Another Weight Maintenance Loss Blog

Sick of the Yoga Blog

2007-11-30T05:04:00.001-08:00

This is my original weight loss blog. I have been gone a while but need this outlet badly right now.

To catch up, a few months ago I got a new job. Which I love. That is going well. I am sitting in my own office as I speak with a panoramic view of a prairie restoration area and the sun rise on a cold morning. I just ate my breakfast of oatmeal eggs and juice after spending 40 minutes on the elliptical at the Y this morning which is about a block from here.

I am a certified yoga instructor now and am teaching a lot of yoga. I take every class I can for people who need subs. I teach yoga, flow, hot yoga, and yin. I love my students. I am going back for another 300 hours to become a yoga therapist. I am hoping this turns into a lucrative career at some point. I like my new job, but being an accountant is pretty boring and I love being involved with yoga.

Just being at the gym this morning showed me I am needed and this career should be booming soon. I am on the cutting edge of this. My training starts in March and will take a year to complete. I already read everything I can on yoga therapy but I have a lot to learn. This morning I saw a 55 to 60ish year old man running on the treadmill with his knee bandaged up. I imagine he had surgery on it. His body was so stiff and he was running so crooked I bet his hips must be crying. I saw a lot with other people. They are either just lolling along on a piece of equipment or just don't know what they are doing. Just because they go to a gym, doesn't mean they are fit. Most of them could have used a trainer. They were either doing something wrong or totally wasting their time. I do HIIT on the elliptical and check my heart rate all the time and at least break out a sweat.

Anyway it is 76 days until I get married and go to Maui, thus the heavy workouts and clean nutrition. I will come back and talk about diet soon. I need to read about where I have been first.

For now, me

DID NOT DISAPPEAR

2007-09-17T05:34:00.000-07:00

I had to open another blog, which is about yoga. I just completed teacher training a month ago and now have a lot of homestudy and journaling is one of the assignments. Here is the link:

http://joansyogablog.blogspot.com/

It isn't very interesting to be honest.

Oh I am also back on weight watchers having gained ten pounds of ugly fat. I am so proud of myself!

THE THING

2007-07-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

Crazy insane stuff this yoga is. I hadn’t been to Bikrams in a week and have been doing ‘flow’ type which, for me, just isn’t the same. It is yoga and it is good. And for some people. A lot of people actually. It is the thing for them. But the thing for me is Bikrams and really pretty much that is the only thing that solves ‘it’ for me.

Anyway I went to class last night and hadn’t been there for a week. After having this crazy colonoscopy stuff that three my body off, the weight gain, and the brain stuff that is driving me insane-o. And working as hard as I can to get the food thing on track, which is time consuming and also causing me big time brain problems. Right now, not listening to my brain is taking a lot of energy.

I knew I needed yoga last night but I walked into the studio and it was superhot and I didn’t think I would get through it, but I rocked it like a rockstar instead and just realize it is the only thing I get a total mental, physical, spiritual release from. It takes care of it all.

But that is just for me. It may not do that for anyone else but for me, it is the THING. That works. I am going back tonight. Might have a bad class but it really doesn’t matter. I know it will work and I know something will be better because listening to my brain right now is just bad. NOT a good place to be at.

Also on the subject of yesterday. Celebrity gain back. Has anyone seen Courtney Love. She is very skinny right now. Apparently she gained weight up to 182 pounds on a macrobiotic diet and now has lost 45 pounds in four months drinking two protein shakes a day and one meal of fish and veggies.

She will gain back. Because she is an addict. She just spent four months being addicted to a diet. She will fall off.

ALL GOOD FOR NOW

2007-07-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

I am loving this new life I have, but I am super busy. It is fun being busy doing something you love. My ‘real’ job is not something I love. It is something I loathe. But, having the yoga training now gives me something to look forward to. I will be spending another full weekend in training but instead of thinking of it as something that will exhaust and drain me, I look at is as something that reinvigorates me. It gives me hope. That I won’t be always doing something I hate in a toxic workplace with toxic people. Hope is a good thing.

I am also not being as hard on myself for the small weight gain because this week I noticed that most people who lose gain, and the rest just gain. I am working with the Precision Nutrition program. I am getting married in February and we are going to Hawaii and I am taking no extra fat there.

At any rate, after reading several magazine articles about Janet Jackson and her great weight loss, I picked one up at the grocery store yesterday and yup. Janet has gained a ton back. I saw her 1200 calorie a day diet. No one can keep that up long term or life term. I would have been miserable on it for two days. Also, Kirstie Alley. Yup. Gained weight. I know those pictures of Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem look good, but I doubt and have not heard much raving about it. In fact,most of it is nutritionally devoid of anything wholesome and probably tastes like crap. From what I have heard anyways. I have never tried any of it. I don’t usually have frozen Smart Ones or any of that at home because it seems to me you are basically paying for the packaging. A lot of women carry them to work here to eat and when they make them in the microwave, I can smell that box smell and it doesn’t do much for me. I am sticking with superfoods and hoping I can keep this up. But 1200 calorie a day diets don’t work for me. I don’t like suffering.

Last week I had my first colonoscopy and basically had to starve for two days. This totally freaked my body out. I started a mini binge on Friday and then got myself in check. My digestive system is sort of back to normal today but I am so mentally and physically tuned into my body. My body just freaks out. Then my brain freaks out. I am trying to not listen to the brain much these days because it has been saying so much crazy stuff.
But it likes the yoga training and my new career. My mind, body, heart, and soul are very in tune with this. During the weekend we were in a yoga class and I just realized that this is the right thing to do and I could not not do this. I would regret that even with all the craziness going on. It is all good.

MESSED UP BIG TIME

2007-07-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

By not getting on the scale for two months. Today I weighed myself and am up about ten pounds now from my lowest weight. That totally sucks. I just jump back on though because this is not acceptable, but it is predictable.

Because I am, after all, a yo yo dieter. The scale is my enemy. I have been known to not get on one for years and years. The last time I did it for a long period of time, I gained about 40 pounds. So this time, I got off easy. I was going through a lot of stress not weighing myself and now the stress is gone because I KNOW where I am and am not living in denial that no my pants aren't really getting tightere. Because they are. I hate saying that. But it is true.

This is a bad cycle I have been in all my life. It is self destructive and it makes me feel a lot of self-loathing so I punish myself by eating.

But I know I will lose it again. Everyone backslides. I am a yo yo dieter and a food addict and nothing will change that. If I would not have gotten on the scale in another two months, it would have been another ten pounds and at 20 pounds, I would be less likely to lose it. The ten pounds is doable. I am getting married next February and intend to be in the best shape of my life.

IT IS ALL GOING DOWN

2007-07-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

This blog will eventually transform to a web site about me and my career as a yoga therapist. I just started my official teacher training as a certified yoga teacher. This December I start my training as a yoga therapist. I am hoping this gets me out of my current career as a CPA in accounting hell. Or at least some decent part time income on the side. My dream is to quit this place but the reality is the insurance and retirement is too good to give up, but I can tweak it. Maybe go part time? As a yoga therapist I can charge more per hour. Loving this.

Really superbusy right now and preparing for my first colonoscopy tomorrow.

OMG Everyone Is Fat

2007-07-02T05:30:00.001-07:00

I went to the fireworks on Saturday night.

It is true. Everyone is fat. It is an epidemic but I don't think anyone realizes it because they are probably in denial that they are fat. I know I am obsessed over my weight and my body image but I have to think it is better than just not caring? And just not caring about their health.

Most women in my age group are overweight. I would say the obesity rate in the 30-50 age range is pretty high too. But the younger women? I really did not see one woman there who was fit or trim. Everyone was either out of shape or overweight or both. There was one young women there running around in a bikini who should not have been. I wouldn't call her that overweight but she had no muscle tone. It seems like the younger women, like in the 18 to 25 range aren't exactly overweight yet but there was a lot of midriff pudge, that I attribute to sugar being too prevalent in their diet.

I should stop complaining. Really. The only way to stay in shape and to look good is to be a little obsessive. The alternative seems to be not giving a damn and eating all the chips I want. I hated myself overweight. Do all these people, not just women either, there are plenty of overweight men, just accept it or are they as unhappy with themselves as I was.

It isn't about perfection. It is about caring about yourself and your health. The statistics are out there on obesity. Children. Obesity. Don't even get me going on that. Diabetes. High blood pressure. All these life style related diseases. No one is listening though. No one is really willing to do what it takes to live a better life. I will go back to the fireworks next year, just to see if people have gotten fatter.

Food Binge Alert

2007-06-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a minor food binge in the morning. I hadn't had one in a couple of months. I stopped myself, got back on plan, but felt sick and still feel sick today. Thinking back on it I didn't eat that much. I had like three cokes, a candy bar, and some trail mix. Believe me, my normal food binges are more like five cokes, two candy bars, a bag of chips, and a box of crackers. The reason I had it is because:

1. I have been avoiding the scale. I decided to not go on before the wedding next week because if I don't like it I will freak out but I will do it the week after.
2. Major stress over finances and annoying people at work.

Also I am diet coke detoxing today. Not feeling good and most of the aftermath of the binge is emotions and trying to feel them, rather than eat them. I am dealing with the problems. One of my morning triggers is stopping at the convenience store for diet coke. Today I did not stop. Now I just have to keep doing that. My last three yoga classes have been crap too, probably for emotional reasons. The night before I had to go back in for a late night class because of the annoying people who work by me, and about halfway through I felt this major release of stress and it was gone. I also was sweating like crazy and could smell the diet coke coming out of my body, thus the reason for quitting. Again. It smelled metallic.

This has been a rough week. I feel beat up and tired. I am going to leave at lunch for yin yoga and then will go home and lick my wounds for the week.

On a good note, I am almost positive I am signing up next week for yoga therapy. In that I will be a yoga therapist. It is a 500 hour program. I mentioned it to the studio owner and she said she would LOVE to have a therapist on staff. It will work for me because I can get my referrals for my personal business right there.

NO LONGER JUST ABOUT THE WEIGHT LOSS

2007-06-22T06:47:00.001-07:00

Something scarey is happening to me. I KNEW this would happen but I tried to avert. In spite of my intention of hoping yoga would not take me down the road of giving up my career for bliss but the eventual poverty of a life committed to yogadom and a better me, it is overcoming me and taking me down and the seed is planted. And it will grow. Growing it is doing.

I can’t stray from my path and I have found my path. I became an accountant and CPA to have financial security while raising a child as a single mom. It did that for me, but now it is damaging my soul. My workplace and the people in it are toxic. I have gone through a lot here at work and the people here have tried to diminish me so that my work place is poisonous. The people here are vile and empty. Although I approach them with all the compassion and understanding I possibly can.

I just see this is the wrong place for me. It is a means to an end and now I am open to the journey changing and the inevitability that I will walk away from the safety and security that people THINK this gives them. It doesn’t really though. I am so subject here to the whims of those above me and how they choose to view all of this. As hard as I have tried to work hard and fit it, it just does not work for me. It is not working for me.

I often wonder how this will play in my relationship. Which is also wonderful and safe, but there seems to be a distance between us and although I have tried to bring it together and work at it, the differences we have may eventually make us go our separate ways. Although I really hope not. I just don’t know what John wants for himself. I ask. But he doesn’t say.

I like my journey though. I can only work on what I am doing. My daughter seems to want me to do it all for her, but I can’t do that either. She seems to want to go back to being dependent and the way it was when it was just us two. I loved that too, but she is 20. She needs to move on and have a life.

I don’t know why people think education is always the answer. It is worthwhile in itself, but I have a lot of degrees and I make decent money. If I was unskilled labor I would be wishing I had what I have now, but I experienced it. It isn’t what it is cracked up to be. I had an old friend tell ME this the other day about my daughter, who now works full time and does college part time. People seem to think this is BAD. She informed me that J finishing her degree is important. To me, who has three degrees and she doesn’t have one herself. Uh. WTF? Okay. Her severely dyslexic son is starting his first year in college this year and the chance of him not completing a degree in four or five years is extremely high. My daughter, who works in a bank was SHOCKED that someone who just graduated from her school with a business degree is starting out at the same bank making just a little more than her. I am not shocked, plus the kid is probably 50-60 thou in debt. College education has become a business. Like health care. I digress.

I am going to full on yoga teacher training this fall. I am following my own path and not judging others. Trying not to anyways.

New Blog Stuff

2007-06-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

Uh yeah that pic is misleading. That is NOT me. I actually do that pose better with an older slightly flabbier body. I will have to post a new picture soon.
I really shouldn’t gripe about my body that much. It isn’t that bad. I really just need a giant swift kick in the butt and the only person who can do that is me. Well today, while looking for a pic to post, I ran across some before pics from 2004 and 2005 with me in bikini in both. Can’t believe my fiancé took those pics and still wanted to marry me. The pics were about 50-60 or more pounds ago. Frightening. I actually thought or convinced myself I didn’t look that bad but I was flabby as hell. My stomach which makes me ill now looks like a bowl of jello. Just horrible. It is enough to whip my butt into shape. It is all about the food and I know what I need to do.
I remember when it all changed almost two years ago this coming August. The day I decided I could not be fat one more day and no matter how long it took, I was not going to go backwards, only down the scale. I made a decision that day and stuck with it. Through thick and thin. I have no concept of what I really look like. I picked up a size 8 skirt at Ann Taylor yesterday and decided to take it home and try it on and if it didn’t fit, I would go back and pick up a bigger size.
Only it fit. But I worry I will wake up one day and be a size 12. I know I have improved my physique but the other day in yoga this woman about my age who is an amazing yogini and has an amazing body wore shorts. She always wears pants. But she looked so amazing and had gorgeous legs. She should NEVER wear pants. Not with those legs. Anyway though I mentally compete with her in yoga. Yeah, I know a big no no. I also held her up as a image of what I would like to look like. But see this woman has probably never been overweight. I struggle with loose skin on parts of my body. It gets better but if I had never been so fat, my skin would be a lot smoother and there would not be this skin hanging from my abs. I will work at it because I don’t have 7000 to get my tummy tucked!

Anyway just looking around at women my age in general is pretty sad. Plus there are a lot of young people who are flabby. And children. Society is sad these days. There is so much bad food out there. But the fact of the matter is I can not eat and drink what I want and wear a size 8. I will bloat up to the size I was in those pics quickly. They were truly sickening. I really despised myself.
Being a fat person is hard. Getting through a day with that issue is a million times harder than exercising and weighing food and packing food and prepping food. I wouldn’t trade a day now for one of those days for any reason. It was horrible. I hated myself. I was not a happy fat person. Maybe there are happy fat people but I was not one of them.

Low Carb Diet

2007-06-08T06:14:00.000-07:00

I started the fourth phase diet in afterburn three days ago. I did lose some fat noticeably. My jeans are definitely looser. I totally admire these women who can do this and I can see where it would get you ripped but I bonked bad after 20 minutes on the elliptical yesterday and almost passed out from three days of lettuce fish and chicken and egg whites. I rushed over to whole foods and ate a multigrain roll and a container of pineapple and raspberries and still barely made it through yoga last night. I am sticking to the main form of this diet but adding some more fats and fruit. Maybe the fat loss will be slower, but man, how can people do this. It was okay the first two days but ten days. If that is what it takes, I might have to settle with where I am at.

I went to two days of fabulous yoga teacher training last week. I had four sessions. The first was a meditation and closed eye flow class with Johnny Kest. Great way to start the conference. I have meditated every day since and Johnny said to email him when you spend an hour in total stillness with no physical movement. I am almost there.

The next session was anatomy with Paul Grilley. I have his dvd, but he is funny and smart in person and his wife was there and was cool, so it was a fun session. We used some great examples right in our class of how differences in skeletal structure from person to person affects what you can and can not do in yoga.

The third session was with Nicky Doane and her hubby Eddie Modestini. Might have spelled his name wrong. I think they were my faves. They live in Maui. How lucky can you get. She was an amazing yogini. She is on the third series of astanga yoga which is extremeley advanced. He helped me with some questions on my knee issues. He was the most knowledgeable person there with a lot of experience and a great understanding of anatomy. Their session was three hours of inversions. I came out with a sore back from the handstands and headstands but I was able to do everything, which was remarkable. Shows what good teaching can do.

The last session was a flow class and adjustments with Gail Mondry, a Kest protegee. She is very physical with her adjustments. Her flow was the best flow I have ever done. In the cold room, I worked up a big sweat. She was an amazing person. Wish I could go to more of her classes.

This week back to the work and continual daughter drama. Oh and the low carb thing. One month till the wedding. I bought the dress from Cache and got some shoes. I won't be at the weight I wanted but have worked out like a mad man. Results are slow at this stage. I would be happy with five pounds at this point. But the carbs are back. I had oatmeal with blueberries this morning with my egg whites and felt like I was in heaven.

This Week's Goals

2007-05-25T06:21:00.001-07:00

This week's goals of working out and calories have been met for the most part. I skipped my cardio yesterday because I was attending this:

http://www.innerfireyogacenter.com/newsandevents.htm

Check out his web site:

http://www.esakgarcia.com/

This guy is totally my hero. He gave a demo of his yoga poses and it was incredible to see this in person. He talked about his training for this. Basically he trained for four years about 4-5 hours a day of repetitive contortionist training. I have a web site on contortionist training and basically he did a million backbends among other things to increase his spine flexibility and anyone can do it. I am starting my training today.
After the demo he taught a Bikram class and I totally tanked and almost puked and was dizzy and almost fainted. I don't think I fueled right and was tired from three workouts the day before. The last time I felt that tanked was when we hiked down the Angel Bright Trail at the Grand Canyon in July and I almost didn't make it back out. (The day previous to the hike I did a 7 mile run in the heat too) So I have no one but myself to blame. Wednesday should have been a rest day. I ate at two in the afternoon and the class was at 7. I should have eaten between 4 or 5. Anyway I know I was dehydrated because I sweat out buckets of sweat during the class and all the way home in the car. Then I was frozen from being in those sweaty clothes afterwards. Today I am tired and a little nauseous but will do my lunch cardio and will go home and do a full primary series of Astanga yoga and my new backbend routine. At least I can pass out in bed afterwards. I never learn.

