some reason it seems like no one likes me right now. I have no friends at work. I have one good friend who has been superweird about my weight loss and now she seems to be avoiding me. I was at teacher training yesterday and some of the people there were not being that friendly. I wonder what it is about my personality. Maybe I come on too strong? Know it all? I don't know, but I do feel isolated from a lot lately. My fiance hardly ever talks so he isn't exactly helpful. The kids are gone this week and he won't do anything all weekend but watch football. We might go to a movie. I love him, but he is boring as hell and my yoga workshop got frigging cancelled.
Next weekend I am having a chili party though with a few of our friends, including the woman who is passive aggressive about my weight loss. The thing is. She weighs about 105 lbs and never has had a weight issue. She keeps telling me not to lose more and not to buy more clothes and a lot of other crap I don't appreciate. So I do not have a 3d support system at all. Including my family. My mom is the worse.
Sigh.
Monday, October 30, 2006
BEING THIN DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY
If anyone thinks the key to happiness is being thin, they are out of their mind. I am no longer fat, but still have a lot of problems.
I feel super lonely and have no friends. I have financial problems and am desperately working to get out of them and that is whole other struggle. My mom is on my case even more now that I am thin. My daughter treats me like a total piece of crap. My fiance has no personality and didn't say two words to me all weekend unless it was to talk about his kid.
I feel super lonely and have no friends. I have financial problems and am desperately working to get out of them and that is whole other struggle. My mom is on my case even more now that I am thin. My daughter treats me like a total piece of crap. My fiance has no personality and didn't say two words to me all weekend unless it was to talk about his kid.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Yup Building Muscle and Burning Fat
Thanks for the comments on body fat. I think you are absolutely right. I actually did a body fat test about six weeks ago and was at 21.6%. I am going to have it measured again in December.
I am still doing the P90X program but have changed up the cardio. The cardio dvds that come with this set honestly don’t elevate my heart rate that much. I think they actually contribute to my muscle growth. In order to curtail that somewhat, I am incorporating elliptical for three hours a week. The next couple of weeks should reflect the effect that has on weight. I did a killer lower body workout Sunday and was really sore Monday and Tuesday. I did yoga Monday and elliptical yesterday and it made my legs look really cut. Today I am doing elliptical and upper body weights tonight. I have a lot of yoga planned for the weekend since I did not get there today and tomorrow due to car issues.
I do love my fiancé to death. I have dated every type of total asswipe out there and if we broke up, I would never date again. Honestly. I think the problem is two fold and has to do with me. I am used to just dealing with my daughter and now that she lives away at college, I just don’t feel like dealing with kids in my face all the time. He has no choice in the matter, so I tend to distance myself. I have never lived with this many men and just don’t feel like watching a lot of football to get in the family time. Plus their movie interests are waayyyy different from mine. On Friday nights for instance, they tend to sit around and watch Star Wars or hero/adventure movies, so I just cart my ass off to yoga to get away from it. So maybe I am being selfish. I don’t know. Fiance is totally supporting and loving and lets me do what I want. I guess I would like to be with more of a soul mate type of man that will go to yoga with me like other couples do but he is just not that into it. He likes to watch hours of football every weekend and I can’t do that.
I guess it is what it is, but I do love him to death and couldn’t live without him. Well, that is not true. If I were to live without him I would live without any man. I could do without men. No doubt about it.
I am still doing the P90X program but have changed up the cardio. The cardio dvds that come with this set honestly don’t elevate my heart rate that much. I think they actually contribute to my muscle growth. In order to curtail that somewhat, I am incorporating elliptical for three hours a week. The next couple of weeks should reflect the effect that has on weight. I did a killer lower body workout Sunday and was really sore Monday and Tuesday. I did yoga Monday and elliptical yesterday and it made my legs look really cut. Today I am doing elliptical and upper body weights tonight. I have a lot of yoga planned for the weekend since I did not get there today and tomorrow due to car issues.
I do love my fiancé to death. I have dated every type of total asswipe out there and if we broke up, I would never date again. Honestly. I think the problem is two fold and has to do with me. I am used to just dealing with my daughter and now that she lives away at college, I just don’t feel like dealing with kids in my face all the time. He has no choice in the matter, so I tend to distance myself. I have never lived with this many men and just don’t feel like watching a lot of football to get in the family time. Plus their movie interests are waayyyy different from mine. On Friday nights for instance, they tend to sit around and watch Star Wars or hero/adventure movies, so I just cart my ass off to yoga to get away from it. So maybe I am being selfish. I don’t know. Fiance is totally supporting and loving and lets me do what I want. I guess I would like to be with more of a soul mate type of man that will go to yoga with me like other couples do but he is just not that into it. He likes to watch hours of football every weekend and I can’t do that.
I guess it is what it is, but I do love him to death and couldn’t live without him. Well, that is not true. If I were to live without him I would live without any man. I could do without men. No doubt about it.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Can't Believe It Has Been So Long
Wow. I am still doing P90x. Not losing weight, but am losing inches. It seems like my weight should budge a little, but I seem stuck and it is driving me crazy.
I lost pretty consistently until I hit goal. I am now four pounds below but feel there is definitely extra fat to lose. I am working out super hard too.
Feel kind of out of it though. I don't have a real good support system and feel isolated even though I am the one isolating myself from family and fiance. We are just not on the same page as far as goals or mutual interests right now. He is focused on kids and I am focused on self-improvement. He seems happiest around the kids and I have disengaged myself. My kid isn't in my face every day so just don't feel like being around his either. I know that is selfish, but that is the way it is. Luckily he doesn't complain or seem to mind.
Last Saturday for instance he went to the youngest kids last cross country meet of the year. It was cold out and I hate being outside. I ran around, shopped, went to two yoga classes, and kind of felt bad. He always tries to come with me for something to do with my daughter but I just didn't make the effort. He goes to church alone on Sunday while I go to yoga. I feel very selfish but in order to reach my goals. I could ride around with him and sit on the couch entertaining kids but I would get fat if I did that.
Oh well. I am what I am.
I lost pretty consistently until I hit goal. I am now four pounds below but feel there is definitely extra fat to lose. I am working out super hard too.
Feel kind of out of it though. I don't have a real good support system and feel isolated even though I am the one isolating myself from family and fiance. We are just not on the same page as far as goals or mutual interests right now. He is focused on kids and I am focused on self-improvement. He seems happiest around the kids and I have disengaged myself. My kid isn't in my face every day so just don't feel like being around his either. I know that is selfish, but that is the way it is. Luckily he doesn't complain or seem to mind.
Last Saturday for instance he went to the youngest kids last cross country meet of the year. It was cold out and I hate being outside. I ran around, shopped, went to two yoga classes, and kind of felt bad. He always tries to come with me for something to do with my daughter but I just didn't make the effort. He goes to church alone on Sunday while I go to yoga. I feel very selfish but in order to reach my goals. I could ride around with him and sit on the couch entertaining kids but I would get fat if I did that.
Oh well. I am what I am.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Its Not About the Fat
How we define ourselves.
Defines how we live.
It states what we emphasize on the road to whatever our lives amount to.
If you define yourself as a mom first, then that is always your priority. If you define yourself as a wife first, then you will always put your mate before yourself. If you define yourself as a career person (attorney, secretary, firemen, etc) then your work defines you.
I also believe it can make us out of balance. For example, the best doctor in the world may be the worst husband and father. The best student in law school may have no friends and be uncomfortable in a social situation. The best mom in the world may treat herself very poorly.
Maybe these people are successful at the roles they use to define themselves. But are they happy?
Maybe.
Maybe being the best doctor or mom fulfills you and this is what you believe your destiny in life is. You have the dream job and it is everything you expected.
Or, maybe not.
Then you are unbalanced.
I believe we live in a society where most of us are unbalanced due to the complexity of our society and the expectations we have of ourselves.
We have to do it all and be it all.
Being the best doctor in the world may make it impossible to be the best father. This may create guilt or unhappiness at missing out on something.
We can’t do it all.
As a woman in this society I have not only experienced this but see it every day. I am sure men believe it is true, but I think most women lead lives that are unbalanced because they are trying to be the best at their career, while being the best homemaker, mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister. Which really is impossible. Trying to do all of this will make you unhappy. It will make you feel out of balance. How can you look out for yourself with all of this going on.
For me, who raised a child by myself as a single mom, my imbalance showed itself in the form of fat. The fat represented that my life was out of balance. I didn’t have enough time to do it all. I knew I was shortchanging something or someone, usually myself, all the time.
But what was the choice once the choice was made? Get rid of the child? Refuse to work? No, of course not, the choice became not to choose myself.
Imbalance. A lot of it is reflected back to us in the form of our health. The bad health in our society is a result of imbalance. Lack of knowledge. Lack of time to obtain the correct knowledge. Being fed the wrong information.
Right now I am working like hell to get that balance back. I worked at weight loss, was successful. So I want more. I am happier because I put myself first finally but what it next?
I know my job is a problem. I know, for a fact, that staying in my current career will continue to make me unhappy. And unbalanced. Because I work in an atmosphere of sickness and hostility. The people I work with are sick.
There are problems with my home situation. Time will tell if I can stay in this situation. Or not.
Defines how we live.
It states what we emphasize on the road to whatever our lives amount to.
If you define yourself as a mom first, then that is always your priority. If you define yourself as a wife first, then you will always put your mate before yourself. If you define yourself as a career person (attorney, secretary, firemen, etc) then your work defines you.
I also believe it can make us out of balance. For example, the best doctor in the world may be the worst husband and father. The best student in law school may have no friends and be uncomfortable in a social situation. The best mom in the world may treat herself very poorly.
Maybe these people are successful at the roles they use to define themselves. But are they happy?
Maybe.
Maybe being the best doctor or mom fulfills you and this is what you believe your destiny in life is. You have the dream job and it is everything you expected.
Or, maybe not.
Then you are unbalanced.
I believe we live in a society where most of us are unbalanced due to the complexity of our society and the expectations we have of ourselves.
We have to do it all and be it all.
Being the best doctor in the world may make it impossible to be the best father. This may create guilt or unhappiness at missing out on something.
We can’t do it all.
As a woman in this society I have not only experienced this but see it every day. I am sure men believe it is true, but I think most women lead lives that are unbalanced because they are trying to be the best at their career, while being the best homemaker, mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister. Which really is impossible. Trying to do all of this will make you unhappy. It will make you feel out of balance. How can you look out for yourself with all of this going on.
For me, who raised a child by myself as a single mom, my imbalance showed itself in the form of fat. The fat represented that my life was out of balance. I didn’t have enough time to do it all. I knew I was shortchanging something or someone, usually myself, all the time.
But what was the choice once the choice was made? Get rid of the child? Refuse to work? No, of course not, the choice became not to choose myself.
Imbalance. A lot of it is reflected back to us in the form of our health. The bad health in our society is a result of imbalance. Lack of knowledge. Lack of time to obtain the correct knowledge. Being fed the wrong information.
Right now I am working like hell to get that balance back. I worked at weight loss, was successful. So I want more. I am happier because I put myself first finally but what it next?
I know my job is a problem. I know, for a fact, that staying in my current career will continue to make me unhappy. And unbalanced. Because I work in an atmosphere of sickness and hostility. The people I work with are sick.
There are problems with my home situation. Time will tell if I can stay in this situation. Or not.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Week 2 of P90X
Week 2. Uh. I actually didn’t plan a body for life free day but sort of had one on Saturday. We went to a race track to watch our friend race his car. I had planned on having a burger and fries all week and did that, but had about 6 bottles of beer too. Wow. Felt like crap yesterday but went right back to clean eating. Hope this doesn’t mess with my weigh in on this Saturday. I didn’t really have a hangover yesterday because the drinking was in the afternoon, but had a stomach ache in the morning during yoga. Stomach aches are no fun in Bikram yoga class where you just regret any indiscretion. The other problem is that I only had 56 ounces of water on Saturday and had done yoga in the morning. I hydrated a lot yesterday. That is way low for me. I need a hundred ounces plus and that is not even counting the 32 ounces I drink during yoga. In order to do five Bikram classes a week and my new P90X workouts, I need that water. I haven’t had enough today either so need to hit the water soon. Only one workout today and off from yoga.
It is so nice to go out and go to things now without getting ready and feeling like I look fat. I hate that. That has been my whole life. I wouldn’t trade that feeling for any in the world, except maybe a fiancé who did not have kids.
The kids are on my nerves big time. Mostly the oldest because although he is back in school, he is still unemployed and spent the weekend glued to the tv. I really am biting my tongue, but it pisses me off because df is so quick to jump on my daughter for every thing she does wrong, and if I say anything about his kids he gets defensive and it is an automatic fight. He spent the whole summer making comments on how I cook all the time for my daughter and he does the same thing for the big 20 year old baby who can’t put a glass in the dishwasher.
I am just not kid friendly with anyone’s kids these days. My daughter does stress me out and I have felt much better since she went back to college and is independent and not needy and in my face every day.
Anyway I need to curtail the free days and not get out of hand with it or will get no results from this program.
I am getting a lot of "you look too thin" and "don't get anorexic" comments. Which is ridiculous.
It is so nice to go out and go to things now without getting ready and feeling like I look fat. I hate that. That has been my whole life. I wouldn’t trade that feeling for any in the world, except maybe a fiancé who did not have kids.
The kids are on my nerves big time. Mostly the oldest because although he is back in school, he is still unemployed and spent the weekend glued to the tv. I really am biting my tongue, but it pisses me off because df is so quick to jump on my daughter for every thing she does wrong, and if I say anything about his kids he gets defensive and it is an automatic fight. He spent the whole summer making comments on how I cook all the time for my daughter and he does the same thing for the big 20 year old baby who can’t put a glass in the dishwasher.
I am just not kid friendly with anyone’s kids these days. My daughter does stress me out and I have felt much better since she went back to college and is independent and not needy and in my face every day.
Anyway I need to curtail the free days and not get out of hand with it or will get no results from this program.
I am getting a lot of "you look too thin" and "don't get anorexic" comments. Which is ridiculous.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Day 3 Blah Blah
Well I am on day 3 of P90X. I hate to do too much journaling because when you are on this type of challenge your posts usually state things like on plan food, hard workout, body hurts, or fell off the wagon. The hardest part for me is the crystal clean food plan. I went through day one with no diet coke, then fell off that wagon yesterday and now trying to get back on that today. Otherwise my diet has been perfect.
I am drinking tons of water and got up the past two mornings for grueling five am workouts. At any rate I am doing better than last time where I got through the whole 90 days of the workouts but never got through two hours without resorting to coke and cookies. This phase is low carb and so far am doing well with that. Today I am adding in a Bikram yoga session after my weight and ab workout this morning. According to my weight watcher tracker that is 9 activity points, which is a lot. So I brought some emergency whole wheat pita and a laughing cow wedge JIK I am bonking by four this afternoon.
On a lighter note, I am excited about tonights finale of Rockstar Supernova. My favorite is Lukas from the start and Dilana. I think the final choice will be between Dilana and Toby. Toby is appealing as a chick magnet and showman, but doesn’t have the range of Dilana and Lukas. I would hope someone signs both of them. I find both riveting and way past last year’s talent, but think they will go for the more mainstream choice in Toby and play it safe, like INXS did last year.
See I do have a life and interests past exercise and diet.
I am drinking tons of water and got up the past two mornings for grueling five am workouts. At any rate I am doing better than last time where I got through the whole 90 days of the workouts but never got through two hours without resorting to coke and cookies. This phase is low carb and so far am doing well with that. Today I am adding in a Bikram yoga session after my weight and ab workout this morning. According to my weight watcher tracker that is 9 activity points, which is a lot. So I brought some emergency whole wheat pita and a laughing cow wedge JIK I am bonking by four this afternoon.
On a lighter note, I am excited about tonights finale of Rockstar Supernova. My favorite is Lukas from the start and Dilana. I think the final choice will be between Dilana and Toby. Toby is appealing as a chick magnet and showman, but doesn’t have the range of Dilana and Lukas. I would hope someone signs both of them. I find both riveting and way past last year’s talent, but think they will go for the more mainstream choice in Toby and play it safe, like INXS did last year.
