Happy Halloween

Yesterday I did not mean to put up a whiney blog, more of a warning. When I was obese and overweight I read blogs on people who were successful like crazy. I really thought the key to happiness is thinness. And it is in a way, but it does not solve problems. The problems are still there. You just have new coping mechanisms other than eating your way through them. Eating your way through a problem is a problem. And it solves nothing. It creates another problem, fat.
Changing this behavior is difficult because your impulse is to reach for x when y happens. Lately I have a lot of x things happening and am struggling to not engage in y behavior. Today is a difficult day for a lot of us battling with our food addictions. Work places everywhere are having their Halloween potlucks. Our copy room right now is full of cookies, brownies, chips, candy, and crocks full of cheesey gooey stuff.
The last few times I participated I literally ate myself silly. Work potlucks were an excuse to blow a diet I wasn’t really on. I would start the next day. So I would literally not stop eating all day and by the end of the day I felt so sick, that sometimes I would go home and get sick. At weight watcher meeting last Saturday they discussed the coming holiday season and everyone talked about ‘bringing a healthy dish to pass’, but I know this doesn’t work for me. There will be one or two fruit or veggie trays but my tendency will be to overindulge in something or pick up something I shouldn’t. So I had to quit participating. Today I am going to take a long lunch and do an elliptical session at the gym.
So don't look here for the key to happiness. I know it isn't in a cookie though. I have size 8 pants on today so would not even consider joining in the fun.
I have to say this is isolating me. For some reason it seems like no one likes me right now. I have no friends at work. I have one good friend who has been superweird about my weight loss and now she seems to be avoiding me. I was at teacher training yesterday and some of the people there were not being that friendly. I wonder what it is about my personality. Maybe I come on too strong? Know it all? I don't know, but I do feel isolated from a lot lately. My fiance hardly ever talks so he isn't exactly helpful. The kids are gone this week and he won't do anything all weekend but watch football. We might go to a movie. I love him, but he is boring as hell and my yoga workshop got frigging cancelled.
Next weekend I am having a chili party though with a few of our friends, including the woman who is passive aggressive about my weight loss. The thing is. She weighs about 105 lbs and never has had a weight issue. She keeps telling me not to lose more and not to buy more clothes and a lot of other crap I don't appreciate. So I do not have a 3d support system at all. Including my family. My mom is the worse.
Sigh.

BEING THIN DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY

If anyone thinks the key to happiness is being thin, they are out of their mind. I am no longer fat, but still have a lot of problems.
I feel super lonely and have no friends. I have financial problems and am desperately working to get out of them and that is whole other struggle. My mom is on my case even more now that I am thin. My daughter treats me like a total piece of crap. My fiance has no personality and didn't say two words to me all weekend unless it was to talk about his kid.

Yup Building Muscle and Burning Fat

Thanks for the comments on body fat. I think you are absolutely right. I actually did a body fat test about six weeks ago and was at 21.6%. I am going to have it measured again in December.
I am still doing the P90X program but have changed up the cardio. The cardio dvds that come with this set honestly don’t elevate my heart rate that much. I think they actually contribute to my muscle growth. In order to curtail that somewhat, I am incorporating elliptical for three hours a week. The next couple of weeks should reflect the effect that has on weight. I did a killer lower body workout Sunday and was really sore Monday and Tuesday. I did yoga Monday and elliptical yesterday and it made my legs look really cut. Today I am doing elliptical and upper body weights tonight. I have a lot of yoga planned for the weekend since I did not get there today and tomorrow due to car issues.
I do love my fiancé to death. I have dated every type of total asswipe out there and if we broke up, I would never date again. Honestly. I think the problem is two fold and has to do with me. I am used to just dealing with my daughter and now that she lives away at college, I just don’t feel like dealing with kids in my face all the time. He has no choice in the matter, so I tend to distance myself. I have never lived with this many men and just don’t feel like watching a lot of football to get in the family time. Plus their movie interests are waayyyy different from mine. On Friday nights for instance, they tend to sit around and watch Star Wars or hero/adventure movies, so I just cart my ass off to yoga to get away from it. So maybe I am being selfish. I don’t know. Fiance is totally supporting and loving and lets me do what I want. I guess I would like to be with more of a soul mate type of man that will go to yoga with me like other couples do but he is just not that into it. He likes to watch hours of football every weekend and I can’t do that.
I guess it is what it is, but I do love him to death and couldn’t live without him. Well, that is not true. If I were to live without him I would live without any man. I could do without men. No doubt about it.

