In the past few weeks it is like my entire world has shifted.
I used to be one of the heavy people everywhere, but now I am among the fit and trim. I did have a lot of company before. There are plenty of heavy people out there. I live in Wisconsin so even more so here than in some places.
I first noticed this at weight watcher meetings. All of a sudden, I found myself thinking, ‘There sure are a lot of FAT people here.’ Now I realize it isn’t just weight watchers. A lot of women are fatter than I am now. It is GOOD that fat women go to weight watchers!
Now, I am by no means thin, but I do look damn good and am fitting in my smallest clothes. I had a range of clothes in my closet from a few 8s up to 14. At one time I was a 22/24. A few weeks ago I got rid of anything over a size 10. All of it and it felt good. I was in denial at a size 22/24 and thought I was fit and not fat at that time. Hard to imagine….. Anyway I got rid of the clothes so that I do not have permission to gain or to find myself putting on a pair of fat jeans to be comfortable and then to grow into them.
Last night in yoga I realized that in these long months of active weight loss part of my yoga struggle (everyone struggles in Bikram yoga) was my own body and that struggle no longer exists, but the memory of it is there. I certainly hope not.
It is as if my own body is asking me ‘Are you sure that stomach fat isn’t there or coming back?’ The memory of twisting and bending with all of that fat there will be there a long time after the fat is gone.
So the shift was subtle at first but now is glaring. I was in a meeting yesterday where I was the most attractive woman there. I don’t mean just my body either. I am talking clothes, hair, shoes, makeup, and all else. I see a lot of women who aren’t even fat, but just dress so poorly around here. Not me anymore. I put my best clothes on now even though I do worry at night that they won’t fit in the morning because that weight will come back on overnight! Funny what the mind tells us. It is hard to ignore your own brain when you have to spend a lot of time ignoring the brain crap from others. I just shut that out now. It was aggravating me but now I don’t care. They have their problems and I have mine.
It is two days until weigh in. I am hoping for a two pound loss this week. I have eaten super clean. No sugar at all. I feel plateau-y though, but think I look thinner.
Next week the splint comes off and I can start working on weight again. I have nine weeks until my family vacation and I could go right now and have the best body so my goal is to be rid of ten more pounds of ugly fat and be a little buffer. I have the new program all ready.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
Scale Aberration
Is what I call a gain these days since I know I did not gain .6 lbs last week. I worked my tail off and fought the mind chatter all week. After my weigh in I went to the grocery store and bought the cleanest of clean foods and stocked up on chicken, fish, veggies, fruit, and healthy grains so that this week I will have a loss.
Hate to see a gain and the scale totally freaks me out. I have a very unhealthy relationship to the scale. Always have. I batted around a daily weigh in this week but our scale at home actually weighs me in heavier so that may freak me out at this point.
I got called out on Ediets for posting something mean about my coworker and the woman was right, but I have a lot of anger along with empathy for heavy people these days. It is more about me than it is about them because I see them exhibiting behaviors that I have had in the past and that scares the hell out of me. This morning I mindlessly walked in the copy room and started cutting a bagel that the director brought in. That is bad behavior for me. Someone walked in and I put it down. It had raisins in it and I hate that but it was like I was a zombie. There was no trigger emotion going on. I just did it. That scares me. But I did stop myself but I know once I get in those behaviors it is not time at all and I will gain. Or quit weighing in.
Hate to see a gain and the scale totally freaks me out. I have a very unhealthy relationship to the scale. Always have. I batted around a daily weigh in this week but our scale at home actually weighs me in heavier so that may freak me out at this point.
I got called out on Ediets for posting something mean about my coworker and the woman was right, but I have a lot of anger along with empathy for heavy people these days. It is more about me than it is about them because I see them exhibiting behaviors that I have had in the past and that scares the hell out of me. This morning I mindlessly walked in the copy room and started cutting a bagel that the director brought in. That is bad behavior for me. Someone walked in and I put it down. It had raisins in it and I hate that but it was like I was a zombie. There was no trigger emotion going on. I just did it. That scares me. But I did stop myself but I know once I get in those behaviors it is not time at all and I will gain. Or quit weighing in.
Friday, June 09, 2006
TIME TO LEAVE WORK
The retards are chatting away. The student worker is asking my coworker how to cook fish. What a retard. Talk about the blind leading the blind there. I am staying out of this conversation. Time to leave for the day.
Don't really feel like I have a good weigh in coming this week and not sure why. Feel like I may be hitting a plateau. Have to do my cardio session today and will eat light tonight. The check out girl at Walgreens told me I look skinny. That is a good way to start the weekend.
We are going out to eat at Quaker Steak and Lube tomorrow. Lovely. Not one thing on the menu not covered in cheese, bacon, sour cream, or ranch dressing. The whole menu sounds gross but that is where the friends wanted to go. Yucko
Don't really feel like I have a good weigh in coming this week and not sure why. Feel like I may be hitting a plateau. Have to do my cardio session today and will eat light tonight. The check out girl at Walgreens told me I look skinny. That is a good way to start the weekend.
We are going out to eat at Quaker Steak and Lube tomorrow. Lovely. Not one thing on the menu not covered in cheese, bacon, sour cream, or ranch dressing. The whole menu sounds gross but that is where the friends wanted to go. Yucko
Thursday, June 08, 2006
WHY BEING HUNGRY IS GOOD
Two days away from weigh-in.
Because I am wearing a size 8 skirt and NO ONE up here will tell me how good I look. I look fabulous and sexier than anyone on this floor right now.
Because I have to weigh in in two days and am on a weight loss roll.
Because the hour cardio I am doing later is hard work and I want to make it count.
Because I have healthy food planned all day and it should satisfy me.
Because I don't have to struggle to put on any of my clothes right now.
Because I am buying some Lucky jeans on Saturday.
Because I have to weigh in in two more days.
Because I can cross my legs effortlessly.
Because I can do this.
Because I am wearing a size 8 skirt and NO ONE up here will tell me how good I look. I look fabulous and sexier than anyone on this floor right now.
Because I have to weigh in in two days and am on a weight loss roll.
Because the hour cardio I am doing later is hard work and I want to make it count.
Because I have healthy food planned all day and it should satisfy me.
Because I don't have to struggle to put on any of my clothes right now.
Because I am buying some Lucky jeans on Saturday.
Because I have to weigh in in two more days.
Because I can cross my legs effortlessly.
Because I can do this.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
6 Lbs Away
I broke my hand just walking down the street and falling. It is better but keying is hard. I am actually turning into a lefthander. Today I go back to the doc to see if surgery is necessary but I am hoping not.
I am 6 pounds from goal and am amazed. By setting small goals over a long period of time, I have gotten to this point.
On September 1st last year I got out of denial and stepped on the scale at 221.5 pounds. My first goal was to get below 220. Luckily that happened the first week. Actually the first day. That was a Monday. By Tuesday, I was 219. My next goal was to get in the 200s. That happened relatively quickly. I joined weight watchers on October 1st and weighed in at 212.4. By the next week I was down to 207. The next goal was the one hundreds. Getting below 200 is huge for anyone because well you don’t feel so HUGE. This is a big psychological advantage. I have done it four times. True story.
My next goal was 191 since that was my 10% for weight watchers. Then below 190. It took me a couple of months to get out of the 190s. The next goal was 180s. Again, a couple of months for this but huge accomplishment. I have dieted many times to get in the 170s. I am a big person so this is a good weight zone for me.
The 170s are going pretty quickly. So far. Probably because of the 4 sessions of 45-60 minute elliptical I have added. 177 was my former Ediets low weight. I am now 175 and this is about the weight I was when I graduated from high school. I had much less muscle then so was probably flabbier. I am looking pretty buff right now. I do have excess skin and am worried about that.
So my next goal is 169 which is my high end of my weight range. I will go on maintenance at that point but will be doing a stricter BFL type of eating plan at that point and hopefully can start doing weights again as my hand should be healed.
Typing is still soooo hard.
I am 6 pounds from goal and am amazed. By setting small goals over a long period of time, I have gotten to this point.