See I do have a life and interests past exercise and diet.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Day One P90X
P90X is the ultimate in home fitness. I bought the system from Beachbody.com. It is similar to a body for life plan. You go on the nutrition plan for 90 days, measure before and after results, and hopefully you are in better shape.Yesterday I took the fitness test and had my before pics taken in my bikini. Yucko. I thought I looked better than that.
Today I started the nutrition component and am doing my first workout at home after work. The first phase of the nutrition plan is for 28 days and is basically 28 days. The intention is to burn fat. I am also doing the lean version of the fitness plan, which is more cardio than weights since I am hoping to lose weight.I am kind of stoked. The last time I did this, I was much fatter and did not follow the diet at all. I was disappointed in my results. Well, duh. Now I know better.
The exercise plan comes with 12 different dvds that you rotate. The concept for this rotation is muscle confusion. You follow a rotation and it changes every few weeks. I am hoping for great results I can brag about and will post the pics up. Think I will post some 30 day ones. Am sure there won't be any huge difference but the rest of you can tell me there is anyways to make me feel better.
Have a good lunch packed and am hungry.
Today I started the nutrition component and am doing my first workout at home after work. The first phase of the nutrition plan is for 28 days and is basically 28 days. The intention is to burn fat. I am also doing the lean version of the fitness plan, which is more cardio than weights since I am hoping to lose weight.I am kind of stoked. The last time I did this, I was much fatter and did not follow the diet at all. I was disappointed in my results. Well, duh. Now I know better.
The exercise plan comes with 12 different dvds that you rotate. The concept for this rotation is muscle confusion. You follow a rotation and it changes every few weeks. I am hoping for great results I can brag about and will post the pics up. Think I will post some 30 day ones. Am sure there won't be any huge difference but the rest of you can tell me there is anyways to make me feel better.
Have a good lunch packed and am hungry.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Commenting on Comments
"I got to the point that I expected the scales to show that same big number all the time. Now after losing pounds over the summer I still expect that and often can not believe what I see on the scales."
Anonymous posted this after my last post. Right now I am struggling with this same thing, because as a yo yo dieter I am extra vigilant now about red flags that could mean potential weight gain and I think this is a big one. Why?
Because it shows mentally we have not caught up with ourselves. No matter what the number on the scale is saying, or the jean size, or the compliments from others, or what we are seeing in the mirror, the mind has not caught up with the body so we are still discontent with ourselves. This is the same discontent we feel when we are grossly overweight. It is the reason we started losing but it is also the reason we might tend to gain back. The reason for this is that we start letting our brain take over to the degree where we might start getting back to old habits because let's face it. Is it ever good enough? What is the point of endless dieting if we can't be whatever goal we have in mind, even if it isn't realistic?
And I am beginning to realize I will always feel this way. I have had two people call me skinny this week and I recoiled at that word applied to me. Because I have NEVER been referred to as skinny. I have spent a whole life training myself to accept I can not be THAT WORD. I have spent 50 years staring down women with thin legs, firm abs, and nice arms thinking that is all I can do, is be jealous of that. On the outside looking in.
And that is dangerous for me right now because that kind of hopeless might as well give up thinking as put me on the gaining end of yo yoing my whole life. What can I do different?
Start relishing the number on the scale. I ordered a bunch of new clothes in the mail in sizes I never believed I would wear this week and every one of them fit. My new expensive designer jeans I bought a month ago are now getting loose. I put them on this morning after washing and drying them. In a couple of months, they will be too big.
I need to accept this and relish it.
On Monday I am starting a new journey. The P90X program and I will be documenting a lot of it here. So stay tuned to the next phase.
Anonymous posted this after my last post. Right now I am struggling with this same thing, because as a yo yo dieter I am extra vigilant now about red flags that could mean potential weight gain and I think this is a big one. Why?
Because it shows mentally we have not caught up with ourselves. No matter what the number on the scale is saying, or the jean size, or the compliments from others, or what we are seeing in the mirror, the mind has not caught up with the body so we are still discontent with ourselves. This is the same discontent we feel when we are grossly overweight. It is the reason we started losing but it is also the reason we might tend to gain back. The reason for this is that we start letting our brain take over to the degree where we might start getting back to old habits because let's face it. Is it ever good enough? What is the point of endless dieting if we can't be whatever goal we have in mind, even if it isn't realistic?
And I am beginning to realize I will always feel this way. I have had two people call me skinny this week and I recoiled at that word applied to me. Because I have NEVER been referred to as skinny. I have spent a whole life training myself to accept I can not be THAT WORD. I have spent 50 years staring down women with thin legs, firm abs, and nice arms thinking that is all I can do, is be jealous of that. On the outside looking in.
And that is dangerous for me right now because that kind of hopeless might as well give up thinking as put me on the gaining end of yo yoing my whole life. What can I do different?
Start relishing the number on the scale. I ordered a bunch of new clothes in the mail in sizes I never believed I would wear this week and every one of them fit. My new expensive designer jeans I bought a month ago are now getting loose. I put them on this morning after washing and drying them. In a couple of months, they will be too big.
I need to accept this and relish it.
On Monday I am starting a new journey. The P90X program and I will be documenting a lot of it here. So stay tuned to the next phase.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
STARTING OVER AT ALMOST 50
I survived the summer. My daughter is happy back at college, sans car, which now, I realize made so much sense. I really stuck to my guns on this. She is not used to hearing the word ‘no’ I have to admit. She was wearing me down and brainwashing me to the point where I was wondering, yeah it makes sense to cosign a 13,000 auto for a sophomore in college. Luckily I snapped out of that and she is in her dorm and happy as a clam to be with her friends again.
This was a pivotal summer for me. I got to my weight goal and have lost more weight since then. I achieved Weight Watcher lifetime status last week. I also am now an apprentice at my yoga studio to be a yoga teacher. My daughter is probably gone for good. Life has certainly changed. And all of this was possible thanks to – ME.
I don’t ever want to go back. I have no problem with people who are happy with themselves at whatever weight or shape they are in, but I am not one of those. I was never happy when I was fat and nothing made me truly happy when I was fat. I was not living to my full potential and I was using the fat as an excuse to hold myself back. I did this for years. I had even almost accepted I would be fat forever, but there was also this part of me that didn’t really feel like a fat person. Part of that was denial, but another part was a resistance to being like ‘them’. One of the fat outcast people.
Now I am not that. One word you can no longer use to describe me is fat. I am not a fat single mom. Now there is an ugly label. I had it for years. At my family reunion I noticed hey everyone is getting fatter! The whole country is getting fatter. I work with a lot of huge heavy women. Who get heavier every year. Lately it seems as though everyone I run into that I haven’t seen for a along time has gotten heavier.
But I won’t be doing that. I am on to the next part of my life and I am not going back.
This was a pivotal summer for me. I got to my weight goal and have lost more weight since then. I achieved Weight Watcher lifetime status last week. I also am now an apprentice at my yoga studio to be a yoga teacher. My daughter is probably gone for good. Life has certainly changed. And all of this was possible thanks to – ME.
I don’t ever want to go back. I have no problem with people who are happy with themselves at whatever weight or shape they are in, but I am not one of those. I was never happy when I was fat and nothing made me truly happy when I was fat. I was not living to my full potential and I was using the fat as an excuse to hold myself back. I did this for years. I had even almost accepted I would be fat forever, but there was also this part of me that didn’t really feel like a fat person. Part of that was denial, but another part was a resistance to being like ‘them’. One of the fat outcast people.
Now I am not that. One word you can no longer use to describe me is fat. I am not a fat single mom. Now there is an ugly label. I had it for years. At my family reunion I noticed hey everyone is getting fatter! The whole country is getting fatter. I work with a lot of huge heavy women. Who get heavier every year. Lately it seems as though everyone I run into that I haven’t seen for a along time has gotten heavier.
But I won’t be doing that. I am on to the next part of my life and I am not going back.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
BACK TO HELL
The family weekend was not as bad as I thought. It usually isn't. Only two snide comments, one from my mom and the other from my sister, but I can handle them. Two strange things though.
Although I got complimented up and down for my weight loss, no one wanted the magic beans. No one asked how I did it. I thought that odd. Usually people want to follow you around. I did eat no sweets or yucky snacks they had. I was pretty much starving all weekend because the only healthy choices were what I brought.
The other surprising thing was that everyone had gained weight. I would say 80% of the people in my family are overweight. Even nieces who had been thin all their lives are now quite chubby. Is this a reflection of our country? I knew the statistics showed that Americans are heavier and getting heavier every year, but can 80% of the people be overweight or is my family just special. It actually saddened me since I saw people the whole weekend stuffing themselves with sweets and alcohol. I have a grandniece who is 9 and she will be a fat adolescent. Both of her parents are heavy. Hey my own daughter is heavy so who am I to talk.
Tomorrow I finally get to take her to college. I won't miss her. She has been on my case about cosigning a car for weeks. I think she gets it now. It ain't gonna happen. She needs to get a lot of stuff in line for that to happen. My fiance is down in the dumps and that is getting on my last nerve too.
So the solution is, spending time to myself. This weekend I am cutting out on him and his kid. I am tired of everyone at this point and just don't need everyone's drama.
Here is some good news. I am apprenticing at my yoga studio to be a yoga teacher. This I am excited about. I have been hoping for an opportunity like this for ages and here is it. I will be a yoga teacher! I am going to be mean too. No easey quiet classes from me. In my class, people are going to work it!
Although I got complimented up and down for my weight loss, no one wanted the magic beans. No one asked how I did it. I thought that odd. Usually people want to follow you around. I did eat no sweets or yucky snacks they had. I was pretty much starving all weekend because the only healthy choices were what I brought.
The other surprising thing was that everyone had gained weight. I would say 80% of the people in my family are overweight. Even nieces who had been thin all their lives are now quite chubby. Is this a reflection of our country? I knew the statistics showed that Americans are heavier and getting heavier every year, but can 80% of the people be overweight or is my family just special. It actually saddened me since I saw people the whole weekend stuffing themselves with sweets and alcohol. I have a grandniece who is 9 and she will be a fat adolescent. Both of her parents are heavy. Hey my own daughter is heavy so who am I to talk.
Tomorrow I finally get to take her to college. I won't miss her. She has been on my case about cosigning a car for weeks. I think she gets it now. It ain't gonna happen. She needs to get a lot of stuff in line for that to happen. My fiance is down in the dumps and that is getting on my last nerve too.
So the solution is, spending time to myself. This weekend I am cutting out on him and his kid. I am tired of everyone at this point and just don't need everyone's drama.
Here is some good news. I am apprenticing at my yoga studio to be a yoga teacher. This I am excited about. I have been hoping for an opportunity like this for ages and here is it. I will be a yoga teacher! I am going to be mean too. No easey quiet classes from me. In my class, people are going to work it!
Thursday, August 17, 2006
A NEW COUNT DOWN
My weight loss and maintenance endeavors and focus have taken a back seat to my daughter's relentless pursuit of having me cosign a car for her. This is almost a 24/7 argument. I am waiting for the phone to start ringing this morning when she gets up. It continued until late last night with her crying about it. She fluctuates between rage and veiled threats down to begging and groveling. I don't know what it will take to convince her I am absolutely not doing this and what a horrible idea it is. She is stubborn and won't give up.
I am going out of town to a huge family reunion that she is refusing to go to. I told her a year ago when this was being planned that if she didn't go, she should not expect a heck of a lot from me. I was going to buy her some back to school clothes but that isn't helping either. She is sort of holding this cosign thing over my head, like if I go ahead and sign it, she will go, but that isn't working either.
I have worked out this week and eaten right. Don't get me wrong. All this stress is not driving me to eat and exercise. It is emotionally draining and depressing that I have this spoiled daughter who has no gratitude for anything I do for her. Whatever I do never seems to be enough. I have explained to her that her immaturity in dealing with these issues just further reflect that she is not ready for this responsibility and she would have to work 40 hours a week at school to pay for the car. But she refuses to see that and just insists I just don't want her to have a car and be happy.
Yup. That is what the past 19 years were about. I have only wanted her to be unhappy and miserable. Geez.
Will this kid ever mature past the leve of a nine year old? I think it is going to be along time before I figure that one out.
I am going out of town to a huge family reunion that she is refusing to go to. I told her a year ago when this was being planned that if she didn't go, she should not expect a heck of a lot from me. I was going to buy her some back to school clothes but that isn't helping either. She is sort of holding this cosign thing over my head, like if I go ahead and sign it, she will go, but that isn't working either.
I have worked out this week and eaten right. Don't get me wrong. All this stress is not driving me to eat and exercise. It is emotionally draining and depressing that I have this spoiled daughter who has no gratitude for anything I do for her. Whatever I do never seems to be enough. I have explained to her that her immaturity in dealing with these issues just further reflect that she is not ready for this responsibility and she would have to work 40 hours a week at school to pay for the car. But she refuses to see that and just insists I just don't want her to have a car and be happy.
Yup. That is what the past 19 years were about. I have only wanted her to be unhappy and miserable. Geez.
Will this kid ever mature past the leve of a nine year old? I think it is going to be along time before I figure that one out.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Nine More Days
Until my lovely daughter is back in college and I don't have her in my face any more.
I am really challenged with food right now but actually am not eating enough. Last night I was too stressed to eat dinner and nothing sounds like what I want to eat except the tomatos in my garden. I have been eating those and cucumbers. So delicious.
After the family reunion this weekend I have a lot going on next week. We are moving to a new building so things at work are in flux right now. I actually am working home one day during this. I love to this. I could stand my job if I could work at home a day or two a week.
Next Friday we dump her off in her dorm and then my life will be a little more normal and I can retreat into Joan's world. As predicted the "boys" came back so I woke up this morning to dirty dishes, crumbs on the floor, and filthy counters. Couldn't complain to df though. He is supportive with my daughter crap, but daughter will be out of the house and the boys will be there all the time.
So, like I said, I will just have to cope by doing a lot by myself and staying away from them. The youngest started cross country high school team this week and was already dead after the first day practice. His eating habits are horrendous. He basically eats nothing. He is getting taller and weighs nothing. He always has this malnourished look about him and df had to get him up early for practice today and I did not notice him preparing anything for him to eat. There is no water ready. Sigh. Well, I have my own problems but make the kid some eggs. There wasn't even any cereal for him but he will only eat sugary cereals with additional sugar on it. I have a feeling he won't last this season. The workout schedule looks brutal. At least I can pat myself on the back for taking care of my kid and making sure she has what she needs. Sigh. Got my own problems and can't worry about his stupid kids.
Ate my lunch already. Not a good sign. I will get to the gym today. Yesterday my nerves were wrangled between work commotion and my daughter so just went home and went on a long wonderful walk for my exercise. Felt wonderful and the weather was perfect. Think I will work out some anger on weights tonight too.
I am really challenged with food right now but actually am not eating enough. Last night I was too stressed to eat dinner and nothing sounds like what I want to eat except the tomatos in my garden. I have been eating those and cucumbers. So delicious.
After the family reunion this weekend I have a lot going on next week. We are moving to a new building so things at work are in flux right now. I actually am working home one day during this. I love to this. I could stand my job if I could work at home a day or two a week.
Next Friday we dump her off in her dorm and then my life will be a little more normal and I can retreat into Joan's world. As predicted the "boys" came back so I woke up this morning to dirty dishes, crumbs on the floor, and filthy counters. Couldn't complain to df though. He is supportive with my daughter crap, but daughter will be out of the house and the boys will be there all the time.
So, like I said, I will just have to cope by doing a lot by myself and staying away from them. The youngest started cross country high school team this week and was already dead after the first day practice. His eating habits are horrendous. He basically eats nothing. He is getting taller and weighs nothing. He always has this malnourished look about him and df had to get him up early for practice today and I did not notice him preparing anything for him to eat. There is no water ready. Sigh. Well, I have my own problems but make the kid some eggs. There wasn't even any cereal for him but he will only eat sugary cereals with additional sugar on it. I have a feeling he won't last this season. The workout schedule looks brutal. At least I can pat myself on the back for taking care of my kid and making sure she has what she needs. Sigh. Got my own problems and can't worry about his stupid kids.
