I was over on Beachbody reading a thread I used to like. Actually it is the turbojam thread. I love turbojam though. I bought the initial package they put out last fall and did the cardio dvds all winter but now have recently opened the sculpt dvds and they are awesome. I highly recommend this series. I haven't bought the ones they recently put out though. I am going to do P90X this summer when I am closer to goal for sculpting and nothing is more effective than this. I have tried at least one dvd of almost everything out on the market. Tony Horton's products are the best and the X is the closest thing you can get to a workout that might come close to what you would get with a personal trainer for home workouts. Seriously. This is the real thing. Plus Tony is a cutie.
Anyway I go over and read that thread every day. There are some very motivated people on there but hardly anyone has lost any weight. They all love turbojam but no real turbo success stories have been a result of this new series from any beachbody members. They all get on and post now about personal problems and to pray for them. I just have no time for them. I do understand the need to vent your personal frustrations on the thread but it is getting ridiculous and this is a distraction from really working this program and dieting.
I read a good weight watchers thread too yesterday. Talk about controversial. This woman had a problem with her 14 year old boy and wanted some information on disciplining him. Most women who answered thought he sounded like a spoiled brat and that she should be tough and not let him get away with bs. Well then this one woman chimes in that she should let her husband do that since he is the head of the household. That turned out to be a long thread after that comment. Of course she was some christian extremist it turned out. My comment was show me a household where the man can run things better than the woman. Sometimes weight loss diversions are fun.
Reminded me of my own household and I figured out why I get so ANGRY about John's kids. I have no sympathy for turds "depression and ADHD" issues because I think his shrink is a quack and putting a kid who is 14 on amphetemines and sleeping pills should be done cautiously. She prescribed them immediately. Also I don't feel sorry for him for having divorced parents. They have been divorced over three years, probably a third of his class have divorced parents, and another third have parents with such bad marital problems that their home life is probably hell and they WISH they would divorce. My daughter was raised with no father and I had to work a lot and two jobs and she had to be home alone and she didn't act like a big baby about it. Suck it up already turd. Also, even though I like the oldest kid my problem is that I am just sick of having a kid in my face all the time. Last night we were making smoothies from a ww recipe and his dad offered him one and he made some comment about he wouldn't eat it if it is some healthy stuff that tastes like crap. I mean, I just get tired of this bs on a daily basis. John OWES me this vacation for putting up with his kids all the time. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.
Everyone around my work place freaks out about the shoes I wear. I have some high heeled harache sandals today. I love shoes and love girlie shoes. The women I work with wear like Rockports and I don't own anything like that. My 90 year old mother wears them. For some reason girlie shoes freak everyone out and everyone has to mention my shoes. I mean they are just normal shoes and the shoe stores have millions of them so I am not the only one who wears girlie shoes in the world. Cripes.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
A Momentous Decision
One thing my weight loss journey has shown me is that no matter what you endeavor in life, it starts with a decision. Then you set up a plan. Then take action. Normally those easy steps will lead you to success. Things may get in your way and your plan may not always go as you thought, but it all starts with a decision.
I have been looking to the universe etc for a solution to figure out how to go to Bikram teacher training. This morning I woke up and there was the decision and now I have a plan. I will do this. My goal is to go in April 2008. That gives me two solid years to save the cash and sabbotical some vacation to take the 9 weeks off to go.
I have the plan down and now will take the action. I ran numbers. Have to talk to fiance. Guess the wedding is scaled back even further. We can get married in LA as Bikram training graduation.
The poor guy. He went to his son's therapist (Quack) to discuss the ADHD. The therapist put a huge guilt trip on poor John who does NOT deserve it. He is a doting parent to this little turd. Apparently little turd is whining, which I figured, to this therapist about John not paying attention to him 24/7. He feels he has to split him with me. I mean really. Turd is 14. I am almost never home and am either shopping or at yoga and leave him plenty of time. I was hoping the therapist would work with John and the mom on behavior but that didn't happen. It is easy to give the parents blame and the kids amphetemines. Why don't they give him some ideas on how to snap this kid out of his depression with a good kick in the hiney. Poor John doesn't discipline him the way he should because he is afraid of hurting the poor kids feelings. I told my daughter that and she laughed her butt off. Like I have ever been afraid of hurting her feelings. I was tough on her and she is tough now and can take it and dish it out. That's my girl. Like mom like daughter. Can't raise whimpy kids these days. The world is too hard and no one at school or at work cares about hurting someone's feelings.
I have been looking to the universe etc for a solution to figure out how to go to Bikram teacher training. This morning I woke up and there was the decision and now I have a plan. I will do this. My goal is to go in April 2008. That gives me two solid years to save the cash and sabbotical some vacation to take the 9 weeks off to go.
I have the plan down and now will take the action. I ran numbers. Have to talk to fiance. Guess the wedding is scaled back even further. We can get married in LA as Bikram training graduation.
The poor guy. He went to his son's therapist (Quack) to discuss the ADHD. The therapist put a huge guilt trip on poor John who does NOT deserve it. He is a doting parent to this little turd. Apparently little turd is whining, which I figured, to this therapist about John not paying attention to him 24/7. He feels he has to split him with me. I mean really. Turd is 14. I am almost never home and am either shopping or at yoga and leave him plenty of time. I was hoping the therapist would work with John and the mom on behavior but that didn't happen. It is easy to give the parents blame and the kids amphetemines. Why don't they give him some ideas on how to snap this kid out of his depression with a good kick in the hiney. Poor John doesn't discipline him the way he should because he is afraid of hurting the poor kids feelings. I told my daughter that and she laughed her butt off. Like I have ever been afraid of hurting her feelings. I was tough on her and she is tough now and can take it and dish it out. That's my girl. Like mom like daughter. Can't raise whimpy kids these days. The world is too hard and no one at school or at work cares about hurting someone's feelings.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Workin It This Week
I am doing a slim in six express diet and am doing well. I don't want to get complacent and wanted to lose a few more pounds before vacation although I feel comfortable with where I am. Plus, my clothes are all getting to be too big. I was going to go to yoga today but my back is still bothering me so will go home and do something else.
I am worried about the next few weeks. I am sure I won't lose on vacation and want to alleviate any gain. My plan is to stick with Core foods and eat a lot of protein and fruits and veggies and whatever healthy grains I can. I will have a few desserts and a lot of alcohol but we will be pretty active. I do want to enjoy myself. The week after I will have to miss weight watchers but will go back to the six day express diet or something similar.
Our weight watcher leader offered a scale challenge for the week. She wants us to weigh in on Saturday and not see the weight and then go to meeting and answer the question how did we do for the week. She is doing this challenge especially for the people who weigh in like three times a day and I will abstain. I only weigh myself at weight watchers and look forward to that every week. I already know how I am doing this week. I am sticking close to my plan and don't see myself falling off between now and Saturday. I already know that I gauge my life by the number on the scale and I am a long way from getting past the point where my weight doesn't dictate my mood and emotions. At least I am not in denial about that.
Some day I would like to go on the Core Plan when I am closer to goal, but am still at the point where "eat until you are satisfied" translates to "all you can eat". I do see a lot of people successful with that program though and feel it is healthier. However, my diet is already mostly healthy core foods. I do eat the smart ones and weight watcher desserts. Yumola. I try to stay away from processed foods for the most part. I have fresh steamed cauliflower and homemade meatloaf for lunch. My coworker has something in a box that won't satisfy her for long I am sure.
Time to eat yummy lunch.
I am worried about the next few weeks. I am sure I won't lose on vacation and want to alleviate any gain. My plan is to stick with Core foods and eat a lot of protein and fruits and veggies and whatever healthy grains I can. I will have a few desserts and a lot of alcohol but we will be pretty active. I do want to enjoy myself. The week after I will have to miss weight watchers but will go back to the six day express diet or something similar.
Our weight watcher leader offered a scale challenge for the week. She wants us to weigh in on Saturday and not see the weight and then go to meeting and answer the question how did we do for the week. She is doing this challenge especially for the people who weigh in like three times a day and I will abstain. I only weigh myself at weight watchers and look forward to that every week. I already know how I am doing this week. I am sticking close to my plan and don't see myself falling off between now and Saturday. I already know that I gauge my life by the number on the scale and I am a long way from getting past the point where my weight doesn't dictate my mood and emotions. At least I am not in denial about that.
Some day I would like to go on the Core Plan when I am closer to goal, but am still at the point where "eat until you are satisfied" translates to "all you can eat". I do see a lot of people successful with that program though and feel it is healthier. However, my diet is already mostly healthy core foods. I do eat the smart ones and weight watcher desserts. Yumola. I try to stay away from processed foods for the most part. I have fresh steamed cauliflower and homemade meatloaf for lunch. My coworker has something in a box that won't satisfy her for long I am sure.