On September 1st last year I got out of denial and stepped on the scale at 221.5 pounds. My first goal was to get below 220. Luckily that happened the first week. Actually the first day. That was a Monday. By Tuesday, I was 219. My next goal was to get in the 200s. That happened relatively quickly. I joined weight watchers on October 1st and weighed in at 212.4. By the next week I was down to 207. The next goal was the one hundreds. Getting below 200 is huge for anyone because well you don’t feel so HUGE. This is a big psychological advantage. I have done it four times. True story.
My next goal was 191 since that was my 10% for weight watchers. Then below 190. It took me a couple of months to get out of the 190s. The next goal was 180s. Again, a couple of months for this but huge accomplishment. I have dieted many times to get in the 170s. I am a big person so this is a good weight zone for me.
The 170s are going pretty quickly. So far. Probably because of the 4 sessions of 45-60 minute elliptical I have added. 177 was my former Ediets low weight. I am now 175 and this is about the weight I was when I graduated from high school. I had much less muscle then so was probably flabbier. I am looking pretty buff right now. I do have excess skin and am worried about that.
So my next goal is 169 which is my high end of my weight range. I will go on maintenance at that point but will be doing a stricter BFL type of eating plan at that point and hopefully can start doing weights again as my hand should be healed.
Typing is still soooo hard.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
7 Pounds From Goal
I broke my hand so this will be short.
I have had it with it is all about me people. I ran into a weight loss friend at ww a few weeks ago and it was all about her. And she has GAINED weight. I went to a party last weekend with a friend who never acknowledges my weight loss. Had to hear about her vacation and she would not listen about mine.
Tired of this.
I have had it with it is all about me people. I ran into a weight loss friend at ww a few weeks ago and it was all about her. And she has GAINED weight. I went to a party last weekend with a friend who never acknowledges my weight loss. Had to hear about her vacation and she would not listen about mine.
Tired of this.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
RADICALS
I have a new television show I love to watch. It is called Big Love and it is on HBO. The story is about a Mormon family headed by Bill Paxton that practices polygamy. Polygamy was outlawed in the Mormon church over a century ago but there are still sects of practitioners of the path. Bill’s character has three wives, Jean Tripplethorn, Chloe Sevigny, and another actress. They live in the real world and each wife has her own home. The homes are adjoining and they act as a complete family. Obviously the concept of this show is too radical for bland network programming and HBO is able to show a naked Paxton frolicking with his wives in bed etc. I don’t feel this is the most radical part of the show nor is the polygamy. The most radical concept this show delivers is the the practice of a faith by people in their every day life. This is a first on tv. When tv has approached the subject of religion and spiritual practices, it has merely been to show certain religious holiday practices or else they have had cutesy emotional story lines about ghosts or spirits or angels speaking to people. Never in the history of tv has a show depicted the every day struggles of people practicing their faith or spiritual belief systems. This show does that.
I hate to make the easy comparison of this with our diet struggles, but I think it is much the same way because we are radicals who practice healthy eating and exercising. We practice good health in our daily lives. We are elite, but we are also isolate and alone sometimes.
Does that sound too dark? I don’t think there is one person I have ever seen post on any thread on dieting that were not experiencing resistance, negativity, sarcasm, and pain from those around them, family, friends, and coworkers at the point where they were giving 200%. Just this morning I was on the elevator and I have a nice outfit on and one of the trolls I work with, glared at me. And I was not imagining it. I have experienced a lot just getting on the god dammed elevator first thing in the morning before I even get to my office. You know what this sort of behavior has made me do? It has made me dress nicer every day. I wake up and think what outfit I can wear to day to incite jealousy? I must look really good to be so reviled. I am not even allowed in the lottery ticket pool any more.
Yes, this is isolating. It is radical living like this, but like people of faith you have to ask yourself what are you giving up and what are you gaining. I am going home for a family reunion this August and I anticipate right now that I will be the subject of discussion there. My mom is already offended and scared of my weight loss and I have lost almost 20 pounds since the last time she saw me. I am not anticipating having a good time because I am radical. I am living a lifestyle and practicing a way of life every day that most people want to practice, but have convinced themselves they can’t. I have to uphold this lifestyle and explain it to my family. They will give me excuses about the way they eat. They will give me reasons not to exercise. They can’t drink that much water because it makes them gag. Am I giving up too much? Finally it occurred to me what the alternative is. The alternative is to live like them. Now I am one of the Others like on the tv show Lost. On the second season finale Hurley finally asks one of them who they are. The man answered that they are the good guys.
I am a good guy. I am. I am really not trying to do this to make anyone else unhappy. The alternative is to be like one of them. I am not happy fat. I don’t really believe people who say they are happy fat people. They are in denial. I believe. I didn’t like being in denial, pretending I was thin when I was fat. It was a lie. I lived the lie every day. I would rather be radical than a liar.
I hate to make the easy comparison of this with our diet struggles, but I think it is much the same way because we are radicals who practice healthy eating and exercising. We practice good health in our daily lives. We are elite, but we are also isolate and alone sometimes.
Does that sound too dark? I don’t think there is one person I have ever seen post on any thread on dieting that were not experiencing resistance, negativity, sarcasm, and pain from those around them, family, friends, and coworkers at the point where they were giving 200%. Just this morning I was on the elevator and I have a nice outfit on and one of the trolls I work with, glared at me. And I was not imagining it. I have experienced a lot just getting on the god dammed elevator first thing in the morning before I even get to my office. You know what this sort of behavior has made me do? It has made me dress nicer every day. I wake up and think what outfit I can wear to day to incite jealousy? I must look really good to be so reviled. I am not even allowed in the lottery ticket pool any more.
Yes, this is isolating. It is radical living like this, but like people of faith you have to ask yourself what are you giving up and what are you gaining. I am going home for a family reunion this August and I anticipate right now that I will be the subject of discussion there. My mom is already offended and scared of my weight loss and I have lost almost 20 pounds since the last time she saw me. I am not anticipating having a good time because I am radical. I am living a lifestyle and practicing a way of life every day that most people want to practice, but have convinced themselves they can’t. I have to uphold this lifestyle and explain it to my family. They will give me excuses about the way they eat. They will give me reasons not to exercise. They can’t drink that much water because it makes them gag. Am I giving up too much? Finally it occurred to me what the alternative is. The alternative is to live like them. Now I am one of the Others like on the tv show Lost. On the second season finale Hurley finally asks one of them who they are. The man answered that they are the good guys.
I am a good guy. I am. I am really not trying to do this to make anyone else unhappy. The alternative is to be like one of them. I am not happy fat. I don’t really believe people who say they are happy fat people. They are in denial. I believe. I didn’t like being in denial, pretending I was thin when I was fat. It was a lie. I lived the lie every day. I would rather be radical than a liar.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
She Did It Again
It is getting almost laughable. Today an old student worker came in and she talked to him downstairs and came up and said he noticed she had been working out. Wonder what prompt she gave him for that compliment. He is a polite young Chinese man and just doesn't make those kinds of comments. LOL It is laughable. Now it doesn't bother me. I lost 44 pounds! Yeah.
I do feel sorry for her though because I lived in that denial a long time. I never lost weight. But when you try to convince other people you are, when you aren't, then you are in big trouble. I can create my own denial. Creating denial for others is hard work.
I ate too much this past weekend I feel so am making up for it by eating clean clean clean this week. Chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, cottage cheese, fruit, oatmeal, egg whites. Lots of cardio. I want to be 7 pounds from goal this Saturday.
I do feel sorry for her though because I lived in that denial a long time. I never lost weight. But when you try to convince other people you are, when you aren't, then you are in big trouble. I can create my own denial. Creating denial for others is hard work.
I ate too much this past weekend I feel so am making up for it by eating clean clean clean this week. Chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, cottage cheese, fruit, oatmeal, egg whites. Lots of cardio. I want to be 7 pounds from goal this Saturday.
Monday, May 22, 2006
8 MORE POUNDS
I reached two important goals this past weekend. One was getting to my low weight of 177 that I had reached two years ago before I gained back 44 pounds. Also I am under 10 pounds until goal weight. I am now at 8.