Ate my lunch already. Not a good sign. I will get to the gym today. Yesterday my nerves were wrangled between work commotion and my daughter so just went home and went on a long wonderful walk for my exercise. Felt wonderful and the weather was perfect. Think I will work out some anger on weights tonight too.
Monday, August 14, 2006
SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL
Well the situation with dd is worse than I thought. Had another scream out with her. She thinks I am being mean by refusing to cosign a car with a higher payment than my own and with about a 500$ per month insurance payment with mine, since it tripled due to her three speeding tickets last year. Of course she doesn't account for nor have money saved for the inevitable maintenance and repair bills. Don't even get me going on the price of gas. All I can see is how could she even think she can handle all of this with school full time.
I am so mad I could spit. But I will NOT eat my way through this. I WILL exercise today. Because inevitably, this will pass and I am willing to live through this somehow even though she will hate me and not talk to me the rest of my life and never let me see my grandchildren. Those are her usual threats.
I mean it isn't hopeless right? Some day this kid has to grow up and be responsible and reasonable and logical right? It might be a few years but I do now me gaining weight will NOT solve anything.
I am so mad I could spit. But I will NOT eat my way through this. I WILL exercise today. Because inevitably, this will pass and I am willing to live through this somehow even though she will hate me and not talk to me the rest of my life and never let me see my grandchildren. Those are her usual threats.
I mean it isn't hopeless right? Some day this kid has to grow up and be responsible and reasonable and logical right? It might be a few years but I do now me gaining weight will NOT solve anything.
FAMILY REUNION
It is approaching and I am trying to anticipate what it will be like with my weight loss and then my lovely daughter throws a new wrench into the situation. Like, she isn't going. Well, she is practically not going. She is using the work excuse but I think there is more to that and I think part of the reason she doesn't want to go is that she is heavier, way heavier than she used to be and the reason I think that is that....
I used to do the same thing. In my family it is kind of damned if you do damned if you don't. Some of them will persecute me for showing up thin, but showing up heavier is a disaster and someone will bring it up to me that she is heavier and that person would be.......
My mom. Who last summer pointed out to be that I had a roll around my waist and two months ago screamed at me to not lose any more weight. She is also upset about my lovely daughter not showing up, because she is her favorite grandchild.
Also my daughter, who has been nothing but a huge financial drain on me and caused me a lot of financial problems, me a poor single mom and now she wants me to cosign a loan for her to get a car. Which basically means to me that I will end up, at some point, having to pay money for it, which I am not willing to do due to the fact that her college right now is costing me so much. Her rationale is that she will pay for it all by working 25-30 hours a week, which I doubt will cover her expenses. She is also a shoe addict and a nail salon addict and I have not seen her lessening these activities over the summer.
She is causing me so much emotional strife now I can hardly bear her, plus the family thing coming up. I am kind of at my wit's end. Plus fiance's boys are back today which means, no doubt about this, that I will be coming home to a messy house tonight.
I have two alternatives. One is to eat my brains out and the other is to run away from home, from all of them. I love my fiance to death. I know the situation will be better for me next week when daughter is back at college because she won't be in my face about something all the time. The weird family reunion will be over, but I still have to put up with his kids and somehow that just seems unfair right now. I know I am not really justified in feeling that way because obviously he can't get rid of his kids to please me but last winter was difficult. I could hardly stand to be home because to be honest, after a day of work and stress from that bs, I hardly want to go home and hang with the boys. So I spent a lot of winter on my home.
What I need are new coping mechanisms because eating my brains out is no longer an option like it used to be. It seems like all I have right now to feel good about is my weight loss and the new goals I have associated with getting the perfect body I want and to be a personal trainer and yoga instructor. I hate my career. My kid drives me nuts. My friends are always whining. I love fiance, but his kids distract him from me a lot.
So new coping mechanisms are it. What other choice do I have. I feel the best thing I can do is to continue on working on the things that will make my life better. For the first time in my life I have a weight loss that I feel I can maintain. That is huge, after 50 years of being fat and yo yo dieting. I can lose more. I can be more than this.
I have choices.
I used to do the same thing. In my family it is kind of damned if you do damned if you don't. Some of them will persecute me for showing up thin, but showing up heavier is a disaster and someone will bring it up to me that she is heavier and that person would be.......
My mom. Who last summer pointed out to be that I had a roll around my waist and two months ago screamed at me to not lose any more weight. She is also upset about my lovely daughter not showing up, because she is her favorite grandchild.
Also my daughter, who has been nothing but a huge financial drain on me and caused me a lot of financial problems, me a poor single mom and now she wants me to cosign a loan for her to get a car. Which basically means to me that I will end up, at some point, having to pay money for it, which I am not willing to do due to the fact that her college right now is costing me so much. Her rationale is that she will pay for it all by working 25-30 hours a week, which I doubt will cover her expenses. She is also a shoe addict and a nail salon addict and I have not seen her lessening these activities over the summer.
She is causing me so much emotional strife now I can hardly bear her, plus the family thing coming up. I am kind of at my wit's end. Plus fiance's boys are back today which means, no doubt about this, that I will be coming home to a messy house tonight.
I have two alternatives. One is to eat my brains out and the other is to run away from home, from all of them. I love my fiance to death. I know the situation will be better for me next week when daughter is back at college because she won't be in my face about something all the time. The weird family reunion will be over, but I still have to put up with his kids and somehow that just seems unfair right now. I know I am not really justified in feeling that way because obviously he can't get rid of his kids to please me but last winter was difficult. I could hardly stand to be home because to be honest, after a day of work and stress from that bs, I hardly want to go home and hang with the boys. So I spent a lot of winter on my home.
What I need are new coping mechanisms because eating my brains out is no longer an option like it used to be. It seems like all I have right now to feel good about is my weight loss and the new goals I have associated with getting the perfect body I want and to be a personal trainer and yoga instructor. I hate my career. My kid drives me nuts. My friends are always whining. I love fiance, but his kids distract him from me a lot.
So new coping mechanisms are it. What other choice do I have. I feel the best thing I can do is to continue on working on the things that will make my life better. For the first time in my life I have a weight loss that I feel I can maintain. That is huge, after 50 years of being fat and yo yo dieting. I can lose more. I can be more than this.
I have choices.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
More Pics Coming
I just posted that because I joined photoshop and wanted to experiment with the only photo I had. I will put up a before and after soon. I found the before and have to get it scanned and upload it. It is pretty bad. Will be a good laugh.
My weight watcher scale showed me up .6 last week but I know I didn't gain. I am looking at my statistics but at least once in every decade, I have a gain that is unsubstantiated. From looking at these stats I also see it is usually followed by a big loss the week after either because the loss is unsubstantiated as I believe, or that I just work harder since I hate gains. I have a weight I am shooting for for next week which is my family reunion.
My family is a bunch of major alcohol and food addicts. The only thin people have married in. I am not looking forward to this reunion since my mom is already driving me crazy. She said something so mean to me on Sunday it almost sent me reeling into food and lazy land. I almost talked myself out of my workout yesterday and am starting the same thing up today.
See the problem is that I broke the family contract of being out of control as a foodie and a drinker. That usually means everyone will be uncomfortable and when people get uncomfortable, they attack. Because they are scared of what they are seeing.
Yup, there is me, proof that it is not genetic. Proof that it can be done. Proof that everyone in the family is not like THAT. Plus I won't make it easy for them because I will not give in. Nope I won't do it. I won't cave.
My weight watcher scale showed me up .6 last week but I know I didn't gain. I am looking at my statistics but at least once in every decade, I have a gain that is unsubstantiated. From looking at these stats I also see it is usually followed by a big loss the week after either because the loss is unsubstantiated as I believe, or that I just work harder since I hate gains. I have a weight I am shooting for for next week which is my family reunion.
My family is a bunch of major alcohol and food addicts. The only thin people have married in. I am not looking forward to this reunion since my mom is already driving me crazy. She said something so mean to me on Sunday it almost sent me reeling into food and lazy land. I almost talked myself out of my workout yesterday and am starting the same thing up today.
See the problem is that I broke the family contract of being out of control as a foodie and a drinker. That usually means everyone will be uncomfortable and when people get uncomfortable, they attack. Because they are scared of what they are seeing.
Yup, there is me, proof that it is not genetic. Proof that it can be done. Proof that everyone in the family is not like THAT. Plus I won't make it easy for them because I will not give in. Nope I won't do it. I won't cave.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
SO YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD GET EASIER
But nope, that doesn't happen. The goal weight is really not some magical number on the scale that sets your life right. Actually you kind of look at yourself and think, this is not where I want to be. I am two pounds under that goal now and there is room for improvement. So I am working even harder.
Also the week after I reached goal some major stresses appeared wrapped in something that looked like my daughter and her financial aid issues with school. I am really stressed to the max and on top of it have decided to quit drinking diet soda. This is a minute by minute struggle where I keep trying to convince myself to have one and then talk myself out of. I had been spending way too much money on it and yesterday I read a post about a woman who quit and said that subsequently her diet coke bulge went away. Now I am sitting here thinking this is odd. Is THAT what that is still around my waist? A diet coke bulge. For the past few days for some reason, there seems to be a lot of loose fat around my waist. Hmmm. Must be that diet coke bulge.
Some of days are including double workouts now. Cardio and bikrams or cardio and weights. Today I am somewhat tired so will just do cardio after work. I was thinking about weights, but I am really tired and the stress from my daughter and the other kids in my home is getting to me. It seems there is always a kid there and there isn't supposed to be. My fiance's oldest son is almost 20 and quit his job in May and hasn't looked very hard for another. He is with us half time so I just put up with two weeks of coming home to him camped in front of the tv. Today I kind of let fiance have it, since he is so willing to condemn my daughter for all of her transgressions. He claimed he told the kid to get a job but I doubt he did it forcefully or as forcefully as I would have. I would have been all over his lazy ass in June. All this kid does is watch tv and I am sick of him. I hope he gets an apartment and moves out. Mine will be gone in a few weeks and she needs to be on her own too.
So just stressed and not being fat any more does not alleviate the stress, but makes it more manageable since I don't have to manage self-loathing for being fat on top of it.
Also the week after I reached goal some major stresses appeared wrapped in something that looked like my daughter and her financial aid issues with school. I am really stressed to the max and on top of it have decided to quit drinking diet soda. This is a minute by minute struggle where I keep trying to convince myself to have one and then talk myself out of. I had been spending way too much money on it and yesterday I read a post about a woman who quit and said that subsequently her diet coke bulge went away. Now I am sitting here thinking this is odd. Is THAT what that is still around my waist? A diet coke bulge. For the past few days for some reason, there seems to be a lot of loose fat around my waist. Hmmm. Must be that diet coke bulge.
Some of days are including double workouts now. Cardio and bikrams or cardio and weights. Today I am somewhat tired so will just do cardio after work. I was thinking about weights, but I am really tired and the stress from my daughter and the other kids in my home is getting to me. It seems there is always a kid there and there isn't supposed to be. My fiance's oldest son is almost 20 and quit his job in May and hasn't looked very hard for another. He is with us half time so I just put up with two weeks of coming home to him camped in front of the tv. Today I kind of let fiance have it, since he is so willing to condemn my daughter for all of her transgressions. He claimed he told the kid to get a job but I doubt he did it forcefully or as forcefully as I would have. I would have been all over his lazy ass in June. All this kid does is watch tv and I am sick of him. I hope he gets an apartment and moves out. Mine will be gone in a few weeks and she needs to be on her own too.
So just stressed and not being fat any more does not alleviate the stress, but makes it more manageable since I don't have to manage self-loathing for being fat on top of it.
Monday, July 24, 2006
GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I did it. I made goal last week with a 1.4 pound loss. No fanfare or parades involved, just a new phase in my journey for the perfect body.
My new goals in life and this journal are non weight loss intended. I do think I will lose more weight, but I am upping the calories, cleaning out my food even more, and increasing the intensity of my workouts. I am more motivated now than ever since I now know I can achieve my goals with hard work. I used to think being in a normal weight range was just not in the cards for me. I accepted my life as a fat person even when I was making my half hearted attempts to lose weight.
The biggest part of this is mental. You have to convince yourself of what you are capable of. Because you will and people around you will find every excuse in the world why it can’t be done. I am sure my mother will be sending this message to me loud and clear at the family reunion. Don’t go any further! Don’t try to be any better than you are right now. Hold yourself back like I always did.
Mediocrity is no longer good enough for me.
I want to change other things about my life besides my weight. I want a new career. What will that be? I am not sure yet. But I am formulating it.
My new goals in life and this journal are non weight loss intended. I do think I will lose more weight, but I am upping the calories, cleaning out my food even more, and increasing the intensity of my workouts. I am more motivated now than ever since I now know I can achieve my goals with hard work. I used to think being in a normal weight range was just not in the cards for me. I accepted my life as a fat person even when I was making my half hearted attempts to lose weight.
The biggest part of this is mental. You have to convince yourself of what you are capable of. Because you will and people around you will find every excuse in the world why it can’t be done. I am sure my mother will be sending this message to me loud and clear at the family reunion. Don’t go any further! Don’t try to be any better than you are right now. Hold yourself back like I always did.
Mediocrity is no longer good enough for me.
I want to change other things about my life besides my weight. I want a new career. What will that be? I am not sure yet. But I am formulating it.
Friday, July 21, 2006
DETERMINATION ENOUGH?
Not always. As fiercely as I stated I would get to goal this week, the scale remains stuck. Df is taking me out to dinner to celebrate tomorrow night but tomorrow probably ain't it. (I would rather have new jeans. This was his idea.)
Partly I have had a stressful week. Maybe the stress is what is holding my body back. The people at work are on my nerves with the constant chatter. Df unloaded his work problems to me last night and dd claims she has brain cancer and yeast. I am on overload. Plus dfs older kid not having a job and sitting around the house all summer watching tv is working my very last nerve.
So I am thinking tomorrow ain't it.
Partly I have had a stressful week. Maybe the stress is what is holding my body back. The people at work are on my nerves with the constant chatter. Df unloaded his work problems to me last night and dd claims she has brain cancer and yeast. I am on overload. Plus dfs older kid not having a job and sitting around the house all summer watching tv is working my very last nerve.
So I am thinking tomorrow ain't it.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Not Quite
That is right. .8 from goal. This is the week though. I will not accept defeat. This is it.
Over the months I have added up the steps to successful weight loss. I have to admit, in the beginning I was not sure of myself. I am much surer now. But I will be going in maintenance mode soon. Maintenance with the intention of losing however. I haven’t posted much in the past few weeks because of my hand for one reason and also because I have been afraid for another. I am afraid of jinxing myself. I am not sure why I feel this way, but it is what it is.
In four weeks I will be going to a huge family reunion with all my cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. I am guessing my weight loss will be a major topic there. Actually I think my mom will freak out a little. And when she freaks out, she tends to say very mean things. My mom is one of those jealous of her kids type of parents. I know she does not realize this, but she is. Well, she is with three of us, the other two she liked to see soar but for three of us, and one of them is a sister who is deceased, she likes to hold down. My brother, the soarer, is also deceased. So my weight loss will freak her out because it will remind her she has never really let herself be the best she could have been. And I understand that. I am the opposite. I want my daughter to soar over it all, but she has a big weight problem. So yes weight problems and issues are prevalent in our family. The thin people married in. I am anticipating this reunion because I am happy I am not dreading going in fatter or still fat, but I know I will meet a lot of negativity and resistance. It is what it is. That is one weight related issue that is freaking me out at or close to goal.
