Cloak of Denial

The appropriate coat to wear over your fat suit is the cloak of denial. I was reading some motivational stuff I have from some successful people. Old posts from Ediets mostly from some people who did it right and were successful. I was reading a particularly good one about denial. This sent me into a tailspin about the denial I lived in for years. Now unwrapping the cloak is sometimes painful. I think my gain last week was my body's resistance. To my own self doubt. I doubted I was in the 180s so I went back to 190, but I know I didn't do it through eating. The 190s were about fear. The 180s are about self doubt. I am trying to use visualization to tell myself it is okay to believe I can have a small waist.
That is part of the denial that is really strange. I used to tell myself there is no point dieting, because I will never be a small person, wear small clothes, or have a small waist. So there was no point really. The self-sabotage is my only choice as I get smaller because I have spent years denying it could happen or was possible. Now, I have to allow myself to do it.
The worst denial I lived in was scale denial. I would diet down to lesser weight and then quit weighing in because I was FEARFUL it wasn't real. So I would convince myself I was whatever the last weight was, refuse to get on the scale, and then end up gaining 30 plus pounds. There were periods when I stayed off the scale for year. Everyone says it is just a number, but seeing my reaction to the imaginary glom on last Saturday shows me it is more than that to me and I have to pay attention to it. I mean I literally ran out of the weight watchers meeting crying and upset, ran home, sat on the couch, had a hissy fit with df. Today I thought about getting on the scale but could not do it. Because it could have ruined my day again. I decided to stick with my plan for the week and then go to ww on Saturay and hopefully it will be better. I know last winter at this time, I weighted 15-20 pounds heavier and stuffed myself every day into two pairs of size 12 pants. I hated washing them. They were stretch denim too. I was not happy last year. This year my size 10s are getting loose, and I am still not happy. Remembering last winter is painful.
My other big denial problem is that when I am fat, I pretend I am not. I have seen pictures of myself when my daughter was small and family reunions and I was frigging HUGE. But I had myself convinced I was fit, because I exercised. I had myself convinced I looked good because I was fit and because I was fit and strong, I didn't really looked fat.
That was a lie I told myself though. I would even brag about this to people. How fit I was. Now, I think that is just sad, but it is also painful to think about. Those pics don't lie though and I seldom let anyone take pics of me. But they are there. I don't even want df to see them.
So taking the cloak of old denial off means going back, examining what I did, feeling the pain, and then letting it go. I know I probably still live in some denial about things, but I think I am honest about the weight thing. (I am just not honest about the I don't care that my daughter is not playing basketball thing though. LOL)
This week I am doing the 6 day express diet. It is low calorie, but I am not starving. If I am starving tonight, I will eat something.