Time to eat yummy lunch.
Monday, March 27, 2006
In My Own Tribe?
I had a friend tell me once about this book about what happens when you leave your own tribe. Wish I knew the name of the book.
Basically your tribe is your family and people you grow up that are kind of always in your life. You share a system of beliefs with them and you share similar beliefs about each other and that is hard to give up when one person changes their values from the tribes. So when one person changes, the tribe will tend to try to pull you back. I am really experiencing this with my family. My family labeled me as youngest child who is a spoiled brat for years. Now, at age 49 having raised a child as a single mom, that label no longer applies, although my sister will try to drag me back into that with stories we have heard a bazillion times over and over about how I ripped her toy due to jealousy at age 7 blah blah blah. And I can sort of tolerate this, ignore it, or change the topic.
And of course, I spent all my life as the overweight child in a family of people with food issues and I never had a husband or boyfriend due to my weight issues and became a single mom. I mean, I was the family loser. Or one of them.
Then I broke out of that mold. I have a fiance who is the best of men. Honestly he is. I will never date again if something happend, I would not date again because NO ONE could measure up. And now I have lost weight.
And my mom and sister are panicking about this. I listen to this bs all the time, but after talking to both of them this weekend, I was just boiling. This sort of meltdown can cause me to gain. It has in the past.
It is always hard when your family is not on your side.
My mom acts supportive. She told my sister, who weighs 300 lbs, about my success with weight watchers and suggested she go too. Which I know she hates. So when I called her this weekend SHE brought it up first and then proceeded to tell me that she did join a few years ago and she had a med change and when the scale at ww meeting showed a quarter pound gain, the woman weighing her in said something about her not working very hard. So she quit. She was very rude to me about this and asked what I would have done. I said I would have reported her because I never experience this and they are trained to be positive no matter what. I know one thing I wouldn't have done. Quit. Because who is that hurting. I did not say this to her, but find it strange that this is her excuse to not go. Which I would not have suggested to her. I don't tell anyone what they SHOULD do. I just told her it worked for me and maybe the women there got clicquey. I don't know. She also did not want to hear about my vacation. She changed the subject to some vacation she might do with her girlfriend. Then she proceeded to tell me how she went out to a bar with a friend one night because a guy she used to date just bought it. But he wasn't there. As I remember it, she had sort of a bad experience with this guy. And it was like 30 years ago. My sister, who is the nicest person I know, obviously thinks she can go and re-establish a relationship with him at 300 pounds and with no teeth in her mouth. She does look really bad and my mom tells her this, but this whole denial thing with her is just huge. So she is going back to find him and am sure she will be very disappointed. But I would never tell her that. It is hard to talk to someone in that state of denial, about a thousand times worse than my coworker, because someone in denial is lying to themselves all the time and then they are lying to you. Plus she is NOT supportive or happy for me with my fiance. She is jealous.
I NEVER have been jealous of siblings. Ever. My oldest sister has three homes and one is practically a mansion in Palm Beach and I have NEVER been jealous of that. But my other sister is jealous of me. I went outside the bounds of her tribal beliefs. She can't accept this. But that is her problem.
Then my mom. She has some health issues and I have been totally supportive but she practically screams at me to not lose more weight. While on the other hand she tries to use my weight loss success against my sister. That is just out and out hateful. She has a huge problem with me getting thin and healthy. I told her I had a minor back strain so she told me I shouldn't do yoga. And I shouldn't do weights.
I wonder what she thinks I should be doing with my time? Things I HATE to do? Like sew and bake which are her hobbies? I am not sure. But usually whatever I am doing is bad. She told me that lifting weights is BAD. She actually used that word. She also made a remark about hoping nothing happens to split John and I up.
HUH? Like what. We live together and have been together since we met two and half years ago. I have a big engagement ring on my finger and he is taking me to Jamaica. Are there red flags she is seeing that I am not that this relationship is going to fail? Am I living in denial?
Again, she has the problem. One thing is she doesn't think I am good enough for him. Which is also ridiculous. I pull my weight in this relationship thank you very much Jean and mom and thanks for wishing me well on my vacation. I will send a postcard okay?
I always wish the best for my daughter and am ALWAYS happy and positive and supportive with her hopes and dreams.
I am NEVER jealous. How can a mom be jealous of her kid? That is a value from my tribe I never learned. I learned these things by learning to care for me first. Now that I don't loathe myself, it is easier to not be jealous, petty, and mean. And I hope my daughter has a happy life with the best of everything she can have.
Also neither of them thought my new yoga job was cool at all. Jealous bitches. I have to always ask about my sister's painting and always encourage her and compliment her.
Anyhoo....
I did not have a loss or gain this week. I stayed even. Which is ok. I am doing the slim in six six day express this week to take off a few pounds. One week from today I will be in Jamaica.
Basically your tribe is your family and people you grow up that are kind of always in your life. You share a system of beliefs with them and you share similar beliefs about each other and that is hard to give up when one person changes their values from the tribes. So when one person changes, the tribe will tend to try to pull you back. I am really experiencing this with my family. My family labeled me as youngest child who is a spoiled brat for years. Now, at age 49 having raised a child as a single mom, that label no longer applies, although my sister will try to drag me back into that with stories we have heard a bazillion times over and over about how I ripped her toy due to jealousy at age 7 blah blah blah. And I can sort of tolerate this, ignore it, or change the topic.
And of course, I spent all my life as the overweight child in a family of people with food issues and I never had a husband or boyfriend due to my weight issues and became a single mom. I mean, I was the family loser. Or one of them.
Then I broke out of that mold. I have a fiance who is the best of men. Honestly he is. I will never date again if something happend, I would not date again because NO ONE could measure up. And now I have lost weight.
And my mom and sister are panicking about this. I listen to this bs all the time, but after talking to both of them this weekend, I was just boiling. This sort of meltdown can cause me to gain. It has in the past.
It is always hard when your family is not on your side.
My mom acts supportive. She told my sister, who weighs 300 lbs, about my success with weight watchers and suggested she go too. Which I know she hates. So when I called her this weekend SHE brought it up first and then proceeded to tell me that she did join a few years ago and she had a med change and when the scale at ww meeting showed a quarter pound gain, the woman weighing her in said something about her not working very hard. So she quit. She was very rude to me about this and asked what I would have done. I said I would have reported her because I never experience this and they are trained to be positive no matter what. I know one thing I wouldn't have done. Quit. Because who is that hurting. I did not say this to her, but find it strange that this is her excuse to not go. Which I would not have suggested to her. I don't tell anyone what they SHOULD do. I just told her it worked for me and maybe the women there got clicquey. I don't know. She also did not want to hear about my vacation. She changed the subject to some vacation she might do with her girlfriend. Then she proceeded to tell me how she went out to a bar with a friend one night because a guy she used to date just bought it. But he wasn't there. As I remember it, she had sort of a bad experience with this guy. And it was like 30 years ago. My sister, who is the nicest person I know, obviously thinks she can go and re-establish a relationship with him at 300 pounds and with no teeth in her mouth. She does look really bad and my mom tells her this, but this whole denial thing with her is just huge. So she is going back to find him and am sure she will be very disappointed. But I would never tell her that. It is hard to talk to someone in that state of denial, about a thousand times worse than my coworker, because someone in denial is lying to themselves all the time and then they are lying to you. Plus she is NOT supportive or happy for me with my fiance. She is jealous.
I NEVER have been jealous of siblings. Ever. My oldest sister has three homes and one is practically a mansion in Palm Beach and I have NEVER been jealous of that. But my other sister is jealous of me. I went outside the bounds of her tribal beliefs. She can't accept this. But that is her problem.
Then my mom. She has some health issues and I have been totally supportive but she practically screams at me to not lose more weight. While on the other hand she tries to use my weight loss success against my sister. That is just out and out hateful. She has a huge problem with me getting thin and healthy. I told her I had a minor back strain so she told me I shouldn't do yoga. And I shouldn't do weights.
I wonder what she thinks I should be doing with my time? Things I HATE to do? Like sew and bake which are her hobbies? I am not sure. But usually whatever I am doing is bad. She told me that lifting weights is BAD. She actually used that word. She also made a remark about hoping nothing happens to split John and I up.
HUH? Like what. We live together and have been together since we met two and half years ago. I have a big engagement ring on my finger and he is taking me to Jamaica. Are there red flags she is seeing that I am not that this relationship is going to fail? Am I living in denial?