And I still have in my mind at age 50 that I can do what Esak is doing. I never learn.

Monday

2007-05-21T07:14:00.000-07:00

I finally lost a pound. Whoopee! It was hard work. Actually, I think I ate a little more lately. The whole detoxing thing I was doing resulted in nothing but driving me a little nuts for a while. Now I am pretty much trying to stay at about 1500 calories a day for the next seven weeks until I attend my friend’s son’s wedding. I ordered a Vera Wang dress. Hope it fits. It is low in the back and I think I am firm enough there, but if not, I can send it back but it is gorgeous and I can use it for my marriage next year. We are not having a wedding of any sort. We are going to Hawaii. So I have a long term goal of getting into actual bikini shape for that.I am doing the Josh Hills last seven pound workouts. Ironically that is my goal for the final six weeks of this program. I am also ramping up the cardio this week. I just haven’t been able to do as much as I want and I know that will make a huge difference. That with clean eating ought to allow me to get into the shape I want to be in by July 7. I did about a million squats and lunges yesterday and am hurting in a good way today.
The most important thing though is the food. I really walk a fine line between eating well and over or under eating. Today I am logging in very few calories for the amount of exercise I am doing, but I eat more over the weekend, but this weekend I did not binge. I fluctuate on my calories. No way can I anally do 1500 a day no more or less. Some days it may even go over 2000. After I attain my July goal it will be strict maintenance. No more dieting. I have been dieting for too long. If it weren't for the binges, I would probably weigh about a hundred pounds.
People still aggravate me. Two big women I work with started weight watchers and the same week decided to plan an ice cream social at work. I don't even participate in those at work and haven't in a long time, but in the first few weeks of weight watchers, you are pretty vulnerable. It is just a catalyst for disaster and they won't last at weight watchers. I went to an actual meeting this Saturday and there were about ten people there. No lie. Even a month ago there was more but back in January there was a hundred or more per meeting. The failure rate is just so huge for weight loss. Most of them probably quit and are attending ice cream socials at work. I don't even stay for the meetings. There are some women there that have been there almost as long as I have that are still overweight. These people aren't trying. It was good for me in active loss because I liked getting stickers and awards for acheiving my goals. My goals are differenet now and I can't handle the distraction of people whining about not liking exercise or drinking water or eating vegetables which is pretty much every weekend. It worked for me for a while.

Doing Good

2007-05-09T08:40:00.000-07:00

I am meticulously logging calories and staying at 1500 right now, maybe closer to 1600. I am planning a couple of 1800 calorie days a week. My workouts are under control and I am fueled enough with protein and the right carb ratios that weight loss should be imminent. I am in the driver’s seat again. I have been studying all the lit I have, volumes, on fat loss and feel the diet I was trying to stay on was way too restrictive, thus bringing about the binges. I had to kind of go back to my old philosophy of not restricting most foods. This is working out better and I feel more satisfied and feel healthier. I am not low carbing it and am not starving all of the time. The right mental attitude is back that I will lose and I will be in the best shape of my life in eight weeks for the wedding. I am back to the Josh workouts and feel better all ready. I have tapered my yoga to about 3-4 a week. I can’t do all the workout and do 5-6 yoga classes a week. I know a lot you hardcore people out there think yoga is for pussys, but not Bikrams. If you saw me in Bikram yoga, you would be impressed with the strength and intensity I bring to the yoga. No kidding.

I THINK I AM OKAY NOW

2007-05-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

Finally talked myself off the fence I think. It took a lot of introspection and thought and being honest with myself. I knew eating was the problem so I spent some time reflecting, reading, looking back at what worked and it all comes down to food. I am going to taper off on the double workout days and go back to the fitness and weights and cardio because I was feeling so fit and now don't feel as fit as I did. Also I have decided to weigh in daily even if it drives me nuts, which it does, but otherwise I will lose my accountability.

I also have to rid myself of the binge eating. I have been binging on the weekends which is hard to undo. I binge on Saturdays and then diet for six days to take it off. It is the 'free day' mentality. Plus the fact if I start on one 'treat' food on Saturday invariably I move on to another since I have 'blown' it and I am going to clean it up the next day anyways. This mentality is just not working for me. I need to eat clean with occasional cheat meals. Maybe one or two a week within my calorie range.

Geez it is so hard to be so honest with yourself. Lying and being in denial is so much more fun.

I visited my 90 year old mother this weekend. She is having some memory problems and health issues and I think this is the first time I visited her without fighting. She gave me a compliment and warned me she doesn't give those out very often. (So nice to be SO supportive mom and I am SO glad you felt the need to do this.) She called me capable. That isn't bad for her. I prefer skinny and don't look my age. Anyway it was nice of her to bestow her approval I don't need any more after 50 years but I think she is right. The reason I am capable now is because I got my life in order with food and nutrition and just about everything else, including that wonderful fiance of mine.

I can't afford to blow all of that.

THANKS GUYS!

2007-05-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

Great feedback from my hoards of readers.

One good thing I have done since I reached my goal last summer was to basically maintain and from a 50-60 pound loss, the odds were against me. Think about it. The odds are well against someone reaching goal, but the odds against keeping it in the first year are way way way lower. I have yo yoed my whole life. I have achieved goal many times or come close or not even close and every time, I have gained back the weight plus.

Since this time was DIFFERENT, I had to examine why. One reason was scale denial. I have literally gone ten years in my life without weighing myself. No lie. And I have no clue what my highest weight was at the top. Maybe 280? I have seen pictures of me at my highest weight and that is a definite possibility. Do you want to hear something REALLY hilarious. When I was at that weight I insisted to other people that I was not really that heavy. I worked out after all and carried a lot of muscle, which I still do. That was a pretty bad state of denial when you have to start convincing the world to get in there with you and believe your bs. So in order to stay at goal, I have to use the scale as a measure. So any gain, totally freaks me out. I can think of every excuse to not weigh in and every week I do. I try to talk myself out of it and I panic over it. And I make myself do it. Most of the time.

Yeah the weight training and HIIT cardio is essential, because I to have logged in hours on the elliptical and hours of yoga while I lost the weight. But I do not have the body I want. I have gone through over half the afterburn program and the weight gain freaks me out. I don’t want to get in the denial that I am really doing well. I really have to have that scale down before I get back to it. So think of this as a hiatus. I am freaked out and I have to have some control. I have to figure this food thing out and I have to burn out a little fat over the next two weeks and then I will figure out what to do.

But you are all right. Absolutely. I do need to write to Skwigg and I know EXACTLY what she will say. But I need to get this food under control or nothing will work. I will get fit/fat again.

The only other thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that I NEVER WANT TO BE FAT AGAIN. Not ever ever ever. The few pounds I have extra now is really blowing my self-esteem and causing a lot of self doubt about everything in my life. It is absolutely debilitating.
Thanks for the support.

DETOX MONDAY

2007-04-30T06:46:00.001-07:00

My weight has been steadily going up. Very slowly. This week showed a three pound gain. I have been trying to blame it on the weight training but I had to break it all down and be totally honest. My nutrition is the problem. Mainly I have been binging one day a week and then dieting the rest. I also give myself little treats and don’t count for them. I know I did not really gain three pounds though. That is a scale aberration but the panic and shock from this caused me to halt immediately and re-evaluate.

I am doing a 14 day detox and laying off all exercise besides yoga until I get on track and take off this six pound gain. The strange thing is that this is not showing in my clothes. My body shape has changed from the workouts I am doing, but I think I should be experiencing more fat loss so it shows better so that is what the next two weeks are about. The first day was tough.

The worst thing is the difference this makes in my mental attitude. I know when I was at the lowest weight I felt great and this six pounds is confusing me. It feels like 60 pounds. I need to work on my mental attitude.

The most important aspect of this is DENIAL. I am in denial about what I am eating and I am compromising my trigger foods so I need to eliminate them. My trigger foods are crunchy chippy things and soda pop. This detox should help. I am doing this for 14 days and then will re-evaluate and decide where to proceed. I need to get the nutrition under control or nothing will help. I listened to some experts on the Busy Woman’s Guide to Fat Loss and all the experts were quite firm and reinforced that NOTHING works without the proper nutrition.

If I sound calm, believe me, I have had my freak out. The weird thing is that my clothes fit better and I look better but there is too much fat. I want to eliminate this six pounds before it turns to 60.

Frustrated

2007-04-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

Over the ab flab. Seems like I eat superclean and have been working out so hard and just don't feel like I am getting results quick enough. All I can do is keep it up but I get tired of logging food and planning the hours of exercise I do and just not having the body I want.

On a good front, I am getting more opportunities to teach yoga. THAT truly excites me and inspires me in so many ways. Teaching yoga has been one of the most remarkable experiences of my life. My yoga practice is already precious to me but I get into a totally different mind set but now I regard teaching as practice too. It is all the same. Really. I am looking for some opportunities to get more training and would like to go away for a couple of weeks next year. I am looking into some training in California. I am going to Midwest Yoga Conference for some teacher training sessions next month.

Tonight I practice.

Food is clean today. I have low carbed it this week and had oatmeal for breakfast and just lingered over it. Hope to have a good weigh in this week.

HERE!

2007-04-23T08:35:00.001-07:00

Since I got a request to start bloggin, blog I will. I thought I was a lone dark voice in the middle of nowhere.

I won’t use the superbusy excuse to not blog but I sort of have been. I started that Alwyn Cosgrove Afterburn and after eight weeks I am seeing results. My body just did this abrupt change especially since I am nailing the nutrition.

You see folks nutrition is 90% of the equation. Now the workouts are totally reshaping my body but without the food plan, I would not be losing the bodyfat I am.
I am doing some tough workouts but the nutrition is so key to this. That plus intense workouts mean bodyfat lose and a hot bod. So right now I am more intense than ever on getting what I want. Which is a rocking body at age 50 that a 20 year old would want.

And I am not that far from it. My gym is on a Big Ten campus and as a worker bee here I can use their shitty facility for a nominal fee. This is hardly a nice health club. It has everything in it, but not in the best environment. For one thing it is really busy. But as hard as these kids workout I see few bodies I admire. These girls have no clue. They go and do a bunch of crunches, then do a leisurely 30 minutes on the elliptical while reading a magazine and then out to drink beer for the weekend. Since when do 20 year old girls have love handles. I am at the point where I can see what they need. Most of them need to train on weights, tighten up the nutrition, lose the beer, and work up a sweat once in a while.

On top of all this I am going to Bikrams 4-5 times a week. Oh yeah, and now I am teaching HOT yoga, which is Bikrams in disguise. My students really like my classes. Actually this has been life transforming for me. I have only taught seven classes, eight counting tomorrow, but I am beginning to question am I an accountant who is a yoga teacher or a yoga teacher who does accounting. Being a yoga teacher feels more true to my authentic self. I struggle with my real job, but feel natural at teaching yoga. Actually that is what people keep saying to me. You are a natural. Wow. Life transforming.

I also quit Ediets. I could no longer relate to the people on there. It seems like they were using their emotional problems as excuses to keep fat rather than actually working at the emotional problems. It is an easy veil to hide behind. I did it. Getting rid of the denial took a LOT of work. I no longer live in any denial where I can discern it whether it is about food, family, life or whatever. I am very aware of it in others though. Someone comes up with excuses for something and I go oh yeah, ah DENIAL. My daughter actually did this. She is overweight and has been working at it and whined to me a week ago that high blood pressure, obesity and diabetes were HEREDITARY and she had it on both sides of the family and is scared. I chased her out of that. I said the only thing on both sides of the family are lifestyles conducive to those problems and if she did not change the lifestyle that she is at risk, but she does not have these things in her genes. Maybe the proclivity for obesity but she isn’t inheriting it, like on that stupid blood pressure commercial. God I hate that. Pharmaceutical companies LYING to us to see drugs and make us want to take their drugs. They also make it look attractive to be on prescription poison. Actually they do make it look sexy etc. It is called marketing. Be aware. These are the people who sold this company a bill of goods about tobacco and alcohol and now use it for the food they poison us with.Does that seem drastic enough?

I TOLD THEM SO

2007-04-02T09:44:00.000-07:00

I have noticed for the past few months that there has been an awful sour odor emanating from my fiance’s boy bathroom and that one of them was having quite the episodes in there and I narrowed it down to the 20 year old. He keeps turning the fan on for hours and I have to shut the door now every time I go by. Yesterday I could smell it downstairs. I mentioned it to him and he talked to the kid about it and sure enough, he has been having problems for several months.
I am not surprised. The two boys were raised on prepared foods. They never eat a fruit or vegetable of any sort. That is NOT an exaggeration. When I first moved there I idealistically thought I could change them but they resisted and now I have to eat my own meals separately. They won’t eat what I eat and I won’t eat what they eat. I am thinking this kid has diverticulitis or IBS. He is supposed to go to the doctor this week.
No matter what he needs a radical change to his diet of frozen chicken patties and frozen pizzas. He won’t even eat whole potatos. It has to be instant. I tried teaching df about perimeter shopping but he buys nothing on the perimeter except milk and high fat hamburger. They eat any dinner out of a box. Lots of bologna and hot dogs. White bread.

Hate to say I told them so. But I did. Plus the 15 year old started a sport and got hurt. Again. He weighs a hundred and minus nothing. His diet is the worst. Orange soda and chips and candy. One in a while some chicken. No milk. He may have a stress fracture in his hip from track. Surprising? No.

Then I come into work and my coworker is having stomach problems and may have an ulcer. Her diet is horrible too. She talks about losing weight but never does it. Someone just brought a bowl of taco salad they made out and of course she had some.

My weight is slowly ever so slowly coming down again and I don’t eat perfect, but I know this is ongoing. I prefer the healthy food I eat now to the crap I see other people stuff themselves with. I find it alarming living in a household with two young kids who really have rarely had a healthy meal in their lives and now starting to see the consequences. I think df is alarmed though. He went to the grocery store and actually brought some veggies and fruit and had oatmeal and berries for breakfast himself. He can’t say I didn’t warn him.

Low Carbs

2007-03-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

Are killing me. I am on a 40/40/20 nutrition plan right now. My only carb is oatmeal in the morning and popcorn at night. Not counting fruits and veggies. I am starving all the time. I just had lunch of chicken and salad and a small piece of dark chocolate. Yesterday was a big workout day. I did a new Alwyn Cosgrove workout and it went fast. I thought it wasn't very effective but today is creeping up and kicking my butt. I also did 50 minutes of elliptical. Today I will do yoga.

I quit my Ediets membership. I feel I have moved up a level or two and that listening people to talk about avoiding food at work is not useful for me. I haven't eaten at a work potluck for years and now that I have a reputation around here, I wouldn't get in a line and even pick at fruits and veggies with the coworkers carefully watching what I eat. I have long been a closet eater anyways. Food tastes better when I am alone. Kind of a eating/masturbatory thing I have going on. LOL

I might be teaching my third class in yoga next week if the teacher I am subbing for doesn't cancel her vacation. Hope not. I got some new yoga clothes from Victorias Secret. I probably won't wear them to practice in but have to look cute teaching. The sweat in Bikrams just ruins your clothing. I wear short shorts, sports bra, and long tanks. I can not let my midriff show now, if ever, and I can't stand long pants or capris sticking to my legs with sweat.

I am seeing some results but after five weeks am starting to feel like I am stuck with this extra flab and skin. My clothes are fitting better but my body has never really been in better shape than this. Plus the fact that I am 50 and have spent most of my life as a fat person makes me think this is it. My body does not want to budge off weight or get in better shape. I was looking at Rachel Hunter and think she has a fabulous body at her age, but she has never been obese so how can I even think of getting to that point. I will keep plugging away though. Would love to see some flab leave the abs, but it sure is hard.

HAVING A RARE SKINNY DAY

2007-03-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

So I wore a dress and high heels. The locals are pretty restless over it. I work in a government office building and I live in Wisconsin. Read Translation: There are a lot of heavy women here and no one dresses very well. I like to dress well. For one thing it keeps me in check with eating. Especially since I normally buy clothes that are snug.

Having high heels on where I work, for one thing, is a major disruption for all. For one thing, men aren't used to it around here or probably at home. The women around here are Rockport women. Flat, comfortable, ugly shoes. So I get a lot of glares from the women. I don't care though. I am not dressing fug so the fugly women feel better about themselves. I have been there already.

I don't weigh in this week but my food has been fantastic. A couple of off things, but for the most part, pretty tight and will tighten up as the next weigh in approaches. I have two workouts planned for the next three days.

I don't slough off on the weekend. I am usually pretty active and now that the weather is getting warmer, more so. I can't wait to get my veggie garden in . I learned a lot from last year, my first year veggie gardening. The thing I learned was to thin out the garden. We had tons of cukes and squash and couldn't eat them all. Most people don't like a ton of squash so couldn't even give it away. I had a bounty of tomatos though and want to this year. The end of the summer was paradise. My dinner every night was whatever protein I wanted to burn on the grill and a fresh tomato and cuke salad with balsamic on it. Heavenly.

This weekend we are going out to eat. I think I will pick an Italian place that has my fav salmon and spinach dish. To die for and healthy.

Well can't wait to get out of here today. My fat loud work neighbors have not shut the hell up all day and I am pretty weary of them.

SMALL MEALS SUK!

2007-03-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

I am on about five minimeals and just had 'lunch' which was chicken, part of a yam and a small piece of dark chocolate. Today I am hating this program. I did 30 minutes HIIT on the elliptical and that was all I had. Boo hoo for me.

I will probably end up eating my mid afternoon meal in about an hour, but that has to hold me over a yoga class. Dinner will be good tonight though so hopefully I make it that long.

After the next 13 weeks, I AM going on maintenance. No lie. No more dieting. I just have to figure what that is. Actually I have maintained for the past 8 months by binging and dieting. That plan has to go. No more fast and famine for me.

Update

2007-03-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

I will not be a certified Bikram yoga teacher. I am just teaching hot yoga and am working on a 200 hour certification with Yoga Allicane. I would love to go to Bikram training but really can't take nine weeks off work. Maybe some day!