The other is my dear fiancé. I have had to force him to be supportive during this process. Not that he is unsupportive but he does not understand what this means to me because he is thin and always has been and has no food/emotional issues. He doesn’t get it. So it doesn’t mean anything to him and he would not understand that this is more important to me than our pending marriage. It just is. Because it is about me. It is what I have accomplished. Not that the marriage or relationship isn’t important. It is and I love him very much. I wish I could say he is my soul mate, but that isn’t the case. We have a strong relationship but I am alone in my own quest for a better me and a cleaner nicer house and environment. The things that are important to me are not important to him. I am not sure what is important to him other than the tv and his kids. His Harley? Maybe. It is the only thing he seems to cherish. I value myself above all. Even my daughter. My daughter is on her own journey now in life. She needs me but I can be myself. All in all, I am happy with the situation, other than the dirty messy house. I am not crazy about the fact that his 20 year old son is not working presently and sits around the house watching tv 24/7 and there is NO discussion about him ever moving on. My daughter, who has issues, is moving on. She probably won’t live at home after this summer. She is ready for that and so am I. Seems like we will have kids around forever. Sigh. I don’t like kids.
Anyway, I have been thinking about the weight loss equation. Why these months have successfully added up to a successful weight loss of 52 pounds. I am .8 from goal and will probably go below that. The reason I am not setting my goal lower is that I think that is a mistake. I have seen people do that on Ediets. They aren’t acknowledging their initial goal because they are not 100% satisfied with the result. But that isn’t the point. The point is achieving a goal so you can go to the next one. After I formally reach that goal, I will be writing about the next goal. I am already formulating it. It is going to be specific, but the reason I need to see this next .8 as reaching goal is that this is the number I have set as a goal for almost a year now. I am close to achieving it and my further weight loss and fitness ventures will no longer be as an overweight person trying to be a normal weight person. I will no longer officially be overweight. I will be a healthy weight and my next goal will illiminate the element of being fat and overweight. HUGE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR MENTAL MINDSET. Here are the steps that got me here:1. Making a decision. I wrote a post about this, but it is important. Last year at the end of August I decided I no longer wanted to be overweight. I was a yo yo dieter at the upside of a yo. I knew I had backtracked. I knew I had been in scale denial. I knew I was eating too much. I knew my clothes did not fit. I knew I looked like a piece of crap because I felt like one. But I realized I did not to be like this one day longer. I knew it would take a long time. I knew it wouldn’t happen overnight. But, I made a decision. I decided to step on the scale and face whatever the number was and that I wanted to lose whatever I needed to get to a healthy weight and I did not care how long it took, or how much work, or who would get in my way, including myself, as long as the scale went down from there. And I decided I would do whatever was necessary to achieve that goal.
Get rid of denial. This was a process. I could not deny my weight, my jean size, that I was fat, that I was out of shape, that I was thinner than so and so, that I really was not in that good of shape, that I had emotional issues. I had to get rid of the denial. I had to face what I had become and deal with it.
Deal with the emotional aspects. I had to realize I eat for emotional reasons. I had to figure out what triggered my eating and what foods I would eat. I had to devise different ways of dealing with problems so that when all hell broke loose, which it does, that I would deal with it in an appropriate way and not with food. I had to realize I would have to work on this the rest of my lie.
Get rid of the excuses. You know what they are. I hate exercise. I can’t drink water. I can ‘t give up sweets. I hate vegetables. I don’t have time to cook special meals. I am too busy to exercise. I have health issues and everyone in my family is fat too. Counting calories doesn’t work.
I had to change the way I ate. Food is 90% of the equation. My coworker joined a gym in January. She believe she would lose weight by doing this. She got a trainer. She does not weight herself. She eats every donut and piece of cake that goes through here. It is July 19th and she has lost exactly NOTHING. I assume, but don’t know because she never weighs herself and doesn’t talk about losing weight. She thinks she is losing She is in denial (See number 2). I have been there. I was a fit fat person at one time. I exercised like a maniac an still ate like one. I ate a lot of healthy food, which just made me fatter. Weight watchers has been my vehicle, but it does not matter what you do once you make the decision. Food is important. I eat the best healthiest superfoods. I eat a balanced diet. I don’t eliminate food groups. My eating has gotten progressively cleaner. Do I still eat desserts? Yup. But NOT as an emotional treat. They are planned into my menu. I only eliminated trigger foods that I negotiate and overeat EVERY time I start. They are wheat thins, fritos, and now pretzels. Pretzels recently became a trigger food. They are not in my house. Occasionaly I eat Fritos, but NOT at home. Ever. I eat lots of fruits and veggies, healthy grains, lean proteins, dairy and no white flour or processed foods.
I drink water. About two gallons a day.
Exercise. You can lose weight with just diet, but your body won’t become fit. I see people like at weight watchers. Women at goal with yucky shaped bodies. I am very fit. I did Bikram yoga for most of my exercise from September through March. Then I added about four hours a week of cardio. I recently added back weights. Was going to start that earlier but broke my hand. I am fit. I look fit and firm. It has helped me retain the elasticity in my skin. I love to exercise because it makes me feel good.
You have to plan and make the last three items a priority over everything else. You have to make backup plans for the plans that fail and backup plans for that.
Find support. I have it online and in the real world. Do not expect your family to support and help you. They won’t. Most of the time. They will be intimidated by you. Some will make fun of you and try to make you feel like an idiot. And those people are probably fat.
Change your program when it isn’t working. You will have to change your food and exercise during this journey. No doubt. If something isn’t working, you have to change it. You have to try new things.
Maintenance-I am almost there and will have a lot to say about this.
Over the months I have added up the steps to successful weight loss. I have to admit, in the beginning I was not sure of myself. I am much surer now. But I will be going in maintenance mode soon. Maintenance with the intention of losing however. I haven’t posted much in the past few weeks because of my hand for one reason and also because I have been afraid for another. I am afraid of jinxing myself. I am not sure why I feel this way, but it is what it is.
In four weeks I will be going to a huge family reunion with all my cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. I am guessing my weight loss will be a major topic there. Actually I think my mom will freak out a little. And when she freaks out, she tends to say very mean things. My mom is one of those jealous of her kids type of parents. I know she does not realize this, but she is. Well, she is with three of us, the other two she liked to see soar but for three of us, and one of them is a sister who is deceased, she likes to hold down. My brother, the soarer, is also deceased. So my weight loss will freak her out because it will remind her she has never really let herself be the best she could have been. And I understand that. I am the opposite. I want my daughter to soar over it all, but she has a big weight problem. So yes weight problems and issues are prevalent in our family. The thin people married in. I am anticipating this reunion because I am happy I am not dreading going in fatter or still fat, but I know I will meet a lot of negativity and resistance. It is what it is. That is one weight related issue that is freaking me out at or close to goal.
The other is my dear fiancé. I have had to force him to be supportive during this process. Not that he is unsupportive but he does not understand what this means to me because he is thin and always has been and has no food/emotional issues. He doesn’t get it. So it doesn’t mean anything to him and he would not understand that this is more important to me than our pending marriage. It just is. Because it is about me. It is what I have accomplished. Not that the marriage or relationship isn’t important. It is and I love him very much. I wish I could say he is my soul mate, but that isn’t the case. We have a strong relationship but I am alone in my own quest for a better me and a cleaner nicer house and environment. The things that are important to me are not important to him. I am not sure what is important to him other than the tv and his kids. His Harley? Maybe. It is the only thing he seems to cherish. I value myself above all. Even my daughter. My daughter is on her own journey now in life. She needs me but I can be myself. All in all, I am happy with the situation, other than the dirty messy house. I am not crazy about the fact that his 20 year old son is not working presently and sits around the house watching tv 24/7 and there is NO discussion about him ever moving on. My daughter, who has issues, is moving on. She probably won’t live at home after this summer. She is ready for that and so am I. Seems like we will have kids around forever. Sigh. I don’t like kids.
Anyway, I have been thinking about the weight loss equation. Why these months have successfully added up to a successful weight loss of 52 pounds. I am .8 from goal and will probably go below that. The reason I am not setting my goal lower is that I think that is a mistake. I have seen people do that on Ediets. They aren’t acknowledging their initial goal because they are not 100% satisfied with the result. But that isn’t the point. The point is achieving a goal so you can go to the next one. After I formally reach that goal, I will be writing about the next goal. I am already formulating it. It is going to be specific, but the reason I need to see this next .8 as reaching goal is that this is the number I have set as a goal for almost a year now. I am close to achieving it and my further weight loss and fitness ventures will no longer be as an overweight person trying to be a normal weight person. I will no longer officially be overweight. I will be a healthy weight and my next goal will illiminate the element of being fat and overweight. HUGE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR MENTAL MINDSET. Here are the steps that got me here:1. Making a decision. I wrote a post about this, but it is important. Last year at the end of August I decided I no longer wanted to be overweight. I was a yo yo dieter at the upside of a yo. I knew I had backtracked. I knew I had been in scale denial. I knew I was eating too much. I knew my clothes did not fit. I knew I looked like a piece of crap because I felt like one. But I realized I did not to be like this one day longer. I knew it would take a long time. I knew it wouldn’t happen overnight. But, I made a decision. I decided to step on the scale and face whatever the number was and that I wanted to lose whatever I needed to get to a healthy weight and I did not care how long it took, or how much work, or who would get in my way, including myself, as long as the scale went down from there. And I decided I would do whatever was necessary to achieve that goal.
Get rid of denial. This was a process. I could not deny my weight, my jean size, that I was fat, that I was out of shape, that I was thinner than so and so, that I really was not in that good of shape, that I had emotional issues. I had to get rid of the denial. I had to face what I had become and deal with it.
Deal with the emotional aspects. I had to realize I eat for emotional reasons. I had to figure out what triggered my eating and what foods I would eat. I had to devise different ways of dealing with problems so that when all hell broke loose, which it does, that I would deal with it in an appropriate way and not with food. I had to realize I would have to work on this the rest of my lie.
Get rid of the excuses. You know what they are. I hate exercise. I can’t drink water. I can ‘t give up sweets. I hate vegetables. I don’t have time to cook special meals. I am too busy to exercise. I have health issues and everyone in my family is fat too. Counting calories doesn’t work.
I had to change the way I ate. Food is 90% of the equation. My coworker joined a gym in January. She believe she would lose weight by doing this. She got a trainer. She does not weight herself. She eats every donut and piece of cake that goes through here. It is July 19th and she has lost exactly NOTHING. I assume, but don’t know because she never weighs herself and doesn’t talk about losing weight. She thinks she is losing She is in denial (See number 2). I have been there. I was a fit fat person at one time. I exercised like a maniac an still ate like one. I ate a lot of healthy food, which just made me fatter. Weight watchers has been my vehicle, but it does not matter what you do once you make the decision. Food is important. I eat the best healthiest superfoods. I eat a balanced diet. I don’t eliminate food groups. My eating has gotten progressively cleaner. Do I still eat desserts? Yup. But NOT as an emotional treat. They are planned into my menu. I only eliminated trigger foods that I negotiate and overeat EVERY time I start. They are wheat thins, fritos, and now pretzels. Pretzels recently became a trigger food. They are not in my house. Occasionaly I eat Fritos, but NOT at home. Ever. I eat lots of fruits and veggies, healthy grains, lean proteins, dairy and no white flour or processed foods.
I drink water. About two gallons a day.
Exercise. You can lose weight with just diet, but your body won’t become fit. I see people like at weight watchers. Women at goal with yucky shaped bodies. I am very fit. I did Bikram yoga for most of my exercise from September through March. Then I added about four hours a week of cardio. I recently added back weights. Was going to start that earlier but broke my hand. I am fit. I look fit and firm. It has helped me retain the elasticity in my skin. I love to exercise because it makes me feel good.
You have to plan and make the last three items a priority over everything else. You have to make backup plans for the plans that fail and backup plans for that.
Find support. I have it online and in the real world. Do not expect your family to support and help you. They won’t. Most of the time. They will be intimidated by you. Some will make fun of you and try to make you feel like an idiot. And those people are probably fat.
Change your program when it isn’t working. You will have to change your food and exercise during this journey. No doubt. If something isn’t working, you have to change it. You have to try new things.
Maintenance-I am almost there and will have a lot to say about this.
Monday, July 10, 2006
1 POUND LEFT
Yes, I am one pound from goal. I will not be where I want to be but I will be in a healthy weight range for the first time in at least 20 years. I have spent most of my life being overweight. Now, I no longer am.
But I haven’t achieved what I really need, which is to have the best body for me. There is still fat on my body I need to be rid of. And although I am in good shape, I want to be better.
After I reach goal, hopefully this week, I will go into maintenance mode. Which means adding food, but I am going to change and refine my diet. It will only get better and I will keep working out harder than ever.
Thanks to anonymous for the comment on my daughter. You are right, making too much food is not a good idea. One reason I do it is to have leftovers during the week so I do not have to cook all the time. I think I will start making less.
But I haven’t achieved what I really need, which is to have the best body for me. There is still fat on my body I need to be rid of. And although I am in good shape, I want to be better.
After I reach goal, hopefully this week, I will go into maintenance mode. Which means adding food, but I am going to change and refine my diet. It will only get better and I will keep working out harder than ever.
Thanks to anonymous for the comment on my daughter. You are right, making too much food is not a good idea. One reason I do it is to have leftovers during the week so I do not have to cook all the time. I think I will start making less.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
3 MORE POUNDS
That's right. I am about three pounds from goal.
I haven't been logging for a couple of weeks due to the problem with my hand. The good news is that the bone is almost healed, but I sprained one of the other fingers falling on it in yoga. Calamity Joan here.
I am also busy with my daughter being home from college. It isn't starting to wear on me. She has huge weight issue and has gained a lot of weight. She has always had weight issues. When she played basketball she was heavy and ate a lot, but she was somewhat in shape. Now that she is not active, she has gotten flabby and soft and still eats enormous amounts of food. I have seen very few people who can eat what she does. I offered to help her this summer and have spent a lot of time making healthy meals. But she still eats too much. Last night she ate about seven pieces of chicken for dinner. I am somewhat alarmed about all of this. There is just nothing I can do. Plus, my grocery bill is enormous buying food to fill up Jethro. Also she told my mom that I am TOO FOCUSED ON WEIGHT LOSS AND EXERCISE! So she is obviously very intimidated by my weight loss. I feel like giving up because I firmly believe a person has to make the decision themselves to change and she just hasn't done that. DF has been finding Burger King bags in the garbage too, her favorite fast food, so I know she is eating tons of food. Almost every day she is asking me if she looks better. For all I know, I am putting this extra work in and she could be gaining. Obviously she has issues. Not sure what to do.
I have escalated my workouts and continued to eat better because I am so close to goal. I will still lose after I reach the weight watcher goal, but I will eat more food. I have a new food plan figured out. I am hoping I reach this goal sometime this month.
I haven't been logging for a couple of weeks due to the problem with my hand. The good news is that the bone is almost healed, but I sprained one of the other fingers falling on it in yoga. Calamity Joan here.
I am also busy with my daughter being home from college. It isn't starting to wear on me. She has huge weight issue and has gained a lot of weight. She has always had weight issues. When she played basketball she was heavy and ate a lot, but she was somewhat in shape. Now that she is not active, she has gotten flabby and soft and still eats enormous amounts of food. I have seen very few people who can eat what she does. I offered to help her this summer and have spent a lot of time making healthy meals. But she still eats too much. Last night she ate about seven pieces of chicken for dinner. I am somewhat alarmed about all of this. There is just nothing I can do. Plus, my grocery bill is enormous buying food to fill up Jethro. Also she told my mom that I am TOO FOCUSED ON WEIGHT LOSS AND EXERCISE! So she is obviously very intimidated by my weight loss. I feel like giving up because I firmly believe a person has to make the decision themselves to change and she just hasn't done that. DF has been finding Burger King bags in the garbage too, her favorite fast food, so I know she is eating tons of food. Almost every day she is asking me if she looks better. For all I know, I am putting this extra work in and she could be gaining. Obviously she has issues. Not sure what to do.
I have escalated my workouts and continued to eat better because I am so close to goal. I will still lose after I reach the weight watcher goal, but I will eat more food. I have a new food plan figured out. I am hoping I reach this goal sometime this month.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
AS THE WORLD SHIFTS
In the past few weeks it is like my entire world has shifted.