For the past two weeks I have looked at the Bikram mirror and liked what I see. I would no longer look at myself in the mirror and say that is a fat woman. I try not to compare myself to others in class. There are a lot of younger women with amazing bodies. I don’t have an amazing body. Yet. But that is my ultimate goal. I am starting to visualize what my body will be like when I get what I want out of this. I want to be at my best. I want to be amazing. I want male attention. I want female jealousy. I want it all.Because I like putting on clothes that fit well and that I don’t have to struggle with. I like not having to button and zip up pants over a flabby belly.
At his weight, every pound I lose is visible. Lately it has come off my stomach. Stomach last. My worst feature and I may need a tummy tuck at some point. So I am working uberhard to make my stomach the best it can be. I will fight that tummy tuck I will. I love the clothes I wear now. I like looking at myself. I like working out. Every workout counts at this point.
8 more pounds.
For the past two weeks I have looked at the Bikram mirror and liked what I see. I would no longer look at myself in the mirror and say that is a fat woman. I try not to compare myself to others in class. There are a lot of younger women with amazing bodies. I don’t have an amazing body. Yet. But that is my ultimate goal. I am starting to visualize what my body will be like when I get what I want out of this. I want to be at my best. I want to be amazing. I want male attention. I want female jealousy. I want it all.Because I like putting on clothes that fit well and that I don’t have to struggle with. I like not having to button and zip up pants over a flabby belly.
At his weight, every pound I lose is visible. Lately it has come off my stomach. Stomach last. My worst feature and I may need a tummy tuck at some point. So I am working uberhard to make my stomach the best it can be. I will fight that tummy tuck I will. I love the clothes I wear now. I like looking at myself. I like working out. Every workout counts at this point.
8 more pounds.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
10 Pounds From Goal
Sounds pretty good and I got in the 170s too. All that cardio is paying off. I am enjoying this feeling. I am no longer fat. I do not look in the Bikram mirror and think fat person any more. That is gone.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Stepping Up
Now that my weight loss has slowed to a turtle's speed, I have to step things up and what does that mean?
Well, initially starting weight watchers one promise I made to myself was that the word "no" is not to be put in the front of any word. That worked well for my first 41 pounds. I did not overdo anything and ate my daily requirement of fruits and veggies and dairy and protein. I did use points for occasional light desserts and treats I like. I am a Coke addict and I usually have one or two a week and they are planned for. I used to drink like four or five a day. This week I "quit" the diet coke. Well, at least I am giving myself one a day. This can be a trigger for me so I have to be careful. I drank way too many of them and they made me feel like crap with all the caffeine and preservatives. I did have one this morning but that is it for the day. Yesterday I had none. If I lose control for a day, I will have to quit it totally which is my goal. I mean I really hate the shit. Really. I do. Why do I drink it like water? I haven't a clue.
See it has taken months to get here and I have had to work and tweak things as I go. I also added four sessions of the elliptical a week a few weeks ago. I thought this would jump start some loss but it really hasn't although I do feel there is a loss of fat in my midsection the past few days from the cardio, which I work HARD.
So what is happening is that I am using the word no to myself more frequently. I have had one coke this week. If I really want one, I will have it. Almost talked myself into it last night but didn't do it and there is a two liter bottle at home. I can't open that though because my fiance's youngest, who is a sugar addict and is with us this week, will suck it all down if I open it and have some so it kept me from doing that last night. Fiance is trying to get him off the sugar since he has ADD now among other problems. I think he is malnourished myself but no one asks what I think. Probably because they know it already.
So although I am not the food nazi that my Ediets friends are I do realize that to get to my goal, I have to tighten it up and eat less of that stuff, which is pretty minimal and more healthy stuff. Especially since I am doubling up some days with the cardio on the elliptical with a Bikram yoga class. Nutrition is vital those days so that I don't haul off and die in the middle of yoga.
I am not in a hurry to lose but am trying to break into the 170s this month. I have to go to fiance's youngest son's confirmation a week from Sunday and bought an outfit and the skirt is snug, so would like that a little loser plus we have to go to the exes for a party afterwards. Boy am I looking forward to that. Hope they serve alcohol.
The next week we are going to a party for the holiday weekend and my two friends that will be there are superskinny. I am still like two of them. No lie. One wears little boy clothes because even petites are too big. She has an eating disorder though. Anyway I have a new outfit for that that fits fine. It is fiance's work party so want to look fab so at least someone there fucking notices, even though my skinny friends don't say a thing about them but I probably still look like a cow to them. Who cares. They are fun and there will be alcohol!
Well, initially starting weight watchers one promise I made to myself was that the word "no" is not to be put in the front of any word. That worked well for my first 41 pounds. I did not overdo anything and ate my daily requirement of fruits and veggies and dairy and protein. I did use points for occasional light desserts and treats I like. I am a Coke addict and I usually have one or two a week and they are planned for. I used to drink like four or five a day. This week I "quit" the diet coke. Well, at least I am giving myself one a day. This can be a trigger for me so I have to be careful. I drank way too many of them and they made me feel like crap with all the caffeine and preservatives. I did have one this morning but that is it for the day. Yesterday I had none. If I lose control for a day, I will have to quit it totally which is my goal. I mean I really hate the shit. Really. I do. Why do I drink it like water? I haven't a clue.
See it has taken months to get here and I have had to work and tweak things as I go. I also added four sessions of the elliptical a week a few weeks ago. I thought this would jump start some loss but it really hasn't although I do feel there is a loss of fat in my midsection the past few days from the cardio, which I work HARD.
So what is happening is that I am using the word no to myself more frequently. I have had one coke this week. If I really want one, I will have it. Almost talked myself into it last night but didn't do it and there is a two liter bottle at home. I can't open that though because my fiance's youngest, who is a sugar addict and is with us this week, will suck it all down if I open it and have some so it kept me from doing that last night. Fiance is trying to get him off the sugar since he has ADD now among other problems. I think he is malnourished myself but no one asks what I think. Probably because they know it already.
So although I am not the food nazi that my Ediets friends are I do realize that to get to my goal, I have to tighten it up and eat less of that stuff, which is pretty minimal and more healthy stuff. Especially since I am doubling up some days with the cardio on the elliptical with a Bikram yoga class. Nutrition is vital those days so that I don't haul off and die in the middle of yoga.
I am not in a hurry to lose but am trying to break into the 170s this month. I have to go to fiance's youngest son's confirmation a week from Sunday and bought an outfit and the skirt is snug, so would like that a little loser plus we have to go to the exes for a party afterwards. Boy am I looking forward to that. Hope they serve alcohol.
The next week we are going to a party for the holiday weekend and my two friends that will be there are superskinny. I am still like two of them. No lie. One wears little boy clothes because even petites are too big. She has an eating disorder though. Anyway I have a new outfit for that that fits fine. It is fiance's work party so want to look fab so at least someone there fucking notices, even though my skinny friends don't say a thing about them but I probably still look like a cow to them. Who cares. They are fun and there will be alcohol!
Monday, May 08, 2006
How Did She Get So FAT!
I ran into an old coworker yesterday at Home Depot and was shocked to see she had gained about 60 pounds. She pretended she didn't see me. I remember she was on a diet all the time and was very tiny. Now she is fat and flabby and out of shape.
About a year ago that would have been me and I know I always hated seeing someone from my thinner days and would hide too. Been there, done that. Makes me wonder what caused her to lose her way. Relationship problems with the husband? Problems with children? Work?
Last night I sort of understood this whole food addiction thing better after watching the Sopranos. One of the characters, Christopher, used to be a raging drug addict/alcoholic. He went to rehab and gave it all back. Tony talked him into having a glass of wine and soon he was shooting up.
I think it is the same way with food. It starts out small. Maybe you quit logging your food and don't count those extra bites. Then you start eating out more. You don't weigh your portions as much. Your clothes are getting smaller. But you get in denial. Maybe like me, you avoid the scale. You get in full-blown denial and you end up gaining it back. And more usually.