Can't Believe It Has Been So Long

Wow. I am still doing P90x. Not losing weight, but am losing inches. It seems like my weight should budge a little, but I seem stuck and it is driving me crazy.
I lost pretty consistently until I hit goal. I am now four pounds below but feel there is definitely extra fat to lose. I am working out super hard too.
Feel kind of out of it though. I don't have a real good support system and feel isolated even though I am the one isolating myself from family and fiance. We are just not on the same page as far as goals or mutual interests right now. He is focused on kids and I am focused on self-improvement. He seems happiest around the kids and I have disengaged myself. My kid isn't in my face every day so just don't feel like being around his either. I know that is selfish, but that is the way it is. Luckily he doesn't complain or seem to mind.
Last Saturday for instance he went to the youngest kids last cross country meet of the year. It was cold out and I hate being outside. I ran around, shopped, went to two yoga classes, and kind of felt bad. He always tries to come with me for something to do with my daughter but I just didn't make the effort. He goes to church alone on Sunday while I go to yoga. I feel very selfish but in order to reach my goals. I could ride around with him and sit on the couch entertaining kids but I would get fat if I did that.
Oh well. I am what I am.

Its Not About the Fat

How we define ourselves.
Defines how we live.
It states what we emphasize on the road to whatever our lives amount to.
If you define yourself as a mom first, then that is always your priority. If you define yourself as a wife first, then you will always put your mate before yourself. If you define yourself as a career person (attorney, secretary, firemen, etc) then your work defines you.
I also believe it can make us out of balance. For example, the best doctor in the world may be the worst husband and father. The best student in law school may have no friends and be uncomfortable in a social situation. The best mom in the world may treat herself very poorly.
Maybe these people are successful at the roles they use to define themselves. But are they happy?
Maybe.
Maybe being the best doctor or mom fulfills you and this is what you believe your destiny in life is. You have the dream job and it is everything you expected.
Or, maybe not.
Then you are unbalanced.
I believe we live in a society where most of us are unbalanced due to the complexity of our society and the expectations we have of ourselves.
We have to do it all and be it all.
Being the best doctor in the world may make it impossible to be the best father. This may create guilt or unhappiness at missing out on something.
We can’t do it all.
As a woman in this society I have not only experienced this but see it every day. I am sure men believe it is true, but I think most women lead lives that are unbalanced because they are trying to be the best at their career, while being the best homemaker, mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister. Which really is impossible. Trying to do all of this will make you unhappy. It will make you feel out of balance. How can you look out for yourself with all of this going on.
For me, who raised a child by myself as a single mom, my imbalance showed itself in the form of fat. The fat represented that my life was out of balance. I didn’t have enough time to do it all. I knew I was shortchanging something or someone, usually myself, all the time.
But what was the choice once the choice was made? Get rid of the child? Refuse to work? No, of course not, the choice became not to choose myself.
Imbalance. A lot of it is reflected back to us in the form of our health. The bad health in our society is a result of imbalance. Lack of knowledge. Lack of time to obtain the correct knowledge. Being fed the wrong information.
Right now I am working like hell to get that balance back. I worked at weight loss, was successful. So I want more. I am happier because I put myself first finally but what it next?
I know my job is a problem. I know, for a fact, that staying in my current career will continue to make me unhappy. And unbalanced. Because I work in an atmosphere of sickness and hostility. The people I work with are sick.
There are problems with my home situation. Time will tell if I can stay in this situation. Or not.