Again, she has the problem. One thing is she doesn't think I am good enough for him. Which is also ridiculous. I pull my weight in this relationship thank you very much Jean and mom and thanks for wishing me well on my vacation. I will send a postcard okay?
I always wish the best for my daughter and am ALWAYS happy and positive and supportive with her hopes and dreams.
I am NEVER jealous. How can a mom be jealous of her kid? That is a value from my tribe I never learned. I learned these things by learning to care for me first. Now that I don't loathe myself, it is easier to not be jealous, petty, and mean. And I hope my daughter has a happy life with the best of everything she can have.
Also neither of them thought my new yoga job was cool at all. Jealous bitches. I have to always ask about my sister's painting and always encourage her and compliment her.
Anyhoo....
I did not have a loss or gain this week. I stayed even. Which is ok. I am doing the slim in six six day express this week to take off a few pounds. One week from today I will be in Jamaica.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Great News
My yoga studio owner offered me a chance to get free yoga in exchange for working the front desk on Wednesday night and Sunday morning. Too good of an offer to turn down since I am a yoga freak. Told her I would think about it a day but think I will take her up on it.
I have a busy weekend planned. Lots of yoga and some errands for my vacation.
Hope I have a good weigh in tomorrow. Am already starving. I do a modified Wendy version of weight watchers and zig zag my points to confuse my sluggish metabolism. The day before weigh in is a very light point day. Tomorrow evening I am having a big steak dinner on the grill with spinach salad with roasted peppers, parmesan, artichokes and balsamic dressing.
Fortunately I like to cook and don't rely too much on restaurants and convenience types of foods. I do buy the weight watcher frozen desserts. Fiance has found his way into them now and likes them too so hope he stocks up next time he grocery shops.
I have a busy weekend planned. Lots of yoga and some errands for my vacation.
Hope I have a good weigh in tomorrow. Am already starving. I do a modified Wendy version of weight watchers and zig zag my points to confuse my sluggish metabolism. The day before weigh in is a very light point day. Tomorrow evening I am having a big steak dinner on the grill with spinach salad with roasted peppers, parmesan, artichokes and balsamic dressing.
Fortunately I like to cook and don't rely too much on restaurants and convenience types of foods. I do buy the weight watcher frozen desserts. Fiance has found his way into them now and likes them too so hope he stocks up next time he grocery shops.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Uneven Weight Loss
I was right. I was noticing in the Bikram mirror the past week, that my left side is toned up and my right mid waist still has a roll. It looks disproportional to me. I thought I was nuts but just checked in the bathroom mirror. There is like this weird lump of fat on my right side I don't have on the left. I don't think I have ever had this happen. Hope that is the next fat to leave. I started doing an extra ab dvd every day, but I have missed two days. It really is firming up my midsection but I think this is almost proof about that no spot loss thing I have heard trainers talk about.
I think if you do exercise one body part over another it will get smaller to some extent.
I think if you do exercise one body part over another it will get smaller to some extent.
Getting Technical
When I was on my Ediets thread, we talked a lot about success. I saved some copies of my favorite posts from successful people and I believe the things I am applying from it are working for me. That is why I miss it. I wish I could access Ediets threads like you can on weight watchers without being a member.
One thing we talked about was having three point days. A long succession of three point days does guarantee success.
The three points are
Food-Eating within your calorie range and logging the food. I log food on the weight watcher tracker, which is way better than Fitday or any other one I have found. Of course, this translates into points rather than calories but occasionally I do log it in there so I can get a nutritional breakdown. I also write it down in my paper tracker I get at meeting every week. I am saving those for historical value and future reference.
Exercise is the second point-You can't do one without the other. Really. I tried the just exercise thing and turned into a fat-fit person. I was healthier and lost some inches but no real weight loss can ensue without proper nutrition. That is why you will even hear people lament that they trained for a marathon and didn't lose weight. I volunteer at the ironman every year and have seen super fat-fit women there. They are all muscle, with a layer of fat surrounding them. Bet they can eat a huge amount of food with the training they do.
Water is the third. This is a no brainer and non compromise thing. I have seen people put in negligible exercise with diet and get results. Seriously these people piss me off. I work out hard. But water is a given. You have to drink it. Weight watchers recommends a minimum of six glasses. I always drink more. I believe I have ranted before about weigh watcher whiners who claim to gag on it. Nuff said.
This time I decided to be patient with myself. I did not expect quick weight loss and did not set unreasonable goals. I didn't have a pending wedding or reunion to work towards. Something like that in the past has almost guaranteed me failure. I can't take the pressure of I only have three more months to lose 50 pounds. I gain under those circumstances. Seriously. This time I decided I do not care how long it takes. I have had some sloowww losses. It took me an eternity to get through the 190s.
You have to start and decide there is no finish line. If I hadn't started on September 1st and not looked back, I would not have lost 37 pounds. Am I where I want to be? No. Do I have a lot of work ahead? Yes, certainly.
Also I reward myself. I do almost every weigh in. I lost two pounds! I think I deserve new shoes! Last week I bought the most gorgeous, albeit unwarranted, Nine West sandals. Hot. I have two rewards for meeting my weight watcher goal and making lifetime. One is new Ugg boots and the other is jewelry. I told my fiance he has to do something for me. LOL He said he would take me out to eat. I said think MORE. This is big stuff.
He doesn't get it. There was a good news show about food addiction the other night and he commented that everyone has it since we have to eat. I also saw Wynonna on Larry King and she had been to a center for food addiction. She sounded great. She sounded like she got it. I know for her it is huge emotional issues and saw her on Oprah once with her sister and mom when she was a mess. They tried to be compassionate but of course they don't have a clue what it is like for her. She seems together now. It is also nice to see a celebrity not touting surgery or some gooey products but talking about real issues we all can relate to.
Anyway back to fiance He is just wrong. Told him he does not have an eating disorder and can not understand it. This is a man who can actually eat one Oreo at a time.
Well time to go over to weight watcher threads and see who is losing this week. Back later.
One thing we talked about was having three point days. A long succession of three point days does guarantee success.
The three points are
Food-Eating within your calorie range and logging the food. I log food on the weight watcher tracker, which is way better than Fitday or any other one I have found. Of course, this translates into points rather than calories but occasionally I do log it in there so I can get a nutritional breakdown. I also write it down in my paper tracker I get at meeting every week. I am saving those for historical value and future reference.
Exercise is the second point-You can't do one without the other. Really. I tried the just exercise thing and turned into a fat-fit person. I was healthier and lost some inches but no real weight loss can ensue without proper nutrition. That is why you will even hear people lament that they trained for a marathon and didn't lose weight. I volunteer at the ironman every year and have seen super fat-fit women there. They are all muscle, with a layer of fat surrounding them. Bet they can eat a huge amount of food with the training they do.
Water is the third. This is a no brainer and non compromise thing. I have seen people put in negligible exercise with diet and get results. Seriously these people piss me off. I work out hard. But water is a given. You have to drink it. Weight watchers recommends a minimum of six glasses. I always drink more. I believe I have ranted before about weigh watcher whiners who claim to gag on it. Nuff said.
This time I decided to be patient with myself. I did not expect quick weight loss and did not set unreasonable goals. I didn't have a pending wedding or reunion to work towards. Something like that in the past has almost guaranteed me failure. I can't take the pressure of I only have three more months to lose 50 pounds. I gain under those circumstances. Seriously. This time I decided I do not care how long it takes. I have had some sloowww losses. It took me an eternity to get through the 190s.
You have to start and decide there is no finish line. If I hadn't started on September 1st and not looked back, I would not have lost 37 pounds. Am I where I want to be? No. Do I have a lot of work ahead? Yes, certainly.
Also I reward myself. I do almost every weigh in. I lost two pounds! I think I deserve new shoes! Last week I bought the most gorgeous, albeit unwarranted, Nine West sandals. Hot. I have two rewards for meeting my weight watcher goal and making lifetime. One is new Ugg boots and the other is jewelry. I told my fiance he has to do something for me. LOL He said he would take me out to eat. I said think MORE. This is big stuff.
He doesn't get it. There was a good news show about food addiction the other night and he commented that everyone has it since we have to eat. I also saw Wynonna on Larry King and she had been to a center for food addiction. She sounded great. She sounded like she got it. I know for her it is huge emotional issues and saw her on Oprah once with her sister and mom when she was a mess. They tried to be compassionate but of course they don't have a clue what it is like for her. She seems together now. It is also nice to see a celebrity not touting surgery or some gooey products but talking about real issues we all can relate to.
Anyway back to fiance He is just wrong. Told him he does not have an eating disorder and can not understand it. This is a man who can actually eat one Oreo at a time.