I wish there was more research into why people gain back + more. There must be a reason? Maybe due to the havoc we are putting our metabolisms in due to constant dieting. I know a friend and I were talking about this a while back. Her friend, who is probably in the high end or a little more of her weight range, just eats a ton of food and never gains, while we count every miniscule bite, calorie, and point we eat. Plus we exercise like fiends and this woman does nothing. I told my friend that it is because we are dieting all the time and our bodies must really be fighting us to stay fat. It is frustrating. I do believe most thin people are careful though and don't eat everything they see. If you have never been overweight then you obviously have learned what I have never learned, how to eat moderately.
I don't think I ever will either. This is a lifelong struggle.
Oh, I only lost .2, even after adding all that cardio. Geez.
About a year ago that would have been me and I know I always hated seeing someone from my thinner days and would hide too. Been there, done that. Makes me wonder what caused her to lose her way. Relationship problems with the husband? Problems with children? Work?
Last night I sort of understood this whole food addiction thing better after watching the Sopranos. One of the characters, Christopher, used to be a raging drug addict/alcoholic. He went to rehab and gave it all back. Tony talked him into having a glass of wine and soon he was shooting up.
I think it is the same way with food. It starts out small. Maybe you quit logging your food and don't count those extra bites. Then you start eating out more. You don't weigh your portions as much. Your clothes are getting smaller. But you get in denial. Maybe like me, you avoid the scale. You get in full-blown denial and you end up gaining it back. And more usually.
I wish there was more research into why people gain back + more. There must be a reason? Maybe due to the havoc we are putting our metabolisms in due to constant dieting. I know a friend and I were talking about this a while back. Her friend, who is probably in the high end or a little more of her weight range, just eats a ton of food and never gains, while we count every miniscule bite, calorie, and point we eat. Plus we exercise like fiends and this woman does nothing. I told my friend that it is because we are dieting all the time and our bodies must really be fighting us to stay fat. It is frustrating. I do believe most thin people are careful though and don't eat everything they see. If you have never been overweight then you obviously have learned what I have never learned, how to eat moderately.
I don't think I ever will either. This is a lifelong struggle.
Oh, I only lost .2, even after adding all that cardio. Geez.
Friday, May 05, 2006
I AM NOT NICE TODAY
Today I am no longer resisting being myself and saying what needs to be said. I have been Mr. Nice Guy around here for too long. I sat around here patiently enough for the past months listening to my coworker yack about how much weight she is losing since she has started going to a health club three days a week. I supported her. I did not brag about my weight loss while she has stayed the same size because I didn't want her to feel bad about herself.
I mean, she must know that she is still the same size.
But, after yesterday, all bets are off.
I am, after all, basically a not very nice person with few friends. Because I do NOT put up with bs. She pushed the bs button too far over the room temperature issue.
Since I have lost 41 pounds since September 1st, I am colder. I have always been colder than her, because she has always been fatter than me. We work in the coldest room on our floor. People come in here all the time and say how cold it is. We haven't had too much really warm weather here yet, but she keeps yanking down the thermostat to 66 degrees, because she works up a sweat going to the bathroom. So I kept turning it up. Yesterday after she had turned it back down and it was your basic icebox in this room I approached her maturely and said we need to find a moderate temperature because it is too cold and that when she has the air conditioner turned down to 66 degrees before she leaves and I then I come in in the morning, it is about 60 degrees in here and I have to turn it up. We sort of came up with an agreement to not turn it below 70 or above 73. But then she started making the excuses of why she is warm and I am cold.
According to her she is closer to the heater. Sorry, but not buying that. There is not warm air gushing out of there like there is the AC vent. It feels warm to touch, but there is no real heat coming out. Also, according to her, I am cold because I do Bikram yoga in a hot studio.
That was too much denial for me. So I am pointing out a lot of things to her, not real blatantly, but I am not holding back and trying to be nice.
She is hot all the time because she is fat and is NOT losing any weight by going to the gym three times a week. Especially since, on a daily basis, she eats ice cream, candy, sweet rolls etc. EVERY DAY.
I am cold because I lost 41 pounds of fat and insulation and I work out HARD 6 days a week, sometimes twice and never eat that crap.
Turning down the thermostat to 66 degrees is inappropriate since we are barely making it to 60 degrees outside.
Lose some weight coworker and quit talking about it is what I like to say, but instead I am rubbing it in her face today that I am buying new smaller clothes and maybe she will realize she isn't because she is fat. She is hot becauase she is FAT.
Although when I talked about buying smaller jeans today she did say her baggy knit winter pants are getting loose. Sure, have a nice trip down DENIAL river.
See I have to protect myself. I should not have to freeze because she is fat and can't do anything but stuff food in her face. And eat a lot of processed crap. She bragged to me about burning 350 calories on the elliptical (I doubt it) in 25 minutes. I go on there to 50 minutes!
I would rather be in my place however, thinner and losing and healthy and attractive, than staying the same and not able to admit it even to myself.
I mean, she must know that she is still the same size.
But, after yesterday, all bets are off.
I am, after all, basically a not very nice person with few friends. Because I do NOT put up with bs. She pushed the bs button too far over the room temperature issue.
Since I have lost 41 pounds since September 1st, I am colder. I have always been colder than her, because she has always been fatter than me. We work in the coldest room on our floor. People come in here all the time and say how cold it is. We haven't had too much really warm weather here yet, but she keeps yanking down the thermostat to 66 degrees, because she works up a sweat going to the bathroom. So I kept turning it up. Yesterday after she had turned it back down and it was your basic icebox in this room I approached her maturely and said we need to find a moderate temperature because it is too cold and that when she has the air conditioner turned down to 66 degrees before she leaves and I then I come in in the morning, it is about 60 degrees in here and I have to turn it up. We sort of came up with an agreement to not turn it below 70 or above 73. But then she started making the excuses of why she is warm and I am cold.
According to her she is closer to the heater. Sorry, but not buying that. There is not warm air gushing out of there like there is the AC vent. It feels warm to touch, but there is no real heat coming out. Also, according to her, I am cold because I do Bikram yoga in a hot studio.
That was too much denial for me. So I am pointing out a lot of things to her, not real blatantly, but I am not holding back and trying to be nice.
She is hot all the time because she is fat and is NOT losing any weight by going to the gym three times a week. Especially since, on a daily basis, she eats ice cream, candy, sweet rolls etc. EVERY DAY.
I am cold because I lost 41 pounds of fat and insulation and I work out HARD 6 days a week, sometimes twice and never eat that crap.
Turning down the thermostat to 66 degrees is inappropriate since we are barely making it to 60 degrees outside.
Lose some weight coworker and quit talking about it is what I like to say, but instead I am rubbing it in her face today that I am buying new smaller clothes and maybe she will realize she isn't because she is fat. She is hot becauase she is FAT.
Although when I talked about buying smaller jeans today she did say her baggy knit winter pants are getting loose. Sure, have a nice trip down DENIAL river.
See I have to protect myself. I should not have to freeze because she is fat and can't do anything but stuff food in her face. And eat a lot of processed crap. She bragged to me about burning 350 calories on the elliptical (I doubt it) in 25 minutes. I go on there to 50 minutes!
I would rather be in my place however, thinner and losing and healthy and attractive, than staying the same and not able to admit it even to myself.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
FAT WOMEN ARE INVISIBLE
I have learned this lesson before on my other journeys into lower weight land. The smaller you become, the more VISIBLE you are.
When you are heavy, you are virtually invisible. People don't normally just 'talk' to you and that is especially true of men when the women are heavy. They aren't very friendly. Now, I am experiencing more 'friendliness' and I don't mean in the form of come-ons. I mean, I look much better but am approaching 50, another invisibility factor, but men, like bus drivers or men at the bus stop or yoga class are just nicer to me. I think, for men, they are fearful of being nice or friendly to a heavier woman, because they fear that it may be mistaken for attraction and they may be somewhat right. I did, many times, read more into what it really meant when a man was at all nice to me and mistook it for interest and it never was. Never ever. Don't ever kid yourself about shy men. When men know what they want, they go after it.
But being invisible is hard. It is like you don't 'count'. Society is very mean to heavy people. There were some people talking about fat women and laughing at them before yoga class last week. I was appalled and if I were still heavy, I doubt that conversation would have even taken place. This is probably normal conversation though, that I missed out on for years!