Week 2 of P90X

Week 2. Uh. I actually didn’t plan a body for life free day but sort of had one on Saturday. We went to a race track to watch our friend race his car. I had planned on having a burger and fries all week and did that, but had about 6 bottles of beer too. Wow. Felt like crap yesterday but went right back to clean eating. Hope this doesn’t mess with my weigh in on this Saturday. I didn’t really have a hangover yesterday because the drinking was in the afternoon, but had a stomach ache in the morning during yoga. Stomach aches are no fun in Bikram yoga class where you just regret any indiscretion. The other problem is that I only had 56 ounces of water on Saturday and had done yoga in the morning. I hydrated a lot yesterday. That is way low for me. I need a hundred ounces plus and that is not even counting the 32 ounces I drink during yoga. In order to do five Bikram classes a week and my new P90X workouts, I need that water. I haven’t had enough today either so need to hit the water soon. Only one workout today and off from yoga.
It is so nice to go out and go to things now without getting ready and feeling like I look fat. I hate that. That has been my whole life. I wouldn’t trade that feeling for any in the world, except maybe a fiancé who did not have kids.
The kids are on my nerves big time. Mostly the oldest because although he is back in school, he is still unemployed and spent the weekend glued to the tv. I really am biting my tongue, but it pisses me off because df is so quick to jump on my daughter for every thing she does wrong, and if I say anything about his kids he gets defensive and it is an automatic fight. He spent the whole summer making comments on how I cook all the time for my daughter and he does the same thing for the big 20 year old baby who can’t put a glass in the dishwasher.
I am just not kid friendly with anyone’s kids these days. My daughter does stress me out and I have felt much better since she went back to college and is independent and not needy and in my face every day.
Anyway I need to curtail the free days and not get out of hand with it or will get no results from this program.
I am getting a lot of "you look too thin" and "don't get anorexic" comments. Which is ridiculous.

Day 3 Blah Blah

Well I am on day 3 of P90X. I hate to do too much journaling because when you are on this type of challenge your posts usually state things like on plan food, hard workout, body hurts, or fell off the wagon. The hardest part for me is the crystal clean food plan. I went through day one with no diet coke, then fell off that wagon yesterday and now trying to get back on that today. Otherwise my diet has been perfect.
I am drinking tons of water and got up the past two mornings for grueling five am workouts. At any rate I am doing better than last time where I got through the whole 90 days of the workouts but never got through two hours without resorting to coke and cookies. This phase is low carb and so far am doing well with that. Today I am adding in a Bikram yoga session after my weight and ab workout this morning. According to my weight watcher tracker that is 9 activity points, which is a lot. So I brought some emergency whole wheat pita and a laughing cow wedge JIK I am bonking by four this afternoon.
On a lighter note, I am excited about tonights finale of Rockstar Supernova. My favorite is Lukas from the start and Dilana. I think the final choice will be between Dilana and Toby. Toby is appealing as a chick magnet and showman, but doesn’t have the range of Dilana and Lukas. I would hope someone signs both of them. I find both riveting and way past last year’s talent, but think they will go for the more mainstream choice in Toby and play it safe, like INXS did last year.
See I do have a life and interests past exercise and diet.

Day One P90X

P90X is the ultimate in home fitness. I bought the system from Beachbody.com. It is similar to a body for life plan. You go on the nutrition plan for 90 days, measure before and after results, and hopefully you are in better shape.Yesterday I took the fitness test and had my before pics taken in my bikini. Yucko. I thought I looked better than that.
Today I started the nutrition component and am doing my first workout at home after work. The first phase of the nutrition plan is for 28 days and is basically 28 days. The intention is to burn fat. I am also doing the lean version of the fitness plan, which is more cardio than weights since I am hoping to lose weight.I am kind of stoked. The last time I did this, I was much fatter and did not follow the diet at all. I was disappointed in my results. Well, duh. Now I know better.
The exercise plan comes with 12 different dvds that you rotate. The concept for this rotation is muscle confusion. You follow a rotation and it changes every few weeks. I am hoping for great results I can brag about and will post the pics up. Think I will post some 30 day ones. Am sure there won't be any huge difference but the rest of you can tell me there is anyways to make me feel better.
Have a good lunch packed and am hungry.