I used to be one of the heavy people everywhere, but now I am among the fit and trim. I did have a lot of company before. There are plenty of heavy people out there. I live in Wisconsin so even more so here than in some places.
I first noticed this at weight watcher meetings. All of a sudden, I found myself thinking, ‘There sure are a lot of FAT people here.’ Now I realize it isn’t just weight watchers. A lot of women are fatter than I am now. It is GOOD that fat women go to weight watchers!
Now, I am by no means thin, but I do look damn good and am fitting in my smallest clothes. I had a range of clothes in my closet from a few 8s up to 14. At one time I was a 22/24. A few weeks ago I got rid of anything over a size 10. All of it and it felt good. I was in denial at a size 22/24 and thought I was fit and not fat at that time. Hard to imagine….. Anyway I got rid of the clothes so that I do not have permission to gain or to find myself putting on a pair of fat jeans to be comfortable and then to grow into them.
Last night in yoga I realized that in these long months of active weight loss part of my yoga struggle (everyone struggles in Bikram yoga) was my own body and that struggle no longer exists, but the memory of it is there. I certainly hope not.
It is as if my own body is asking me ‘Are you sure that stomach fat isn’t there or coming back?’ The memory of twisting and bending with all of that fat there will be there a long time after the fat is gone.
So the shift was subtle at first but now is glaring. I was in a meeting yesterday where I was the most attractive woman there. I don’t mean just my body either. I am talking clothes, hair, shoes, makeup, and all else. I see a lot of women who aren’t even fat, but just dress so poorly around here. Not me anymore. I put my best clothes on now even though I do worry at night that they won’t fit in the morning because that weight will come back on overnight! Funny what the mind tells us. It is hard to ignore your own brain when you have to spend a lot of time ignoring the brain crap from others. I just shut that out now. It was aggravating me but now I don’t care. They have their problems and I have mine.
It is two days until weigh in. I am hoping for a two pound loss this week. I have eaten super clean. No sugar at all. I feel plateau-y though, but think I look thinner.
Next week the splint comes off and I can start working on weight again. I have nine weeks until my family vacation and I could go right now and have the best body so my goal is to be rid of ten more pounds of ugly fat and be a little buffer. I have the new program all ready.
I used to be one of the heavy people everywhere, but now I am among the fit and trim. I did have a lot of company before. There are plenty of heavy people out there. I live in Wisconsin so even more so here than in some places.
I first noticed this at weight watcher meetings. All of a sudden, I found myself thinking, ‘There sure are a lot of FAT people here.’ Now I realize it isn’t just weight watchers. A lot of women are fatter than I am now. It is GOOD that fat women go to weight watchers!
Now, I am by no means thin, but I do look damn good and am fitting in my smallest clothes. I had a range of clothes in my closet from a few 8s up to 14. At one time I was a 22/24. A few weeks ago I got rid of anything over a size 10. All of it and it felt good. I was in denial at a size 22/24 and thought I was fit and not fat at that time. Hard to imagine….. Anyway I got rid of the clothes so that I do not have permission to gain or to find myself putting on a pair of fat jeans to be comfortable and then to grow into them.
Last night in yoga I realized that in these long months of active weight loss part of my yoga struggle (everyone struggles in Bikram yoga) was my own body and that struggle no longer exists, but the memory of it is there. I certainly hope not.
It is as if my own body is asking me ‘Are you sure that stomach fat isn’t there or coming back?’ The memory of twisting and bending with all of that fat there will be there a long time after the fat is gone.
So the shift was subtle at first but now is glaring. I was in a meeting yesterday where I was the most attractive woman there. I don’t mean just my body either. I am talking clothes, hair, shoes, makeup, and all else. I see a lot of women who aren’t even fat, but just dress so poorly around here. Not me anymore. I put my best clothes on now even though I do worry at night that they won’t fit in the morning because that weight will come back on overnight! Funny what the mind tells us. It is hard to ignore your own brain when you have to spend a lot of time ignoring the brain crap from others. I just shut that out now. It was aggravating me but now I don’t care. They have their problems and I have mine.
It is two days until weigh in. I am hoping for a two pound loss this week. I have eaten super clean. No sugar at all. I feel plateau-y though, but think I look thinner.
Next week the splint comes off and I can start working on weight again. I have nine weeks until my family vacation and I could go right now and have the best body so my goal is to be rid of ten more pounds of ugly fat and be a little buffer. I have the new program all ready.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Scale Aberration
Is what I call a gain these days since I know I did not gain .6 lbs last week. I worked my tail off and fought the mind chatter all week. After my weigh in I went to the grocery store and bought the cleanest of clean foods and stocked up on chicken, fish, veggies, fruit, and healthy grains so that this week I will have a loss.
Hate to see a gain and the scale totally freaks me out. I have a very unhealthy relationship to the scale. Always have. I batted around a daily weigh in this week but our scale at home actually weighs me in heavier so that may freak me out at this point.
I got called out on Ediets for posting something mean about my coworker and the woman was right, but I have a lot of anger along with empathy for heavy people these days. It is more about me than it is about them because I see them exhibiting behaviors that I have had in the past and that scares the hell out of me. This morning I mindlessly walked in the copy room and started cutting a bagel that the director brought in. That is bad behavior for me. Someone walked in and I put it down. It had raisins in it and I hate that but it was like I was a zombie. There was no trigger emotion going on. I just did it. That scares me. But I did stop myself but I know once I get in those behaviors it is not time at all and I will gain. Or quit weighing in.
Hate to see a gain and the scale totally freaks me out. I have a very unhealthy relationship to the scale. Always have. I batted around a daily weigh in this week but our scale at home actually weighs me in heavier so that may freak me out at this point.
I got called out on Ediets for posting something mean about my coworker and the woman was right, but I have a lot of anger along with empathy for heavy people these days. It is more about me than it is about them because I see them exhibiting behaviors that I have had in the past and that scares the hell out of me. This morning I mindlessly walked in the copy room and started cutting a bagel that the director brought in. That is bad behavior for me. Someone walked in and I put it down. It had raisins in it and I hate that but it was like I was a zombie. There was no trigger emotion going on. I just did it. That scares me. But I did stop myself but I know once I get in those behaviors it is not time at all and I will gain. Or quit weighing in.
Friday, June 09, 2006
TIME TO LEAVE WORK
The retards are chatting away. The student worker is asking my coworker how to cook fish. What a retard. Talk about the blind leading the blind there. I am staying out of this conversation. Time to leave for the day.
Don't really feel like I have a good weigh in coming this week and not sure why. Feel like I may be hitting a plateau. Have to do my cardio session today and will eat light tonight. The check out girl at Walgreens told me I look skinny. That is a good way to start the weekend.
We are going out to eat at Quaker Steak and Lube tomorrow. Lovely. Not one thing on the menu not covered in cheese, bacon, sour cream, or ranch dressing. The whole menu sounds gross but that is where the friends wanted to go. Yucko
Don't really feel like I have a good weigh in coming this week and not sure why. Feel like I may be hitting a plateau. Have to do my cardio session today and will eat light tonight. The check out girl at Walgreens told me I look skinny. That is a good way to start the weekend.
We are going out to eat at Quaker Steak and Lube tomorrow. Lovely. Not one thing on the menu not covered in cheese, bacon, sour cream, or ranch dressing. The whole menu sounds gross but that is where the friends wanted to go. Yucko
Thursday, June 08, 2006
WHY BEING HUNGRY IS GOOD
Two days away from weigh-in.
Because I am wearing a size 8 skirt and NO ONE up here will tell me how good I look. I look fabulous and sexier than anyone on this floor right now.
Because I have to weigh in in two days and am on a weight loss roll.
Because the hour cardio I am doing later is hard work and I want to make it count.
Because I have healthy food planned all day and it should satisfy me.
Because I don't have to struggle to put on any of my clothes right now.
Because I am buying some Lucky jeans on Saturday.
Because I have to weigh in in two more days.
Because I can cross my legs effortlessly.
Because I can do this.
Because I am wearing a size 8 skirt and NO ONE up here will tell me how good I look. I look fabulous and sexier than anyone on this floor right now.
Because I have to weigh in in two days and am on a weight loss roll.
Because the hour cardio I am doing later is hard work and I want to make it count.
Because I have healthy food planned all day and it should satisfy me.
Because I don't have to struggle to put on any of my clothes right now.
Because I am buying some Lucky jeans on Saturday.
Because I have to weigh in in two more days.
Because I can cross my legs effortlessly.
Because I can do this.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
6 Lbs Away
I broke my hand just walking down the street and falling. It is better but keying is hard. I am actually turning into a lefthander. Today I go back to the doc to see if surgery is necessary but I am hoping not.
I am 6 pounds from goal and am amazed. By setting small goals over a long period of time, I have gotten to this point.
On September 1st last year I got out of denial and stepped on the scale at 221.5 pounds. My first goal was to get below 220. Luckily that happened the first week. Actually the first day. That was a Monday. By Tuesday, I was 219. My next goal was to get in the 200s. That happened relatively quickly. I joined weight watchers on October 1st and weighed in at 212.4. By the next week I was down to 207. The next goal was the one hundreds. Getting below 200 is huge for anyone because well you don’t feel so HUGE. This is a big psychological advantage. I have done it four times. True story.
My next goal was 191 since that was my 10% for weight watchers. Then below 190. It took me a couple of months to get out of the 190s. The next goal was 180s. Again, a couple of months for this but huge accomplishment. I have dieted many times to get in the 170s. I am a big person so this is a good weight zone for me.
The 170s are going pretty quickly. So far. Probably because of the 4 sessions of 45-60 minute elliptical I have added. 177 was my former Ediets low weight. I am now 175 and this is about the weight I was when I graduated from high school. I had much less muscle then so was probably flabbier. I am looking pretty buff right now. I do have excess skin and am worried about that.
So my next goal is 169 which is my high end of my weight range. I will go on maintenance at that point but will be doing a stricter BFL type of eating plan at that point and hopefully can start doing weights again as my hand should be healed.
Typing is still soooo hard.
I am 6 pounds from goal and am amazed. By setting small goals over a long period of time, I have gotten to this point.
On September 1st last year I got out of denial and stepped on the scale at 221.5 pounds. My first goal was to get below 220. Luckily that happened the first week. Actually the first day. That was a Monday. By Tuesday, I was 219. My next goal was to get in the 200s. That happened relatively quickly. I joined weight watchers on October 1st and weighed in at 212.4. By the next week I was down to 207. The next goal was the one hundreds. Getting below 200 is huge for anyone because well you don’t feel so HUGE. This is a big psychological advantage. I have done it four times. True story.
My next goal was 191 since that was my 10% for weight watchers. Then below 190. It took me a couple of months to get out of the 190s. The next goal was 180s. Again, a couple of months for this but huge accomplishment. I have dieted many times to get in the 170s. I am a big person so this is a good weight zone for me.
The 170s are going pretty quickly. So far. Probably because of the 4 sessions of 45-60 minute elliptical I have added. 177 was my former Ediets low weight. I am now 175 and this is about the weight I was when I graduated from high school. I had much less muscle then so was probably flabbier. I am looking pretty buff right now. I do have excess skin and am worried about that.
So my next goal is 169 which is my high end of my weight range. I will go on maintenance at that point but will be doing a stricter BFL type of eating plan at that point and hopefully can start doing weights again as my hand should be healed.
Typing is still soooo hard.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
7 Pounds From Goal
I broke my hand so this will be short.
I have had it with it is all about me people. I ran into a weight loss friend at ww a few weeks ago and it was all about her. And she has GAINED weight. I went to a party last weekend with a friend who never acknowledges my weight loss. Had to hear about her vacation and she would not listen about mine.
Tired of this.
I have had it with it is all about me people. I ran into a weight loss friend at ww a few weeks ago and it was all about her. And she has GAINED weight. I went to a party last weekend with a friend who never acknowledges my weight loss. Had to hear about her vacation and she would not listen about mine.
Tired of this.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
RADICALS
I have a new television show I love to watch. It is called Big Love and it is on HBO. The story is about a Mormon family headed by Bill Paxton that practices polygamy. Polygamy was outlawed in the Mormon church over a century ago but there are still sects of practitioners of the path. Bill’s character has three wives, Jean Tripplethorn, Chloe Sevigny, and another actress. They live in the real world and each wife has her own home. The homes are adjoining and they act as a complete family. Obviously the concept of this show is too radical for bland network programming and HBO is able to show a naked Paxton frolicking with his wives in bed etc. I don’t feel this is the most radical part of the show nor is the polygamy. The most radical concept this show delivers is the the practice of a faith by people in their every day life. This is a first on tv. When tv has approached the subject of religion and spiritual practices, it has merely been to show certain religious holiday practices or else they have had cutesy emotional story lines about ghosts or spirits or angels speaking to people. Never in the history of tv has a show depicted the every day struggles of people practicing their faith or spiritual belief systems. This show does that.
I hate to make the easy comparison of this with our diet struggles, but I think it is much the same way because we are radicals who practice healthy eating and exercising. We practice good health in our daily lives. We are elite, but we are also isolate and alone sometimes.
Does that sound too dark? I don’t think there is one person I have ever seen post on any thread on dieting that were not experiencing resistance, negativity, sarcasm, and pain from those around them, family, friends, and coworkers at the point where they were giving 200%. Just this morning I was on the elevator and I have a nice outfit on and one of the trolls I work with, glared at me. And I was not imagining it. I have experienced a lot just getting on the god dammed elevator first thing in the morning before I even get to my office. You know what this sort of behavior has made me do? It has made me dress nicer every day. I wake up and think what outfit I can wear to day to incite jealousy? I must look really good to be so reviled. I am not even allowed in the lottery ticket pool any more.
Yes, this is isolating. It is radical living like this, but like people of faith you have to ask yourself what are you giving up and what are you gaining. I am going home for a family reunion this August and I anticipate right now that I will be the subject of discussion there. My mom is already offended and scared of my weight loss and I have lost almost 20 pounds since the last time she saw me. I am not anticipating having a good time because I am radical. I am living a lifestyle and practicing a way of life every day that most people want to practice, but have convinced themselves they can’t. I have to uphold this lifestyle and explain it to my family. They will give me excuses about the way they eat. They will give me reasons not to exercise. They can’t drink that much water because it makes them gag. Am I giving up too much? Finally it occurred to me what the alternative is. The alternative is to live like them. Now I am one of the Others like on the tv show Lost. On the second season finale Hurley finally asks one of them who they are. The man answered that they are the good guys.
I am a good guy. I am. I am really not trying to do this to make anyone else unhappy. The alternative is to be like one of them. I am not happy fat. I don’t really believe people who say they are happy fat people. They are in denial. I believe. I didn’t like being in denial, pretending I was thin when I was fat. It was a lie. I lived the lie every day. I would rather be radical than a liar.
I hate to make the easy comparison of this with our diet struggles, but I think it is much the same way because we are radicals who practice healthy eating and exercising. We practice good health in our daily lives. We are elite, but we are also isolate and alone sometimes.
Does that sound too dark? I don’t think there is one person I have ever seen post on any thread on dieting that were not experiencing resistance, negativity, sarcasm, and pain from those around them, family, friends, and coworkers at the point where they were giving 200%. Just this morning I was on the elevator and I have a nice outfit on and one of the trolls I work with, glared at me. And I was not imagining it. I have experienced a lot just getting on the god dammed elevator first thing in the morning before I even get to my office. You know what this sort of behavior has made me do? It has made me dress nicer every day. I wake up and think what outfit I can wear to day to incite jealousy? I must look really good to be so reviled. I am not even allowed in the lottery ticket pool any more.
Yes, this is isolating. It is radical living like this, but like people of faith you have to ask yourself what are you giving up and what are you gaining. I am going home for a family reunion this August and I anticipate right now that I will be the subject of discussion there. My mom is already offended and scared of my weight loss and I have lost almost 20 pounds since the last time she saw me. I am not anticipating having a good time because I am radical. I am living a lifestyle and practicing a way of life every day that most people want to practice, but have convinced themselves they can’t. I have to uphold this lifestyle and explain it to my family. They will give me excuses about the way they eat. They will give me reasons not to exercise. They can’t drink that much water because it makes them gag. Am I giving up too much? Finally it occurred to me what the alternative is. The alternative is to live like them. Now I am one of the Others like on the tv show Lost. On the second season finale Hurley finally asks one of them who they are. The man answered that they are the good guys.