I was invisible among family and friends. When I was younger and REALLY heavy no one ever asked me if I were dating someone. They knew I wasn't! My sisters used my fatdom and single momedness to exclude me from family activities. I knew why they did it, even if they didn't admit it because they also did it to my other really heavy sister. Did it hurt? Hell yeah. I felt so bad and angry that I was already isolated and then to even have your own family isolate you even further? I am over it now and one of the sisters who engaged in this is dead. Which is also sad. And hurtful.
I can only imagine what my friends thought about me. The token fat girl friend. They were nice, but I bet they were vicious behind my back. I am sure they were. One of them, even though I have changed, still treats me like FAT DUMPY JOAN FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
Do people ever know the pain and harm they do other people? I probably do this on some level. Last week I was sitting in the weight watcher meeting thinking man are there ever a lot of FAT women here! Hardy har har. I am one of the normal looking people there. I am a thin one there.
A lot of these women look very sad and unhappy and I know they are in a lot of pain. Because I have been there. And even though they are invisible to our society in a lot of ways and are ignored and talked about when they can't here, they also are a very visible presence of what thinner people don't want to be. Thinner people, me included, look at them and think I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. And they know people think that way.
When I went to Jamaica recently I thought that about a lot of women. There were a lot of heavy women in bikinis at the resort on the beach. There were more women I DIDN'T want to look like than I DID want to look like. There were a lot of thin out of shape women I don't want to look like either. The yoga teachers were goddesses. Real goddesses. They had curves and muscle and were healthy and glowing.
What point am I getting to? Mostly that we should all approach weight loss and health from just that perspective. What do we want our visibility to show? I have a goal weight but I also have a goal body image that I think about even more. When I look in the Bikram mirror, where you can not hide from yourself, I criticque my body and notice the changes. Like last night I noticed that my waist is really whittled down, but that my arms could use more toning. Time to get out the weights again! I don't know what I will look like when I get to goal, but I do know I will keep changing and improving on what I have at that point.
I don't want to be invisible like that ever again. I count. We all count. Heavy women count too. I can't do anything about the scorn and hatred that heavy women have to live with. But I do recognize it. And I can choose to not act in that way towards anyone, including myself.
When you are heavy, you are virtually invisible. People don't normally just 'talk' to you and that is especially true of men when the women are heavy. They aren't very friendly. Now, I am experiencing more 'friendliness' and I don't mean in the form of come-ons. I mean, I look much better but am approaching 50, another invisibility factor, but men, like bus drivers or men at the bus stop or yoga class are just nicer to me. I think, for men, they are fearful of being nice or friendly to a heavier woman, because they fear that it may be mistaken for attraction and they may be somewhat right. I did, many times, read more into what it really meant when a man was at all nice to me and mistook it for interest and it never was. Never ever. Don't ever kid yourself about shy men. When men know what they want, they go after it.
But being invisible is hard. It is like you don't 'count'. Society is very mean to heavy people. There were some people talking about fat women and laughing at them before yoga class last week. I was appalled and if I were still heavy, I doubt that conversation would have even taken place. This is probably normal conversation though, that I missed out on for years!
I was invisible among family and friends. When I was younger and REALLY heavy no one ever asked me if I were dating someone. They knew I wasn't! My sisters used my fatdom and single momedness to exclude me from family activities. I knew why they did it, even if they didn't admit it because they also did it to my other really heavy sister. Did it hurt? Hell yeah. I felt so bad and angry that I was already isolated and then to even have your own family isolate you even further? I am over it now and one of the sisters who engaged in this is dead. Which is also sad. And hurtful.
I can only imagine what my friends thought about me. The token fat girl friend. They were nice, but I bet they were vicious behind my back. I am sure they were. One of them, even though I have changed, still treats me like FAT DUMPY JOAN FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
Do people ever know the pain and harm they do other people? I probably do this on some level. Last week I was sitting in the weight watcher meeting thinking man are there ever a lot of FAT women here! Hardy har har. I am one of the normal looking people there. I am a thin one there.
A lot of these women look very sad and unhappy and I know they are in a lot of pain. Because I have been there. And even though they are invisible to our society in a lot of ways and are ignored and talked about when they can't here, they also are a very visible presence of what thinner people don't want to be. Thinner people, me included, look at them and think I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. And they know people think that way.
When I went to Jamaica recently I thought that about a lot of women. There were a lot of heavy women in bikinis at the resort on the beach. There were more women I DIDN'T want to look like than I DID want to look like. There were a lot of thin out of shape women I don't want to look like either. The yoga teachers were goddesses. Real goddesses. They had curves and muscle and were healthy and glowing.
What point am I getting to? Mostly that we should all approach weight loss and health from just that perspective. What do we want our visibility to show? I have a goal weight but I also have a goal body image that I think about even more. When I look in the Bikram mirror, where you can not hide from yourself, I criticque my body and notice the changes. Like last night I noticed that my waist is really whittled down, but that my arms could use more toning. Time to get out the weights again! I don't know what I will look like when I get to goal, but I do know I will keep changing and improving on what I have at that point.
I don't want to be invisible like that ever again. I count. We all count. Heavy women count too. I can't do anything about the scorn and hatred that heavy women have to live with. But I do recognize it. And I can choose to not act in that way towards anyone, including myself.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
My Head is Reeling
Well, I was right, as usual, last Friday about coworker. After listening to another woman and I talk about our weight watcher successes and finding out another HUGE woman we work with has lost 40 pounds since January from weight watchers, she started asking about it. I even let her look at my book. However, since the weekend, she has shown no interest again. Last week she talked about going to a meeting. I doubt it will ever happen, but this morning she said she was going to put off buying new clothes until she loses MORE weight. If I had a dime for every time this woman talked about losing MORE weight. Then she said until then, she will wear the same capris she wore last summer and the summer before that and.....we are talking six years of the same clothes she has worn over and over while waiting to lose more weight. This morning, I practically fainted when she said it. I like her and would never challenge her. I probably did have people challenge me on the bs when I was heavier when I was spewing the denial crap and I probably labeled them as mean, like my mom. My mom is mean though. Now she is trying to rattle me for losing weight. Sadly, I know my coworker will NEVER lose weight, let alone MORE weight. Today she is going out for some fattening lunch and then out for ice cream later. She did a 2.5 mile walk for something last weekend and told me about the fattening lunch she had afterwards. The fact is, this woman can not let any food pass by without saying YES. NO to food is not in her vocabulary.
Actually the ice cream is part of a state wide employee appreciation thing. We don't get raises, so they give out free ice cream once a year. I never go. They can cram the ice cream up their asses in the State of Wisconsin as far as I am concerned.
So I diligently move along and do things the right way, but sometimes it is just so HARD. It is so much work and to listen to people who think a two mile walk will allow them to cram anything in their pieholes and then tell me they are losing weight? And they never get on a scale? Hard to believe I know. I log food into three places somedays. Today I am doubling my workout. 50 HARD minutes on the elliptical followed by a 90 minute session at Bikram yoga.
I am a warrior I tell ya!
Actually the ice cream is part of a state wide employee appreciation thing. We don't get raises, so they give out free ice cream once a year. I never go. They can cram the ice cream up their asses in the State of Wisconsin as far as I am concerned.
So I diligently move along and do things the right way, but sometimes it is just so HARD. It is so much work and to listen to people who think a two mile walk will allow them to cram anything in their pieholes and then tell me they are losing weight? And they never get on a scale? Hard to believe I know. I log food into three places somedays. Today I am doubling my workout. 50 HARD minutes on the elliptical followed by a 90 minute session at Bikram yoga.
I am a warrior I tell ya!
Monday, May 01, 2006
11 Pounds from Goal
I had a 1.2 loss this week which was excellent. I started adding cardio on the elliptical and have four 50 minute sessions planned a week. Wish I could make a 2 pound loss happen but oh well. Just keep doing what I am doing. I am getting close, but it is still so slow.