Commenting on Comments

"I got to the point that I expected the scales to show that same big number all the time. Now after losing pounds over the summer I still expect that and often can not believe what I see on the scales."

Anonymous posted this after my last post. Right now I am struggling with this same thing, because as a yo yo dieter I am extra vigilant now about red flags that could mean potential weight gain and I think this is a big one. Why?
Because it shows mentally we have not caught up with ourselves. No matter what the number on the scale is saying, or the jean size, or the compliments from others, or what we are seeing in the mirror, the mind has not caught up with the body so we are still discontent with ourselves. This is the same discontent we feel when we are grossly overweight. It is the reason we started losing but it is also the reason we might tend to gain back. The reason for this is that we start letting our brain take over to the degree where we might start getting back to old habits because let's face it. Is it ever good enough? What is the point of endless dieting if we can't be whatever goal we have in mind, even if it isn't realistic?
And I am beginning to realize I will always feel this way. I have had two people call me skinny this week and I recoiled at that word applied to me. Because I have NEVER been referred to as skinny. I have spent a whole life training myself to accept I can not be THAT WORD. I have spent 50 years staring down women with thin legs, firm abs, and nice arms thinking that is all I can do, is be jealous of that. On the outside looking in.
And that is dangerous for me right now because that kind of hopeless might as well give up thinking as put me on the gaining end of yo yoing my whole life. What can I do different?
Start relishing the number on the scale. I ordered a bunch of new clothes in the mail in sizes I never believed I would wear this week and every one of them fit. My new expensive designer jeans I bought a month ago are now getting loose. I put them on this morning after washing and drying them. In a couple of months, they will be too big.
I need to accept this and relish it.
On Monday I am starting a new journey. The P90X program and I will be documenting a lot of it here. So stay tuned to the next phase.

STARTING OVER AT ALMOST 50

I survived the summer. My daughter is happy back at college, sans car, which now, I realize made so much sense. I really stuck to my guns on this. She is not used to hearing the word ‘no’ I have to admit. She was wearing me down and brainwashing me to the point where I was wondering, yeah it makes sense to cosign a 13,000 auto for a sophomore in college. Luckily I snapped out of that and she is in her dorm and happy as a clam to be with her friends again.
This was a pivotal summer for me. I got to my weight goal and have lost more weight since then. I achieved Weight Watcher lifetime status last week. I also am now an apprentice at my yoga studio to be a yoga teacher. My daughter is probably gone for good. Life has certainly changed. And all of this was possible thanks to – ME.
I don’t ever want to go back. I have no problem with people who are happy with themselves at whatever weight or shape they are in, but I am not one of those. I was never happy when I was fat and nothing made me truly happy when I was fat. I was not living to my full potential and I was using the fat as an excuse to hold myself back. I did this for years. I had even almost accepted I would be fat forever, but there was also this part of me that didn’t really feel like a fat person. Part of that was denial, but another part was a resistance to being like ‘them’. One of the fat outcast people.
Now I am not that. One word you can no longer use to describe me is fat. I am not a fat single mom. Now there is an ugly label. I had it for years. At my family reunion I noticed hey everyone is getting fatter! The whole country is getting fatter. I work with a lot of huge heavy women. Who get heavier every year. Lately it seems as though everyone I run into that I haven’t seen for a along time has gotten heavier.
But I won’t be doing that. I am on to the next part of my life and I am not going back.