I am a good guy. I am. I am really not trying to do this to make anyone else unhappy. The alternative is to be like one of them. I am not happy fat. I don’t really believe people who say they are happy fat people. They are in denial. I believe. I didn’t like being in denial, pretending I was thin when I was fat. It was a lie. I lived the lie every day. I would rather be radical than a liar.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
She Did It Again
It is getting almost laughable. Today an old student worker came in and she talked to him downstairs and came up and said he noticed she had been working out. Wonder what prompt she gave him for that compliment. He is a polite young Chinese man and just doesn't make those kinds of comments. LOL It is laughable. Now it doesn't bother me. I lost 44 pounds! Yeah.
I do feel sorry for her though because I lived in that denial a long time. I never lost weight. But when you try to convince other people you are, when you aren't, then you are in big trouble. I can create my own denial. Creating denial for others is hard work.
I ate too much this past weekend I feel so am making up for it by eating clean clean clean this week. Chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, cottage cheese, fruit, oatmeal, egg whites. Lots of cardio. I want to be 7 pounds from goal this Saturday.
I do feel sorry for her though because I lived in that denial a long time. I never lost weight. But when you try to convince other people you are, when you aren't, then you are in big trouble. I can create my own denial. Creating denial for others is hard work.
I ate too much this past weekend I feel so am making up for it by eating clean clean clean this week. Chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, cottage cheese, fruit, oatmeal, egg whites. Lots of cardio. I want to be 7 pounds from goal this Saturday.
Monday, May 22, 2006
8 MORE POUNDS
I reached two important goals this past weekend. One was getting to my low weight of 177 that I had reached two years ago before I gained back 44 pounds. Also I am under 10 pounds until goal weight. I am now at 8.
For the past two weeks I have looked at the Bikram mirror and liked what I see. I would no longer look at myself in the mirror and say that is a fat woman. I try not to compare myself to others in class. There are a lot of younger women with amazing bodies. I don’t have an amazing body. Yet. But that is my ultimate goal. I am starting to visualize what my body will be like when I get what I want out of this. I want to be at my best. I want to be amazing. I want male attention. I want female jealousy. I want it all.Because I like putting on clothes that fit well and that I don’t have to struggle with. I like not having to button and zip up pants over a flabby belly.
At his weight, every pound I lose is visible. Lately it has come off my stomach. Stomach last. My worst feature and I may need a tummy tuck at some point. So I am working uberhard to make my stomach the best it can be. I will fight that tummy tuck I will. I love the clothes I wear now. I like looking at myself. I like working out. Every workout counts at this point.
8 more pounds.
For the past two weeks I have looked at the Bikram mirror and liked what I see. I would no longer look at myself in the mirror and say that is a fat woman. I try not to compare myself to others in class. There are a lot of younger women with amazing bodies. I don’t have an amazing body. Yet. But that is my ultimate goal. I am starting to visualize what my body will be like when I get what I want out of this. I want to be at my best. I want to be amazing. I want male attention. I want female jealousy. I want it all.Because I like putting on clothes that fit well and that I don’t have to struggle with. I like not having to button and zip up pants over a flabby belly.
At his weight, every pound I lose is visible. Lately it has come off my stomach. Stomach last. My worst feature and I may need a tummy tuck at some point. So I am working uberhard to make my stomach the best it can be. I will fight that tummy tuck I will. I love the clothes I wear now. I like looking at myself. I like working out. Every workout counts at this point.
8 more pounds.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
10 Pounds From Goal
Sounds pretty good and I got in the 170s too. All that cardio is paying off. I am enjoying this feeling. I am no longer fat. I do not look in the Bikram mirror and think fat person any more. That is gone.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Stepping Up
Now that my weight loss has slowed to a turtle's speed, I have to step things up and what does that mean?
Well, initially starting weight watchers one promise I made to myself was that the word "no" is not to be put in the front of any word. That worked well for my first 41 pounds. I did not overdo anything and ate my daily requirement of fruits and veggies and dairy and protein. I did use points for occasional light desserts and treats I like. I am a Coke addict and I usually have one or two a week and they are planned for. I used to drink like four or five a day. This week I "quit" the diet coke. Well, at least I am giving myself one a day. This can be a trigger for me so I have to be careful. I drank way too many of them and they made me feel like crap with all the caffeine and preservatives. I did have one this morning but that is it for the day. Yesterday I had none. If I lose control for a day, I will have to quit it totally which is my goal. I mean I really hate the shit. Really. I do. Why do I drink it like water? I haven't a clue.
See it has taken months to get here and I have had to work and tweak things as I go. I also added four sessions of the elliptical a week a few weeks ago. I thought this would jump start some loss but it really hasn't although I do feel there is a loss of fat in my midsection the past few days from the cardio, which I work HARD.
So what is happening is that I am using the word no to myself more frequently. I have had one coke this week. If I really want one, I will have it. Almost talked myself into it last night but didn't do it and there is a two liter bottle at home. I can't open that though because my fiance's youngest, who is a sugar addict and is with us this week, will suck it all down if I open it and have some so it kept me from doing that last night. Fiance is trying to get him off the sugar since he has ADD now among other problems. I think he is malnourished myself but no one asks what I think. Probably because they know it already.
So although I am not the food nazi that my Ediets friends are I do realize that to get to my goal, I have to tighten it up and eat less of that stuff, which is pretty minimal and more healthy stuff. Especially since I am doubling up some days with the cardio on the elliptical with a Bikram yoga class. Nutrition is vital those days so that I don't haul off and die in the middle of yoga.
I am not in a hurry to lose but am trying to break into the 170s this month. I have to go to fiance's youngest son's confirmation a week from Sunday and bought an outfit and the skirt is snug, so would like that a little loser plus we have to go to the exes for a party afterwards. Boy am I looking forward to that. Hope they serve alcohol.
The next week we are going to a party for the holiday weekend and my two friends that will be there are superskinny. I am still like two of them. No lie. One wears little boy clothes because even petites are too big. She has an eating disorder though. Anyway I have a new outfit for that that fits fine. It is fiance's work party so want to look fab so at least someone there fucking notices, even though my skinny friends don't say a thing about them but I probably still look like a cow to them. Who cares. They are fun and there will be alcohol!
Well, initially starting weight watchers one promise I made to myself was that the word "no" is not to be put in the front of any word. That worked well for my first 41 pounds. I did not overdo anything and ate my daily requirement of fruits and veggies and dairy and protein. I did use points for occasional light desserts and treats I like. I am a Coke addict and I usually have one or two a week and they are planned for. I used to drink like four or five a day. This week I "quit" the diet coke. Well, at least I am giving myself one a day. This can be a trigger for me so I have to be careful. I drank way too many of them and they made me feel like crap with all the caffeine and preservatives. I did have one this morning but that is it for the day. Yesterday I had none. If I lose control for a day, I will have to quit it totally which is my goal. I mean I really hate the shit. Really. I do. Why do I drink it like water? I haven't a clue.
See it has taken months to get here and I have had to work and tweak things as I go. I also added four sessions of the elliptical a week a few weeks ago. I thought this would jump start some loss but it really hasn't although I do feel there is a loss of fat in my midsection the past few days from the cardio, which I work HARD.
So what is happening is that I am using the word no to myself more frequently. I have had one coke this week. If I really want one, I will have it. Almost talked myself into it last night but didn't do it and there is a two liter bottle at home. I can't open that though because my fiance's youngest, who is a sugar addict and is with us this week, will suck it all down if I open it and have some so it kept me from doing that last night. Fiance is trying to get him off the sugar since he has ADD now among other problems. I think he is malnourished myself but no one asks what I think. Probably because they know it already.
So although I am not the food nazi that my Ediets friends are I do realize that to get to my goal, I have to tighten it up and eat less of that stuff, which is pretty minimal and more healthy stuff. Especially since I am doubling up some days with the cardio on the elliptical with a Bikram yoga class. Nutrition is vital those days so that I don't haul off and die in the middle of yoga.
I am not in a hurry to lose but am trying to break into the 170s this month. I have to go to fiance's youngest son's confirmation a week from Sunday and bought an outfit and the skirt is snug, so would like that a little loser plus we have to go to the exes for a party afterwards. Boy am I looking forward to that. Hope they serve alcohol.
The next week we are going to a party for the holiday weekend and my two friends that will be there are superskinny. I am still like two of them. No lie. One wears little boy clothes because even petites are too big. She has an eating disorder though. Anyway I have a new outfit for that that fits fine. It is fiance's work party so want to look fab so at least someone there fucking notices, even though my skinny friends don't say a thing about them but I probably still look like a cow to them. Who cares. They are fun and there will be alcohol!
Monday, May 08, 2006
How Did She Get So FAT!
I ran into an old coworker yesterday at Home Depot and was shocked to see she had gained about 60 pounds. She pretended she didn't see me. I remember she was on a diet all the time and was very tiny. Now she is fat and flabby and out of shape.
About a year ago that would have been me and I know I always hated seeing someone from my thinner days and would hide too. Been there, done that. Makes me wonder what caused her to lose her way. Relationship problems with the husband? Problems with children? Work?
Last night I sort of understood this whole food addiction thing better after watching the Sopranos. One of the characters, Christopher, used to be a raging drug addict/alcoholic. He went to rehab and gave it all back. Tony talked him into having a glass of wine and soon he was shooting up.
I think it is the same way with food. It starts out small. Maybe you quit logging your food and don't count those extra bites. Then you start eating out more. You don't weigh your portions as much. Your clothes are getting smaller. But you get in denial. Maybe like me, you avoid the scale. You get in full-blown denial and you end up gaining it back. And more usually.
I wish there was more research into why people gain back + more. There must be a reason? Maybe due to the havoc we are putting our metabolisms in due to constant dieting. I know a friend and I were talking about this a while back. Her friend, who is probably in the high end or a little more of her weight range, just eats a ton of food and never gains, while we count every miniscule bite, calorie, and point we eat. Plus we exercise like fiends and this woman does nothing. I told my friend that it is because we are dieting all the time and our bodies must really be fighting us to stay fat. It is frustrating. I do believe most thin people are careful though and don't eat everything they see. If you have never been overweight then you obviously have learned what I have never learned, how to eat moderately.
I don't think I ever will either. This is a lifelong struggle.
Oh, I only lost .2, even after adding all that cardio. Geez.
About a year ago that would have been me and I know I always hated seeing someone from my thinner days and would hide too. Been there, done that. Makes me wonder what caused her to lose her way. Relationship problems with the husband? Problems with children? Work?
Last night I sort of understood this whole food addiction thing better after watching the Sopranos. One of the characters, Christopher, used to be a raging drug addict/alcoholic. He went to rehab and gave it all back. Tony talked him into having a glass of wine and soon he was shooting up.
I think it is the same way with food. It starts out small. Maybe you quit logging your food and don't count those extra bites. Then you start eating out more. You don't weigh your portions as much. Your clothes are getting smaller. But you get in denial. Maybe like me, you avoid the scale. You get in full-blown denial and you end up gaining it back. And more usually.
I wish there was more research into why people gain back + more. There must be a reason? Maybe due to the havoc we are putting our metabolisms in due to constant dieting. I know a friend and I were talking about this a while back. Her friend, who is probably in the high end or a little more of her weight range, just eats a ton of food and never gains, while we count every miniscule bite, calorie, and point we eat. Plus we exercise like fiends and this woman does nothing. I told my friend that it is because we are dieting all the time and our bodies must really be fighting us to stay fat. It is frustrating. I do believe most thin people are careful though and don't eat everything they see. If you have never been overweight then you obviously have learned what I have never learned, how to eat moderately.
I don't think I ever will either. This is a lifelong struggle.
Oh, I only lost .2, even after adding all that cardio. Geez.
Friday, May 05, 2006
I AM NOT NICE TODAY
Today I am no longer resisting being myself and saying what needs to be said. I have been Mr. Nice Guy around here for too long. I sat around here patiently enough for the past months listening to my coworker yack about how much weight she is losing since she has started going to a health club three days a week. I supported her. I did not brag about my weight loss while she has stayed the same size because I didn't want her to feel bad about herself.
I mean, she must know that she is still the same size.
But, after yesterday, all bets are off.
I am, after all, basically a not very nice person with few friends. Because I do NOT put up with bs. She pushed the bs button too far over the room temperature issue.
Since I have lost 41 pounds since September 1st, I am colder. I have always been colder than her, because she has always been fatter than me. We work in the coldest room on our floor. People come in here all the time and say how cold it is. We haven't had too much really warm weather here yet, but she keeps yanking down the thermostat to 66 degrees, because she works up a sweat going to the bathroom. So I kept turning it up. Yesterday after she had turned it back down and it was your basic icebox in this room I approached her maturely and said we need to find a moderate temperature because it is too cold and that when she has the air conditioner turned down to 66 degrees before she leaves and I then I come in in the morning, it is about 60 degrees in here and I have to turn it up. We sort of came up with an agreement to not turn it below 70 or above 73. But then she started making the excuses of why she is warm and I am cold.
According to her she is closer to the heater. Sorry, but not buying that. There is not warm air gushing out of there like there is the AC vent. It feels warm to touch, but there is no real heat coming out. Also, according to her, I am cold because I do Bikram yoga in a hot studio.
That was too much denial for me. So I am pointing out a lot of things to her, not real blatantly, but I am not holding back and trying to be nice.
She is hot all the time because she is fat and is NOT losing any weight by going to the gym three times a week. Especially since, on a daily basis, she eats ice cream, candy, sweet rolls etc. EVERY DAY.
I am cold because I lost 41 pounds of fat and insulation and I work out HARD 6 days a week, sometimes twice and never eat that crap.
Turning down the thermostat to 66 degrees is inappropriate since we are barely making it to 60 degrees outside.
Lose some weight coworker and quit talking about it is what I like to say, but instead I am rubbing it in her face today that I am buying new smaller clothes and maybe she will realize she isn't because she is fat. She is hot becauase she is FAT.
Although when I talked about buying smaller jeans today she did say her baggy knit winter pants are getting loose. Sure, have a nice trip down DENIAL river.
See I have to protect myself. I should not have to freeze because she is fat and can't do anything but stuff food in her face. And eat a lot of processed crap. She bragged to me about burning 350 calories on the elliptical (I doubt it) in 25 minutes. I go on there to 50 minutes!
I would rather be in my place however, thinner and losing and healthy and attractive, than staying the same and not able to admit it even to myself.
I mean, she must know that she is still the same size.
But, after yesterday, all bets are off.
I am, after all, basically a not very nice person with few friends. Because I do NOT put up with bs. She pushed the bs button too far over the room temperature issue.
Since I have lost 41 pounds since September 1st, I am colder. I have always been colder than her, because she has always been fatter than me. We work in the coldest room on our floor. People come in here all the time and say how cold it is. We haven't had too much really warm weather here yet, but she keeps yanking down the thermostat to 66 degrees, because she works up a sweat going to the bathroom. So I kept turning it up. Yesterday after she had turned it back down and it was your basic icebox in this room I approached her maturely and said we need to find a moderate temperature because it is too cold and that when she has the air conditioner turned down to 66 degrees before she leaves and I then I come in in the morning, it is about 60 degrees in here and I have to turn it up. We sort of came up with an agreement to not turn it below 70 or above 73. But then she started making the excuses of why she is warm and I am cold.
According to her she is closer to the heater. Sorry, but not buying that. There is not warm air gushing out of there like there is the AC vent. It feels warm to touch, but there is no real heat coming out. Also, according to her, I am cold because I do Bikram yoga in a hot studio.
That was too much denial for me. So I am pointing out a lot of things to her, not real blatantly, but I am not holding back and trying to be nice.
She is hot all the time because she is fat and is NOT losing any weight by going to the gym three times a week. Especially since, on a daily basis, she eats ice cream, candy, sweet rolls etc. EVERY DAY.