I had a 1.4 pound loss but then sort of had a food binge over the weekend. It wasn't a really bad one but I just ate some things I should not have. Now I am making up for it. Food is the hardest part of this for me. Although I am satisfied with what I eat now.

My goal right now is to lose a pound a week. I weigh in a week from Saturday so am sure I can do it.

WHO ARE THEY KIDDING

2007-03-14T07:46:00.000-07:00

I was on the elliptical doing HIITs for about 55 minutes yesterday and noticed how little effort most people put in their workouts. (I am working it HARD right now and am sure my trainer buds will yell at me for the long session, but it just felt so good.)

Anyway most of these people are wasting space on the cardio equipment. I go to a gym that is on a big ten campus so most of the people there are kids 18-22. There are people who work here that go there, but mostly kids. It is funny watching the girls workout pre-Spring Break. They do this every year. They go in and do a ton of crunches and then take a magazine on the elliptical for a leisurely stroll. I am there working my butt off and sweating. A lot of these girls don’t need to work that hard though, but a lot of them look like they don’t know what they are doing and it makes me laugh. Plus you can tell there is too much body fat on them for the abs to show so I can tell they are doing nothing with nutrition. Probably drinking beer all weekend and eating salads all week.

My experts convinced me to stick with the Afterburn program so I did a weight workout last night. I will be full on to it next week. I have a weigh in Friday morning so don’t want to weigh in with my muscles holding on to a lot of water. Today is yoga, tomorrow cardio and yoga, and the same for Friday. Will start hard and heavy Saturday with weights. I think mentally I feel I am ‘different’ and this won’t work for me. So I have to battle mostly with myself.

I did change up my nutrition. I was advised to go to 1200 for a few weeks but have ended up at about 1300. I logged my Fitday and Weight Watcher logs and this is where I want to be. I noticed I have significantly cut back on the fat and have upped the protein. Am sure I will tweak this more next week.

THREE WEEKS IN

2007-03-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

And I have had a freak out. My weight was up 2.2, 8 pounds now over my lowest weight in December so I had to consult with the experts and people I trust and even emailed Cosgrove and got some tips and after thinking about trashing the program the consensus I came up with was to stick with the program and cut back on calories which, ugh, hurts.

I just wonder if I am ever going to get to the point where I can eat normal and not constantly be dieting. Will I ever have a normal metabolism? The thing is my clothes all fit the same. I do not see where this weight is either that or I don't want to see it? I don't get it.

I did rejoin weight watchers online and am logging my food in point style. I am also cutting on carbs and upping the protein except for today which is kind of a higher carb day but the calories are in check and I am doing cardio so need the carbs. I looked back at the weeks before I got to my low weight and my calories are about in that range. Sucks. I am starving right now. I am also cutting back on fats a bit.

In other news, I taught two yoga classes and I did very well. I hope I can teach again soon, but for now might be able to sub some. It was an amazing experience. Much more fun than my normal 9-5 accounting job. Snooze and snore.

Yoga Teacher

2007-03-09T09:26:00.001-08:00

Some months ago, I started participating in a yoga teacher apprentice program at my yoga studio and tomorrow I am teaching my first yoga class alone. I can’t wait. I did a practice on Monday and it went really well. I have been working on the dialogue a lot and feel comfortable and ready. I know a lot of the students and am not intimidated at all. I practice a lot and work at the front desk so people are familiar with me. It will be cool.

I think I am shrinking from my program but the scale will tell tomorrow if there is fat loss. A few weeks ago I noticed a bulge in the waist and that seems to be gone. It is hard work though because I am doing a strict Afterburn program with 4-5 hot sweaty 90 minute sessions of yoga a week. I don’t want to over train but do feel very tired physically. Today I am just doing my cardio session and then relaxing. I am doing a yoga class tomorrow and then teaching tomorrow. Sunday I will do yoga and weights.

The nutrition is the hardest part for me and the scale totally freaks me out. I talked myself out of going last week because I had been on a food binge the prior Saturday. I have been binge free for two weeks. That is one of my problems. Binge eating. Yup, I will admit it. Then I have to diet to take it off.There is a huge woman I work by who I can’t stand. Never talk to her. The woman eats all day long. At my heaviest I never ate that much. She is eating chips and cookies constantly. I feel like I am eating constantly too, fruit, raw nuts, protein shakes. She munches on chips all morning, goes out for pizza, then eats all afternoon. What are people thinking? I just eat a lot at once and then suffer for it all week. An eating disorder is an eating disorder though.

Perfect Nutrition

2007-03-06T05:38:00.000-08:00

I had a perfect nutrition day yesterday. I sincerely believe nutrition is 90% of it. That being said, I also worked out hard and can feel it today. I just did a weight session. Today I am doing cardio and a yoga class. I also prepped food yesterday. That was fun. I grilled chicken, sauteed some spinach in garlic and pam, and grilled some salmon patties I got at Whole Foods.

I took measurements and my stomach seems to be down about an inch. My waist may be down about half an inch.

Yesterday I watched Oprah and Dianne Caroll, Norah Ephron, and Geena Davis were there talking about aging with their faces full of botox. Can women not see through this? Anyway they were talking about their bodies falling apart and that now they don't diet and blah blah blah. Kind of like the average woman only they have all the plastic surgery so at least their faces look great. I thought their bodies looked like crap. Geena is okay, but at least work out girl. She had such a great bod. I am not letting mine go, I am fighting aging without the botox. It kind of sucks though because there are just things you can't reverse in the aging process. Oh well at least my body is pretty much in one piece.

New Day

2007-03-05T04:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a rest day from exercise. I went to Milwaukee to visit my daughter and my eating was off. I was hungry when I got home and ate a pork chop, salad, and popcorn. Today I am back on plan.

Today I teach my very first yoga class. Just to us "apprentices" but will be 90 minutes of nonstop talking. Then I will take a hot flow class and come home to do my weight routine.

I know I am not getting enough rest. My days seem like they are about 13 hours long and I am doing a lot of exercise. The bonus is that I tried on a medium dress in Target and there were really no rolls of fat so I believe I am stripping some fat loss.

I did not have time to weigh in this weekend.

Today I am starting out strict on plan with Alym's nutrition.

New Program

2007-03-02T05:27:00.000-08:00

I am two weeks into the Alwyn Cosgrove program and the jury is out. This is supposed to burn fat and of course, I lost no weight the first week. My clothes do feel better and I do feel less flabby but I am just sick of working out so much and logging food and seeing no difference in my body. It seems it doesn't want to budge out any flab. Plus the exhausting double workouts. I haven't foregone yoga. I can't give it up. But the workouts and constant food monitoring is fine, if I start seeing some results.

I have been thinking a lot about how exhausting, albeit worth it, this process is. I gained a few pounds and it is so hard to take it off, but at least it is not 10 to 20. That is the reason I keep at it. I almost feel like if I even gained back 10, or 5, I would give up. I put on like three pounds over vacation, which is weird since I had food poisoning and threw up and had diarrhea for about a week, but there it is. Nothing came off last week. So gaining 5 or 10 or 20 would be daunting for me to lose mentally. It goes on much easier than it comes off.

I work hard at this. I get so tired of people who ask me questions looking for easy answers. They just are not there. No one works as hard at this as I do.

Dogs - Off Topic

2007-02-14T10:06:00.000-08:00

Now I do love them. We have an old lab Ace whom I love dearly. However, I know this will offend people, but.....dogs are not people.

I love a cute dog story occasionally but have friends and acquaintances who talk way too much about their pets.

I have a friend with two shit-zoos. She just got a new one last week. They are really like children to her and her husband, but I came back from a vacation and I have a daughter and all she wants to do is yack at me about how cute the puppy is and it's pooping activities. It is all I can do to say get a life to her. I even brought up our own Acie's pooping activity on my nice wool rug, which she wasn't at all interested in. I am so glad I have more of a life than that though honestly.

Like I said I do love animals, but they are animals. She treats them like children and doesn't discipline them and you go over and they just yap and jump on you. They aren't pleasant to be around. My sister's dog was like that too. She would take him with her in the car everywhere and she would pick you up and the car was full of dog hair and when you started talking the dog would start barking and she thought it was cute.

It wasn't.

Anyway I seem to be running into a lot of this lately. And am tired of hearing everyone's dog and cat poop, eating, and sleeping activities. This friend had two of her dogs die last year. They were ancient. Really. Their time was long past. Then she said she and her hubby missed them and all the memories they had of them. Which always seem to be pooping memories. At least kids get potty trained eventually.

Df and I decided when old Acie dies, which won't be long away if he keeps pooping on my rug, their will be no more animals. My kid has moved out and his oldest is moving this year and then all we will have is his 15 year old, which will leave one day and our half dead dog.

I think people who are the best caretakers discipline their dogs and raise them to not be spoiled or annoying to guests. Just like kids. I don't like whiney kids or dogs humping my leg. You aren't doing dogs, or kids, any favors by spoiling them and letting them run your life.

Like I said, I love dogs. I like a good dog story. But enough is enough.

Still Here

2007-02-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

I just got back a few days ago from a week's vacation in Vegas. My 50th birthday present. We had some great experiences but I got sick from the barf-et we ate at one night and am just getting over it. We saw a couple of Circque de Soleil shows and I bought a new Tiffany necklace and some Channel sunglasses so all is well. The weather was great considering it was 19 below when we left and the high was about 70 there. I am back in mid February hell here in Wisconsin.

Still feeling the effects of the food poisoning though. I am certain it was not flu. I think. I am very tired and can't wait for the weekend to chill out and rest a little. Vegas was definitely not my kind of place. Once was enough. I need some relaxation on a vacation besides laying in bed and barfing and having diarrhea from the food. Next year we are getting married and going back to Couples in Jamaica for a vacation. Now that is MY kind of vacation. The food was great, I could buy pot there, and could relax and do yoga every day.

I am sure I lost weight with this plague. I bought Alwyn Cosgrove's Afterburn program and was going to start that Monday but am not up to the exercise yet. I did yoga yesterday but it was rough. This has been the first day I could eat normal food so am working my way into the nutrition plan and hope to be exercising tomorrow or the day after. I will probably keep the blog up better hereafter. I have stayed the same on the scale pretty much since I hit maintenance and really have not improved physically. Except my yoga practice really has improved a lot. But I have this flabby belly and some other areas so I need this now. I hope it doesn't make me gain like P90X did. It is supposed to be a fat loss, but I think this is a totally different program and you don't hit the weights as hard right away as you do in Tony Horton's program. I would like some physique improvement by summer.

Anyway back to the grind at work and diet and exercise. Hopefully I will be teaching yoga by this summer. I am putting my goal of getting a certification in personal training on hold. I have had a lot of daughter issues lately and need to get in some sort of groove again and be able to not have her stress in my life. We are getting there.

Just so tired from that vacation.

Blog Deserter

2007-01-04T07:35:00.000-08:00

Blog Deserter

And I don’t mean desserter. I haven’t been here for a while. Not because I gained weight back, which I haven’t. I have lost. But because technically I am in maintenance. So I am changing the name.

This was the first year in my life, which will be 50 this year, that I did not have a goal of THIS being the year I lose that weight. I did not greet the new year with regret and denial.

I greeted the new year with gratitude for sticking to my goal and working hard to achieve it. No small accomplishment.
But a new year means new goals. My goal is to perfect what I have attained. That means redefining my goal, which is to be in the best shape of my life and to lose another 7 pounds of fat. I have changed my regime for nutrition from the weight watcher flex plan to the weight watcher core plan, which will take ‘tweaking’. I will read more on nutrition.
For now my fitness goal is to keep up the Bikram yoga 5-7 times a week and 40-60 minutes on the elliptical 4-6 times a week.

I will go back to weight training but found that I did not lose but just got big and kind of bulky. Don’t let that scare anyone to weight train. I am in the minority of women who does bulk up. But I will get back to it when I lose the 7 pounds.That is it for now.

Another Damn Weight Loss Blog

2006-11-14T09:55:00.000-08:00

Another Damn Weight Loss Blog

I have been very frustrated with my lack of weight loss. It seems like I should be losing but I am not. I am working out very hard every day and am constantly working on my nutrition and logging my calories. So today I thought what the hell? Why not just sit here already below my initial goal and enjoy it. I look great. My body is improving all the time. If my weight wants to let go, it will. But of course there is the other side that says more, better, keep going.
Active weight loss, like I spent a year in, is hard work but the rewards are great and the scale is a good monitor as it goes down. Now the results are more subtle. I can't brag that I lost a pound last week, but I know I improved my physique. It changes all the time. It has to when you work out as hard as I do. So I continue to plug along.
Yesterday in yoga teacher training, I taught the group the first half of the yoga series and I did an outstanding job. It was so rewarding to hear how good I did. It felt very natural and I had fun doing it. I wanted to do more. I think I am a born teacher working as a boring accountant and it is nice to do something rewarding that people will appreciate and can improve their lives with.

THE BALANCE

2006-11-07T12:33:00.000-08:00

The balance of power has changed with my weight loss. I knew I would deal with it in my family but outside of the family it has gotten worse.
I had planned a party for this Saturday over the past month and two couples were invited. The two women were friends at one point, but one has offended the other in a variety of ways and this past Sunday, the offended one, who is a better friend of mine, told me she didn’t want to come because of this other women. Because this is a work relationship, they will have to interact in social situations and the one woman is clueless that my friend is upset with her, because she has never told her. She just rants about her to me all the time. My closer friend, J, has somewhat of a martyr complex and informed me she had told df that she didn’t want to come. (They work together). Of course he spared my feelings and never told me but I was getting the idea that no one was too excited about my party.J has been very passive aggressive about my weight loss. Last time I saw her she seemed offended that I have lost so much and asked me in stern voice exactly how much more weight I intended to lose! Since then I have kind of laid low with her but was hoping my party would be fun.
Then she suggested to me she would put aside her feelings about the other woman, for my sake, and come to my party anyways. Awww!! What a great friend! That is SO nice of her Joan said sarcastically.
Well, I am not going to let her be a martyr at my expense. So today I pulled the plug and made a lame veiled excuse and cancelled the party after which she told me that she had intended to call me and tell me she was going to come. I don’t think she is stupid. She must realize I cancelled the party due to her, but she acted like she BELIEVED my lame excuse to cancel.
See this woman is exactly what she keeps calling the other woman. A selfish attention whore. She doesn’t want ME to have the attention by pulling off a nice party and being thin, so she ruined it for me! But I didn’t let her. Because I don’t need friends like that and as of today I no longer regard her as a friend. She suggested we get together soon but that won’t happen. I am not going to put myself in the position. Again. Of her having any power over me. I felt bad this morning but thought you know, why do I want to spend a lot of money on a party that no one appreciates. I just wanted everyone to have fun after all. I am not out after accolades or anything.
So I won’t be planning any parties any time soon with them. She suggested she would have a gettogether at her house soon. But I won’t go.
I also left her with the caveat that I had just purchased a large amount of EXPENSIVE clothes and BOOTS this past weekend because not long ago I told her on the phone I had purchased new jeans and she told me she wished I wouldn't do that since I am losing weight so fast and I am wasting money on clothes that will get to big.
I haven't lost any real weight in almost three months. My weight is pretty stable. Try as I will, the scale is not budging. My body is changing, but not my weight so I think where I am is pretty much where I am staying, with improvements.
Anyway I am better off with no friends at all than with this woman.

YOGA MIRACLE

2006-11-01T05:28:00.000-08:00

There is a woman in my yoga teacher training who is a little older than I am. 55. She has a remarkable story the teachers like to tell. She came in two years ago, 70 pounds heavier than she is now and had suffered a heart attack, had high blood pressure and borderline diabetic. She was taking the meds the western doc had prescribed and was basically a walking time bomb. She said she had battled weight all her life and the little heart attack scared her enough so she knew she had to do something. For some reason she walked in the studio, got through the first week of Bikram HELL and now two years later is one of the studios total transformation studies. She practices regularly 5-6 times a week, has lost 70 pounds, is off her meds, and is a future yoga teacher leader goddess who can help others.
Yesterday she told us she had been to her doctor and her blood pressure was like 100/60. She is off all meds, has kept her weight off and she said she is just a calmer person. She quit a stressful job she hated and is embarking on a new career in the medical field. She looks great and bought herself a convertible. In other words, she transformed her life 180 degrees.
She contributes most of her success to finding Bikrams. Then she told us about her friends who are skeptical. To even try it. Because THEY HATE HEAT! Or they don’t have time. Or they just don’t believe, in the face of a prime example of it WORKING, that it can work and do all of that.
Of course you would think her doctor is a believer, but no. The yo yo said she needs to check with the other dumb dumb doctor specialist to make sure she should not be on the meds. Those docs believe in the meds the pharmaceutical companies get them to sell and that the insurance companies cover with money from our premiums. They back those up. I guess the yo yo must believe that the meds are better than yoga, which is weird. And a fad.
I asked what she did to change her eating habits and she said after the yoga started, her eating habits changed sort of gradually and naturally.
She knows she was on the path to deadsville. She got scared straight after the heart attack. Most people are scared when it happens. They might go through surgery and rehab, but chances are, they forget about being scared and almost dying and go back to what go them there.
Did you know during bypass surgery that they actually have to stop your heart and the biggest risk of the surgery is that they can’t start it back again, which the risk of is even larger if you compound it with obesity and other related problems?The sad thing is most of our society would think the doctor is right. Going off meds they prescribe is dangerous! My fiance’s 14 year old son was ‘diagnosed’ with ADD last year and this year still takes a sleeping pill at night to sleep and then pops a pill to wake up. My fiancé is really against drugs. He thinks drugs are evil, if they are not prescribed by a doctor and he trusts the whacko therapist who prescribed this, because now the kid seems ‘better’. This kid lives on the following foods: orange soda, chips, hot dogs, bologna, white pasta occasionally, white bread, and occasionally some beef or chicken. He eats no fruits or vegetables. I totally believe his emotional health, which they diagnose as add, is due to a chemical imbalance. It is believed the preservatives in hot dogs and other processed meats can cause add symptoms and these things are a mainstay in his diet. But fiancé believes the food companies are to be trusted as the doctors are. After much major lecturing on my part, fiancé is finally turning into a believer though and now the kid will occasionally drink a protein drink that I concocted and fiancé withholds sweets. Of course the kid finds a way to get them on his own, but at least something is being done.
I hate to think of this kid addicted to the sleeping pills and speed he is on, but hey he isn’t my kid. Not much I can say.
It is all I can do myself to restrain myself from indulging in bad foods myself.