Well time to go over to weight watcher threads and see who is losing this week. Back later.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Need For Support
Lately I miss my Ediets threads. It must be some need to be part of something and I am usually a very isolated person. I did not leave those boards because they were nonsupportive. I left them because I was using them to enable myself to lie and live in denial. Although there was some non-support issues. They treated me great while I was losing, but when I gained, I got treated kind of crappy, so I lied about being on plan. I was on plan maybe two hours a day. Every day was a start over. Plus, I was trying to practice elimination and practicing elimination meant giving up coke, so I drank like two gallons a day. It was a vicious cycle, so I quit and it took a long time for me to get back on board. This week I have had one coke. Because I didn't say no to myself and am not pretending I will never drink coke again, or that giving it up is the only way to get to goal. My Ediets thread would not support my new philosophy since those people are eliminationists so there is no point going back.
But I still miss it. I haven't found anything on weight watcher threads that I am interested in joining.
I am seven pounds from my lowest Ediets weight and some old crap is starting to try to sink in with me. I am having panic attacks again at night and am having weird dreams and not sleeping well. I feel gripped with fear. I am fearful I will get on the scale and will weight 221 again. That is my highest recorded weight although I know I was way higher before I joined Ediets. I have no clue how high. 250-260 I am thinking. I have seen pics of me at my highest. Lord! I won't even let my fiance see them although my mom seems to want to parade those out to him for some reason. I am also fearful of losing and not losing. Like I keep on plan, but I never lose any more weight.
I spend way too much time thinking about this but what is the alternative? I can't shut it out at all.
My coworker had to get weighed the other day at her doctor's appointment. She has lost 5 pounds since the last one six months ago. I encouraged her and told her a loss is a loss, but she felt bad and had hoped for more. I have been listening to her talk for three months about all this weight she thinks she is losing since joining a health club. I hope it doesn't discourage her but shows her that scale denial is a bad thing. I know that for sure. I was there for years. And years. Now I weigh in every week but spend most of Friday trying to talk myself out of it.
Two weeks from today I will be in Jamaica. Am glad as hell since it is so frigging cold here. The only place that is warm is yoga. I am not going today. My body is tired and I pulled a muscle in my back again. It will be better by tomorrow I am sure, but don't want to strain my back.
My back is realigning again. This is the second time since I have been back at Bikrams. It comes along with some muscle pain but once the muscles get repositioned with the spine I will feel great and will probably be taller again.
But I still miss it. I haven't found anything on weight watcher threads that I am interested in joining.
I am seven pounds from my lowest Ediets weight and some old crap is starting to try to sink in with me. I am having panic attacks again at night and am having weird dreams and not sleeping well. I feel gripped with fear. I am fearful I will get on the scale and will weight 221 again. That is my highest recorded weight although I know I was way higher before I joined Ediets. I have no clue how high. 250-260 I am thinking. I have seen pics of me at my highest. Lord! I won't even let my fiance see them although my mom seems to want to parade those out to him for some reason. I am also fearful of losing and not losing. Like I keep on plan, but I never lose any more weight.
I spend way too much time thinking about this but what is the alternative? I can't shut it out at all.
My coworker had to get weighed the other day at her doctor's appointment. She has lost 5 pounds since the last one six months ago. I encouraged her and told her a loss is a loss, but she felt bad and had hoped for more. I have been listening to her talk for three months about all this weight she thinks she is losing since joining a health club. I hope it doesn't discourage her but shows her that scale denial is a bad thing. I know that for sure. I was there for years. And years. Now I weigh in every week but spend most of Friday trying to talk myself out of it.
Two weeks from today I will be in Jamaica. Am glad as hell since it is so frigging cold here. The only place that is warm is yoga. I am not going today. My body is tired and I pulled a muscle in my back again. It will be better by tomorrow I am sure, but don't want to strain my back.
My back is realigning again. This is the second time since I have been back at Bikrams. It comes along with some muscle pain but once the muscles get repositioned with the spine I will feel great and will probably be taller again.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
15 Pounds From Goal
I almost chickened out of weigh in again. It was Saturday morning and I was doing all I could to convince myself to not go. I dragged my butt in and was two pounds down.
Last week I stuck to my points and exercise plan but was not mentally obsessed with it so could not believe I could have a loss. I was wrong. I don't have to kick myself in the butt mentally. The program works itself. That is nice to know.
My major stress factor, my daughter, is back to school for eight weeks until summer so I can totally obsess and sink myself into yoga and weight loss oblivion where I am truely happy.
They had my favorite episode repeat last night of Wife Swap. They swap a fitness competitor mom with a fat slob mom. I realized I am trying to be like the fitness competitor mom with the perfect home and family. I don't think I was ever as bad as the slob mom. Who can possibly believe raising a bunch of unhealthy kids who eat nothing but crap and watch tv is a good way to parent.
Oh, that is right. That would be my fiance. The light bulb moment went on and I realized I am sort of living the wife swap life. I got thrown into a planet of three males who do nothing but live like slobs, watch tv, and eat cardboard food. I have trained fiance to work out and eat healthier but his boys are hopeless. They think normal food is frozen pizzas, hot dogs, and bologna. They won't even eat real potatos. The only potato they will eat is instant potatos.
I have finally reached the point where I don't care what they eat but I do hate living in a dirty house. We live in a huge house and I am the only person who cleans. They just....are dirty and messy.
Two weeks until Jamiaca and I would like to lose another three pounds. I am eating light the rest of this week. We went out for a birthday dinner for fiance's kid on Sunday and I had a burger and fries. I don't regret it one bit either. It was delicious but filled me up too much. I never overeat anymore. I really don't. I never get stuffed and I was stuffed for the whole night.
Last week I stuck to my points and exercise plan but was not mentally obsessed with it so could not believe I could have a loss. I was wrong. I don't have to kick myself in the butt mentally. The program works itself. That is nice to know.
My major stress factor, my daughter, is back to school for eight weeks until summer so I can totally obsess and sink myself into yoga and weight loss oblivion where I am truely happy.
They had my favorite episode repeat last night of Wife Swap. They swap a fitness competitor mom with a fat slob mom. I realized I am trying to be like the fitness competitor mom with the perfect home and family. I don't think I was ever as bad as the slob mom. Who can possibly believe raising a bunch of unhealthy kids who eat nothing but crap and watch tv is a good way to parent.
Oh, that is right. That would be my fiance. The light bulb moment went on and I realized I am sort of living the wife swap life. I got thrown into a planet of three males who do nothing but live like slobs, watch tv, and eat cardboard food. I have trained fiance to work out and eat healthier but his boys are hopeless. They think normal food is frozen pizzas, hot dogs, and bologna. They won't even eat real potatos. The only potato they will eat is instant potatos.
I have finally reached the point where I don't care what they eat but I do hate living in a dirty house. We live in a huge house and I am the only person who cleans. They just....are dirty and messy.
Two weeks until Jamiaca and I would like to lose another three pounds. I am eating light the rest of this week. We went out for a birthday dinner for fiance's kid on Sunday and I had a burger and fries. I don't regret it one bit either. It was delicious but filled me up too much. I never overeat anymore. I really don't. I never get stuffed and I was stuffed for the whole night.
Friday, March 17, 2006
How Did Everyone Get So Fat!?
One morning on the bus this week there were like four HUGE women in the front where I sit. This is the Midwest but really I am noticing it more and more. There are just a lot of huge people out there. These women were basically in my age group. One had a cane. A cane at 50ish? Most of the women I work with are huge too and in my age group. I look above average and in a size 10-12 am probably one of the normal sized people. There is one woman here that is thin, but she looks like shit with a 80s hairstyle and orange makeup. Total trailor trash and I don't even talk to her.
Yesterday at the mall I was waiting for my daughter and spent a good hour people watching. At a busy mall late in the afternoon I did not see one woman that was healthy and in shape. Most of the young women in teenagers are sadly out of shape. I guess I do believe those articles and warnings now.
This country is sadly out of shape. A lot of these people were clutching Aunt Annie pretzels and high calorie Starbuck drinks too.
I spend a lot of time at the yoga studio and see a lot of scantily clothed women and men. Most of these people are in shape, especially the regulars. These people are not the norm in America. One thing I noticed is that there is a sharp difference between 40 and over and 40 and younger women. The fitness craze really hit in the 80s and a lot of the 40 and younger women are athletic looking while most of the 40 and over don't seem as fit looking and probably had spent quite some years in a sedentary lifestyle before they came over to the dark side of Bikram yoga and whatever else they do. Even Bikram says it is never too late to start.