I am cold because I lost 41 pounds of fat and insulation and I work out HARD 6 days a week, sometimes twice and never eat that crap.
Turning down the thermostat to 66 degrees is inappropriate since we are barely making it to 60 degrees outside.
Lose some weight coworker and quit talking about it is what I like to say, but instead I am rubbing it in her face today that I am buying new smaller clothes and maybe she will realize she isn't because she is fat. She is hot becauase she is FAT.
Although when I talked about buying smaller jeans today she did say her baggy knit winter pants are getting loose. Sure, have a nice trip down DENIAL river.
See I have to protect myself. I should not have to freeze because she is fat and can't do anything but stuff food in her face. And eat a lot of processed crap. She bragged to me about burning 350 calories on the elliptical (I doubt it) in 25 minutes. I go on there to 50 minutes!
I would rather be in my place however, thinner and losing and healthy and attractive, than staying the same and not able to admit it even to myself.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
FAT WOMEN ARE INVISIBLE
I have learned this lesson before on my other journeys into lower weight land. The smaller you become, the more VISIBLE you are.
When you are heavy, you are virtually invisible. People don't normally just 'talk' to you and that is especially true of men when the women are heavy. They aren't very friendly. Now, I am experiencing more 'friendliness' and I don't mean in the form of come-ons. I mean, I look much better but am approaching 50, another invisibility factor, but men, like bus drivers or men at the bus stop or yoga class are just nicer to me. I think, for men, they are fearful of being nice or friendly to a heavier woman, because they fear that it may be mistaken for attraction and they may be somewhat right. I did, many times, read more into what it really meant when a man was at all nice to me and mistook it for interest and it never was. Never ever. Don't ever kid yourself about shy men. When men know what they want, they go after it.
But being invisible is hard. It is like you don't 'count'. Society is very mean to heavy people. There were some people talking about fat women and laughing at them before yoga class last week. I was appalled and if I were still heavy, I doubt that conversation would have even taken place. This is probably normal conversation though, that I missed out on for years!
I was invisible among family and friends. When I was younger and REALLY heavy no one ever asked me if I were dating someone. They knew I wasn't! My sisters used my fatdom and single momedness to exclude me from family activities. I knew why they did it, even if they didn't admit it because they also did it to my other really heavy sister. Did it hurt? Hell yeah. I felt so bad and angry that I was already isolated and then to even have your own family isolate you even further? I am over it now and one of the sisters who engaged in this is dead. Which is also sad. And hurtful.
I can only imagine what my friends thought about me. The token fat girl friend. They were nice, but I bet they were vicious behind my back. I am sure they were. One of them, even though I have changed, still treats me like FAT DUMPY JOAN FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
Do people ever know the pain and harm they do other people? I probably do this on some level. Last week I was sitting in the weight watcher meeting thinking man are there ever a lot of FAT women here! Hardy har har. I am one of the normal looking people there. I am a thin one there.
A lot of these women look very sad and unhappy and I know they are in a lot of pain. Because I have been there. And even though they are invisible to our society in a lot of ways and are ignored and talked about when they can't here, they also are a very visible presence of what thinner people don't want to be. Thinner people, me included, look at them and think I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. And they know people think that way.
When I went to Jamaica recently I thought that about a lot of women. There were a lot of heavy women in bikinis at the resort on the beach. There were more women I DIDN'T want to look like than I DID want to look like. There were a lot of thin out of shape women I don't want to look like either. The yoga teachers were goddesses. Real goddesses. They had curves and muscle and were healthy and glowing.
What point am I getting to? Mostly that we should all approach weight loss and health from just that perspective. What do we want our visibility to show? I have a goal weight but I also have a goal body image that I think about even more. When I look in the Bikram mirror, where you can not hide from yourself, I criticque my body and notice the changes. Like last night I noticed that my waist is really whittled down, but that my arms could use more toning. Time to get out the weights again! I don't know what I will look like when I get to goal, but I do know I will keep changing and improving on what I have at that point.
I don't want to be invisible like that ever again. I count. We all count. Heavy women count too. I can't do anything about the scorn and hatred that heavy women have to live with. But I do recognize it. And I can choose to not act in that way towards anyone, including myself.
When you are heavy, you are virtually invisible. People don't normally just 'talk' to you and that is especially true of men when the women are heavy. They aren't very friendly. Now, I am experiencing more 'friendliness' and I don't mean in the form of come-ons. I mean, I look much better but am approaching 50, another invisibility factor, but men, like bus drivers or men at the bus stop or yoga class are just nicer to me. I think, for men, they are fearful of being nice or friendly to a heavier woman, because they fear that it may be mistaken for attraction and they may be somewhat right. I did, many times, read more into what it really meant when a man was at all nice to me and mistook it for interest and it never was. Never ever. Don't ever kid yourself about shy men. When men know what they want, they go after it.
But being invisible is hard. It is like you don't 'count'. Society is very mean to heavy people. There were some people talking about fat women and laughing at them before yoga class last week. I was appalled and if I were still heavy, I doubt that conversation would have even taken place. This is probably normal conversation though, that I missed out on for years!
I was invisible among family and friends. When I was younger and REALLY heavy no one ever asked me if I were dating someone. They knew I wasn't! My sisters used my fatdom and single momedness to exclude me from family activities. I knew why they did it, even if they didn't admit it because they also did it to my other really heavy sister. Did it hurt? Hell yeah. I felt so bad and angry that I was already isolated and then to even have your own family isolate you even further? I am over it now and one of the sisters who engaged in this is dead. Which is also sad. And hurtful.
I can only imagine what my friends thought about me. The token fat girl friend. They were nice, but I bet they were vicious behind my back. I am sure they were. One of them, even though I have changed, still treats me like FAT DUMPY JOAN FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
Do people ever know the pain and harm they do other people? I probably do this on some level. Last week I was sitting in the weight watcher meeting thinking man are there ever a lot of FAT women here! Hardy har har. I am one of the normal looking people there. I am a thin one there.
A lot of these women look very sad and unhappy and I know they are in a lot of pain. Because I have been there. And even though they are invisible to our society in a lot of ways and are ignored and talked about when they can't here, they also are a very visible presence of what thinner people don't want to be. Thinner people, me included, look at them and think I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. And they know people think that way.
When I went to Jamaica recently I thought that about a lot of women. There were a lot of heavy women in bikinis at the resort on the beach. There were more women I DIDN'T want to look like than I DID want to look like. There were a lot of thin out of shape women I don't want to look like either. The yoga teachers were goddesses. Real goddesses. They had curves and muscle and were healthy and glowing.
What point am I getting to? Mostly that we should all approach weight loss and health from just that perspective. What do we want our visibility to show? I have a goal weight but I also have a goal body image that I think about even more. When I look in the Bikram mirror, where you can not hide from yourself, I criticque my body and notice the changes. Like last night I noticed that my waist is really whittled down, but that my arms could use more toning. Time to get out the weights again! I don't know what I will look like when I get to goal, but I do know I will keep changing and improving on what I have at that point.
I don't want to be invisible like that ever again. I count. We all count. Heavy women count too. I can't do anything about the scorn and hatred that heavy women have to live with. But I do recognize it. And I can choose to not act in that way towards anyone, including myself.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
My Head is Reeling
Well, I was right, as usual, last Friday about coworker. After listening to another woman and I talk about our weight watcher successes and finding out another HUGE woman we work with has lost 40 pounds since January from weight watchers, she started asking about it. I even let her look at my book. However, since the weekend, she has shown no interest again. Last week she talked about going to a meeting. I doubt it will ever happen, but this morning she said she was going to put off buying new clothes until she loses MORE weight. If I had a dime for every time this woman talked about losing MORE weight. Then she said until then, she will wear the same capris she wore last summer and the summer before that and.....we are talking six years of the same clothes she has worn over and over while waiting to lose more weight. This morning, I practically fainted when she said it. I like her and would never challenge her. I probably did have people challenge me on the bs when I was heavier when I was spewing the denial crap and I probably labeled them as mean, like my mom. My mom is mean though. Now she is trying to rattle me for losing weight. Sadly, I know my coworker will NEVER lose weight, let alone MORE weight. Today she is going out for some fattening lunch and then out for ice cream later. She did a 2.5 mile walk for something last weekend and told me about the fattening lunch she had afterwards. The fact is, this woman can not let any food pass by without saying YES. NO to food is not in her vocabulary.
Actually the ice cream is part of a state wide employee appreciation thing. We don't get raises, so they give out free ice cream once a year. I never go. They can cram the ice cream up their asses in the State of Wisconsin as far as I am concerned.
So I diligently move along and do things the right way, but sometimes it is just so HARD. It is so much work and to listen to people who think a two mile walk will allow them to cram anything in their pieholes and then tell me they are losing weight? And they never get on a scale? Hard to believe I know. I log food into three places somedays. Today I am doubling my workout. 50 HARD minutes on the elliptical followed by a 90 minute session at Bikram yoga.
I am a warrior I tell ya!
Actually the ice cream is part of a state wide employee appreciation thing. We don't get raises, so they give out free ice cream once a year. I never go. They can cram the ice cream up their asses in the State of Wisconsin as far as I am concerned.
So I diligently move along and do things the right way, but sometimes it is just so HARD. It is so much work and to listen to people who think a two mile walk will allow them to cram anything in their pieholes and then tell me they are losing weight? And they never get on a scale? Hard to believe I know. I log food into three places somedays. Today I am doubling my workout. 50 HARD minutes on the elliptical followed by a 90 minute session at Bikram yoga.
I am a warrior I tell ya!
Monday, May 01, 2006
11 Pounds from Goal
I had a 1.2 loss this week which was excellent. I started adding cardio on the elliptical and have four 50 minute sessions planned a week. Wish I could make a 2 pound loss happen but oh well. Just keep doing what I am doing. I am getting close, but it is still so slow.
This is weird though. I am starting to fit in size 8s in pants and jeans. My 10s are baggy as hell. I saw the measurements of a woman on Ediets who is my height and is about 25 pounds thinner and her measurements were very similar to mine, which leads me to believe I am carrying a lot of muscle. I am going to get it measured at the gym and should make an appointment today to do that. Will be interesting.
Had a fight with fiance over the house being a mess. He doesn't see the problem and thinks everything is fine and that his kids do try. I didn't mean to pick on them again, but I get very discouraged coming home day after day to a mess in the house. Plus my daughter is coming home from college and I am trying to set up a system of chores and tv time for everyone in the house that is equal across the board but am sure there will be grumbling. I don't give a rat's ass about the grumbling but he is so worried his kids won't like him. I could care less about my kid not liking me. Lord. His kids are just lazy as hell and there mom is a pig so they don't understand the whole concept of living in cleanliness. My daughter does understand that. Part of the problem is that last summer she could never watch tv because his kids are glued to it 24/7 when they are home. I am sure they hate me for inflicting this shit on them but I don't see the point of just letting kids rule the house and do what they please. His oldest is almost 20. I told him someday he will move out and is he prepared for that at all? No. He can throw a frozen pizza in the oven and that is the extent of it. My daughter lived in a dorm all year so I know she did learn that you don't wake up in the morning and everything is there for you. She doesn't cook meals or anything like that but she does have to learn somewhat to fend for herself. My project with her this summer is to get her to start eating regular healthy meals. She starves all day and then binges with a huge amount of food. Told her she will have to learn this when she gets her own apartment and to fix yourself a sandwich or bowl of soup or she will be eating out all the time and wasting money on food or just eating chips. She is very lazy about that too, but at least I work at these issues unlike fiance who just lets his kids do as they wish and doesn't try to instill any habits in them that will aid them along in life.
I mean why do people have kids? They aren't frigging pets. Just bugs the hell out of me that his kids are so useless. I came home on Friday and the oldest was actually mowing the lawn. That is because he called his dad and wanted to go out to eat so fiance told him that he had to mow the lawn and couldn't do both so that was incentive for him to do it but that is the first time he has done it since I have been there. Anyway later I was at the convenience store and the neighbor lady was there and actually said to me she was glad to finally see one of the boys out there doing something besides their dad all the time. I told him too. I mean, yeah she was a bitch for saying that to me when I hardly know her but it is pretty bad when other people notice how useless your kids are. I see plenty of boys their age out doing stuff in the neighborhood.
Anyway, am really feeling sensitive about things since I am at this last 11 pounds. I was about this weight in high school and right before I had my baby 19 years ago. So this is low for me and I am feeling sensitive like I did during those periods. Feel like I am living through my high school insecurities all over again and it is weird and scarey. Feel like withdrawing right now from stuff and from people. Plus I have to face my family reunion at the end of the summer when I will be under my goal weight hopefully and they will not be positive or supportive and I will have to endure their jealous passive aggressive bs, especially from my dear mom.
Bee-atches. Sick of them all.
This is weird though. I am starting to fit in size 8s in pants and jeans. My 10s are baggy as hell. I saw the measurements of a woman on Ediets who is my height and is about 25 pounds thinner and her measurements were very similar to mine, which leads me to believe I am carrying a lot of muscle. I am going to get it measured at the gym and should make an appointment today to do that. Will be interesting.
Had a fight with fiance over the house being a mess. He doesn't see the problem and thinks everything is fine and that his kids do try. I didn't mean to pick on them again, but I get very discouraged coming home day after day to a mess in the house. Plus my daughter is coming home from college and I am trying to set up a system of chores and tv time for everyone in the house that is equal across the board but am sure there will be grumbling. I don't give a rat's ass about the grumbling but he is so worried his kids won't like him. I could care less about my kid not liking me. Lord. His kids are just lazy as hell and there mom is a pig so they don't understand the whole concept of living in cleanliness. My daughter does understand that. Part of the problem is that last summer she could never watch tv because his kids are glued to it 24/7 when they are home. I am sure they hate me for inflicting this shit on them but I don't see the point of just letting kids rule the house and do what they please. His oldest is almost 20. I told him someday he will move out and is he prepared for that at all? No. He can throw a frozen pizza in the oven and that is the extent of it. My daughter lived in a dorm all year so I know she did learn that you don't wake up in the morning and everything is there for you. She doesn't cook meals or anything like that but she does have to learn somewhat to fend for herself. My project with her this summer is to get her to start eating regular healthy meals. She starves all day and then binges with a huge amount of food. Told her she will have to learn this when she gets her own apartment and to fix yourself a sandwich or bowl of soup or she will be eating out all the time and wasting money on food or just eating chips. She is very lazy about that too, but at least I work at these issues unlike fiance who just lets his kids do as they wish and doesn't try to instill any habits in them that will aid them along in life.
I mean why do people have kids? They aren't frigging pets. Just bugs the hell out of me that his kids are so useless. I came home on Friday and the oldest was actually mowing the lawn. That is because he called his dad and wanted to go out to eat so fiance told him that he had to mow the lawn and couldn't do both so that was incentive for him to do it but that is the first time he has done it since I have been there. Anyway later I was at the convenience store and the neighbor lady was there and actually said to me she was glad to finally see one of the boys out there doing something besides their dad all the time. I told him too. I mean, yeah she was a bitch for saying that to me when I hardly know her but it is pretty bad when other people notice how useless your kids are. I see plenty of boys their age out doing stuff in the neighborhood.
Anyway, am really feeling sensitive about things since I am at this last 11 pounds. I was about this weight in high school and right before I had my baby 19 years ago. So this is low for me and I am feeling sensitive like I did during those periods. Feel like I am living through my high school insecurities all over again and it is weird and scarey. Feel like withdrawing right now from stuff and from people. Plus I have to face my family reunion at the end of the summer when I will be under my goal weight hopefully and they will not be positive or supportive and I will have to endure their jealous passive aggressive bs, especially from my dear mom.
Bee-atches. Sick of them all.