This is weird though. I am starting to fit in size 8s in pants and jeans. My 10s are baggy as hell. I saw the measurements of a woman on Ediets who is my height and is about 25 pounds thinner and her measurements were very similar to mine, which leads me to believe I am carrying a lot of muscle. I am going to get it measured at the gym and should make an appointment today to do that. Will be interesting.
Had a fight with fiance over the house being a mess. He doesn't see the problem and thinks everything is fine and that his kids do try. I didn't mean to pick on them again, but I get very discouraged coming home day after day to a mess in the house. Plus my daughter is coming home from college and I am trying to set up a system of chores and tv time for everyone in the house that is equal across the board but am sure there will be grumbling. I don't give a rat's ass about the grumbling but he is so worried his kids won't like him. I could care less about my kid not liking me. Lord. His kids are just lazy as hell and there mom is a pig so they don't understand the whole concept of living in cleanliness. My daughter does understand that. Part of the problem is that last summer she could never watch tv because his kids are glued to it 24/7 when they are home. I am sure they hate me for inflicting this shit on them but I don't see the point of just letting kids rule the house and do what they please. His oldest is almost 20. I told him someday he will move out and is he prepared for that at all? No. He can throw a frozen pizza in the oven and that is the extent of it. My daughter lived in a dorm all year so I know she did learn that you don't wake up in the morning and everything is there for you. She doesn't cook meals or anything like that but she does have to learn somewhat to fend for herself. My project with her this summer is to get her to start eating regular healthy meals. She starves all day and then binges with a huge amount of food. Told her she will have to learn this when she gets her own apartment and to fix yourself a sandwich or bowl of soup or she will be eating out all the time and wasting money on food or just eating chips. She is very lazy about that too, but at least I work at these issues unlike fiance who just lets his kids do as they wish and doesn't try to instill any habits in them that will aid them along in life.
I mean why do people have kids? They aren't frigging pets. Just bugs the hell out of me that his kids are so useless. I came home on Friday and the oldest was actually mowing the lawn. That is because he called his dad and wanted to go out to eat so fiance told him that he had to mow the lawn and couldn't do both so that was incentive for him to do it but that is the first time he has done it since I have been there. Anyway later I was at the convenience store and the neighbor lady was there and actually said to me she was glad to finally see one of the boys out there doing something besides their dad all the time. I told him too. I mean, yeah she was a bitch for saying that to me when I hardly know her but it is pretty bad when other people notice how useless your kids are. I see plenty of boys their age out doing stuff in the neighborhood.
Anyway, am really feeling sensitive about things since I am at this last 11 pounds. I was about this weight in high school and right before I had my baby 19 years ago. So this is low for me and I am feeling sensitive like I did during those periods. Feel like I am living through my high school insecurities all over again and it is weird and scarey. Feel like withdrawing right now from stuff and from people. Plus I have to face my family reunion at the end of the summer when I will be under my goal weight hopefully and they will not be positive or supportive and I will have to endure their jealous passive aggressive bs, especially from my dear mom.
Bee-atches. Sick of them all.
This is weird though. I am starting to fit in size 8s in pants and jeans. My 10s are baggy as hell. I saw the measurements of a woman on Ediets who is my height and is about 25 pounds thinner and her measurements were very similar to mine, which leads me to believe I am carrying a lot of muscle. I am going to get it measured at the gym and should make an appointment today to do that. Will be interesting.
Had a fight with fiance over the house being a mess. He doesn't see the problem and thinks everything is fine and that his kids do try. I didn't mean to pick on them again, but I get very discouraged coming home day after day to a mess in the house. Plus my daughter is coming home from college and I am trying to set up a system of chores and tv time for everyone in the house that is equal across the board but am sure there will be grumbling. I don't give a rat's ass about the grumbling but he is so worried his kids won't like him. I could care less about my kid not liking me. Lord. His kids are just lazy as hell and there mom is a pig so they don't understand the whole concept of living in cleanliness. My daughter does understand that. Part of the problem is that last summer she could never watch tv because his kids are glued to it 24/7 when they are home. I am sure they hate me for inflicting this shit on them but I don't see the point of just letting kids rule the house and do what they please. His oldest is almost 20. I told him someday he will move out and is he prepared for that at all? No. He can throw a frozen pizza in the oven and that is the extent of it. My daughter lived in a dorm all year so I know she did learn that you don't wake up in the morning and everything is there for you. She doesn't cook meals or anything like that but she does have to learn somewhat to fend for herself. My project with her this summer is to get her to start eating regular healthy meals. She starves all day and then binges with a huge amount of food. Told her she will have to learn this when she gets her own apartment and to fix yourself a sandwich or bowl of soup or she will be eating out all the time and wasting money on food or just eating chips. She is very lazy about that too, but at least I work at these issues unlike fiance who just lets his kids do as they wish and doesn't try to instill any habits in them that will aid them along in life.
I mean why do people have kids? They aren't frigging pets. Just bugs the hell out of me that his kids are so useless. I came home on Friday and the oldest was actually mowing the lawn. That is because he called his dad and wanted to go out to eat so fiance told him that he had to mow the lawn and couldn't do both so that was incentive for him to do it but that is the first time he has done it since I have been there. Anyway later I was at the convenience store and the neighbor lady was there and actually said to me she was glad to finally see one of the boys out there doing something besides their dad all the time. I told him too. I mean, yeah she was a bitch for saying that to me when I hardly know her but it is pretty bad when other people notice how useless your kids are. I see plenty of boys their age out doing stuff in the neighborhood.
Anyway, am really feeling sensitive about things since I am at this last 11 pounds. I was about this weight in high school and right before I had my baby 19 years ago. So this is low for me and I am feeling sensitive like I did during those periods. Feel like I am living through my high school insecurities all over again and it is weird and scarey. Feel like withdrawing right now from stuff and from people. Plus I have to face my family reunion at the end of the summer when I will be under my goal weight hopefully and they will not be positive or supportive and I will have to endure their jealous passive aggressive bs, especially from my dear mom.
Bee-atches. Sick of them all.
Friday, April 28, 2006
A MOMENT
I belive my coworker had a 'moment' yesterday. Another woman was in here working with me and she is back to weight watchers. Not going to meetings, but just doing it on her own. She was four pounds from goal last summer and then some doc probably put her on some unnecessary meds and the result was gaining all the weight back. Anyway she and I were yacking about it and I know coworker eavesdrops on everything and found out this other HUGE woman who works up here has last 40 pounds from being on weight watchers since January. I thought she looked better. I will have to compliment her next time I get a chance. Plus, this woman has a sister I don't like who works in the next building who must weigh like 400 pounds I lie not.
Anyway I asked coworker if she had heard about Kathy losing 40 pounds, which it took me since September to lose, and she asked if she was working out. Coworker joined a gym in January and hasn't lost an ounce. I think she is figuring this out. Told her I didn't know but maybe Kathy is walking or doing Curves or something. She looked a little sheepish. She must be realizing by now that working out three times a week is not resulting in any weight loss especially when you can not pass up every sweet roll and cookie that you see. There is ALWAYS food around here and she ALWAYS eats it.
Anyway I hope she had the moment. I had mine September 1st, 2005 and made a plan and moved forward NO MATTER WHAT. I did remark to the woman I was working with, loud enough for coworker to hear, that YOU HAVE TO WEIGH YOURSELF OR YOU ARE JUST IN DENIAL ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT. There is no way to know if you are losing. I don't go 100% by the scale but it is a weekly indication of something. If I gain, even .2 or whatever, I change something immediately and reevaluate what I am doing.
Also, I am sick of coworker prancing in here and telling me how much weight she is losing when it is so obvious that she is losing NOTHING. So pissed at her anyway for coming in and cranking on the air conditioner as I speak. If she lost some weight maybe she wouldn't be so hot all the time. I never acknowledge this pretend weight loss with her and just tell her that is good when she claims her clothes, which are all knits are baggy because not ONE TIME has she acknowledged my weight loss.
Maybe she had a moment. Maybe not. Will see what she brings in to eat today. I am glad for Kathy though. She is a nice lady and is very pretty. I know her whole family is heavy and that is a struggle because then every family occasion is like mine, full of crap and junky food which makes it harder. I doubt the 400 pound sister will be that supportive. I used to take the bus with her and she is extremeley patronizing and bossy for some reason.