No wonder I still look like crap at yoga, but at the mall, I looked better than most of the women I say, irregardless of age.
My scientific study of the week. LOL Evaluating who I look better than.
I did well eating this week with the stress I have been under with my daughter home. I think I am not going to weigh in this week. I have monitored my points but am just not up for the preweighin stress. I need a break. Not from eating healthy. Just a mental break. I have done three sculpt sessions, four Bikram yoga classes, and ab jam every day. I have a lot to do tomorrow too. I may change my mind though.
My daughter is going back on Sunday. Also Johns kid.
There will be no kids at my house next week. Damn that feels good to say that.
Yesterday at the mall I was waiting for my daughter and spent a good hour people watching. At a busy mall late in the afternoon I did not see one woman that was healthy and in shape. Most of the young women in teenagers are sadly out of shape. I guess I do believe those articles and warnings now.
This country is sadly out of shape. A lot of these people were clutching Aunt Annie pretzels and high calorie Starbuck drinks too.
I spend a lot of time at the yoga studio and see a lot of scantily clothed women and men. Most of these people are in shape, especially the regulars. These people are not the norm in America. One thing I noticed is that there is a sharp difference between 40 and over and 40 and younger women. The fitness craze really hit in the 80s and a lot of the 40 and younger women are athletic looking while most of the 40 and over don't seem as fit looking and probably had spent quite some years in a sedentary lifestyle before they came over to the dark side of Bikram yoga and whatever else they do. Even Bikram says it is never too late to start.
No wonder I still look like crap at yoga, but at the mall, I looked better than most of the women I say, irregardless of age.
My scientific study of the week. LOL Evaluating who I look better than.
I did well eating this week with the stress I have been under with my daughter home. I think I am not going to weigh in this week. I have monitored my points but am just not up for the preweighin stress. I need a break. Not from eating healthy. Just a mental break. I have done three sculpt sessions, four Bikram yoga classes, and ab jam every day. I have a lot to do tomorrow too. I may change my mind though.
My daughter is going back on Sunday. Also Johns kid.
There will be no kids at my house next week. Damn that feels good to say that.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Sticking With It
I am sure at some point in anyone's life, especially when we get middle aged like myself here, we look back or are holding on to some regret and we think IF ONLY I WOULD HAVE STUCK WITH X, I COULD BE Y.
This applies beyond diet of course.
If I would have stayed in this relationship, things would be better because......
If I would not have quit piano lessons, by now I would be a concert pianist.......
If I would have stayed in college, by now I would be making 150,000 a year instead of......
Fill in the blanks. Of course we don't know these things.
If I apply that to dieting, I might still be at goal weight if I had stayed on the first diet I ever went on.
I was always considered to be one of the fat kids in class, from grade school on. I was not one of those flabby fat girls, just BIG. By today's standards I would be normal because if you go look at a fifth grade class, there are way more fat kids now and by middle school, there are tons of chunky kids compared to when I was in school. My first official diet was following the weight losers diet, some early ripoff of weight watchers, that I started with my sister the summer before my sophomore year. My sister, who has always been obese, actually went to the meetings, but I did the diet with her. These diets were very restrictive in those days. There were no cheat days or free meals or extra points to swap for stuff we liked. I stuck to the letter to this diet for the whole summer. I went from approximately 160 pounds down to about 140. Looking back at those pics, I looked amazing. I got a new wardrobe of neat clothes and when I went back to school I was sure I would have a perfect life. The boys would be all over me. I would be a popular girl. None of those things happened. I remember the day exactly in English class about a month in to the school year. The boy I liked was dating a girl who weighed about a hundred pounds. I had this cute dress on with sort of a full skirt. I stood up to get something and I heard a boy say, "An elephant in a little girl dress."
This was not how I pictured I looked. I was devastated. An elephant at 5'7" 140 pounds? That is how people saw me. I never wore the dress again. Within three months I was up to 165 pounds.
I had not equipped myself and was not emotionally mature enough to handle that. If someone said that to me now, I would flatten them in no time.
Kids were harsh. They still are.
The same thing with working out. At one time I really wanted to be a bodybuilder but I felt I could not handle the diet. If I had worked at it, now I realize, I could have acheived that if I chose, but I had too much self-doubt.
You can only work at where you are at now.
I want to be an ultimate yogini. I am on my way there. At 49, I am more advanced than a lot of kids half my age. I am not too old. I am not too fat. The only thing holding me back would be to quit and I am finally mature enough to not even give that an option.
This applies beyond diet of course.
If I would have stayed in this relationship, things would be better because......
If I would not have quit piano lessons, by now I would be a concert pianist.......
If I would have stayed in college, by now I would be making 150,000 a year instead of......
Fill in the blanks. Of course we don't know these things.
If I apply that to dieting, I might still be at goal weight if I had stayed on the first diet I ever went on.
I was always considered to be one of the fat kids in class, from grade school on. I was not one of those flabby fat girls, just BIG. By today's standards I would be normal because if you go look at a fifth grade class, there are way more fat kids now and by middle school, there are tons of chunky kids compared to when I was in school. My first official diet was following the weight losers diet, some early ripoff of weight watchers, that I started with my sister the summer before my sophomore year. My sister, who has always been obese, actually went to the meetings, but I did the diet with her. These diets were very restrictive in those days. There were no cheat days or free meals or extra points to swap for stuff we liked. I stuck to the letter to this diet for the whole summer. I went from approximately 160 pounds down to about 140. Looking back at those pics, I looked amazing. I got a new wardrobe of neat clothes and when I went back to school I was sure I would have a perfect life. The boys would be all over me. I would be a popular girl. None of those things happened. I remember the day exactly in English class about a month in to the school year. The boy I liked was dating a girl who weighed about a hundred pounds. I had this cute dress on with sort of a full skirt. I stood up to get something and I heard a boy say, "An elephant in a little girl dress."
This was not how I pictured I looked. I was devastated. An elephant at 5'7" 140 pounds? That is how people saw me. I never wore the dress again. Within three months I was up to 165 pounds.
I had not equipped myself and was not emotionally mature enough to handle that. If someone said that to me now, I would flatten them in no time.
Kids were harsh. They still are.
The same thing with working out. At one time I really wanted to be a bodybuilder but I felt I could not handle the diet. If I had worked at it, now I realize, I could have acheived that if I chose, but I had too much self-doubt.
You can only work at where you are at now.
I want to be an ultimate yogini. I am on my way there. At 49, I am more advanced than a lot of kids half my age. I am not too old. I am not too fat. The only thing holding me back would be to quit and I am finally mature enough to not even give that an option.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Between Me and You
The only thing that matters in the long run is me.
I can't take care of or help anyone else unless I take care of myself first.
Today I am very agitated. My daughter is home on break and is annoying the heck out of me about wanting to buy a car. Which is ridiculous. She can't save two cents and all the while she is telling me this, she is ordering more shoes from the internet and buying something she doesn't need daily. I have no doubt she will not save enough money for this. She also has a suspended license until August due to speeding violations. Last night she wanted to take my car and this just ANNOYED me because I have made it clear, she won't be driving my car with no license.
Then my fiance's son came over for the week and he is on amphetemines for ADD and NEVER shuts up. He talked at me incessantly about nothing for 45 minutes before I excused myself and went to bed because I could not take it any more.
I am SICK of fiance having his hands all over me and the constant sexual innuendo, to be honest, is a total turn off.
Someone from our IT department annoyed me because he won't provide support for systems I am responsible for reporting on.
My coworker has been blathering about NOTHING for about 20 minutes. She, who claims to be losing weight, just went out and got a sub for lunch which she thinks is healthy and she showed it to me. It is not healthy and is LOADED with fat.
And I sort of feel like eating my shirt off today. But I am not. And that is getting easier because I can fit in my thin clothes. I am close to goal. I will not get complacent and self-satisfied with my efforts so far, which will ensue in a backslide.
I ate my fajita for lunch and am satisfied. I have south beach cookie for a snack. I am going to yoga tonight to soothe my frayed edges. They are trying to get in my way. But I WON'T let them.
Also, my Beachbody "friend" saw me Saturday and now that I am thinner than her, she is NOT providing me the support and positivity that I have given her. She said...nothing. That is okay though. It is hard when you got fatter and someone else got thinner. I HATE that when that happens.
It is lonely out here. I am not in a parade with people lining up waving, smiling, and clapping. This is a very lonely parade.
I can't take care of or help anyone else unless I take care of myself first.