Friday, April 28, 2006
A MOMENT
I belive my coworker had a 'moment' yesterday. Another woman was in here working with me and she is back to weight watchers. Not going to meetings, but just doing it on her own. She was four pounds from goal last summer and then some doc probably put her on some unnecessary meds and the result was gaining all the weight back. Anyway she and I were yacking about it and I know coworker eavesdrops on everything and found out this other HUGE woman who works up here has last 40 pounds from being on weight watchers since January. I thought she looked better. I will have to compliment her next time I get a chance. Plus, this woman has a sister I don't like who works in the next building who must weigh like 400 pounds I lie not.
Anyway I asked coworker if she had heard about Kathy losing 40 pounds, which it took me since September to lose, and she asked if she was working out. Coworker joined a gym in January and hasn't lost an ounce. I think she is figuring this out. Told her I didn't know but maybe Kathy is walking or doing Curves or something. She looked a little sheepish. She must be realizing by now that working out three times a week is not resulting in any weight loss especially when you can not pass up every sweet roll and cookie that you see. There is ALWAYS food around here and she ALWAYS eats it.
Anyway I hope she had the moment. I had mine September 1st, 2005 and made a plan and moved forward NO MATTER WHAT. I did remark to the woman I was working with, loud enough for coworker to hear, that YOU HAVE TO WEIGH YOURSELF OR YOU ARE JUST IN DENIAL ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT. There is no way to know if you are losing. I don't go 100% by the scale but it is a weekly indication of something. If I gain, even .2 or whatever, I change something immediately and reevaluate what I am doing.
Also, I am sick of coworker prancing in here and telling me how much weight she is losing when it is so obvious that she is losing NOTHING. So pissed at her anyway for coming in and cranking on the air conditioner as I speak. If she lost some weight maybe she wouldn't be so hot all the time. I never acknowledge this pretend weight loss with her and just tell her that is good when she claims her clothes, which are all knits are baggy because not ONE TIME has she acknowledged my weight loss.
Maybe she had a moment. Maybe not. Will see what she brings in to eat today. I am glad for Kathy though. She is a nice lady and is very pretty. I know her whole family is heavy and that is a struggle because then every family occasion is like mine, full of crap and junky food which makes it harder. I doubt the 400 pound sister will be that supportive. I used to take the bus with her and she is extremeley patronizing and bossy for some reason.
I struggled with the idea of going raw and tried that last week and the experiment did not work. A lot of my Ediets friends are doing it successfully and that kind of bothered me that I didn't seem to have the same experience. Till I figured out why.
I realized I have no intention of making it a permanent way of life. It just isn't for me. While I strive and am successful at incorporating a lot of healthy fruits and veggies and organic foods in my diet, I don't feel like I want this as my lifestyle 100%. I talked to a friend that is a nutritionist and she agreed that while eating raw organic fruits and veggies in the diet is good, lightly steaming or sauteeing veggies is also healthy and aids in the digestion of fiber. So if I did do this over a period of time, I would really only be doing it with the intention of weight loss and would go back off it for sure and would probably gain weight back. I might lose faster, but in the long run, I do not want this lifestyle.
Today is a major busy day. The weekend is too. I have to buy my fiance his birthday presents and am buying new bedding and lamps for the bedroom so I can get more of that godawful country crap out his ex decorated with. Blech.
Anyway I asked coworker if she had heard about Kathy losing 40 pounds, which it took me since September to lose, and she asked if she was working out. Coworker joined a gym in January and hasn't lost an ounce. I think she is figuring this out. Told her I didn't know but maybe Kathy is walking or doing Curves or something. She looked a little sheepish. She must be realizing by now that working out three times a week is not resulting in any weight loss especially when you can not pass up every sweet roll and cookie that you see. There is ALWAYS food around here and she ALWAYS eats it.
Anyway I hope she had the moment. I had mine September 1st, 2005 and made a plan and moved forward NO MATTER WHAT. I did remark to the woman I was working with, loud enough for coworker to hear, that YOU HAVE TO WEIGH YOURSELF OR YOU ARE JUST IN DENIAL ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT. There is no way to know if you are losing. I don't go 100% by the scale but it is a weekly indication of something. If I gain, even .2 or whatever, I change something immediately and reevaluate what I am doing.
Also, I am sick of coworker prancing in here and telling me how much weight she is losing when it is so obvious that she is losing NOTHING. So pissed at her anyway for coming in and cranking on the air conditioner as I speak. If she lost some weight maybe she wouldn't be so hot all the time. I never acknowledge this pretend weight loss with her and just tell her that is good when she claims her clothes, which are all knits are baggy because not ONE TIME has she acknowledged my weight loss.
Maybe she had a moment. Maybe not. Will see what she brings in to eat today. I am glad for Kathy though. She is a nice lady and is very pretty. I know her whole family is heavy and that is a struggle because then every family occasion is like mine, full of crap and junky food which makes it harder. I doubt the 400 pound sister will be that supportive. I used to take the bus with her and she is extremeley patronizing and bossy for some reason.
I struggled with the idea of going raw and tried that last week and the experiment did not work. A lot of my Ediets friends are doing it successfully and that kind of bothered me that I didn't seem to have the same experience. Till I figured out why.
I realized I have no intention of making it a permanent way of life. It just isn't for me. While I strive and am successful at incorporating a lot of healthy fruits and veggies and organic foods in my diet, I don't feel like I want this as my lifestyle 100%. I talked to a friend that is a nutritionist and she agreed that while eating raw organic fruits and veggies in the diet is good, lightly steaming or sauteeing veggies is also healthy and aids in the digestion of fiber. So if I did do this over a period of time, I would really only be doing it with the intention of weight loss and would go back off it for sure and would probably gain weight back. I might lose faster, but in the long run, I do not want this lifestyle.
Today is a major busy day. The weekend is too. I have to buy my fiance his birthday presents and am buying new bedding and lamps for the bedroom so I can get more of that godawful country crap out his ex decorated with. Blech.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
FOOD
What a profound subject.
For people like myself with eating disorders it is like a 24 hour a day chat in your head. What am I going to eat, what should I get at the store, memories of good meals. It is incessant and it never stops.
Anybody ever know of or hear someone who has been on drugs and ruined their lives and wondered why don't they just STOP doing the drugs.
I think the chatter is the same only accompanied by some strong physical stuff.
Why can't Whitney Houston just STOP the drugs and kick Bobby Brown OUTTADAHOUSE.
Why can't Robert Downey JR. just say no?
Remember Nancy Reagan just say no to drugs? She just said no to food too didn't she. Simplistic and easy approach.
That doesn't work for 99% of us.
I read a post on Weight Watchers about a woman who struggled and finally got to goal. Her best always thin never had a food issue friend had not much to say on her journey down. Didn't offer a lot of support. Wasn't passive aggressive though. Which is something I am experiencing now and dealing with with NICENESS and NEVER APPROACHING THE WEIGHT LOSS SUBJECT. Anyway when this woman got to goal she sat down and talked to her long and large about what a struggle this was and that she was an emotional eater and fueled her bad feelings, pain, loneliness, what have you with SUGAR or CHOCOLATE or CHIPS.
The woman stared at her blankly while she unloaded this on her. Then the realization came to the woman who lost.
Her best friend had never experienced eating food for emotional reasons. She had never binged. She ate when she was hungry. She stopped when she wasn't. Her whole life.
What a moment that must have been. Her friend had no comprehension of what this woman's life had been like. What a lot of our lives are like?
I had a room mate in college who dated a man who belonged to AA. Occasionally they had other AA people over and they would go through mass quantities of coffee and the living room would be smokey as hell. I figured they had transferred one habit for another. But they had to QUIT the juice.
We overeaters can't quit the juice. We have to eat so every mouthful has the potential to either make our bodies fatter or thinner. When do we stop eating? What do we do when our emotions lead us to the fridge.
Actually we do pretty much the same thing, only hopefully we don't smoke. We have to find new habits and new hobbies. The food obsession never leaves though I am quite sure. I should try to experiment with just one day of eating when hungry and stopping when not. I bet it wouldn't work. I would still overeat or undereat or choose the wrong things. It would take a long time to retrain myself to be like that. Years. A life time.
For people like myself with eating disorders it is like a 24 hour a day chat in your head. What am I going to eat, what should I get at the store, memories of good meals. It is incessant and it never stops.
Anybody ever know of or hear someone who has been on drugs and ruined their lives and wondered why don't they just STOP doing the drugs.
I think the chatter is the same only accompanied by some strong physical stuff.
Why can't Whitney Houston just STOP the drugs and kick Bobby Brown OUTTADAHOUSE.
Why can't Robert Downey JR. just say no?
Remember Nancy Reagan just say no to drugs? She just said no to food too didn't she. Simplistic and easy approach.
That doesn't work for 99% of us.
I read a post on Weight Watchers about a woman who struggled and finally got to goal. Her best always thin never had a food issue friend had not much to say on her journey down. Didn't offer a lot of support. Wasn't passive aggressive though. Which is something I am experiencing now and dealing with with NICENESS and NEVER APPROACHING THE WEIGHT LOSS SUBJECT. Anyway when this woman got to goal she sat down and talked to her long and large about what a struggle this was and that she was an emotional eater and fueled her bad feelings, pain, loneliness, what have you with SUGAR or CHOCOLATE or CHIPS.
The woman stared at her blankly while she unloaded this on her. Then the realization came to the woman who lost.
Her best friend had never experienced eating food for emotional reasons. She had never binged. She ate when she was hungry. She stopped when she wasn't. Her whole life.
What a moment that must have been. Her friend had no comprehension of what this woman's life had been like. What a lot of our lives are like?
I had a room mate in college who dated a man who belonged to AA. Occasionally they had other AA people over and they would go through mass quantities of coffee and the living room would be smokey as hell. I figured they had transferred one habit for another. But they had to QUIT the juice.
We overeaters can't quit the juice. We have to eat so every mouthful has the potential to either make our bodies fatter or thinner. When do we stop eating? What do we do when our emotions lead us to the fridge.
Actually we do pretty much the same thing, only hopefully we don't smoke. We have to find new habits and new hobbies. The food obsession never leaves though I am quite sure. I should try to experiment with just one day of eating when hungry and stopping when not. I bet it wouldn't work. I would still overeat or undereat or choose the wrong things. It would take a long time to retrain myself to be like that. Years. A life time.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Bitch Stared At My Shoes On Elevator AGAIN TODAY
I'm just saying......
She did glance to see what un-sensible shoes I was wearing.
Had a great day yesterday. I am glad I am unraw for now. Made a great chili last night to take with me during the rest of the week and the timing was good. It is cold here this morning. Hope this is our last real cold spell. Was very chilly at the bus stop. Also I did 45 minutes on the elliptical yesterday. I love cardio. I really do. I need to invest in a home cardio machine but there is so much that needs to be done at our house as far as painting and yard work for now that I can't rationalize buying an expensive piece of equipment right now.
I woke up hungry. That is always good when I am looking for a big weight loss week and I am this week. I have a bunch of mini-meals planned and am going for an elliptical session prior to yoga so am being a real warrior this week. Tomorrow I am doing two yoga classes in a row.
Have to scare this fat away.
I was becoming somewhat self-satisfied with this weight loss I have had, but all of a sudden, that went away and I am faced with not-good-enoughitis. I want to be better. I feel like I am hypercritical of everyone though and keep calling other heavier women fat bitches under my breathe. I know it isn't nice.
On an off note. I love HBO tv. There is so little on the networks that have the quality of HBO series.
Last night I watched the second part of Elizabeth I. I hope Helen Mirran gets an Emmy for that one. For sure she will be nominated. What a superb actor. I suppose she will get nominated against CSI botoxed type of leading actresses in that category? I find those shoes stiff and devoid of character. I never watch network series like those ever. I do watch Lost, but do not think they have anything special in the way of actresses. That Evangeline Lilly is overrated as far as hotness. She looks like a teenage boy. Men just like her because of the extreme low rides and the whole bikini wax fantasy thing they have. The show is good, but has moved slow this year. There have been intermittent bursts of information. My step son is into their stupid message boards. Those people don't know shit.
I also love Entourage. What a great show. The guys are all cute and Jeremy Pivens steals the show. I love Matt Dillons brother too. Hilarious show.
Sopranos of course. The best tv series ever.
Now I am hooked on Big Love. My fiance was saying this show could never be on network tv since they show Bill Paxton nude with all three wives, but I think the networks would never touch the religion viewpoint. I can't think of any series ever that has seriously approached the subject of a person practicing his faith and the struggles they have with it. That is what puts this series out there. Jean Tripplethorn is great. What a beautiful woman. They probably wouldn't put her on networks unless she got super thin either. She is normal and gorgeous. Great cast. I love this show.
Remind me to quit watching network tv, except for reality. I do love Idol and Survivor still but that is about it. Oh, and the Office. Hilarious.
I am creating new tv rules for our family room this summer so the Woad boys don't hog the tv all summer. They don't know about it yet and am sure they will hate it but too bad. Oh, that is another reason I love Big Love. I am trying to convince fiance that this polygamy thing is a great idea. He could get a couple other wives, let them live in separate houses. I would like one to do cleaning and the other, hopefully find a more maternal type, for the kids to all live with. This would be great and I could get rid of him two out of every three nights. Just me and the dog and my clean house without his kids around.
I am a genius. After I get to goal, I want to be Queen of England!
She did glance to see what un-sensible shoes I was wearing.
Had a great day yesterday. I am glad I am unraw for now. Made a great chili last night to take with me during the rest of the week and the timing was good. It is cold here this morning. Hope this is our last real cold spell. Was very chilly at the bus stop. Also I did 45 minutes on the elliptical yesterday. I love cardio. I really do. I need to invest in a home cardio machine but there is so much that needs to be done at our house as far as painting and yard work for now that I can't rationalize buying an expensive piece of equipment right now.
I woke up hungry. That is always good when I am looking for a big weight loss week and I am this week. I have a bunch of mini-meals planned and am going for an elliptical session prior to yoga so am being a real warrior this week. Tomorrow I am doing two yoga classes in a row.
Have to scare this fat away.
I was becoming somewhat self-satisfied with this weight loss I have had, but all of a sudden, that went away and I am faced with not-good-enoughitis. I want to be better. I feel like I am hypercritical of everyone though and keep calling other heavier women fat bitches under my breathe. I know it isn't nice.
On an off note. I love HBO tv. There is so little on the networks that have the quality of HBO series.
Last night I watched the second part of Elizabeth I. I hope Helen Mirran gets an Emmy for that one. For sure she will be nominated. What a superb actor. I suppose she will get nominated against CSI botoxed type of leading actresses in that category? I find those shoes stiff and devoid of character. I never watch network series like those ever. I do watch Lost, but do not think they have anything special in the way of actresses. That Evangeline Lilly is overrated as far as hotness. She looks like a teenage boy. Men just like her because of the extreme low rides and the whole bikini wax fantasy thing they have. The show is good, but has moved slow this year. There have been intermittent bursts of information. My step son is into their stupid message boards. Those people don't know shit.
I also love Entourage. What a great show. The guys are all cute and Jeremy Pivens steals the show. I love Matt Dillons brother too. Hilarious show.
Sopranos of course. The best tv series ever.
Now I am hooked on Big Love. My fiance was saying this show could never be on network tv since they show Bill Paxton nude with all three wives, but I think the networks would never touch the religion viewpoint. I can't think of any series ever that has seriously approached the subject of a person practicing his faith and the struggles they have with it. That is what puts this series out there. Jean Tripplethorn is great. What a beautiful woman. They probably wouldn't put her on networks unless she got super thin either. She is normal and gorgeous. Great cast. I love this show.
Remind me to quit watching network tv, except for reality. I do love Idol and Survivor still but that is about it. Oh, and the Office. Hilarious.
I am creating new tv rules for our family room this summer so the Woad boys don't hog the tv all summer. They don't know about it yet and am sure they will hate it but too bad. Oh, that is another reason I love Big Love. I am trying to convince fiance that this polygamy thing is a great idea. He could get a couple other wives, let them live in separate houses. I would like one to do cleaning and the other, hopefully find a more maternal type, for the kids to all live with. This would be great and I could get rid of him two out of every three nights. Just me and the dog and my clean house without his kids around.
I am a genius. After I get to goal, I want to be Queen of England!
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