Happy Halloween

2006-10-31T07:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I did not mean to put up a whiney blog, more of a warning. When I was obese and overweight I read blogs on people who were successful like crazy. I really thought the key to happiness is thinness. And it is in a way, but it does not solve problems. The problems are still there. You just have new coping mechanisms other than eating your way through them. Eating your way through a problem is a problem. And it solves nothing. It creates another problem, fat.
Changing this behavior is difficult because your impulse is to reach for x when y happens. Lately I have a lot of x things happening and am struggling to not engage in y behavior. Today is a difficult day for a lot of us battling with our food addictions. Work places everywhere are having their Halloween potlucks. Our copy room right now is full of cookies, brownies, chips, candy, and crocks full of cheesey gooey stuff.
The last few times I participated I literally ate myself silly. Work potlucks were an excuse to blow a diet I wasn’t really on. I would start the next day. So I would literally not stop eating all day and by the end of the day I felt so sick, that sometimes I would go home and get sick. At weight watcher meeting last Saturday they discussed the coming holiday season and everyone talked about ‘bringing a healthy dish to pass’, but I know this doesn’t work for me. There will be one or two fruit or veggie trays but my tendency will be to overindulge in something or pick up something I shouldn’t. So I had to quit participating. Today I am going to take a long lunch and do an elliptical session at the gym.
So don't look here for the key to happiness. I know it isn't in a cookie though. I have size 8 pants on today so would not even consider joining in the fun.
I have to say this is isolating me. For some reason it seems like no one likes me right now. I have no friends at work. I have one good friend who has been superweird about my weight loss and now she seems to be avoiding me. I was at teacher training yesterday and some of the people there were not being that friendly. I wonder what it is about my personality. Maybe I come on too strong? Know it all? I don't know, but I do feel isolated from a lot lately. My fiance hardly ever talks so he isn't exactly helpful. The kids are gone this week and he won't do anything all weekend but watch football. We might go to a movie. I love him, but he is boring as hell and my yoga workshop got frigging cancelled.
Next weekend I am having a chili party though with a few of our friends, including the woman who is passive aggressive about my weight loss. The thing is. She weighs about 105 lbs and never has had a weight issue. She keeps telling me not to lose more and not to buy more clothes and a lot of other crap I don't appreciate. So I do not have a 3d support system at all. Including my family. My mom is the worse.
Sigh.

BEING THIN DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY

2006-10-30T10:26:00.000-08:00

If anyone thinks the key to happiness is being thin, they are out of their mind. I am no longer fat, but still have a lot of problems.
I feel super lonely and have no friends. I have financial problems and am desperately working to get out of them and that is whole other struggle. My mom is on my case even more now that I am thin. My daughter treats me like a total piece of crap. My fiance has no personality and didn't say two words to me all weekend unless it was to talk about his kid.

Yup Building Muscle and Burning Fat

2006-10-25T12:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the comments on body fat. I think you are absolutely right. I actually did a body fat test about six weeks ago and was at 21.6%. I am going to have it measured again in December.
I am still doing the P90X program but have changed up the cardio. The cardio dvds that come with this set honestly don’t elevate my heart rate that much. I think they actually contribute to my muscle growth. In order to curtail that somewhat, I am incorporating elliptical for three hours a week. The next couple of weeks should reflect the effect that has on weight. I did a killer lower body workout Sunday and was really sore Monday and Tuesday. I did yoga Monday and elliptical yesterday and it made my legs look really cut. Today I am doing elliptical and upper body weights tonight. I have a lot of yoga planned for the weekend since I did not get there today and tomorrow due to car issues.
I do love my fiancé to death. I have dated every type of total asswipe out there and if we broke up, I would never date again. Honestly. I think the problem is two fold and has to do with me. I am used to just dealing with my daughter and now that she lives away at college, I just don’t feel like dealing with kids in my face all the time. He has no choice in the matter, so I tend to distance myself. I have never lived with this many men and just don’t feel like watching a lot of football to get in the family time. Plus their movie interests are waayyyy different from mine. On Friday nights for instance, they tend to sit around and watch Star Wars or hero/adventure movies, so I just cart my ass off to yoga to get away from it. So maybe I am being selfish. I don’t know. Fiance is totally supporting and loving and lets me do what I want. I guess I would like to be with more of a soul mate type of man that will go to yoga with me like other couples do but he is just not that into it. He likes to watch hours of football every weekend and I can’t do that.
I guess it is what it is, but I do love him to death and couldn’t live without him. Well, that is not true. If I were to live without him I would live without any man. I could do without men. No doubt about it.

Can't Believe It Has Been So Long

2006-10-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

Wow. I am still doing P90x. Not losing weight, but am losing inches. It seems like my weight should budge a little, but I seem stuck and it is driving me crazy.
I lost pretty consistently until I hit goal. I am now four pounds below but feel there is definitely extra fat to lose. I am working out super hard too.
Feel kind of out of it though. I don't have a real good support system and feel isolated even though I am the one isolating myself from family and fiance. We are just not on the same page as far as goals or mutual interests right now. He is focused on kids and I am focused on self-improvement. He seems happiest around the kids and I have disengaged myself. My kid isn't in my face every day so just don't feel like being around his either. I know that is selfish, but that is the way it is. Luckily he doesn't complain or seem to mind.
Last Saturday for instance he went to the youngest kids last cross country meet of the year. It was cold out and I hate being outside. I ran around, shopped, went to two yoga classes, and kind of felt bad. He always tries to come with me for something to do with my daughter but I just didn't make the effort. He goes to church alone on Sunday while I go to yoga. I feel very selfish but in order to reach my goals. I could ride around with him and sit on the couch entertaining kids but I would get fat if I did that.
Oh well. I am what I am.

Its Not About the Fat

2006-09-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

How we define ourselves.
Defines how we live.
It states what we emphasize on the road to whatever our lives amount to.
If you define yourself as a mom first, then that is always your priority. If you define yourself as a wife first, then you will always put your mate before yourself. If you define yourself as a career person (attorney, secretary, firemen, etc) then your work defines you.
I also believe it can make us out of balance. For example, the best doctor in the world may be the worst husband and father. The best student in law school may have no friends and be uncomfortable in a social situation. The best mom in the world may treat herself very poorly.
Maybe these people are successful at the roles they use to define themselves. But are they happy?
Maybe.
Maybe being the best doctor or mom fulfills you and this is what you believe your destiny in life is. You have the dream job and it is everything you expected.
Or, maybe not.
Then you are unbalanced.
I believe we live in a society where most of us are unbalanced due to the complexity of our society and the expectations we have of ourselves.
We have to do it all and be it all.
Being the best doctor in the world may make it impossible to be the best father. This may create guilt or unhappiness at missing out on something.
We can’t do it all.
As a woman in this society I have not only experienced this but see it every day. I am sure men believe it is true, but I think most women lead lives that are unbalanced because they are trying to be the best at their career, while being the best homemaker, mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister. Which really is impossible. Trying to do all of this will make you unhappy. It will make you feel out of balance. How can you look out for yourself with all of this going on.
For me, who raised a child by myself as a single mom, my imbalance showed itself in the form of fat. The fat represented that my life was out of balance. I didn’t have enough time to do it all. I knew I was shortchanging something or someone, usually myself, all the time.
But what was the choice once the choice was made? Get rid of the child? Refuse to work? No, of course not, the choice became not to choose myself.
Imbalance. A lot of it is reflected back to us in the form of our health. The bad health in our society is a result of imbalance. Lack of knowledge. Lack of time to obtain the correct knowledge. Being fed the wrong information.
Right now I am working like hell to get that balance back. I worked at weight loss, was successful. So I want more. I am happier because I put myself first finally but what it next?
I know my job is a problem. I know, for a fact, that staying in my current career will continue to make me unhappy. And unbalanced. Because I work in an atmosphere of sickness and hostility. The people I work with are sick.
There are problems with my home situation. Time will tell if I can stay in this situation. Or not.

Week 2 of P90X

2006-09-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

Week 2. Uh. I actually didn’t plan a body for life free day but sort of had one on Saturday. We went to a race track to watch our friend race his car. I had planned on having a burger and fries all week and did that, but had about 6 bottles of beer too. Wow. Felt like crap yesterday but went right back to clean eating. Hope this doesn’t mess with my weigh in on this Saturday. I didn’t really have a hangover yesterday because the drinking was in the afternoon, but had a stomach ache in the morning during yoga. Stomach aches are no fun in Bikram yoga class where you just regret any indiscretion. The other problem is that I only had 56 ounces of water on Saturday and had done yoga in the morning. I hydrated a lot yesterday. That is way low for me. I need a hundred ounces plus and that is not even counting the 32 ounces I drink during yoga. In order to do five Bikram classes a week and my new P90X workouts, I need that water. I haven’t had enough today either so need to hit the water soon. Only one workout today and off from yoga.
It is so nice to go out and go to things now without getting ready and feeling like I look fat. I hate that. That has been my whole life. I wouldn’t trade that feeling for any in the world, except maybe a fiancé who did not have kids.
The kids are on my nerves big time. Mostly the oldest because although he is back in school, he is still unemployed and spent the weekend glued to the tv. I really am biting my tongue, but it pisses me off because df is so quick to jump on my daughter for every thing she does wrong, and if I say anything about his kids he gets defensive and it is an automatic fight. He spent the whole summer making comments on how I cook all the time for my daughter and he does the same thing for the big 20 year old baby who can’t put a glass in the dishwasher.
I am just not kid friendly with anyone’s kids these days. My daughter does stress me out and I have felt much better since she went back to college and is independent and not needy and in my face every day.
Anyway I need to curtail the free days and not get out of hand with it or will get no results from this program.
I am getting a lot of "you look too thin" and "don't get anorexic" comments. Which is ridiculous.

Day 3 Blah Blah

2006-09-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

Well I am on day 3 of P90X. I hate to do too much journaling because when you are on this type of challenge your posts usually state things like on plan food, hard workout, body hurts, or fell off the wagon. The hardest part for me is the crystal clean food plan. I went through day one with no diet coke, then fell off that wagon yesterday and now trying to get back on that today. Otherwise my diet has been perfect.
I am drinking tons of water and got up the past two mornings for grueling five am workouts. At any rate I am doing better than last time where I got through the whole 90 days of the workouts but never got through two hours without resorting to coke and cookies. This phase is low carb and so far am doing well with that. Today I am adding in a Bikram yoga session after my weight and ab workout this morning. According to my weight watcher tracker that is 9 activity points, which is a lot. So I brought some emergency whole wheat pita and a laughing cow wedge JIK I am bonking by four this afternoon.
On a lighter note, I am excited about tonights finale of Rockstar Supernova. My favorite is Lukas from the start and Dilana. I think the final choice will be between Dilana and Toby. Toby is appealing as a chick magnet and showman, but doesn’t have the range of Dilana and Lukas. I would hope someone signs both of them. I find both riveting and way past last year’s talent, but think they will go for the more mainstream choice in Toby and play it safe, like INXS did last year.
See I do have a life and interests past exercise and diet.

Day One P90X

2006-09-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

P90X is the ultimate in home fitness. I bought the system from Beachbody.com. It is similar to a body for life plan. You go on the nutrition plan for 90 days, measure before and after results, and hopefully you are in better shape.Yesterday I took the fitness test and had my before pics taken in my bikini. Yucko. I thought I looked better than that.
Today I started the nutrition component and am doing my first workout at home after work. The first phase of the nutrition plan is for 28 days and is basically 28 days. The intention is to burn fat. I am also doing the lean version of the fitness plan, which is more cardio than weights since I am hoping to lose weight.I am kind of stoked. The last time I did this, I was much fatter and did not follow the diet at all. I was disappointed in my results. Well, duh. Now I know better.
The exercise plan comes with 12 different dvds that you rotate. The concept for this rotation is muscle confusion. You follow a rotation and it changes every few weeks. I am hoping for great results I can brag about and will post the pics up. Think I will post some 30 day ones. Am sure there won't be any huge difference but the rest of you can tell me there is anyways to make me feel better.
Have a good lunch packed and am hungry.

Commenting on Comments

2006-09-08T05:26:00.000-07:00

"I got to the point that I expected the scales to show that same big number all the time. Now after losing pounds over the summer I still expect that and often can not believe what I see on the scales."

Anonymous posted this after my last post. Right now I am struggling with this same thing, because as a yo yo dieter I am extra vigilant now about red flags that could mean potential weight gain and I think this is a big one. Why?
Because it shows mentally we have not caught up with ourselves. No matter what the number on the scale is saying, or the jean size, or the compliments from others, or what we are seeing in the mirror, the mind has not caught up with the body so we are still discontent with ourselves. This is the same discontent we feel when we are grossly overweight. It is the reason we started losing but it is also the reason we might tend to gain back. The reason for this is that we start letting our brain take over to the degree where we might start getting back to old habits because let's face it. Is it ever good enough? What is the point of endless dieting if we can't be whatever goal we have in mind, even if it isn't realistic?
And I am beginning to realize I will always feel this way. I have had two people call me skinny this week and I recoiled at that word applied to me. Because I have NEVER been referred to as skinny. I have spent a whole life training myself to accept I can not be THAT WORD. I have spent 50 years staring down women with thin legs, firm abs, and nice arms thinking that is all I can do, is be jealous of that. On the outside looking in.
And that is dangerous for me right now because that kind of hopeless might as well give up thinking as put me on the gaining end of yo yoing my whole life. What can I do different?
Start relishing the number on the scale. I ordered a bunch of new clothes in the mail in sizes I never believed I would wear this week and every one of them fit. My new expensive designer jeans I bought a month ago are now getting loose. I put them on this morning after washing and drying them. In a couple of months, they will be too big.
I need to accept this and relish it.
On Monday I am starting a new journey. The P90X program and I will be documenting a lot of it here. So stay tuned to the next phase.

STARTING OVER AT ALMOST 50

2006-08-29T11:27:00.001-07:00

I survived the summer. My daughter is happy back at college, sans car, which now, I realize made so much sense. I really stuck to my guns on this. She is not used to hearing the word ‘no’ I have to admit. She was wearing me down and brainwashing me to the point where I was wondering, yeah it makes sense to cosign a 13,000 auto for a sophomore in college. Luckily I snapped out of that and she is in her dorm and happy as a clam to be with her friends again.
This was a pivotal summer for me. I got to my weight goal and have lost more weight since then. I achieved Weight Watcher lifetime status last week. I also am now an apprentice at my yoga studio to be a yoga teacher. My daughter is probably gone for good. Life has certainly changed. And all of this was possible thanks to – ME.
I don’t ever want to go back. I have no problem with people who are happy with themselves at whatever weight or shape they are in, but I am not one of those. I was never happy when I was fat and nothing made me truly happy when I was fat. I was not living to my full potential and I was using the fat as an excuse to hold myself back. I did this for years. I had even almost accepted I would be fat forever, but there was also this part of me that didn’t really feel like a fat person. Part of that was denial, but another part was a resistance to being like ‘them’. One of the fat outcast people.
Now I am not that. One word you can no longer use to describe me is fat. I am not a fat single mom. Now there is an ugly label. I had it for years. At my family reunion I noticed hey everyone is getting fatter! The whole country is getting fatter. I work with a lot of huge heavy women. Who get heavier every year. Lately it seems as though everyone I run into that I haven’t seen for a along time has gotten heavier.
But I won’t be doing that. I am on to the next part of my life and I am not going back.

BACK TO HELL

2006-08-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

The family weekend was not as bad as I thought. It usually isn't. Only two snide comments, one from my mom and the other from my sister, but I can handle them. Two strange things though.
Although I got complimented up and down for my weight loss, no one wanted the magic beans. No one asked how I did it. I thought that odd. Usually people want to follow you around. I did eat no sweets or yucky snacks they had. I was pretty much starving all weekend because the only healthy choices were what I brought.
The other surprising thing was that everyone had gained weight. I would say 80% of the people in my family are overweight. Even nieces who had been thin all their lives are now quite chubby. Is this a reflection of our country? I knew the statistics showed that Americans are heavier and getting heavier every year, but can 80% of the people be overweight or is my family just special. It actually saddened me since I saw people the whole weekend stuffing themselves with sweets and alcohol. I have a grandniece who is 9 and she will be a fat adolescent. Both of her parents are heavy. Hey my own daughter is heavy so who am I to talk.
Tomorrow I finally get to take her to college. I won't miss her. She has been on my case about cosigning a car for weeks. I think she gets it now. It ain't gonna happen. She needs to get a lot of stuff in line for that to happen. My fiance is down in the dumps and that is getting on my last nerve too.
So the solution is, spending time to myself. This weekend I am cutting out on him and his kid. I am tired of everyone at this point and just don't need everyone's drama.
Here is some good news. I am apprenticing at my yoga studio to be a yoga teacher. This I am excited about. I have been hoping for an opportunity like this for ages and here is it. I will be a yoga teacher! I am going to be mean too. No easey quiet classes from me. In my class, people are going to work it!