Today I am very agitated. My daughter is home on break and is annoying the heck out of me about wanting to buy a car. Which is ridiculous. She can't save two cents and all the while she is telling me this, she is ordering more shoes from the internet and buying something she doesn't need daily. I have no doubt she will not save enough money for this. She also has a suspended license until August due to speeding violations. Last night she wanted to take my car and this just ANNOYED me because I have made it clear, she won't be driving my car with no license.
Then my fiance's son came over for the week and he is on amphetemines for ADD and NEVER shuts up. He talked at me incessantly about nothing for 45 minutes before I excused myself and went to bed because I could not take it any more.
I am SICK of fiance having his hands all over me and the constant sexual innuendo, to be honest, is a total turn off.
Someone from our IT department annoyed me because he won't provide support for systems I am responsible for reporting on.
My coworker has been blathering about NOTHING for about 20 minutes. She, who claims to be losing weight, just went out and got a sub for lunch which she thinks is healthy and she showed it to me. It is not healthy and is LOADED with fat.
And I sort of feel like eating my shirt off today. But I am not. And that is getting easier because I can fit in my thin clothes. I am close to goal. I will not get complacent and self-satisfied with my efforts so far, which will ensue in a backslide.
I ate my fajita for lunch and am satisfied. I have south beach cookie for a snack. I am going to yoga tonight to soothe my frayed edges. They are trying to get in my way. But I WON'T let them.
Also, my Beachbody "friend" saw me Saturday and now that I am thinner than her, she is NOT providing me the support and positivity that I have given her. She said...nothing. That is okay though. It is hard when you got fatter and someone else got thinner. I HATE that when that happens.
It is lonely out here. I am not in a parade with people lining up waving, smiling, and clapping. This is a very lonely parade.
Monday, March 13, 2006
17 Pounds Until Goal
I lost 1.2 pounds and am now 17 pounds from goal. Something very strange happened in the last few pounds. All of a sudden all of my clothes got huge. I am fitting in all of the skinny clothes I had from before. So I don't need a new wardrobe. I have one sitting in my closet. The smaller you get, the bigger difference 1 pound makes. I have made some adjustments to my workouts and am seeing the results of the few sculpting workouts I have added a week.
My new challenge between now and vacation is to do my 20 minute ab workout every day. I did it yesterday. I know I won't get flat abs, but that is still where most of the loose flesh is. It is very loose too. I also think part of my recent success is partly due to the emotional evaluation I am making. Last week I thought a lot about what being a fat person means. I mean I have spent most of life living and defining myself as a fat person.
Being a fat person mentally or physically gave me a lot of excuses to screw up my life. Because I had visible proof I am a screw up right? So since I am fat, I can also make bad choices in career, relationships, etc. My failures were all compounded by the fat I carried around. See? I am a loser and I hate my life because I am FAT.
I truely do not like myself fat and I know all of the talk says, in Dr. Phil terms, to learn to like yourself. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. But that didn't work for me. I don't like myself when I am fat. I treat me really bad when I am fat. I talk negative self-talk all the time. I feel sorry for myself.
Now I am losing all of that. And that was very consuming. It consumed my time, my health, my life. So what do I replace it with and how do I stop myself from going back to the type of self-loathing behavior that causes the yo yo dieting. I know the pitfalls.
One is my daughter.
Dealing with a stubborn 18 year old who knows everything is difficult. Yesterday I told her how I felt about a lot of things, mostly to do with, like, here you have created a problem. Like she has. What do you do? Her tendency is to create another problem to solve it. Which snowballs. Potentially into my problem. So I had to lay the groundrules again with her of what I will not accept as my problem and if her action A results in bad scenario Y, SHE has to solve that and that problem will be huge.
She calls me a hater over this because of course kids are convinced that we adults don't know what we are talking about and that we are just trying to make them unhappy. Or worse yet, ruin their fun. We are just there to rain on their parade.
This normally would send me on a tailspin of potential eating, but yesterday I didn't let it. I went upstairs and did my workout, watched tv, and she just let it go. Of course it is still eating at me that she is still leaning toward what I have absolutely no doubt is a bad decision, but the beauty of it is that at 18, I can't stop her but I don't have to pay the price.
At any rate, my mantra continues to be:
I will lose weight and get to goal no matter what it takes or how long or who or what will get in my way. I won't let that happen. I will be successful.
My new challenge between now and vacation is to do my 20 minute ab workout every day. I did it yesterday. I know I won't get flat abs, but that is still where most of the loose flesh is. It is very loose too. I also think part of my recent success is partly due to the emotional evaluation I am making. Last week I thought a lot about what being a fat person means. I mean I have spent most of life living and defining myself as a fat person.
Being a fat person mentally or physically gave me a lot of excuses to screw up my life. Because I had visible proof I am a screw up right? So since I am fat, I can also make bad choices in career, relationships, etc. My failures were all compounded by the fat I carried around. See? I am a loser and I hate my life because I am FAT.
I truely do not like myself fat and I know all of the talk says, in Dr. Phil terms, to learn to like yourself. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. But that didn't work for me. I don't like myself when I am fat. I treat me really bad when I am fat. I talk negative self-talk all the time. I feel sorry for myself.
Now I am losing all of that. And that was very consuming. It consumed my time, my health, my life. So what do I replace it with and how do I stop myself from going back to the type of self-loathing behavior that causes the yo yo dieting. I know the pitfalls.
One is my daughter.
Dealing with a stubborn 18 year old who knows everything is difficult. Yesterday I told her how I felt about a lot of things, mostly to do with, like, here you have created a problem. Like she has. What do you do? Her tendency is to create another problem to solve it. Which snowballs. Potentially into my problem. So I had to lay the groundrules again with her of what I will not accept as my problem and if her action A results in bad scenario Y, SHE has to solve that and that problem will be huge.
She calls me a hater over this because of course kids are convinced that we adults don't know what we are talking about and that we are just trying to make them unhappy. Or worse yet, ruin their fun. We are just there to rain on their parade.
This normally would send me on a tailspin of potential eating, but yesterday I didn't let it. I went upstairs and did my workout, watched tv, and she just let it go. Of course it is still eating at me that she is still leaning toward what I have absolutely no doubt is a bad decision, but the beauty of it is that at 18, I can't stop her but I don't have to pay the price.
At any rate, my mantra continues to be:
I will lose weight and get to goal no matter what it takes or how long or who or what will get in my way. I won't let that happen. I will be successful.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Everyone Is Driving Me Crazy
Don't even get me going about the home situation. I will say this. I am sick of those kids. I bargained for 50% kids living with us and it turned out to be 75%. I cleaned the floor Wednesday and it was filthy again last night and only one kid is there. My fiance has no personality himself. We never talk about anything unless it is about a tv show. I like some tv shows but need a life past that and that is enough for him. He is a loser. I don't want to get married. I am sick of coming home to a dirty floor.
I am sick of my coworkers. It has been noisy outside my office all day today and yesterday. These people are idiots. I hate them all.
My daughter is coming home for a week of spring break. Can you say high maintenance.
My coworker is the worst though. Very passive-aggressive. She joined a health club in January. Has talked for years about losing weight and never does a damn thing. She keeps talking about all of this weight she thinks she is losing but does not get on a damn scale. She will not acknowledge my weight loss. Which is too bad, because I could help her. She needs to find an eating plan and stick to it. I have watched what she has eaten here and I know, there is no way she could be losing weight.
A lot of people think a new exercise regime is enough, but it just isn't in the long term. When a sedentary person starts working out and makes that change, it is normal for them to lose a few inches, maybe a few pounds, but not much will happen past that. They will feel healthier, their blood pressure might lower, but they need to take the next step in order to really lose weight. They need to drink water and eat healthy and count calories. Period. Otherwise, they will reach a weight loss dead end and possibly give up on the working out. I mean, she only goes three times a week, which is great, but it has only been a couple of months and she is talking about how loose her clothes are. They really aren't. She is also yacking about her stomach not going down. Duh. She is eating pizza for lunch with coke. Not sure what her breakfast was, probably cereal or something, but she doesn't eat enough fruit and veggies and lean proteins. I feel bad for her, because I have been in her shoes.
I started working out to lose weight when my daughter was younger. I worked out hard. I did lose inches, but because I didn't change my eating habits, I just didn't get the results I wanted. Until I joined Ediets. I joined Ediets and got menu plans, shopping lists, and joined challenges. I started walking at lunch outside every day. I was the slowest walker on the path. Everyone passed me, young and old and fat and slim. My goal was to some day pass someone. That took a long time. Eventually I started running. I didn't even weigh in for my first 7 or so months on Ediets. I was about a size 22. I still have no idea how much I weighed. I got down to about a 14. I weighed in and was 208. Could not believe it. I thought for sure I was under 200. My scale denial.
