Need For Support

Lately I miss my Ediets threads. It must be some need to be part of something and I am usually a very isolated person. I did not leave those boards because they were nonsupportive. I left them because I was using them to enable myself to lie and live in denial. Although there was some non-support issues. They treated me great while I was losing, but when I gained, I got treated kind of crappy, so I lied about being on plan. I was on plan maybe two hours a day. Every day was a start over. Plus, I was trying to practice elimination and practicing elimination meant giving up coke, so I drank like two gallons a day. It was a vicious cycle, so I quit and it took a long time for me to get back on board. This week I have had one coke. Because I didn't say no to myself and am not pretending I will never drink coke again, or that giving it up is the only way to get to goal. My Ediets thread would not support my new philosophy since those people are eliminationists so there is no point going back.
But I still miss it. I haven't found anything on weight watcher threads that I am interested in joining.
I am seven pounds from my lowest Ediets weight and some old crap is starting to try to sink in with me. I am having panic attacks again at night and am having weird dreams and not sleeping well. I feel gripped with fear. I am fearful I will get on the scale and will weight 221 again. That is my highest recorded weight although I know I was way higher before I joined Ediets. I have no clue how high. 250-260 I am thinking. I have seen pics of me at my highest. Lord! I won't even let my fiance see them although my mom seems to want to parade those out to him for some reason. I am also fearful of losing and not losing. Like I keep on plan, but I never lose any more weight.
I spend way too much time thinking about this but what is the alternative? I can't shut it out at all.
My coworker had to get weighed the other day at her doctor's appointment. She has lost 5 pounds since the last one six months ago. I encouraged her and told her a loss is a loss, but she felt bad and had hoped for more. I have been listening to her talk for three months about all this weight she thinks she is losing since joining a health club. I hope it doesn't discourage her but shows her that scale denial is a bad thing. I know that for sure. I was there for years. And years. Now I weigh in every week but spend most of Friday trying to talk myself out of it.
Two weeks from today I will be in Jamaica. Am glad as hell since it is so frigging cold here. The only place that is warm is yoga. I am not going today. My body is tired and I pulled a muscle in my back again. It will be better by tomorrow I am sure, but don't want to strain my back.
My back is realigning again. This is the second time since I have been back at Bikrams. It comes along with some muscle pain but once the muscles get repositioned with the spine I will feel great and will probably be taller again.