A NEW COUNT DOWN

2006-08-17T06:25:00.000-07:00

My weight loss and maintenance endeavors and focus have taken a back seat to my daughter's relentless pursuit of having me cosign a car for her. This is almost a 24/7 argument. I am waiting for the phone to start ringing this morning when she gets up. It continued until late last night with her crying about it. She fluctuates between rage and veiled threats down to begging and groveling. I don't know what it will take to convince her I am absolutely not doing this and what a horrible idea it is. She is stubborn and won't give up.
I am going out of town to a huge family reunion that she is refusing to go to. I told her a year ago when this was being planned that if she didn't go, she should not expect a heck of a lot from me. I was going to buy her some back to school clothes but that isn't helping either. She is sort of holding this cosign thing over my head, like if I go ahead and sign it, she will go, but that isn't working either.
I have worked out this week and eaten right. Don't get me wrong. All this stress is not driving me to eat and exercise. It is emotionally draining and depressing that I have this spoiled daughter who has no gratitude for anything I do for her. Whatever I do never seems to be enough. I have explained to her that her immaturity in dealing with these issues just further reflect that she is not ready for this responsibility and she would have to work 40 hours a week at school to pay for the car. But she refuses to see that and just insists I just don't want her to have a car and be happy.
Yup. That is what the past 19 years were about. I have only wanted her to be unhappy and miserable. Geez.
Will this kid ever mature past the leve of a nine year old? I think it is going to be along time before I figure that one out.

Nine More Days

2006-08-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

Until my lovely daughter is back in college and I don't have her in my face any more.

I am really challenged with food right now but actually am not eating enough. Last night I was too stressed to eat dinner and nothing sounds like what I want to eat except the tomatos in my garden. I have been eating those and cucumbers. So delicious.
After the family reunion this weekend I have a lot going on next week. We are moving to a new building so things at work are in flux right now. I actually am working home one day during this. I love to this. I could stand my job if I could work at home a day or two a week.
Next Friday we dump her off in her dorm and then my life will be a little more normal and I can retreat into Joan's world. As predicted the "boys" came back so I woke up this morning to dirty dishes, crumbs on the floor, and filthy counters. Couldn't complain to df though. He is supportive with my daughter crap, but daughter will be out of the house and the boys will be there all the time.
So, like I said, I will just have to cope by doing a lot by myself and staying away from them. The youngest started cross country high school team this week and was already dead after the first day practice. His eating habits are horrendous. He basically eats nothing. He is getting taller and weighs nothing. He always has this malnourished look about him and df had to get him up early for practice today and I did not notice him preparing anything for him to eat. There is no water ready. Sigh. Well, I have my own problems but make the kid some eggs. There wasn't even any cereal for him but he will only eat sugary cereals with additional sugar on it. I have a feeling he won't last this season. The workout schedule looks brutal. At least I can pat myself on the back for taking care of my kid and making sure she has what she needs. Sigh. Got my own problems and can't worry about his stupid kids.
Ate my lunch already. Not a good sign. I will get to the gym today. Yesterday my nerves were wrangled between work commotion and my daughter so just went home and went on a long wonderful walk for my exercise. Felt wonderful and the weather was perfect. Think I will work out some anger on weights tonight too.

SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL

2006-08-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

Well the situation with dd is worse than I thought. Had another scream out with her. She thinks I am being mean by refusing to cosign a car with a higher payment than my own and with about a 500$ per month insurance payment with mine, since it tripled due to her three speeding tickets last year. Of course she doesn't account for nor have money saved for the inevitable maintenance and repair bills. Don't even get me going on the price of gas. All I can see is how could she even think she can handle all of this with school full time.

I am so mad I could spit. But I will NOT eat my way through this. I WILL exercise today. Because inevitably, this will pass and I am willing to live through this somehow even though she will hate me and not talk to me the rest of my life and never let me see my grandchildren. Those are her usual threats.

I mean it isn't hopeless right? Some day this kid has to grow up and be responsible and reasonable and logical right? It might be a few years but I do now me gaining weight will NOT solve anything.

FAMILY REUNION

2006-08-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

It is approaching and I am trying to anticipate what it will be like with my weight loss and then my lovely daughter throws a new wrench into the situation. Like, she isn't going. Well, she is practically not going. She is using the work excuse but I think there is more to that and I think part of the reason she doesn't want to go is that she is heavier, way heavier than she used to be and the reason I think that is that....

I used to do the same thing. In my family it is kind of damned if you do damned if you don't. Some of them will persecute me for showing up thin, but showing up heavier is a disaster and someone will bring it up to me that she is heavier and that person would be.......

My mom. Who last summer pointed out to be that I had a roll around my waist and two months ago screamed at me to not lose any more weight. She is also upset about my lovely daughter not showing up, because she is her favorite grandchild.

Also my daughter, who has been nothing but a huge financial drain on me and caused me a lot of financial problems, me a poor single mom and now she wants me to cosign a loan for her to get a car. Which basically means to me that I will end up, at some point, having to pay money for it, which I am not willing to do due to the fact that her college right now is costing me so much. Her rationale is that she will pay for it all by working 25-30 hours a week, which I doubt will cover her expenses. She is also a shoe addict and a nail salon addict and I have not seen her lessening these activities over the summer.

She is causing me so much emotional strife now I can hardly bear her, plus the family thing coming up. I am kind of at my wit's end. Plus fiance's boys are back today which means, no doubt about this, that I will be coming home to a messy house tonight.

I have two alternatives. One is to eat my brains out and the other is to run away from home, from all of them. I love my fiance to death. I know the situation will be better for me next week when daughter is back at college because she won't be in my face about something all the time. The weird family reunion will be over, but I still have to put up with his kids and somehow that just seems unfair right now. I know I am not really justified in feeling that way because obviously he can't get rid of his kids to please me but last winter was difficult. I could hardly stand to be home because to be honest, after a day of work and stress from that bs, I hardly want to go home and hang with the boys. So I spent a lot of winter on my home.

What I need are new coping mechanisms because eating my brains out is no longer an option like it used to be. It seems like all I have right now to feel good about is my weight loss and the new goals I have associated with getting the perfect body I want and to be a personal trainer and yoga instructor. I hate my career. My kid drives me nuts. My friends are always whining. I love fiance, but his kids distract him from me a lot.

So new coping mechanisms are it. What other choice do I have. I feel the best thing I can do is to continue on working on the things that will make my life better. For the first time in my life I have a weight loss that I feel I can maintain. That is huge, after 50 years of being fat and yo yo dieting. I can lose more. I can be more than this.

I have choices.

More Pics Coming

2006-08-08T07:44:00.000-07:00

I just posted that because I joined photoshop and wanted to experiment with the only photo I had. I will put up a before and after soon. I found the before and have to get it scanned and upload it. It is pretty bad. Will be a good laugh.
My weight watcher scale showed me up .6 last week but I know I didn't gain. I am looking at my statistics but at least once in every decade, I have a gain that is unsubstantiated. From looking at these stats I also see it is usually followed by a big loss the week after either because the loss is unsubstantiated as I believe, or that I just work harder since I hate gains. I have a weight I am shooting for for next week which is my family reunion.
My family is a bunch of major alcohol and food addicts. The only thin people have married in. I am not looking forward to this reunion since my mom is already driving me crazy. She said something so mean to me on Sunday it almost sent me reeling into food and lazy land. I almost talked myself out of my workout yesterday and am starting the same thing up today.
See the problem is that I broke the family contract of being out of control as a foodie and a drinker. That usually means everyone will be uncomfortable and when people get uncomfortable, they attack. Because they are scared of what they are seeing.
Yup, there is me, proof that it is not genetic. Proof that it can be done. Proof that everyone in the family is not like THAT. Plus I won't make it easy for them because I will not give in. Nope I won't do it. I won't cave.

Experiment

2006-08-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

SO YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD GET EASIER

2006-08-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

But nope, that doesn't happen. The goal weight is really not some magical number on the scale that sets your life right. Actually you kind of look at yourself and think, this is not where I want to be. I am two pounds under that goal now and there is room for improvement. So I am working even harder.
Also the week after I reached goal some major stresses appeared wrapped in something that looked like my daughter and her financial aid issues with school. I am really stressed to the max and on top of it have decided to quit drinking diet soda. This is a minute by minute struggle where I keep trying to convince myself to have one and then talk myself out of. I had been spending way too much money on it and yesterday I read a post about a woman who quit and said that subsequently her diet coke bulge went away. Now I am sitting here thinking this is odd. Is THAT what that is still around my waist? A diet coke bulge. For the past few days for some reason, there seems to be a lot of loose fat around my waist. Hmmm. Must be that diet coke bulge.
Some of days are including double workouts now. Cardio and bikrams or cardio and weights. Today I am somewhat tired so will just do cardio after work. I was thinking about weights, but I am really tired and the stress from my daughter and the other kids in my home is getting to me. It seems there is always a kid there and there isn't supposed to be. My fiance's oldest son is almost 20 and quit his job in May and hasn't looked very hard for another. He is with us half time so I just put up with two weeks of coming home to him camped in front of the tv. Today I kind of let fiance have it, since he is so willing to condemn my daughter for all of her transgressions. He claimed he told the kid to get a job but I doubt he did it forcefully or as forcefully as I would have. I would have been all over his lazy ass in June. All this kid does is watch tv and I am sick of him. I hope he gets an apartment and moves out. Mine will be gone in a few weeks and she needs to be on her own too.
So just stressed and not being fat any more does not alleviate the stress, but makes it more manageable since I don't have to manage self-loathing for being fat on top of it.

GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I made goal last week with a 1.4 pound loss. No fanfare or parades involved, just a new phase in my journey for the perfect body.
My new goals in life and this journal are non weight loss intended. I do think I will lose more weight, but I am upping the calories, cleaning out my food even more, and increasing the intensity of my workouts. I am more motivated now than ever since I now know I can achieve my goals with hard work. I used to think being in a normal weight range was just not in the cards for me. I accepted my life as a fat person even when I was making my half hearted attempts to lose weight.
The biggest part of this is mental. You have to convince yourself of what you are capable of. Because you will and people around you will find every excuse in the world why it can’t be done. I am sure my mother will be sending this message to me loud and clear at the family reunion. Don’t go any further! Don’t try to be any better than you are right now. Hold yourself back like I always did.
Mediocrity is no longer good enough for me.
I want to change other things about my life besides my weight. I want a new career. What will that be? I am not sure yet. But I am formulating it.

DETERMINATION ENOUGH?

2006-07-21T06:22:00.000-07:00

Not always. As fiercely as I stated I would get to goal this week, the scale remains stuck. Df is taking me out to dinner to celebrate tomorrow night but tomorrow probably ain't it. (I would rather have new jeans. This was his idea.)
Partly I have had a stressful week. Maybe the stress is what is holding my body back. The people at work are on my nerves with the constant chatter. Df unloaded his work problems to me last night and dd claims she has brain cancer and yeast. I am on overload. Plus dfs older kid not having a job and sitting around the house all summer watching tv is working my very last nerve.
So I am thinking tomorrow ain't it.

Not Quite

2006-07-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

That is right. .8 from goal. This is the week though. I will not accept defeat. This is it.
Over the months I have added up the steps to successful weight loss. I have to admit, in the beginning I was not sure of myself. I am much surer now. But I will be going in maintenance mode soon. Maintenance with the intention of losing however. I haven’t posted much in the past few weeks because of my hand for one reason and also because I have been afraid for another. I am afraid of jinxing myself. I am not sure why I feel this way, but it is what it is.
In four weeks I will be going to a huge family reunion with all my cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. I am guessing my weight loss will be a major topic there. Actually I think my mom will freak out a little. And when she freaks out, she tends to say very mean things. My mom is one of those jealous of her kids type of parents. I know she does not realize this, but she is. Well, she is with three of us, the other two she liked to see soar but for three of us, and one of them is a sister who is deceased, she likes to hold down. My brother, the soarer, is also deceased. So my weight loss will freak her out because it will remind her she has never really let herself be the best she could have been. And I understand that. I am the opposite. I want my daughter to soar over it all, but she has a big weight problem. So yes weight problems and issues are prevalent in our family. The thin people married in. I am anticipating this reunion because I am happy I am not dreading going in fatter or still fat, but I know I will meet a lot of negativity and resistance. It is what it is. That is one weight related issue that is freaking me out at or close to goal.
The other is my dear fiancé. I have had to force him to be supportive during this process. Not that he is unsupportive but he does not understand what this means to me because he is thin and always has been and has no food/emotional issues. He doesn’t get it. So it doesn’t mean anything to him and he would not understand that this is more important to me than our pending marriage. It just is. Because it is about me. It is what I have accomplished. Not that the marriage or relationship isn’t important. It is and I love him very much. I wish I could say he is my soul mate, but that isn’t the case. We have a strong relationship but I am alone in my own quest for a better me and a cleaner nicer house and environment. The things that are important to me are not important to him. I am not sure what is important to him other than the tv and his kids. His Harley? Maybe. It is the only thing he seems to cherish. I value myself above all. Even my daughter. My daughter is on her own journey now in life. She needs me but I can be myself. All in all, I am happy with the situation, other than the dirty messy house. I am not crazy about the fact that his 20 year old son is not working presently and sits around the house watching tv 24/7 and there is NO discussion about him ever moving on. My daughter, who has issues, is moving on. She probably won’t live at home after this summer. She is ready for that and so am I. Seems like we will have kids around forever. Sigh. I don’t like kids.
Anyway, I have been thinking about the weight loss equation. Why these months have successfully added up to a successful weight loss of 52 pounds. I am .8 from goal and will probably go below that. The reason I am not setting my goal lower is that I think that is a mistake. I have seen people do that on Ediets. They aren’t acknowledging their initial goal because they are not 100% satisfied with the result. But that isn’t the point. The point is achieving a goal so you can go to the next one. After I formally reach that goal, I will be writing about the next goal. I am already formulating it. It is going to be specific, but the reason I need to see this next .8 as reaching goal is that this is the number I have set as a goal for almost a year now. I am close to achieving it and my further weight loss and fitness ventures will no longer be as an overweight person trying to be a normal weight person. I will no longer officially be overweight. I will be a healthy weight and my next goal will illiminate the element of being fat and overweight. HUGE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR MENTAL MINDSET. Here are the steps that got me here:1. Making a decision. I wrote a post about this, but it is important. Last year at the end of August I decided I no longer wanted to be overweight. I was a yo yo dieter at the upside of a yo. I knew I had backtracked. I knew I had been in scale denial. I knew I was eating too much. I knew my clothes did not fit. I knew I looked like a piece of crap because I felt like one. But I realized I did not to be like this one day longer. I knew it would take a long time. I knew it wouldn’t happen overnight. But, I made a decision. I decided to step on the scale and face whatever the number was and that I wanted to lose whatever I needed to get to a healthy weight and I did not care how long it took, or how much work, or who would get in my way, including myself, as long as the scale went down from there. And I decided I would do whatever was necessary to achieve that goal.
Get rid of denial. This was a process. I could not deny my weight, my jean size, that I was fat, that I was out of shape, that I was thinner than so and so, that I really was not in that good of shape, that I had emotional issues. I had to get rid of the denial. I had to face what I had become and deal with it.
Deal with the emotional aspects. I had to realize I eat for emotional reasons. I had to figure out what triggered my eating and what foods I would eat. I had to devise different ways of dealing with problems so that when all hell broke loose, which it does, that I would deal with it in an appropriate way and not with food. I had to realize I would have to work on this the rest of my lie.
Get rid of the excuses. You know what they are. I hate exercise. I can’t drink water. I can ‘t give up sweets. I hate vegetables. I don’t have time to cook special meals. I am too busy to exercise. I have health issues and everyone in my family is fat too. Counting calories doesn’t work.
I had to change the way I ate. Food is 90% of the equation. My coworker joined a gym in January. She believe she would lose weight by doing this. She got a trainer. She does not weight herself. She eats every donut and piece of cake that goes through here. It is July 19th and she has lost exactly NOTHING. I assume, but don’t know because she never weighs herself and doesn’t talk about losing weight. She thinks she is losing She is in denial (See number 2). I have been there. I was a fit fat person at one time. I exercised like a maniac an still ate like one. I ate a lot of healthy food, which just made me fatter. Weight watchers has been my vehicle, but it does not matter what you do once you make the decision. Food is important. I eat the best healthiest superfoods. I eat a balanced diet. I don’t eliminate food groups. My eating has gotten progressively cleaner. Do I still eat desserts? Yup. But NOT as an emotional treat. They are planned into my menu. I only eliminated trigger foods that I negotiate and overeat EVERY time I start. They are wheat thins, fritos, and now pretzels. Pretzels recently became a trigger food. They are not in my house. Occasionaly I eat Fritos, but NOT at home. Ever. I eat lots of fruits and veggies, healthy grains, lean proteins, dairy and no white flour or processed foods.
I drink water. About two gallons a day.
Exercise. You can lose weight with just diet, but your body won’t become fit. I see people like at weight watchers. Women at goal with yucky shaped bodies. I am very fit. I did Bikram yoga for most of my exercise from September through March. Then I added about four hours a week of cardio. I recently added back weights. Was going to start that earlier but broke my hand. I am fit. I look fit and firm. It has helped me retain the elasticity in my skin. I love to exercise because it makes me feel good.
You have to plan and make the last three items a priority over everything else. You have to make backup plans for the plans that fail and backup plans for that.
Find support. I have it online and in the real world. Do not expect your family to support and help you. They won’t. Most of the time. They will be intimidated by you. Some will make fun of you and try to make you feel like an idiot. And those people are probably fat.
Change your program when it isn’t working. You will have to change your food and exercise during this journey. No doubt. If something isn’t working, you have to change it. You have to try new things.
Maintenance-I am almost there and will have a lot to say about this.

1 POUND LEFT

2006-07-10T06:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am one pound from goal. I will not be where I want to be but I will be in a healthy weight range for the first time in at least 20 years. I have spent most of my life being overweight. Now, I no longer am.
But I haven’t achieved what I really need, which is to have the best body for me. There is still fat on my body I need to be rid of. And although I am in good shape, I want to be better.
After I reach goal, hopefully this week, I will go into maintenance mode. Which means adding food, but I am going to change and refine my diet. It will only get better and I will keep working out harder than ever.
Thanks to anonymous for the comment on my daughter. You are right, making too much food is not a good idea. One reason I do it is to have leftovers during the week so I do not have to cook all the time. I think I will start making less.