BACK TO HELL

The family weekend was not as bad as I thought. It usually isn't. Only two snide comments, one from my mom and the other from my sister, but I can handle them. Two strange things though.
Although I got complimented up and down for my weight loss, no one wanted the magic beans. No one asked how I did it. I thought that odd. Usually people want to follow you around. I did eat no sweets or yucky snacks they had. I was pretty much starving all weekend because the only healthy choices were what I brought.
The other surprising thing was that everyone had gained weight. I would say 80% of the people in my family are overweight. Even nieces who had been thin all their lives are now quite chubby. Is this a reflection of our country? I knew the statistics showed that Americans are heavier and getting heavier every year, but can 80% of the people be overweight or is my family just special. It actually saddened me since I saw people the whole weekend stuffing themselves with sweets and alcohol. I have a grandniece who is 9 and she will be a fat adolescent. Both of her parents are heavy. Hey my own daughter is heavy so who am I to talk.
Tomorrow I finally get to take her to college. I won't miss her. She has been on my case about cosigning a car for weeks. I think she gets it now. It ain't gonna happen. She needs to get a lot of stuff in line for that to happen. My fiance is down in the dumps and that is getting on my last nerve too.
So the solution is, spending time to myself. This weekend I am cutting out on him and his kid. I am tired of everyone at this point and just don't need everyone's drama.
Here is some good news. I am apprenticing at my yoga studio to be a yoga teacher. This I am excited about. I have been hoping for an opportunity like this for ages and here is it. I will be a yoga teacher! I am going to be mean too. No easey quiet classes from me. In my class, people are going to work it!

A NEW COUNT DOWN

My weight loss and maintenance endeavors and focus have taken a back seat to my daughter's relentless pursuit of having me cosign a car for her. This is almost a 24/7 argument. I am waiting for the phone to start ringing this morning when she gets up. It continued until late last night with her crying about it. She fluctuates between rage and veiled threats down to begging and groveling. I don't know what it will take to convince her I am absolutely not doing this and what a horrible idea it is. She is stubborn and won't give up.
I am going out of town to a huge family reunion that she is refusing to go to. I told her a year ago when this was being planned that if she didn't go, she should not expect a heck of a lot from me. I was going to buy her some back to school clothes but that isn't helping either. She is sort of holding this cosign thing over my head, like if I go ahead and sign it, she will go, but that isn't working either.
I have worked out this week and eaten right. Don't get me wrong. All this stress is not driving me to eat and exercise. It is emotionally draining and depressing that I have this spoiled daughter who has no gratitude for anything I do for her. Whatever I do never seems to be enough. I have explained to her that her immaturity in dealing with these issues just further reflect that she is not ready for this responsibility and she would have to work 40 hours a week at school to pay for the car. But she refuses to see that and just insists I just don't want her to have a car and be happy.
Yup. That is what the past 19 years were about. I have only wanted her to be unhappy and miserable. Geez.
Will this kid ever mature past the leve of a nine year old? I think it is going to be along time before I figure that one out.

Nine More Days

Until my lovely daughter is back in college and I don't have her in my face any more.

I am really challenged with food right now but actually am not eating enough. Last night I was too stressed to eat dinner and nothing sounds like what I want to eat except the tomatos in my garden. I have been eating those and cucumbers. So delicious.
After the family reunion this weekend I have a lot going on next week. We are moving to a new building so things at work are in flux right now. I actually am working home one day during this. I love to this. I could stand my job if I could work at home a day or two a week.
Next Friday we dump her off in her dorm and then my life will be a little more normal and I can retreat into Joan's world. As predicted the "boys" came back so I woke up this morning to dirty dishes, crumbs on the floor, and filthy counters. Couldn't complain to df though. He is supportive with my daughter crap, but daughter will be out of the house and the boys will be there all the time.
So, like I said, I will just have to cope by doing a lot by myself and staying away from them. The youngest started cross country high school team this week and was already dead after the first day practice. His eating habits are horrendous. He basically eats nothing. He is getting taller and weighs nothing. He always has this malnourished look about him and df had to get him up early for practice today and I did not notice him preparing anything for him to eat. There is no water ready. Sigh. Well, I have my own problems but make the kid some eggs. There wasn't even any cereal for him but he will only eat sugary cereals with additional sugar on it. I have a feeling he won't last this season. The workout schedule looks brutal. At least I can pat myself on the back for taking care of my kid and making sure she has what she needs. Sigh. Got my own problems and can't worry about his stupid kids.
Ate my lunch already. Not a good sign. I will get to the gym today. Yesterday my nerves were wrangled between work commotion and my daughter so just went home and went on a long wonderful walk for my exercise. Felt wonderful and the weather was perfect. Think I will work out some anger on weights tonight too.

SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL

Well the situation with dd is worse than I thought. Had another scream out with her. She thinks I am being mean by refusing to cosign a car with a higher payment than my own and with about a 500$ per month insurance payment with mine, since it tripled due to her three speeding tickets last year. Of course she doesn't account for nor have money saved for the inevitable maintenance and repair bills. Don't even get me going on the price of gas. All I can see is how could she even think she can handle all of this with school full time.

I am so mad I could spit. But I will NOT eat my way through this. I WILL exercise today. Because inevitably, this will pass and I am willing to live through this somehow even though she will hate me and not talk to me the rest of my life and never let me see my grandchildren. Those are her usual threats.

I mean it isn't hopeless right? Some day this kid has to grow up and be responsible and reasonable and logical right? It might be a few years but I do now me gaining weight will NOT solve anything.

FAMILY REUNION

It is approaching and I am trying to anticipate what it will be like with my weight loss and then my lovely daughter throws a new wrench into the situation. Like, she isn't going. Well, she is practically not going. She is using the work excuse but I think there is more to that and I think part of the reason she doesn't want to go is that she is heavier, way heavier than she used to be and the reason I think that is that....

I used to do the same thing. In my family it is kind of damned if you do damned if you don't. Some of them will persecute me for showing up thin, but showing up heavier is a disaster and someone will bring it up to me that she is heavier and that person would be.......

My mom. Who last summer pointed out to be that I had a roll around my waist and two months ago screamed at me to not lose any more weight. She is also upset about my lovely daughter not showing up, because she is her favorite grandchild.

Also my daughter, who has been nothing but a huge financial drain on me and caused me a lot of financial problems, me a poor single mom and now she wants me to cosign a loan for her to get a car. Which basically means to me that I will end up, at some point, having to pay money for it, which I am not willing to do due to the fact that her college right now is costing me so much. Her rationale is that she will pay for it all by working 25-30 hours a week, which I doubt will cover her expenses. She is also a shoe addict and a nail salon addict and I have not seen her lessening these activities over the summer.

She is causing me so much emotional strife now I can hardly bear her, plus the family thing coming up. I am kind of at my wit's end. Plus fiance's boys are back today which means, no doubt about this, that I will be coming home to a messy house tonight.

I have two alternatives. One is to eat my brains out and the other is to run away from home, from all of them. I love my fiance to death. I know the situation will be better for me next week when daughter is back at college because she won't be in my face about something all the time. The weird family reunion will be over, but I still have to put up with his kids and somehow that just seems unfair right now. I know I am not really justified in feeling that way because obviously he can't get rid of his kids to please me but last winter was difficult. I could hardly stand to be home because to be honest, after a day of work and stress from that bs, I hardly want to go home and hang with the boys. So I spent a lot of winter on my home.

What I need are new coping mechanisms because eating my brains out is no longer an option like it used to be. It seems like all I have right now to feel good about is my weight loss and the new goals I have associated with getting the perfect body I want and to be a personal trainer and yoga instructor. I hate my career. My kid drives me nuts. My friends are always whining. I love fiance, but his kids distract him from me a lot.

So new coping mechanisms are it. What other choice do I have. I feel the best thing I can do is to continue on working on the things that will make my life better. For the first time in my life I have a weight loss that I feel I can maintain. That is huge, after 50 years of being fat and yo yo dieting. I can lose more. I can be more than this.

I have choices.