I still hate weigh in day and am in my usual preday song and dance. This week I decided I am not going to go ballistic over a possible gain. My clothes are getting looser. This is a slow process. I am down about 34 pounds and potentially would like to lose 34 more. Those are going to be hard pounds to lose. I will have to dig down deep and do some hard work. I will have to exercise harder and eat cleaner than clean, but I am relentless about this and I am going to do this no matter what it takes. I don't care how long it takes or what or who tries to get in my way. I blammoed last September 1st at 221.5 pounds. There have been no start overs since then. Just straight forward. Move head.
I am sick of my coworkers. It has been noisy outside my office all day today and yesterday. These people are idiots. I hate them all.
My daughter is coming home for a week of spring break. Can you say high maintenance.
My coworker is the worst though. Very passive-aggressive. She joined a health club in January. Has talked for years about losing weight and never does a damn thing. She keeps talking about all of this weight she thinks she is losing but does not get on a damn scale. She will not acknowledge my weight loss. Which is too bad, because I could help her. She needs to find an eating plan and stick to it. I have watched what she has eaten here and I know, there is no way she could be losing weight.
A lot of people think a new exercise regime is enough, but it just isn't in the long term. When a sedentary person starts working out and makes that change, it is normal for them to lose a few inches, maybe a few pounds, but not much will happen past that. They will feel healthier, their blood pressure might lower, but they need to take the next step in order to really lose weight. They need to drink water and eat healthy and count calories. Period. Otherwise, they will reach a weight loss dead end and possibly give up on the working out. I mean, she only goes three times a week, which is great, but it has only been a couple of months and she is talking about how loose her clothes are. They really aren't. She is also yacking about her stomach not going down. Duh. She is eating pizza for lunch with coke. Not sure what her breakfast was, probably cereal or something, but she doesn't eat enough fruit and veggies and lean proteins. I feel bad for her, because I have been in her shoes.
I started working out to lose weight when my daughter was younger. I worked out hard. I did lose inches, but because I didn't change my eating habits, I just didn't get the results I wanted. Until I joined Ediets. I joined Ediets and got menu plans, shopping lists, and joined challenges. I started walking at lunch outside every day. I was the slowest walker on the path. Everyone passed me, young and old and fat and slim. My goal was to some day pass someone. That took a long time. Eventually I started running. I didn't even weigh in for my first 7 or so months on Ediets. I was about a size 22. I still have no idea how much I weighed. I got down to about a 14. I weighed in and was 208. Could not believe it. I thought for sure I was under 200. My scale denial.
I still hate weigh in day and am in my usual preday song and dance. This week I decided I am not going to go ballistic over a possible gain. My clothes are getting looser. This is a slow process. I am down about 34 pounds and potentially would like to lose 34 more. Those are going to be hard pounds to lose. I will have to dig down deep and do some hard work. I will have to exercise harder and eat cleaner than clean, but I am relentless about this and I am going to do this no matter what it takes. I don't care how long it takes or what or who tries to get in my way. I blammoed last September 1st at 221.5 pounds. There have been no start overs since then. Just straight forward. Move head.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
2 Days B4 Weigh In
The festivities have started.
Drinking about nine gallons of water. Swearing off all sodium. I eat very light starting Thursday. I will have all my food eaten before yoga today, which is a necessity so I don't pass out during the class. That means I have all evening with no food. I will wake up hungry and tomorrow will be a light day. Will probably carb up a little late in the afternoon so I don't get too starving.
I am not having a good week as far as the bathroom goes. I have eaten a ton of fiber but am somewhat constipated. I do better on weeks where things are moving should we say.
Drinking about nine gallons of water. Swearing off all sodium. I eat very light starting Thursday. I will have all my food eaten before yoga today, which is a necessity so I don't pass out during the class. That means I have all evening with no food. I will wake up hungry and tomorrow will be a light day. Will probably carb up a little late in the afternoon so I don't get too starving.
I am not having a good week as far as the bathroom goes. I have eaten a ton of fiber but am somewhat constipated. I do better on weeks where things are moving should we say.
Monday, March 06, 2006
18 Pounds Until Goal
I took off the unsubstantiated weight gain of 1.4 from the week before plus another. Gee, did I mention that gain enough last week? I love tracking that pounds until goal. Considering I am 34 down, 52 pounds until goal did not sound good. I hated that.
I am down into a firm size ten pant for the most part. It is still snug in the tummy, so I have to keep working at the ab-flab.
Four weeks from today I will be in Jamaica and am setting a goal of losing six pounds by then. I ate quite a bit of my flex points over the weekend and enjoyed 8 points worth of merlot yesterday thank you very much, so the rest of the week will be the chicken veggie soup I made in the crock, lots of veggies, and fish.
I am down into a firm size ten pant for the most part. It is still snug in the tummy, so I have to keep working at the ab-flab.
Four weeks from today I will be in Jamaica and am setting a goal of losing six pounds by then. I ate quite a bit of my flex points over the weekend and enjoyed 8 points worth of merlot yesterday thank you very much, so the rest of the week will be the chicken veggie soup I made in the crock, lots of veggies, and fish.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Yoga Obsession
I am not an obsessive person normally and never get too excited about much, but I am nutso over Bikram yoga. Although it is the major part of my fitness regime right now and very time consuming, that is not why I do it. I do realize weights and cardio are essential too. I get great results from that combo and am fitting them in even though it is hard when you practice yoga 90 minutes a day.
Last January I injured my miniscus cartilage in my right knee. I had previously torn my left one years ago and never had surgery on that one but this time I was really taken down with it. It was very painful and swollen. My right knee was twice as big as the other one. I had lost mobility and spent weeks with my knee up. Getting up and down was hard. Steps were impossible. I had an MRI and then had a call about the surgery. Instead of wanting to repair it they wanted to cut out the whole thing. They told me to go ahead and schedule surgery at my convenience.
WHAAA???
I mean I had a ton of questions and they had someone from pt call me. Basically when I asked the outcome and future etc, they basically didn't know. Would I be able to do yoga? Maybe, to some extent. Can I walk? Maybe. Run? Maybe.
I did not immediately schedule surgery. No way. I saw this is an easy way out for them and I was not comfortable with it. I wanted better answers. I knew Bikrams had helped me out with my back before, but knew I was nowhere close to being up to a yoga class. After the MRI, I decided to try to self-rehab my knee like I had my other one. I started by walking over to the gym at lunch that is a couple of blocks away. At the time, the walk over there was difficult and I had to walk up two flights of steps to get to a cardio room. I didn't go on the treadmill. That is where I got injured while I was walking on an incline. I had been running on the damn thing for years, but the day I walked was the day I got hurt. I tried the elliptical but that was no go, so I opted for the stationary bike. I think I went about ten minutes the first day and hurt afterwards. But I went back. In a couple of months I had worked my way up to going back for 30-40 on the elliptical. The pain was going away, the swelling still came and went, and the mobility was slowly coming back. Then I added back light weights. After a period of time I was getting better and then I plateaued. I still had pain, had about 50 % of the mobility back, and some swelling. I was beginning to think I wouldn't get better.
So I did research. Seems most people have the frigging surgery. Then I found a web site saying the reason cartilage can't heal is because there is no blood flow. So basically you tear it and it is like that forever. Then I remembered something that a yoga instructor had said about the tourniquet effect of the Bikram poses being about blood flow and several poses are knee specific. So I thought, I know with all of this swelling that there is a lot of injured tissue in this knee and any blood I can get flowing around it might further the healing process. So back to yoga I went.
I remember the first class, because it was the same day as my blammo weigh in at 221. I had gained a lot of weight during this injury period. Lots, so here I am trying to stand on one leg and have all this extra weight and am trying to self-rehab an injury. I was not in denial enough at that point to not realize the weight was a huge factor and contributed to the injury.
The first day back I was able to do quite a bit. I had a couple of poses, fixed firm and awkward pose which were impossible. I mean, my knee only would bend to about 90%. I decided to give it a six month try and signed up for a six month plan.
I went almost every day. I was being very careful and tentative to not injure it worse. I had doubts that first month because it was very swollen again. I thought maybe I had been wrong.
But slowly the mobility came back. Right now it is six months later. My mobility is back to about98%. I can do all the poses. I have lost weight. The swelling is gone.
There is no way I would consider surgery.
Knock on wood that I don't injure the knee again. It was the Bikrams though that spared me losing all the cartilage in my knee and am convinced if I had done that I would be looking at a knee replacement in 15 years. I also lost 33 pounds or so.
A lot of other good things happened. About two months ago I was experiencing back pain again and then my spine shifted, and my pelvic area reshifted. There was a lot of pain associated with it and now, no pain.