3 MORE POUNDS

2006-07-05T07:15:00.000-07:00

That's right. I am about three pounds from goal.
I haven't been logging for a couple of weeks due to the problem with my hand. The good news is that the bone is almost healed, but I sprained one of the other fingers falling on it in yoga. Calamity Joan here.
I am also busy with my daughter being home from college. It isn't starting to wear on me. She has huge weight issue and has gained a lot of weight. She has always had weight issues. When she played basketball she was heavy and ate a lot, but she was somewhat in shape. Now that she is not active, she has gotten flabby and soft and still eats enormous amounts of food. I have seen very few people who can eat what she does. I offered to help her this summer and have spent a lot of time making healthy meals. But she still eats too much. Last night she ate about seven pieces of chicken for dinner. I am somewhat alarmed about all of this. There is just nothing I can do. Plus, my grocery bill is enormous buying food to fill up Jethro. Also she told my mom that I am TOO FOCUSED ON WEIGHT LOSS AND EXERCISE! So she is obviously very intimidated by my weight loss. I feel like giving up because I firmly believe a person has to make the decision themselves to change and she just hasn't done that. DF has been finding Burger King bags in the garbage too, her favorite fast food, so I know she is eating tons of food. Almost every day she is asking me if she looks better. For all I know, I am putting this extra work in and she could be gaining. Obviously she has issues. Not sure what to do.
I have escalated my workouts and continued to eat better because I am so close to goal. I will still lose after I reach the weight watcher goal, but I will eat more food. I have a new food plan figured out. I am hoping I reach this goal sometime this month.

AS THE WORLD SHIFTS

2006-06-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

In the past few weeks it is like my entire world has shifted.
I used to be one of the heavy people everywhere, but now I am among the fit and trim. I did have a lot of company before. There are plenty of heavy people out there. I live in Wisconsin so even more so here than in some places.
I first noticed this at weight watcher meetings. All of a sudden, I found myself thinking, ‘There sure are a lot of FAT people here.’ Now I realize it isn’t just weight watchers. A lot of women are fatter than I am now. It is GOOD that fat women go to weight watchers!
Now, I am by no means thin, but I do look damn good and am fitting in my smallest clothes. I had a range of clothes in my closet from a few 8s up to 14. At one time I was a 22/24. A few weeks ago I got rid of anything over a size 10. All of it and it felt good. I was in denial at a size 22/24 and thought I was fit and not fat at that time. Hard to imagine….. Anyway I got rid of the clothes so that I do not have permission to gain or to find myself putting on a pair of fat jeans to be comfortable and then to grow into them.
Last night in yoga I realized that in these long months of active weight loss part of my yoga struggle (everyone struggles in Bikram yoga) was my own body and that struggle no longer exists, but the memory of it is there. I certainly hope not.
It is as if my own body is asking me ‘Are you sure that stomach fat isn’t there or coming back?’ The memory of twisting and bending with all of that fat there will be there a long time after the fat is gone.
So the shift was subtle at first but now is glaring. I was in a meeting yesterday where I was the most attractive woman there. I don’t mean just my body either. I am talking clothes, hair, shoes, makeup, and all else. I see a lot of women who aren’t even fat, but just dress so poorly around here. Not me anymore. I put my best clothes on now even though I do worry at night that they won’t fit in the morning because that weight will come back on overnight! Funny what the mind tells us. It is hard to ignore your own brain when you have to spend a lot of time ignoring the brain crap from others. I just shut that out now. It was aggravating me but now I don’t care. They have their problems and I have mine.
It is two days until weigh in. I am hoping for a two pound loss this week. I have eaten super clean. No sugar at all. I feel plateau-y though, but think I look thinner.
Next week the splint comes off and I can start working on weight again. I have nine weeks until my family vacation and I could go right now and have the best body so my goal is to be rid of ten more pounds of ugly fat and be a little buffer. I have the new program all ready.

Scale Aberration

2006-06-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

Is what I call a gain these days since I know I did not gain .6 lbs last week. I worked my tail off and fought the mind chatter all week. After my weigh in I went to the grocery store and bought the cleanest of clean foods and stocked up on chicken, fish, veggies, fruit, and healthy grains so that this week I will have a loss.
Hate to see a gain and the scale totally freaks me out. I have a very unhealthy relationship to the scale. Always have. I batted around a daily weigh in this week but our scale at home actually weighs me in heavier so that may freak me out at this point.
I got called out on Ediets for posting something mean about my coworker and the woman was right, but I have a lot of anger along with empathy for heavy people these days. It is more about me than it is about them because I see them exhibiting behaviors that I have had in the past and that scares the hell out of me. This morning I mindlessly walked in the copy room and started cutting a bagel that the director brought in. That is bad behavior for me. Someone walked in and I put it down. It had raisins in it and I hate that but it was like I was a zombie. There was no trigger emotion going on. I just did it. That scares me. But I did stop myself but I know once I get in those behaviors it is not time at all and I will gain. Or quit weighing in.

TIME TO LEAVE WORK

2006-06-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

The retards are chatting away. The student worker is asking my coworker how to cook fish. What a retard. Talk about the blind leading the blind there. I am staying out of this conversation. Time to leave for the day.
Don't really feel like I have a good weigh in coming this week and not sure why. Feel like I may be hitting a plateau. Have to do my cardio session today and will eat light tonight. The check out girl at Walgreens told me I look skinny. That is a good way to start the weekend.
We are going out to eat at Quaker Steak and Lube tomorrow. Lovely. Not one thing on the menu not covered in cheese, bacon, sour cream, or ranch dressing. The whole menu sounds gross but that is where the friends wanted to go. Yucko

WHY BEING HUNGRY IS GOOD

2006-06-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

Two days away from weigh-in.

Because I am wearing a size 8 skirt and NO ONE up here will tell me how good I look. I look fabulous and sexier than anyone on this floor right now.
Because I have to weigh in in two days and am on a weight loss roll.
Because the hour cardio I am doing later is hard work and I want to make it count.
Because I have healthy food planned all day and it should satisfy me.
Because I don't have to struggle to put on any of my clothes right now.
Because I am buying some Lucky jeans on Saturday.
Because I have to weigh in in two more days.
Because I can cross my legs effortlessly.
Because I can do this.

6 Lbs Away

2006-06-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

I broke my hand just walking down the street and falling. It is better but keying is hard. I am actually turning into a lefthander. Today I go back to the doc to see if surgery is necessary but I am hoping not.
I am 6 pounds from goal and am amazed. By setting small goals over a long period of time, I have gotten to this point.
On September 1st last year I got out of denial and stepped on the scale at 221.5 pounds. My first goal was to get below 220. Luckily that happened the first week. Actually the first day. That was a Monday. By Tuesday, I was 219. My next goal was to get in the 200s. That happened relatively quickly. I joined weight watchers on October 1st and weighed in at 212.4. By the next week I was down to 207. The next goal was the one hundreds. Getting below 200 is huge for anyone because well you don’t feel so HUGE. This is a big psychological advantage. I have done it four times. True story.
My next goal was 191 since that was my 10% for weight watchers. Then below 190. It took me a couple of months to get out of the 190s. The next goal was 180s. Again, a couple of months for this but huge accomplishment. I have dieted many times to get in the 170s. I am a big person so this is a good weight zone for me.
The 170s are going pretty quickly. So far. Probably because of the 4 sessions of 45-60 minute elliptical I have added. 177 was my former Ediets low weight. I am now 175 and this is about the weight I was when I graduated from high school. I had much less muscle then so was probably flabbier. I am looking pretty buff right now. I do have excess skin and am worried about that.
So my next goal is 169 which is my high end of my weight range. I will go on maintenance at that point but will be doing a stricter BFL type of eating plan at that point and hopefully can start doing weights again as my hand should be healed.
Typing is still soooo hard.

7 Pounds From Goal

2006-05-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

I broke my hand so this will be short.
I have had it with it is all about me people. I ran into a weight loss friend at ww a few weeks ago and it was all about her. And she has GAINED weight. I went to a party last weekend with a friend who never acknowledges my weight loss. Had to hear about her vacation and she would not listen about mine.
Tired of this.

RADICALS

2006-05-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

I have a new television show I love to watch. It is called Big Love and it is on HBO. The story is about a Mormon family headed by Bill Paxton that practices polygamy. Polygamy was outlawed in the Mormon church over a century ago but there are still sects of practitioners of the path. Bill’s character has three wives, Jean Tripplethorn, Chloe Sevigny, and another actress. They live in the real world and each wife has her own home. The homes are adjoining and they act as a complete family. Obviously the concept of this show is too radical for bland network programming and HBO is able to show a naked Paxton frolicking with his wives in bed etc. I don’t feel this is the most radical part of the show nor is the polygamy. The most radical concept this show delivers is the the practice of a faith by people in their every day life. This is a first on tv. When tv has approached the subject of religion and spiritual practices, it has merely been to show certain religious holiday practices or else they have had cutesy emotional story lines about ghosts or spirits or angels speaking to people. Never in the history of tv has a show depicted the every day struggles of people practicing their faith or spiritual belief systems. This show does that.
I hate to make the easy comparison of this with our diet struggles, but I think it is much the same way because we are radicals who practice healthy eating and exercising. We practice good health in our daily lives. We are elite, but we are also isolate and alone sometimes.
Does that sound too dark? I don’t think there is one person I have ever seen post on any thread on dieting that were not experiencing resistance, negativity, sarcasm, and pain from those around them, family, friends, and coworkers at the point where they were giving 200%. Just this morning I was on the elevator and I have a nice outfit on and one of the trolls I work with, glared at me. And I was not imagining it. I have experienced a lot just getting on the god dammed elevator first thing in the morning before I even get to my office. You know what this sort of behavior has made me do? It has made me dress nicer every day. I wake up and think what outfit I can wear to day to incite jealousy? I must look really good to be so reviled. I am not even allowed in the lottery ticket pool any more.
Yes, this is isolating. It is radical living like this, but like people of faith you have to ask yourself what are you giving up and what are you gaining. I am going home for a family reunion this August and I anticipate right now that I will be the subject of discussion there. My mom is already offended and scared of my weight loss and I have lost almost 20 pounds since the last time she saw me. I am not anticipating having a good time because I am radical. I am living a lifestyle and practicing a way of life every day that most people want to practice, but have convinced themselves they can’t. I have to uphold this lifestyle and explain it to my family. They will give me excuses about the way they eat. They will give me reasons not to exercise. They can’t drink that much water because it makes them gag. Am I giving up too much? Finally it occurred to me what the alternative is. The alternative is to live like them. Now I am one of the Others like on the tv show Lost. On the second season finale Hurley finally asks one of them who they are. The man answered that they are the good guys.
I am a good guy. I am. I am really not trying to do this to make anyone else unhappy. The alternative is to be like one of them. I am not happy fat. I don’t really believe people who say they are happy fat people. They are in denial. I believe. I didn’t like being in denial, pretending I was thin when I was fat. It was a lie. I lived the lie every day. I would rather be radical than a liar.

She Did It Again

2006-05-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

It is getting almost laughable. Today an old student worker came in and she talked to him downstairs and came up and said he noticed she had been working out. Wonder what prompt she gave him for that compliment. He is a polite young Chinese man and just doesn't make those kinds of comments. LOL It is laughable. Now it doesn't bother me. I lost 44 pounds! Yeah.
I do feel sorry for her though because I lived in that denial a long time. I never lost weight. But when you try to convince other people you are, when you aren't, then you are in big trouble. I can create my own denial. Creating denial for others is hard work.
I ate too much this past weekend I feel so am making up for it by eating clean clean clean this week. Chicken breasts, veggies, brown rice, cottage cheese, fruit, oatmeal, egg whites. Lots of cardio. I want to be 7 pounds from goal this Saturday.

8 MORE POUNDS

2006-05-22T08:10:00.000-07:00

I reached two important goals this past weekend. One was getting to my low weight of 177 that I had reached two years ago before I gained back 44 pounds. Also I am under 10 pounds until goal weight. I am now at 8.
For the past two weeks I have looked at the Bikram mirror and liked what I see. I would no longer look at myself in the mirror and say that is a fat woman. I try not to compare myself to others in class. There are a lot of younger women with amazing bodies. I don’t have an amazing body. Yet. But that is my ultimate goal. I am starting to visualize what my body will be like when I get what I want out of this. I want to be at my best. I want to be amazing. I want male attention. I want female jealousy. I want it all.Because I like putting on clothes that fit well and that I don’t have to struggle with. I like not having to button and zip up pants over a flabby belly.
At his weight, every pound I lose is visible. Lately it has come off my stomach. Stomach last. My worst feature and I may need a tummy tuck at some point. So I am working uberhard to make my stomach the best it can be. I will fight that tummy tuck I will. I love the clothes I wear now. I like looking at myself. I like working out. Every workout counts at this point.
8 more pounds.

10 Pounds From Goal

2006-05-16T05:47:00.000-07:00

Sounds pretty good and I got in the 170s too. All that cardio is paying off. I am enjoying this feeling. I am no longer fat. I do not look in the Bikram mirror and think fat person any more. That is gone.

Stepping Up

2006-05-10T07:34:00.000-07:00

Now that my weight loss has slowed to a turtle's speed, I have to step things up and what does that mean?
Well, initially starting weight watchers one promise I made to myself was that the word "no" is not to be put in the front of any word. That worked well for my first 41 pounds. I did not overdo anything and ate my daily requirement of fruits and veggies and dairy and protein. I did use points for occasional light desserts and treats I like. I am a Coke addict and I usually have one or two a week and they are planned for. I used to drink like four or five a day. This week I "quit" the diet coke. Well, at least I am giving myself one a day. This can be a trigger for me so I have to be careful. I drank way too many of them and they made me feel like crap with all the caffeine and preservatives. I did have one this morning but that is it for the day. Yesterday I had none. If I lose control for a day, I will have to quit it totally which is my goal. I mean I really hate the shit. Really. I do. Why do I drink it like water? I haven't a clue.
See it has taken months to get here and I have had to work and tweak things as I go. I also added four sessions of the elliptical a week a few weeks ago. I thought this would jump start some loss but it really hasn't although I do feel there is a loss of fat in my midsection the past few days from the cardio, which I work HARD.
So what is happening is that I am using the word no to myself more frequently. I have had one coke this week. If I really want one, I will have it. Almost talked myself into it last night but didn't do it and there is a two liter bottle at home. I can't open that though because my fiance's youngest, who is a sugar addict and is with us this week, will suck it all down if I open it and have some so it kept me from doing that last night. Fiance is trying to get him off the sugar since he has ADD now among other problems. I think he is malnourished myself but no one asks what I think. Probably because they know it already.
So although I am not the food nazi that my Ediets friends are I do realize that to get to my goal, I have to tighten it up and eat less of that stuff, which is pretty minimal and more healthy stuff. Especially since I am doubling up some days with the cardio on the elliptical with a Bikram yoga class. Nutrition is vital those days so that I don't haul off and die in the middle of yoga.
I am not in a hurry to lose but am trying to break into the 170s this month. I have to go to fiance's youngest son's confirmation a week from Sunday and bought an outfit and the skirt is snug, so would like that a little loser plus we have to go to the exes for a party afterwards. Boy am I looking forward to that. Hope they serve alcohol.
The next week we are going to a party for the holiday weekend and my two friends that will be there are superskinny. I am still like two of them. No lie. One wears little boy clothes because even petites are too big. She has an eating disorder though. Anyway I have a new outfit for that that fits fine. It is fiance's work party so want to look fab so at least someone there fucking notices, even though my skinny friends don't say a thing about them but I probably still look like a cow to them. Who cares. They are fun and there will be alcohol!

How Did She Get So FAT!

2006-05-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

I ran into an old coworker yesterday at Home Depot and was shocked to see she had gained about 60 pounds. She pretended she didn't see me. I remember she was on a diet all the time and was very tiny. Now she is fat and flabby and out of shape.
About a year ago that would have been me and I know I always hated seeing someone from my thinner days and would hide too. Been there, done that. Makes me wonder what caused her to lose her way. Relationship problems with the husband? Problems with children? Work?
Last night I sort of understood this whole food addiction thing better after watching the Sopranos. One of the characters, Christopher, used to be a raging drug addict/alcoholic. He went to rehab and gave it all back. Tony talked him into having a glass of wine and soon he was shooting up.
I think it is the same way with food. It starts out small. Maybe you quit logging your food and don't count those extra bites. Then you start eating out more. You don't weigh your portions as much. Your clothes are getting smaller. But you get in denial. Maybe like me, you avoid the scale. You get in full-blown denial and you end up gaining it back. And more usually.
I wish there was more research into why people gain back + more. There must be a reason? Maybe due to the havoc we are putting our metabolisms in due to constant dieting. I know a friend and I were talking about this a while back. Her friend, who is probably in the high end or a little more of her weight range, just eats a ton of food and never gains, while we count every miniscule bite, calorie, and point we eat. Plus we exercise like fiends and this woman does nothing. I told my friend that it is because we are dieting all the time and our bodies must really be fighting us to stay fat. It is frustrating. I do believe most thin people are careful though and don't eat everything they see. If you have never been overweight then you obviously have learned what I have never learned, how to eat moderately.
I don't think I ever will either. This is a lifelong struggle.

Oh, I only lost .2, even after adding all that cardio. Geez.