I struggled with the idea of going raw and tried that last week and the experiment did not work. A lot of my Ediets friends are doing it successfully and that kind of bothered me that I didn't seem to have the same experience. Till I figured out why.
I realized I have no intention of making it a permanent way of life. It just isn't for me. While I strive and am successful at incorporating a lot of healthy fruits and veggies and organic foods in my diet, I don't feel like I want this as my lifestyle 100%. I talked to a friend that is a nutritionist and she agreed that while eating raw organic fruits and veggies in the diet is good, lightly steaming or sauteeing veggies is also healthy and aids in the digestion of fiber. So if I did do this over a period of time, I would really only be doing it with the intention of weight loss and would go back off it for sure and would probably gain weight back. I might lose faster, but in the long run, I do not want this lifestyle.
Today is a major busy day. The weekend is too. I have to buy my fiance his birthday presents and am buying new bedding and lamps for the bedroom so I can get more of that godawful country crap out his ex decorated with. Blech.
Anyway I asked coworker if she had heard about Kathy losing 40 pounds, which it took me since September to lose, and she asked if she was working out. Coworker joined a gym in January and hasn't lost an ounce. I think she is figuring this out. Told her I didn't know but maybe Kathy is walking or doing Curves or something. She looked a little sheepish. She must be realizing by now that working out three times a week is not resulting in any weight loss especially when you can not pass up every sweet roll and cookie that you see. There is ALWAYS food around here and she ALWAYS eats it.
Anyway I hope she had the moment. I had mine September 1st, 2005 and made a plan and moved forward NO MATTER WHAT. I did remark to the woman I was working with, loud enough for coworker to hear, that YOU HAVE TO WEIGH YOURSELF OR YOU ARE JUST IN DENIAL ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT. There is no way to know if you are losing. I don't go 100% by the scale but it is a weekly indication of something. If I gain, even .2 or whatever, I change something immediately and reevaluate what I am doing.
Also, I am sick of coworker prancing in here and telling me how much weight she is losing when it is so obvious that she is losing NOTHING. So pissed at her anyway for coming in and cranking on the air conditioner as I speak. If she lost some weight maybe she wouldn't be so hot all the time. I never acknowledge this pretend weight loss with her and just tell her that is good when she claims her clothes, which are all knits are baggy because not ONE TIME has she acknowledged my weight loss.
Maybe she had a moment. Maybe not. Will see what she brings in to eat today. I am glad for Kathy though. She is a nice lady and is very pretty. I know her whole family is heavy and that is a struggle because then every family occasion is like mine, full of crap and junky food which makes it harder. I doubt the 400 pound sister will be that supportive. I used to take the bus with her and she is extremeley patronizing and bossy for some reason.
I struggled with the idea of going raw and tried that last week and the experiment did not work. A lot of my Ediets friends are doing it successfully and that kind of bothered me that I didn't seem to have the same experience. Till I figured out why.
I realized I have no intention of making it a permanent way of life. It just isn't for me. While I strive and am successful at incorporating a lot of healthy fruits and veggies and organic foods in my diet, I don't feel like I want this as my lifestyle 100%. I talked to a friend that is a nutritionist and she agreed that while eating raw organic fruits and veggies in the diet is good, lightly steaming or sauteeing veggies is also healthy and aids in the digestion of fiber. So if I did do this over a period of time, I would really only be doing it with the intention of weight loss and would go back off it for sure and would probably gain weight back. I might lose faster, but in the long run, I do not want this lifestyle.
Today is a major busy day. The weekend is too. I have to buy my fiance his birthday presents and am buying new bedding and lamps for the bedroom so I can get more of that godawful country crap out his ex decorated with. Blech.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
FOOD
What a profound subject.
For people like myself with eating disorders it is like a 24 hour a day chat in your head. What am I going to eat, what should I get at the store, memories of good meals. It is incessant and it never stops.
Anybody ever know of or hear someone who has been on drugs and ruined their lives and wondered why don't they just STOP doing the drugs.
I think the chatter is the same only accompanied by some strong physical stuff.
Why can't Whitney Houston just STOP the drugs and kick Bobby Brown OUTTADAHOUSE.
Why can't Robert Downey JR. just say no?
Remember Nancy Reagan just say no to drugs? She just said no to food too didn't she. Simplistic and easy approach.
That doesn't work for 99% of us.
I read a post on Weight Watchers about a woman who struggled and finally got to goal. Her best always thin never had a food issue friend had not much to say on her journey down. Didn't offer a lot of support. Wasn't passive aggressive though. Which is something I am experiencing now and dealing with with NICENESS and NEVER APPROACHING THE WEIGHT LOSS SUBJECT. Anyway when this woman got to goal she sat down and talked to her long and large about what a struggle this was and that she was an emotional eater and fueled her bad feelings, pain, loneliness, what have you with SUGAR or CHOCOLATE or CHIPS.
The woman stared at her blankly while she unloaded this on her. Then the realization came to the woman who lost.
Her best friend had never experienced eating food for emotional reasons. She had never binged. She ate when she was hungry. She stopped when she wasn't. Her whole life.
What a moment that must have been. Her friend had no comprehension of what this woman's life had been like. What a lot of our lives are like?
I had a room mate in college who dated a man who belonged to AA. Occasionally they had other AA people over and they would go through mass quantities of coffee and the living room would be smokey as hell. I figured they had transferred one habit for another. But they had to QUIT the juice.
We overeaters can't quit the juice. We have to eat so every mouthful has the potential to either make our bodies fatter or thinner. When do we stop eating? What do we do when our emotions lead us to the fridge.
Actually we do pretty much the same thing, only hopefully we don't smoke. We have to find new habits and new hobbies. The food obsession never leaves though I am quite sure. I should try to experiment with just one day of eating when hungry and stopping when not. I bet it wouldn't work. I would still overeat or undereat or choose the wrong things. It would take a long time to retrain myself to be like that. Years. A life time.
For people like myself with eating disorders it is like a 24 hour a day chat in your head. What am I going to eat, what should I get at the store, memories of good meals. It is incessant and it never stops.
Anybody ever know of or hear someone who has been on drugs and ruined their lives and wondered why don't they just STOP doing the drugs.
I think the chatter is the same only accompanied by some strong physical stuff.
Why can't Whitney Houston just STOP the drugs and kick Bobby Brown OUTTADAHOUSE.
Why can't Robert Downey JR. just say no?
Remember Nancy Reagan just say no to drugs? She just said no to food too didn't she. Simplistic and easy approach.
That doesn't work for 99% of us.
I read a post on Weight Watchers about a woman who struggled and finally got to goal. Her best always thin never had a food issue friend had not much to say on her journey down. Didn't offer a lot of support. Wasn't passive aggressive though. Which is something I am experiencing now and dealing with with NICENESS and NEVER APPROACHING THE WEIGHT LOSS SUBJECT. Anyway when this woman got to goal she sat down and talked to her long and large about what a struggle this was and that she was an emotional eater and fueled her bad feelings, pain, loneliness, what have you with SUGAR or CHOCOLATE or CHIPS.
The woman stared at her blankly while she unloaded this on her. Then the realization came to the woman who lost.
Her best friend had never experienced eating food for emotional reasons. She had never binged. She ate when she was hungry. She stopped when she wasn't. Her whole life.
What a moment that must have been. Her friend had no comprehension of what this woman's life had been like. What a lot of our lives are like?
I had a room mate in college who dated a man who belonged to AA. Occasionally they had other AA people over and they would go through mass quantities of coffee and the living room would be smokey as hell. I figured they had transferred one habit for another. But they had to QUIT the juice.
We overeaters can't quit the juice. We have to eat so every mouthful has the potential to either make our bodies fatter or thinner. When do we stop eating? What do we do when our emotions lead us to the fridge.
Actually we do pretty much the same thing, only hopefully we don't smoke. We have to find new habits and new hobbies. The food obsession never leaves though I am quite sure. I should try to experiment with just one day of eating when hungry and stopping when not. I bet it wouldn't work. I would still overeat or undereat or choose the wrong things. It would take a long time to retrain myself to be like that. Years. A life time.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Bitch Stared At My Shoes On Elevator AGAIN TODAY
I'm just saying......