More Pics Coming

I just posted that because I joined photoshop and wanted to experiment with the only photo I had. I will put up a before and after soon. I found the before and have to get it scanned and upload it. It is pretty bad. Will be a good laugh.
My weight watcher scale showed me up .6 last week but I know I didn't gain. I am looking at my statistics but at least once in every decade, I have a gain that is unsubstantiated. From looking at these stats I also see it is usually followed by a big loss the week after either because the loss is unsubstantiated as I believe, or that I just work harder since I hate gains. I have a weight I am shooting for for next week which is my family reunion.
My family is a bunch of major alcohol and food addicts. The only thin people have married in. I am not looking forward to this reunion since my mom is already driving me crazy. She said something so mean to me on Sunday it almost sent me reeling into food and lazy land. I almost talked myself out of my workout yesterday and am starting the same thing up today.
See the problem is that I broke the family contract of being out of control as a foodie and a drinker. That usually means everyone will be uncomfortable and when people get uncomfortable, they attack. Because they are scared of what they are seeing.
Yup, there is me, proof that it is not genetic. Proof that it can be done. Proof that everyone in the family is not like THAT. Plus I won't make it easy for them because I will not give in. Nope I won't do it. I won't cave.

Experiment

SO YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD GET EASIER

But nope, that doesn't happen. The goal weight is really not some magical number on the scale that sets your life right. Actually you kind of look at yourself and think, this is not where I want to be. I am two pounds under that goal now and there is room for improvement. So I am working even harder.
Also the week after I reached goal some major stresses appeared wrapped in something that looked like my daughter and her financial aid issues with school. I am really stressed to the max and on top of it have decided to quit drinking diet soda. This is a minute by minute struggle where I keep trying to convince myself to have one and then talk myself out of. I had been spending way too much money on it and yesterday I read a post about a woman who quit and said that subsequently her diet coke bulge went away. Now I am sitting here thinking this is odd. Is THAT what that is still around my waist? A diet coke bulge. For the past few days for some reason, there seems to be a lot of loose fat around my waist. Hmmm. Must be that diet coke bulge.
Some of days are including double workouts now. Cardio and bikrams or cardio and weights. Today I am somewhat tired so will just do cardio after work. I was thinking about weights, but I am really tired and the stress from my daughter and the other kids in my home is getting to me. It seems there is always a kid there and there isn't supposed to be. My fiance's oldest son is almost 20 and quit his job in May and hasn't looked very hard for another. He is with us half time so I just put up with two weeks of coming home to him camped in front of the tv. Today I kind of let fiance have it, since he is so willing to condemn my daughter for all of her transgressions. He claimed he told the kid to get a job but I doubt he did it forcefully or as forcefully as I would have. I would have been all over his lazy ass in June. All this kid does is watch tv and I am sick of him. I hope he gets an apartment and moves out. Mine will be gone in a few weeks and she needs to be on her own too.
So just stressed and not being fat any more does not alleviate the stress, but makes it more manageable since I don't have to manage self-loathing for being fat on top of it.

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I did it. I made goal last week with a 1.4 pound loss. No fanfare or parades involved, just a new phase in my journey for the perfect body.
My new goals in life and this journal are non weight loss intended. I do think I will lose more weight, but I am upping the calories, cleaning out my food even more, and increasing the intensity of my workouts. I am more motivated now than ever since I now know I can achieve my goals with hard work. I used to think being in a normal weight range was just not in the cards for me. I accepted my life as a fat person even when I was making my half hearted attempts to lose weight.
The biggest part of this is mental. You have to convince yourself of what you are capable of. Because you will and people around you will find every excuse in the world why it can’t be done. I am sure my mother will be sending this message to me loud and clear at the family reunion. Don’t go any further! Don’t try to be any better than you are right now. Hold yourself back like I always did.
Mediocrity is no longer good enough for me.
I want to change other things about my life besides my weight. I want a new career. What will that be? I am not sure yet. But I am formulating it.

DETERMINATION ENOUGH?

Not always. As fiercely as I stated I would get to goal this week, the scale remains stuck. Df is taking me out to dinner to celebrate tomorrow night but tomorrow probably ain't it. (I would rather have new jeans. This was his idea.)
Partly I have had a stressful week. Maybe the stress is what is holding my body back. The people at work are on my nerves with the constant chatter. Df unloaded his work problems to me last night and dd claims she has brain cancer and yeast. I am on overload. Plus dfs older kid not having a job and sitting around the house all summer watching tv is working my very last nerve.
So I am thinking tomorrow ain't it.