I AM NOT NICE TODAY

2006-05-05T09:08:00.000-07:00

Today I am no longer resisting being myself and saying what needs to be said. I have been Mr. Nice Guy around here for too long. I sat around here patiently enough for the past months listening to my coworker yack about how much weight she is losing since she has started going to a health club three days a week. I supported her. I did not brag about my weight loss while she has stayed the same size because I didn't want her to feel bad about herself.
I mean, she must know that she is still the same size.
But, after yesterday, all bets are off.
I am, after all, basically a not very nice person with few friends. Because I do NOT put up with bs. She pushed the bs button too far over the room temperature issue.
Since I have lost 41 pounds since September 1st, I am colder. I have always been colder than her, because she has always been fatter than me. We work in the coldest room on our floor. People come in here all the time and say how cold it is. We haven't had too much really warm weather here yet, but she keeps yanking down the thermostat to 66 degrees, because she works up a sweat going to the bathroom. So I kept turning it up. Yesterday after she had turned it back down and it was your basic icebox in this room I approached her maturely and said we need to find a moderate temperature because it is too cold and that when she has the air conditioner turned down to 66 degrees before she leaves and I then I come in in the morning, it is about 60 degrees in here and I have to turn it up. We sort of came up with an agreement to not turn it below 70 or above 73. But then she started making the excuses of why she is warm and I am cold.
According to her she is closer to the heater. Sorry, but not buying that. There is not warm air gushing out of there like there is the AC vent. It feels warm to touch, but there is no real heat coming out. Also, according to her, I am cold because I do Bikram yoga in a hot studio.
That was too much denial for me. So I am pointing out a lot of things to her, not real blatantly, but I am not holding back and trying to be nice.
She is hot all the time because she is fat and is NOT losing any weight by going to the gym three times a week. Especially since, on a daily basis, she eats ice cream, candy, sweet rolls etc. EVERY DAY.
I am cold because I lost 41 pounds of fat and insulation and I work out HARD 6 days a week, sometimes twice and never eat that crap.
Turning down the thermostat to 66 degrees is inappropriate since we are barely making it to 60 degrees outside.
Lose some weight coworker and quit talking about it is what I like to say, but instead I am rubbing it in her face today that I am buying new smaller clothes and maybe she will realize she isn't because she is fat. She is hot becauase she is FAT.
Although when I talked about buying smaller jeans today she did say her baggy knit winter pants are getting loose. Sure, have a nice trip down DENIAL river.
See I have to protect myself. I should not have to freeze because she is fat and can't do anything but stuff food in her face. And eat a lot of processed crap. She bragged to me about burning 350 calories on the elliptical (I doubt it) in 25 minutes. I go on there to 50 minutes!
I would rather be in my place however, thinner and losing and healthy and attractive, than staying the same and not able to admit it even to myself.

FAT WOMEN ARE INVISIBLE

2006-05-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

I have learned this lesson before on my other journeys into lower weight land. The smaller you become, the more VISIBLE you are.
When you are heavy, you are virtually invisible. People don't normally just 'talk' to you and that is especially true of men when the women are heavy. They aren't very friendly. Now, I am experiencing more 'friendliness' and I don't mean in the form of come-ons. I mean, I look much better but am approaching 50, another invisibility factor, but men, like bus drivers or men at the bus stop or yoga class are just nicer to me. I think, for men, they are fearful of being nice or friendly to a heavier woman, because they fear that it may be mistaken for attraction and they may be somewhat right. I did, many times, read more into what it really meant when a man was at all nice to me and mistook it for interest and it never was. Never ever. Don't ever kid yourself about shy men. When men know what they want, they go after it.
But being invisible is hard. It is like you don't 'count'. Society is very mean to heavy people. There were some people talking about fat women and laughing at them before yoga class last week. I was appalled and if I were still heavy, I doubt that conversation would have even taken place. This is probably normal conversation though, that I missed out on for years!
I was invisible among family and friends. When I was younger and REALLY heavy no one ever asked me if I were dating someone. They knew I wasn't! My sisters used my fatdom and single momedness to exclude me from family activities. I knew why they did it, even if they didn't admit it because they also did it to my other really heavy sister. Did it hurt? Hell yeah. I felt so bad and angry that I was already isolated and then to even have your own family isolate you even further? I am over it now and one of the sisters who engaged in this is dead. Which is also sad. And hurtful.
I can only imagine what my friends thought about me. The token fat girl friend. They were nice, but I bet they were vicious behind my back. I am sure they were. One of them, even though I have changed, still treats me like FAT DUMPY JOAN FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
Do people ever know the pain and harm they do other people? I probably do this on some level. Last week I was sitting in the weight watcher meeting thinking man are there ever a lot of FAT women here! Hardy har har. I am one of the normal looking people there. I am a thin one there.
A lot of these women look very sad and unhappy and I know they are in a lot of pain. Because I have been there. And even though they are invisible to our society in a lot of ways and are ignored and talked about when they can't here, they also are a very visible presence of what thinner people don't want to be. Thinner people, me included, look at them and think I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. And they know people think that way.
When I went to Jamaica recently I thought that about a lot of women. There were a lot of heavy women in bikinis at the resort on the beach. There were more women I DIDN'T want to look like than I DID want to look like. There were a lot of thin out of shape women I don't want to look like either. The yoga teachers were goddesses. Real goddesses. They had curves and muscle and were healthy and glowing.
What point am I getting to? Mostly that we should all approach weight loss and health from just that perspective. What do we want our visibility to show? I have a goal weight but I also have a goal body image that I think about even more. When I look in the Bikram mirror, where you can not hide from yourself, I criticque my body and notice the changes. Like last night I noticed that my waist is really whittled down, but that my arms could use more toning. Time to get out the weights again! I don't know what I will look like when I get to goal, but I do know I will keep changing and improving on what I have at that point.
I don't want to be invisible like that ever again. I count. We all count. Heavy women count too. I can't do anything about the scorn and hatred that heavy women have to live with. But I do recognize it. And I can choose to not act in that way towards anyone, including myself.

My Head is Reeling

2006-05-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I was right, as usual, last Friday about coworker. After listening to another woman and I talk about our weight watcher successes and finding out another HUGE woman we work with has lost 40 pounds since January from weight watchers, she started asking about it. I even let her look at my book. However, since the weekend, she has shown no interest again. Last week she talked about going to a meeting. I doubt it will ever happen, but this morning she said she was going to put off buying new clothes until she loses MORE weight. If I had a dime for every time this woman talked about losing MORE weight. Then she said until then, she will wear the same capris she wore last summer and the summer before that and.....we are talking six years of the same clothes she has worn over and over while waiting to lose more weight. This morning, I practically fainted when she said it. I like her and would never challenge her. I probably did have people challenge me on the bs when I was heavier when I was spewing the denial crap and I probably labeled them as mean, like my mom. My mom is mean though. Now she is trying to rattle me for losing weight. Sadly, I know my coworker will NEVER lose weight, let alone MORE weight. Today she is going out for some fattening lunch and then out for ice cream later. She did a 2.5 mile walk for something last weekend and told me about the fattening lunch she had afterwards. The fact is, this woman can not let any food pass by without saying YES. NO to food is not in her vocabulary.
Actually the ice cream is part of a state wide employee appreciation thing. We don't get raises, so they give out free ice cream once a year. I never go. They can cram the ice cream up their asses in the State of Wisconsin as far as I am concerned.
So I diligently move along and do things the right way, but sometimes it is just so HARD. It is so much work and to listen to people who think a two mile walk will allow them to cram anything in their pieholes and then tell me they are losing weight? And they never get on a scale? Hard to believe I know. I log food into three places somedays. Today I am doubling my workout. 50 HARD minutes on the elliptical followed by a 90 minute session at Bikram yoga.
I am a warrior I tell ya!

11 Pounds from Goal

2006-05-01T06:04:00.001-07:00

I had a 1.2 loss this week which was excellent. I started adding cardio on the elliptical and have four 50 minute sessions planned a week. Wish I could make a 2 pound loss happen but oh well. Just keep doing what I am doing. I am getting close, but it is still so slow.
This is weird though. I am starting to fit in size 8s in pants and jeans. My 10s are baggy as hell. I saw the measurements of a woman on Ediets who is my height and is about 25 pounds thinner and her measurements were very similar to mine, which leads me to believe I am carrying a lot of muscle. I am going to get it measured at the gym and should make an appointment today to do that. Will be interesting.
Had a fight with fiance over the house being a mess. He doesn't see the problem and thinks everything is fine and that his kids do try. I didn't mean to pick on them again, but I get very discouraged coming home day after day to a mess in the house. Plus my daughter is coming home from college and I am trying to set up a system of chores and tv time for everyone in the house that is equal across the board but am sure there will be grumbling. I don't give a rat's ass about the grumbling but he is so worried his kids won't like him. I could care less about my kid not liking me. Lord. His kids are just lazy as hell and there mom is a pig so they don't understand the whole concept of living in cleanliness. My daughter does understand that. Part of the problem is that last summer she could never watch tv because his kids are glued to it 24/7 when they are home. I am sure they hate me for inflicting this shit on them but I don't see the point of just letting kids rule the house and do what they please. His oldest is almost 20. I told him someday he will move out and is he prepared for that at all? No. He can throw a frozen pizza in the oven and that is the extent of it. My daughter lived in a dorm all year so I know she did learn that you don't wake up in the morning and everything is there for you. She doesn't cook meals or anything like that but she does have to learn somewhat to fend for herself. My project with her this summer is to get her to start eating regular healthy meals. She starves all day and then binges with a huge amount of food. Told her she will have to learn this when she gets her own apartment and to fix yourself a sandwich or bowl of soup or she will be eating out all the time and wasting money on food or just eating chips. She is very lazy about that too, but at least I work at these issues unlike fiance who just lets his kids do as they wish and doesn't try to instill any habits in them that will aid them along in life.
I mean why do people have kids? They aren't frigging pets. Just bugs the hell out of me that his kids are so useless. I came home on Friday and the oldest was actually mowing the lawn. That is because he called his dad and wanted to go out to eat so fiance told him that he had to mow the lawn and couldn't do both so that was incentive for him to do it but that is the first time he has done it since I have been there. Anyway later I was at the convenience store and the neighbor lady was there and actually said to me she was glad to finally see one of the boys out there doing something besides their dad all the time. I told him too. I mean, yeah she was a bitch for saying that to me when I hardly know her but it is pretty bad when other people notice how useless your kids are. I see plenty of boys their age out doing stuff in the neighborhood.
Anyway, am really feeling sensitive about things since I am at this last 11 pounds. I was about this weight in high school and right before I had my baby 19 years ago. So this is low for me and I am feeling sensitive like I did during those periods. Feel like I am living through my high school insecurities all over again and it is weird and scarey. Feel like withdrawing right now from stuff and from people. Plus I have to face my family reunion at the end of the summer when I will be under my goal weight hopefully and they will not be positive or supportive and I will have to endure their jealous passive aggressive bs, especially from my dear mom.
Bee-atches. Sick of them all.

A MOMENT

2006-04-28T06:09:00.000-07:00

I belive my coworker had a 'moment' yesterday. Another woman was in here working with me and she is back to weight watchers. Not going to meetings, but just doing it on her own. She was four pounds from goal last summer and then some doc probably put her on some unnecessary meds and the result was gaining all the weight back. Anyway she and I were yacking about it and I know coworker eavesdrops on everything and found out this other HUGE woman who works up here has last 40 pounds from being on weight watchers since January. I thought she looked better. I will have to compliment her next time I get a chance. Plus, this woman has a sister I don't like who works in the next building who must weigh like 400 pounds I lie not.
Anyway I asked coworker if she had heard about Kathy losing 40 pounds, which it took me since September to lose, and she asked if she was working out. Coworker joined a gym in January and hasn't lost an ounce. I think she is figuring this out. Told her I didn't know but maybe Kathy is walking or doing Curves or something. She looked a little sheepish. She must be realizing by now that working out three times a week is not resulting in any weight loss especially when you can not pass up every sweet roll and cookie that you see. There is ALWAYS food around here and she ALWAYS eats it.
Anyway I hope she had the moment. I had mine September 1st, 2005 and made a plan and moved forward NO MATTER WHAT. I did remark to the woman I was working with, loud enough for coworker to hear, that YOU HAVE TO WEIGH YOURSELF OR YOU ARE JUST IN DENIAL ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT. There is no way to know if you are losing. I don't go 100% by the scale but it is a weekly indication of something. If I gain, even .2 or whatever, I change something immediately and reevaluate what I am doing.
Also, I am sick of coworker prancing in here and telling me how much weight she is losing when it is so obvious that she is losing NOTHING. So pissed at her anyway for coming in and cranking on the air conditioner as I speak. If she lost some weight maybe she wouldn't be so hot all the time. I never acknowledge this pretend weight loss with her and just tell her that is good when she claims her clothes, which are all knits are baggy because not ONE TIME has she acknowledged my weight loss.
Maybe she had a moment. Maybe not. Will see what she brings in to eat today. I am glad for Kathy though. She is a nice lady and is very pretty. I know her whole family is heavy and that is a struggle because then every family occasion is like mine, full of crap and junky food which makes it harder. I doubt the 400 pound sister will be that supportive. I used to take the bus with her and she is extremeley patronizing and bossy for some reason.
I struggled with the idea of going raw and tried that last week and the experiment did not work. A lot of my Ediets friends are doing it successfully and that kind of bothered me that I didn't seem to have the same experience. Till I figured out why.
I realized I have no intention of making it a permanent way of life. It just isn't for me. While I strive and am successful at incorporating a lot of healthy fruits and veggies and organic foods in my diet, I don't feel like I want this as my lifestyle 100%. I talked to a friend that is a nutritionist and she agreed that while eating raw organic fruits and veggies in the diet is good, lightly steaming or sauteeing veggies is also healthy and aids in the digestion of fiber. So if I did do this over a period of time, I would really only be doing it with the intention of weight loss and would go back off it for sure and would probably gain weight back. I might lose faster, but in the long run, I do not want this lifestyle.
Today is a major busy day. The weekend is too. I have to buy my fiance his birthday presents and am buying new bedding and lamps for the bedroom so I can get more of that godawful country crap out his ex decorated with. Blech.

FOOD

2006-04-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

What a profound subject.
For people like myself with eating disorders it is like a 24 hour a day chat in your head. What am I going to eat, what should I get at the store, memories of good meals. It is incessant and it never stops.
Anybody ever know of or hear someone who has been on drugs and ruined their lives and wondered why don't they just STOP doing the drugs.
I think the chatter is the same only accompanied by some strong physical stuff.
Why can't Whitney Houston just STOP the drugs and kick Bobby Brown OUTTADAHOUSE.
Why can't Robert Downey JR. just say no?
Remember Nancy Reagan just say no to drugs? She just said no to food too didn't she. Simplistic and easy approach.
That doesn't work for 99% of us.
I read a post on Weight Watchers about a woman who struggled and finally got to goal. Her best always thin never had a food issue friend had not much to say on her journey down. Didn't offer a lot of support. Wasn't passive aggressive though. Which is something I am experiencing now and dealing with with NICENESS and NEVER APPROACHING THE WEIGHT LOSS SUBJECT. Anyway when this woman got to goal she sat down and talked to her long and large about what a struggle this was and that she was an emotional eater and fueled her bad feelings, pain, loneliness, what have you with SUGAR or CHOCOLATE or CHIPS.
The woman stared at her blankly while she unloaded this on her. Then the realization came to the woman who lost.
Her best friend had never experienced eating food for emotional reasons. She had never binged. She ate when she was hungry. She stopped when she wasn't. Her whole life.
What a moment that must have been. Her friend had no comprehension of what this woman's life had been like. What a lot of our lives are like?
I had a room mate in college who dated a man who belonged to AA. Occasionally they had other AA people over and they would go through mass quantities of coffee and the living room would be smokey as hell. I figured they had transferred one habit for another. But they had to QUIT the juice.
We overeaters can't quit the juice. We have to eat so every mouthful has the potential to either make our bodies fatter or thinner. When do we stop eating? What do we do when our emotions lead us to the fridge.
Actually we do pretty much the same thing, only hopefully we don't smoke. We have to find new habits and new hobbies. The food obsession never leaves though I am quite sure. I should try to experiment with just one day of eating when hungry and stopping when not. I bet it wouldn't work. I would still overeat or undereat or choose the wrong things. It would take a long time to retrain myself to be like that. Years. A life time.

Bitch Stared At My Shoes On Elevator AGAIN TODAY

2006-04-25T05:36:00.000-07:00

I'm just saying......
She did glance to see what un-sensible shoes I was wearing.
Had a great day yesterday. I am glad I am unraw for now. Made a great chili last night to take with me during the rest of the week and the timing was good. It is cold here this morning. Hope this is our last real cold spell. Was very chilly at the bus stop. Also I did 45 minutes on the elliptical yesterday. I love cardio. I really do. I need to invest in a home cardio machine but there is so much that needs to be done at our house as far as painting and yard work for now that I can't rationalize buying an expensive piece of equipment right now.
I woke up hungry. That is always good when I am looking for a big weight loss week and I am this week. I have a bunch of mini-meals planned and am going for an elliptical session prior to yoga so am being a real warrior this week. Tomorrow I am doing two yoga classes in a row.
Have to scare this fat away.
I was becoming somewhat self-satisfied with this weight loss I have had, but all of a sudden, that went away and I am faced with not-good-enoughitis. I want to be better. I feel like I am hypercritical of everyone though and keep calling other heavier women fat bitches under my breathe. I know it isn't nice.
On an off note. I love HBO tv. There is so little on the networks that have the quality of HBO series.
Last night I watched the second part of Elizabeth I. I hope Helen Mirran gets an Emmy for that one. For sure she will be nominated. What a superb actor. I suppose she will get nominated against CSI botoxed type of leading actresses in that category? I find those shoes stiff and devoid of character. I never watch network series like those ever. I do watch Lost, but do not think they have anything special in the way of actresses. That Evangeline Lilly is overrated as far as hotness. She looks like a teenage boy. Men just like her because of the extreme low rides and the whole bikini wax fantasy thing they have. The show is good, but has moved slow this year. There have been intermittent bursts of information. My step son is into their stupid message boards. Those people don't know shit.
I also love Entourage. What a great show. The guys are all cute and Jeremy Pivens steals the show. I love Matt Dillons brother too. Hilarious show.
Sopranos of course. The best tv series ever.
Now I am hooked on Big Love. My fiance was saying this show could never be on network tv since they show Bill Paxton nude with all three wives, but I think the networks would never touch the religion viewpoint. I can't think of any series ever that has seriously approached the subject of a person practicing his faith and the struggles they have with it. That is what puts this series out there. Jean Tripplethorn is great. What a beautiful woman. They probably wouldn't put her on networks unless she got super thin either. She is normal and gorgeous. Great cast. I love this show.
Remind me to quit watching network tv, except for reality. I do love Idol and Survivor still but that is about it. Oh, and the Office. Hilarious.
I am creating new tv rules for our family room this summer so the Woad boys don't hog the tv all summer. They don't know about it yet and am sure they will hate it but too bad. Oh, that is another reason I love Big Love. I am trying to convince fiance that this polygamy thing is a great idea. He could get a couple other wives, let them live in separate houses. I would like one to do cleaning and the other, hopefully find a more maternal type, for the kids to all live with. This would be great and I could get rid of him two out of every three nights. Just me and the dog and my clean house without his kids around.
I am a genius. After I get to goal, I want to be Queen of England!