She did glance to see what un-sensible shoes I was wearing.
Had a great day yesterday. I am glad I am unraw for now. Made a great chili last night to take with me during the rest of the week and the timing was good. It is cold here this morning. Hope this is our last real cold spell. Was very chilly at the bus stop. Also I did 45 minutes on the elliptical yesterday. I love cardio. I really do. I need to invest in a home cardio machine but there is so much that needs to be done at our house as far as painting and yard work for now that I can't rationalize buying an expensive piece of equipment right now.
I woke up hungry. That is always good when I am looking for a big weight loss week and I am this week. I have a bunch of mini-meals planned and am going for an elliptical session prior to yoga so am being a real warrior this week. Tomorrow I am doing two yoga classes in a row.
Have to scare this fat away.
I was becoming somewhat self-satisfied with this weight loss I have had, but all of a sudden, that went away and I am faced with not-good-enoughitis. I want to be better. I feel like I am hypercritical of everyone though and keep calling other heavier women fat bitches under my breathe. I know it isn't nice.
On an off note. I love HBO tv. There is so little on the networks that have the quality of HBO series.
Last night I watched the second part of Elizabeth I. I hope Helen Mirran gets an Emmy for that one. For sure she will be nominated. What a superb actor. I suppose she will get nominated against CSI botoxed type of leading actresses in that category? I find those shoes stiff and devoid of character. I never watch network series like those ever. I do watch Lost, but do not think they have anything special in the way of actresses. That Evangeline Lilly is overrated as far as hotness. She looks like a teenage boy. Men just like her because of the extreme low rides and the whole bikini wax fantasy thing they have. The show is good, but has moved slow this year. There have been intermittent bursts of information. My step son is into their stupid message boards. Those people don't know shit.
I also love Entourage. What a great show. The guys are all cute and Jeremy Pivens steals the show. I love Matt Dillons brother too. Hilarious show.
Sopranos of course. The best tv series ever.
Now I am hooked on Big Love. My fiance was saying this show could never be on network tv since they show Bill Paxton nude with all three wives, but I think the networks would never touch the religion viewpoint. I can't think of any series ever that has seriously approached the subject of a person practicing his faith and the struggles they have with it. That is what puts this series out there. Jean Tripplethorn is great. What a beautiful woman. They probably wouldn't put her on networks unless she got super thin either. She is normal and gorgeous. Great cast. I love this show.
Remind me to quit watching network tv, except for reality. I do love Idol and Survivor still but that is about it. Oh, and the Office. Hilarious.
I am creating new tv rules for our family room this summer so the Woad boys don't hog the tv all summer. They don't know about it yet and am sure they will hate it but too bad. Oh, that is another reason I love Big Love. I am trying to convince fiance that this polygamy thing is a great idea. He could get a couple other wives, let them live in separate houses. I would like one to do cleaning and the other, hopefully find a more maternal type, for the kids to all live with. This would be great and I could get rid of him two out of every three nights. Just me and the dog and my clean house without his kids around.
I am a genius. After I get to goal, I want to be Queen of England!
She did glance to see what un-sensible shoes I was wearing.
Had a great day yesterday. I am glad I am unraw for now. Made a great chili last night to take with me during the rest of the week and the timing was good. It is cold here this morning. Hope this is our last real cold spell. Was very chilly at the bus stop. Also I did 45 minutes on the elliptical yesterday. I love cardio. I really do. I need to invest in a home cardio machine but there is so much that needs to be done at our house as far as painting and yard work for now that I can't rationalize buying an expensive piece of equipment right now.
I woke up hungry. That is always good when I am looking for a big weight loss week and I am this week. I have a bunch of mini-meals planned and am going for an elliptical session prior to yoga so am being a real warrior this week. Tomorrow I am doing two yoga classes in a row.
Have to scare this fat away.
I was becoming somewhat self-satisfied with this weight loss I have had, but all of a sudden, that went away and I am faced with not-good-enoughitis. I want to be better. I feel like I am hypercritical of everyone though and keep calling other heavier women fat bitches under my breathe. I know it isn't nice.
On an off note. I love HBO tv. There is so little on the networks that have the quality of HBO series.
Last night I watched the second part of Elizabeth I. I hope Helen Mirran gets an Emmy for that one. For sure she will be nominated. What a superb actor. I suppose she will get nominated against CSI botoxed type of leading actresses in that category? I find those shoes stiff and devoid of character. I never watch network series like those ever. I do watch Lost, but do not think they have anything special in the way of actresses. That Evangeline Lilly is overrated as far as hotness. She looks like a teenage boy. Men just like her because of the extreme low rides and the whole bikini wax fantasy thing they have. The show is good, but has moved slow this year. There have been intermittent bursts of information. My step son is into their stupid message boards. Those people don't know shit.
I also love Entourage. What a great show. The guys are all cute and Jeremy Pivens steals the show. I love Matt Dillons brother too. Hilarious show.
Sopranos of course. The best tv series ever.
Now I am hooked on Big Love. My fiance was saying this show could never be on network tv since they show Bill Paxton nude with all three wives, but I think the networks would never touch the religion viewpoint. I can't think of any series ever that has seriously approached the subject of a person practicing his faith and the struggles they have with it. That is what puts this series out there. Jean Tripplethorn is great. What a beautiful woman. They probably wouldn't put her on networks unless she got super thin either. She is normal and gorgeous. Great cast. I love this show.
Remind me to quit watching network tv, except for reality. I do love Idol and Survivor still but that is about it. Oh, and the Office. Hilarious.
I am creating new tv rules for our family room this summer so the Woad boys don't hog the tv all summer. They don't know about it yet and am sure they will hate it but too bad. Oh, that is another reason I love Big Love. I am trying to convince fiance that this polygamy thing is a great idea. He could get a couple other wives, let them live in separate houses. I would like one to do cleaning and the other, hopefully find a more maternal type, for the kids to all live with. This would be great and I could get rid of him two out of every three nights. Just me and the dog and my clean house without his kids around.
I am a genius. After I get to goal, I want to be Queen of England!
Monday, April 24, 2006
A Bit Agitated
Every last nerve is agitated today. My raw experiment did not pan out last week. I ended up with an unofficial .2 loss. I got on the weight watcher scale and the weigher was distracted and the scale showed a .2 loss and the minute she looked it jumped up to last weeks weight so officially I stayed the same. That does show how weird the scale is. What did I do? Breathe too deeply? I recorded my weight as .2 down though. I was starving all week and thought I would have a loss from changing to a diet of mainly raw food. It also made me constipated and I know I should realistically give it more time, but I felt very panicy all week so think I am just not ready for this at this point. I explained this on my Ediets support thread and someone sort of commented on sticking with something etc like I just said, and it just set off my mood for the weekend. I know she didn’t mean it that way but I just felt like I have accomplished nothing and felt very fat all weekend and still do.Thus the agitation. My coworker came in making a lot of noise and was bugged out about me setting the thermostat up again. We have two different body temps. She is fat and is hot all the time and I am always cold. People always come in our office and remark how cold it is but it pissed me off she set the thermostat down to 68. I turned it back up a bit but she might have turned it back down when I went out a bit ago. Playing games with this.
I also came into a bunch of work that is irritating me. I am leaving early and am looking forward to going to the gym for a change and doing some cardio. I have a feeling yoga would agitate me too. I am also probably agitated because we had a nice weekend alone and now kids will be there from now until September. Yikes. I should probably just be alone today and hope this passes.
Also I tried to link some other blogsites to mine and it didn't work. Excuse my retardation today.
I also came into a bunch of work that is irritating me. I am leaving early and am looking forward to going to the gym for a change and doing some cardio. I have a feeling yoga would agitate me too. I am also probably agitated because we had a nice weekend alone and now kids will be there from now until September. Yikes. I should probably just be alone today and hope this passes.
Also I tried to link some other blogsites to mine and it didn't work. Excuse my retardation today.
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