Now I am able to train with heavier weights again, but probably will not ever try to run again. I guess Bikram has a saying that goes something like you can swear at the gods but don't mess with your knees. Amen.
Last January I injured my miniscus cartilage in my right knee. I had previously torn my left one years ago and never had surgery on that one but this time I was really taken down with it. It was very painful and swollen. My right knee was twice as big as the other one. I had lost mobility and spent weeks with my knee up. Getting up and down was hard. Steps were impossible. I had an MRI and then had a call about the surgery. Instead of wanting to repair it they wanted to cut out the whole thing. They told me to go ahead and schedule surgery at my convenience.
WHAAA???
I mean I had a ton of questions and they had someone from pt call me. Basically when I asked the outcome and future etc, they basically didn't know. Would I be able to do yoga? Maybe, to some extent. Can I walk? Maybe. Run? Maybe.
I did not immediately schedule surgery. No way. I saw this is an easy way out for them and I was not comfortable with it. I wanted better answers. I knew Bikrams had helped me out with my back before, but knew I was nowhere close to being up to a yoga class. After the MRI, I decided to try to self-rehab my knee like I had my other one. I started by walking over to the gym at lunch that is a couple of blocks away. At the time, the walk over there was difficult and I had to walk up two flights of steps to get to a cardio room. I didn't go on the treadmill. That is where I got injured while I was walking on an incline. I had been running on the damn thing for years, but the day I walked was the day I got hurt. I tried the elliptical but that was no go, so I opted for the stationary bike. I think I went about ten minutes the first day and hurt afterwards. But I went back. In a couple of months I had worked my way up to going back for 30-40 on the elliptical. The pain was going away, the swelling still came and went, and the mobility was slowly coming back. Then I added back light weights. After a period of time I was getting better and then I plateaued. I still had pain, had about 50 % of the mobility back, and some swelling. I was beginning to think I wouldn't get better.
So I did research. Seems most people have the frigging surgery. Then I found a web site saying the reason cartilage can't heal is because there is no blood flow. So basically you tear it and it is like that forever. Then I remembered something that a yoga instructor had said about the tourniquet effect of the Bikram poses being about blood flow and several poses are knee specific. So I thought, I know with all of this swelling that there is a lot of injured tissue in this knee and any blood I can get flowing around it might further the healing process. So back to yoga I went.
I remember the first class, because it was the same day as my blammo weigh in at 221. I had gained a lot of weight during this injury period. Lots, so here I am trying to stand on one leg and have all this extra weight and am trying to self-rehab an injury. I was not in denial enough at that point to not realize the weight was a huge factor and contributed to the injury.
The first day back I was able to do quite a bit. I had a couple of poses, fixed firm and awkward pose which were impossible. I mean, my knee only would bend to about 90%. I decided to give it a six month try and signed up for a six month plan.
I went almost every day. I was being very careful and tentative to not injure it worse. I had doubts that first month because it was very swollen again. I thought maybe I had been wrong.
But slowly the mobility came back. Right now it is six months later. My mobility is back to about98%. I can do all the poses. I have lost weight. The swelling is gone.
There is no way I would consider surgery.
Knock on wood that I don't injure the knee again. It was the Bikrams though that spared me losing all the cartilage in my knee and am convinced if I had done that I would be looking at a knee replacement in 15 years. I also lost 33 pounds or so.
A lot of other good things happened. About two months ago I was experiencing back pain again and then my spine shifted, and my pelvic area reshifted. There was a lot of pain associated with it and now, no pain.
Now I am able to train with heavier weights again, but probably will not ever try to run again. I guess Bikram has a saying that goes something like you can swear at the gods but don't mess with your knees. Amen.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
The Shroud of Self-Doubt
I promise I will bloglite tomorrow.
So here you are, at a heavy weight and you have the moment of this is it! I think for the most successful weight loss people they have a moment or they hit rock bottom and they make a huge DECISION to leave this place they are at. They make a COMMITMENT. The commitment to a program and to themselves and then they work at it.
So there you are standing on your own wearing a fat suit, a coak of denial, and a shroud of self-doubt. That is a lot of baggage. And you start out. You are successful almost right away. The first thing to go is the fat suit. Really, that is almost the easiest. The worst part about starting out on a weight loss journey is that you lose really fast right away normally and you have some good consistent losses. You are slowly convincing yourself that you can do this, but no one really knows. Unless you are lucky to have your own cheerleader along and that is rare. I do not have any cheerleaders. That is why they often tell you to find a weight loss buddy. I just read an article on why that is a good idea. Here is why I don't think it works.
1. Undoubtedly you won't both have the same level of commitment.
2. Statistically one is likely to drop out. So either you or your buddy won't last a month.
3. Jealousy. That is right. One person loses more than the other. It will be hard for the other person to be supportive.
Probably my best cheerleaders right now are the women at weight watchers who do the weighins. They applaud even the smallest loss and point out that I have been losing now for months consistently and am definitely doing good. They don't get made when I practically rip their heads off over a gain, like last week's unsubstantiated one.
So, if you have a buddy or a cheerleader that is good for you. I have had a hard time because I am a loner at heart. I already wrote a post why support threads don't work for me except I noticed there is finally a good one on Beachbody where people are posting their daily food intake. Some of them are doing weight watchers and counting points too. I don't normally see that on their threads. There are small "clicques" over there that kind of have a leader, who has usually been successful and has acheived an idolatrous status among their groupies, and the majority of the people who phone it in or whine about how their personal problems are holding them back. I think menu threads are usefull. They show some accountability and are good for menu/recipe ideas.
Anyway, the beginning of the journey is usually wonderful because SUCCESS is important. You have to have a reward for your hard work. Losing weight feels great. It just does.
Then the hard part, you are losing the weight and then something happens, like a personal problem or the holidays or an unsubstantiated gain like last week, then all of a sudden it is HARD.
There you are with a little less fat suit to protect you and maybe some of the cloak of denial, but you are still covered with the shroud of self-doubt. What to do.
I find at this point you can only continue if you face that too. You have to evaluate something about yourself. You have to dredge up old memories and do some emotional work, because if you want to get rid of all this PROTECTION you have had, guess what is left under it. Your real self.
So here you are, at a heavy weight and you have the moment of this is it! I think for the most successful weight loss people they have a moment or they hit rock bottom and they make a huge DECISION to leave this place they are at. They make a COMMITMENT. The commitment to a program and to themselves and then they work at it.
So there you are standing on your own wearing a fat suit, a coak of denial, and a shroud of self-doubt. That is a lot of baggage. And you start out. You are successful almost right away. The first thing to go is the fat suit. Really, that is almost the easiest. The worst part about starting out on a weight loss journey is that you lose really fast right away normally and you have some good consistent losses. You are slowly convincing yourself that you can do this, but no one really knows. Unless you are lucky to have your own cheerleader along and that is rare. I do not have any cheerleaders. That is why they often tell you to find a weight loss buddy. I just read an article on why that is a good idea. Here is why I don't think it works.
1. Undoubtedly you won't both have the same level of commitment.
2. Statistically one is likely to drop out. So either you or your buddy won't last a month.
3. Jealousy. That is right. One person loses more than the other. It will be hard for the other person to be supportive.
Probably my best cheerleaders right now are the women at weight watchers who do the weighins. They applaud even the smallest loss and point out that I have been losing now for months consistently and am definitely doing good. They don't get made when I practically rip their heads off over a gain, like last week's unsubstantiated one.
So, if you have a buddy or a cheerleader that is good for you. I have had a hard time because I am a loner at heart. I already wrote a post why support threads don't work for me except I noticed there is finally a good one on Beachbody where people are posting their daily food intake. Some of them are doing weight watchers and counting points too. I don't normally see that on their threads. There are small "clicques" over there that kind of have a leader, who has usually been successful and has acheived an idolatrous status among their groupies, and the majority of the people who phone it in or whine about how their personal problems are holding them back. I think menu threads are usefull. They show some accountability and are good for menu/recipe ideas.
Anyway, the beginning of the journey is usually wonderful because SUCCESS is important. You have to have a reward for your hard work. Losing weight feels great. It just does.
Then the hard part, you are losing the weight and then something happens, like a personal problem or the holidays or an unsubstantiated gain like last week, then all of a sudden it is HARD.
There you are with a little less fat suit to protect you and maybe some of the cloak of denial, but you are still covered with the shroud of self-doubt. What to do.
I find at this point you can only continue if you face that too. You have to evaluate something about yourself. You have to dredge up old memories and do some emotional work, because if you want to get rid of all this PROTECTION you have had, guess what is left under it. Your real self.
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