A Bit Agitated

2006-04-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

Every last nerve is agitated today. My raw experiment did not pan out last week. I ended up with an unofficial .2 loss. I got on the weight watcher scale and the weigher was distracted and the scale showed a .2 loss and the minute she looked it jumped up to last weeks weight so officially I stayed the same. That does show how weird the scale is. What did I do? Breathe too deeply? I recorded my weight as .2 down though. I was starving all week and thought I would have a loss from changing to a diet of mainly raw food. It also made me constipated and I know I should realistically give it more time, but I felt very panicy all week so think I am just not ready for this at this point. I explained this on my Ediets support thread and someone sort of commented on sticking with something etc like I just said, and it just set off my mood for the weekend. I know she didn’t mean it that way but I just felt like I have accomplished nothing and felt very fat all weekend and still do.Thus the agitation. My coworker came in making a lot of noise and was bugged out about me setting the thermostat up again. We have two different body temps. She is fat and is hot all the time and I am always cold. People always come in our office and remark how cold it is but it pissed me off she set the thermostat down to 68. I turned it back up a bit but she might have turned it back down when I went out a bit ago. Playing games with this.
I also came into a bunch of work that is irritating me. I am leaving early and am looking forward to going to the gym for a change and doing some cardio. I have a feeling yoga would agitate me too. I am also probably agitated because we had a nice weekend alone and now kids will be there from now until September. Yikes. I should probably just be alone today and hope this passes.
Also I tried to link some other blogsites to mine and it didn't work. Excuse my retardation today.

A BIG FUCKING RANT TODAY

2006-04-21T05:37:00.000-07:00

Then I will figure out how to link to other blogspots.

I am tired of it for real. We are for the most part, a very sick, ill society. People are addicted to and killing themselves with crappy processed foods. We have an epidemic of fat, obesity, diabetes, etc, that is killing us and our children slowly.

For my whole life I have been fighting being fat and every time I go down the scale it is because I forego the crap I eat for healthy food. The truth is, I do prefer the healthier food. The reason I eat the crap, when I do, is usually because I am punishing myself or get lazy or just don't care about myself. It is due to something negative in my life, not because I like the crap better.

Yet, every damn time I lose weight I have to fight the people who think that healthy food is bad or it tastes bad. How ridiculous is this?

I have it at home. I love my fiance, but I HATE AND LOATHE his kids who eat NOTHING but crap and every time I am making my healthy food, which the little asswipes REFUSE to eat, they comment on how it looks like crap or probably tastes awful, because it is healthy. These boys NEVER eat a fruit or vegetable and haven't for years. Unless you count the occasional can of peas. I don't count that. The 19 year old lives on frozen chicken patties, frozen pizzas, and white bread. The younger one is worse. He is a sugar addict on ADD medicine. They both have personality disorders. The older one is antisocial and does nothing but watch tv. Has no friends. Is sarcastic ALL the time. The younger one is worse. He is arrogant and stupid. I hate them and I hate putting up with their attitude. Towards what I eat. I mean mind your own beeswax about food because I am NOT pushing any food down your throats boys and your mom looks like crap and is younger than me and talk to me 20 years from now when you look like crap and I look amazing still! A couple of weeks ago fiance or I was making dinner and fiance asked the older asswipe if he wanted some and he said "Not if it is healthy. It probably tastes like crap." I think he should have had his mouth slapped.

Then there is my family. My mom tells me I should cook for this family and not the healthy meals I eat but the kind of crappy cheesey shit she makes. My mom is a good cook, but is incapable of making a veggie not covered in goo and fat. If she makes a fruit salad, you can bet there are a couple of cups of sugar on. When I make something, she questions it, won't eat it, and if she does eat it, she makes a negative comment on the taste and that it is DIET food. She is a 50s mom, thinks I should take care of fiances kids like I am fucking June Cleaver. I should take care of kids I hate? And fix them food which they won't eat even if it is not MY TYPE OF FOOD? I think not.

I just went on a vacation and drank and ate what I wanted, which was almost all healthy and I lost weight during vacation and enjoyed myself thoroughly. Who the hell loses weight on vacation? You are supposed to gain weight right? Because you dieted to get in a swim suit but for a week who cares? You eat EVERYTHING you want and come back with the assumption of a weight gain?

I don't think this has to be. I enjoyed my vacation and chose healthy foods and exercised and drank water, but also had desserts and wine when I wanted. My sister however, who is jealous and did NOT want to hear about the vacation said, "You didn't stick to THAT diet did you?"
She said this very viciously. She also weighs 300 pounds.

Why is there always the assumption that healthy food, the good food that God, if ya believe, or that the earth gave us is not good food, as opposed to Apple Jacks? I would rather eat an apple than Apple Jacks. Just using that since there is always a box in our cupboard at home. Do people REALIZE how stupid they sound? Especially if they are fat and are stuffing some crap in their face and they are lazy and don't ever move their bodies except for from the fridge to the tv? And then they get health problems, whatever it may be, usually something like a bad back or sore feet or tummy problems which they attribute to everything under the sun EXCEPT for their lifestyles? I hear this at work every day.

There is a 300 pound woman who has problems with her feet which I heard her telling someone is probably hereditary. She had surgery. Takes her forever to walk to the bathroom. Of course her problems have nothing to do with her feet. The only time she can move it is when someone announces there is candy or cookies in the break room. She is first in line for that.

People need to change their attitudes. People think going to Whole Foods is FREAKY. You know what? I see a lot of FAT people there too! The health industry needs to change their attitudes. Doctors are the worst. They would rather prescribe a drug or cut you open with a knife than get real with you and tell you you are a mess. Plus, most of them don't know squat about nutrition.

The fact is, for most of us trying to lose weight, live longer, live better, and be healthier have an uphill battle. Thus the rant. I take it all personally. I do. The only people truely supportive are at my yoga studio. Because they GET it. The teachers GET it. They know that yoga heals pain. They know people come in and take yoga and their lives always change for the better. My fiance sort of gets it, but only because I drill him and hold him down and force feed him. See if he doesn't get it, he can't be on my side. I can't be with someone not on my side and thinks I am nuts. It is a lot to take in for a guy with no weight problem who can eat one oreo a night. But this guy also had high blood pressure and was out of shape and now he exercises and eats healthy cause I do the cooking and he has no choice but to eat healthy now. He knows he is healthier and looks and feels better, yet we had this discussion last weekend and I said I am sick of people with this attitude, but ultimately, even though he drinks my medicine, he still has that attitude and allows his kids to have that attitude and be smart asses towards me.
Brats.

Day 3 Raw

2006-04-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

Day two of the raw experiment was interesting. Although I find myself hungry a lot of the time, I am very energized and had an awesome yoga class last night. I did have a non-raw dinner beforehand because I would not have made it through class without food and fruit and veggies wouldn't cut it since the yoga room was extra hot last night. I know from the past two days I am not a candidate to go 100% raw now, if ever, but I do like the way I feel being raw until dinner.
My one biggest problem is trying to quit drinking diet soda. I know I know. I have read it all. I am trying to stick with one a day and did that Monday but had three yesterday. Last night I drank a ton of water though and the past two nights have been in the bathroom like once an hour.
Today my body looked really different though. My midsection seemed much thinner or less bloated looking than two days ago and I had a really low weigh in last Saturday. This weeks weigh in should be interesting. Also, my pants are super loose today.
Today is a long day though since I am working at the yoga studio this evening. I have to work then run home and eat some food and go back to sign in students for two classes. I will take the eight o'clock class and read my raw book during the six o'clock class.
I will eat a lot today and tomorrow and Friday will be low point days before weigh in.
If people asked me what diet I am on it would be a stretch to explain that I am weight watchers with a touch of raw-Perricone-low glycemic-Zone-bfl snuck in. I could just say I am on the new hybrid diet but then they would want to know what book I read or what the web site is for it. Last week I did two days of bfl and two of Perricone and the rest was whatever I wanted.
But that was one of the contingencies of weight loss for me this time. Last September 1st I had an agreement with myself that the word NO is left out of the nutrition library. I will eat chicken ass if I feel like it.
Which is funny, I mentioned to fiance that chicken mcnuggets have 38 ingredients and none of them is meat. That is the only thing turd will eat at McDs. I asked him if turd knew the ingredients and he said he wouldn't tell him since that is the only thing he will eat there. Chicken ass nuggets. I see that McDs is trying to clean up its act again but I personally don't think they have much to worry about or that anyone will stop eating there after the new book out by the guy who wrote Fast Food Nation since that book didn't stop anyone.
Mental note-Find a copy of Fast Food and make fiance read it.

Raw Truth

2006-04-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

I have tooled with and experimented with going raw several times in the past, unsuccessfully. Normally I start out doing well but then get gripped by this strong fear and then quit.
I am doing a new experiment with it this week based on the The Raw Food Detox Diet by Natalia Rose. I just started reading the book, but she takes you slowly into a 100% raw diet in stages. This makes more sense to me. It is a real shock to the system. Also, she does not necessarily suggest going 100% raw is the best thing for everyone. Actually, I am quite sure I will never go 100% raw.
This week I am eating raw fruit until lunch and then a big salad for lunch. Yesterday I had that scared feeling, but it passed. Today I am feeling more energized and lighter. For dinner I had grilled chicken, whole wheat pasta, and spinach and will be having the same tonight as leftovers.
I will see how this pans out at weigh in. I logged the food into weight watchers and am coming up close to my point range and also logged it into fitday and came up with approximately 1400 calories for yesterday. I am also having some ezekial bread with peanut butter post yoga and milk. I also do not think I will give up dairy. I do not bloat from it and like it.
This book also has some good info on food combining but I just have skimmed these parts so far.
So this will be an interesting experiment and so far, I like it.

13 Pounds Until Goal

2006-04-17T06:53:00.000-07:00

Back to business after all the vacation hoo-ha.
I went back to my weight watcher meeting on Saturday after two weeks and lost 1.8. I was worried about a small gain, but I lost over the two weeks that included my vacation and was extremeley pleased.
I am getting a lot of negative feedback from family members and it is really pissing me off. I told my mom I lost over vacation and that I am in my size 8 jeans and she said she didn't want to talk about it. She was snippy with me in general so I called my sister to see if she had been feeling poorly lately and she asked about my vacation. When I mentioned the food was so good, she said, "You didn't stick to your diet the whole time did you?!" This was said very viciously as was my mom's comment. My daughter also said something snippy about how white women, including me, have a screwed up ideal of the female form.
I mean, I am hardly too thin and there is should be no real worry about me venturing into anorexic territory. I still have a substantial amount of fat on my body believe me. So why the viciousness?
I was also greeted with a vicious remark first thing this morning about my shoes. If you don't wear frumpy shoes around here, apparently you are hated.
As far as my mom and sister are concerned I have decided to not say anything again about weight. I will shock and awe them in Augst when I see them. I told my daughter it is okay to not agree with me on things, but as my daughter I expect her to be on my side, as I am with her, period. When good things happen to either of us, there should be no envy involved as there is with my mom.
My coworkers can talk all the jealous bitches want to about my shoes. I will wear what I want, including stylish shoes and do not have any intention of dressing down to suit them as I continue to lose more weight. Bitches.

I DID IT AGAIN

2006-04-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

I swear I am clairvoyant. I knew this would happen.
My fiance’s youngest son, age 14, has more issues than Sports Illustrated. My daughter were onto him from day one though. He is a conniving, attention getting baby. Very immature. He is tall and weighs about a hundred and minus ten and has horrible eating habits. He is basically a sugar addict who NEVER puts anything healthy in his mouth. He used to play sports and now has foregone his activities in order to spend his time in front of the tv watching idiot movies or playing video games. He hangs on his dad like an albatross around his neck and is extremely needy. His hyperactivity caused his parents to take him to a therapist recently who prescribed him with amphetamines and sleeping pills for ADD in order to help him focus and improve his behavior.So far, he has gotten worse. He makes noises, like someone with Touret’s syndrome, all the time and talks incessantly about nothing. He can’t sit still. He annoys the crap out of me so much that I can not stand to be in the same room with him for more than five minutes.He is a sweet kid but needs a big kick in the ass. My fiancé worries about hurting his feelings, which my daughter and I laugh hilariously over. She knows her feelings have never been spared by me. I tell it like it is and don’t care if she doesn’t like it when I am honest with her. Anyway, for the past year or so he has gotten in this habit of exaggerating/making up injuries to get out of his activities, which he only signs up for to please his dad, who wants him to be in sports so badly since he does have some athletic talent, but doesn’t have any drive or desire to make him succeed. I know this because my daughter was a top athlete all through school and I know what it takes. Anyway, he used to be in three sports and has given them up one by one. He refused to play basketball this year, even after his dad spent big bucks on him last summer to help him improve his skills. He did agree to sign up for track.I told my daughter that I would give him a 50% chance of not evening starting the sport, but that if he did, it would not be long before he came up with a new imaginary/exaggerated illness to get out of practice/meets, like he has done before with various excuses such as headaches, muscle pain, or stomach aches. Every time he whines about something, his parents haul him off to the doctor and they always find that is was nothing. There is never anything wrong with him.
Last night my fiancé informed me that he has not attended practice this week and that he had him in to the doctor for side pain, which to me, obviously from the explanation, is just a side stitch. Anyway, the little retard claims he has appendicitis, which his brother had last year and had them removed, so he is insisting he is in a lot of pain. Sure. Today he was back in the doctor and fiancé said he appeared fine since last night until they started driving to the doctor’s office and then he starts acting like he is pain. They are giving him a CT scan today. For a side stitch.
How can they not see through this? I mean, I will eat my words a thousand times over if he gets rushed into surgery, but am just in awe and disbelief over this. I am not a perfect parent by any means, but this kid is a piece of work. He is lucky he isn’t my kid. I would make him go to practice and if he informed me then that he wanted to quit, which is what this is all about, I would take the tv out of his room and limit his usage in the family room.But that is me, and I am not his mom. Would love to kick his little ass though and ream him out like he needs to be reamed. Glad we didn’t procreate together, me and fiancé. We would divorce for sure over kid issues, being at extreme opposite ends of the spectrum.

I NEVER EVER EVER THOUGHT

2006-04-13T09:22:00.000-07:00

I would go on a vacation like I just did.For many years I had given up on myself and sold myself short. To be honest, this is the first real relationship I have ever had that was even remotely healthy. I have had men in my life, but they were usually half relationships that I worked at the other person did not. Like with my daughter's father.Thus I turned into a single mom at 30. And became a huge, fat single mom. All the pain, loneliness, etc I felt showed itself to the world as FAT. I have always had weight issues and have yo yo dieted my whole life, since age 15, when I went on my first DIET.I am not stupid enough to not think I could gain weight again. That is one lesson I learned.But, as a fat, single mom in my 30s I did not do much more than fantasized about finding the right guy and having the kind of life I deserved and most of the time I didn't feel I deserved it. I felt I was meant to suffer for my bad choices.I had a moment where I kind of woke up from this denial when my daughter was in 3rd grade. Part of my denial was convincing myself that I was actually fit, even though I was kind of fat. This was due to the mad fitness craze I experienced in college, when I gave up drugs and alchohol for running and eating healthy. I did get to a moderately good weight and I was healthy, but really was still fat. Fatter than I am now. Anyway at age 38, I believed I was fit, for some reason because of my semi-athletic past. I even talked about this openly to people who must have thought I was nuts. Or in HUGE DENIAl. Which I was.I decided to take my daughter hiking at a local state park. When we got there I chose the hardest, expert trail, to climb, because I was fit after all.I almost died. Literally. I climbed this trail, but had to stop every two steps. My heart pounded and I was dizzy and felt nauseated. I could have had a heart attack right there in front of my 8 year old daughter.This did wake me up somewhat and I did start exercising but did not really change my eating habits. I did become a fitter fat person. Finally about four years later I joined Ediets and started losing. I don't know how much I lost the first year. I would not weight myself and had not weighed myself in about 12 years. I put in fake numbers for the weigh in. I started out at a size 24 and about a year later, at size 12-14, I weighed in. I thought I weighed about 175.I weighed 208. That was a kick in the butt. How much did I weight when I started? Who knows? 270? Maybe. Maybe more.To make a long boring story short, I lost more, gained, and lost and gained again and now I am at the losing end and at the point where I normally start avoiding the scale for about six months and then find I gained 40 pounds. Denial and yo yo dieting.I am a professional.My self-esteem has taken years to get to where it is.I never thought I would go on a dream vacation with the greatest guy in the world, my John. If John and I broke up, I would never date again, because I know I would never find someone who measures up. Because I did date, in my early 40s before I met him. A lot. I dated a lot of asswipes and had semi-relationships with men who were not worth 2 cents.Because that was all I felt I deserved. I think a lot of people don't believe I deserve him, like my mother and sister. My mom thinks we will break up and I will screw it up, because I had a life of being a total loser. She has defined me as a loser and she can't really accept I changed. That is why she screams at me to not lose more weight. It is intimidating to her. My sister, who weighs 300 pounds and is a nice person, blurted out at xmas that I didn't deserve the nice jewelry that John gave me. That is her denial. She thinks I am a BITCH and that she is nicer and worthier of a great guy even though she HUGE, and I do love her, but she is jealous. And I have lived the denial she is in. If only xyz guy KNEW how nice and wonderful I am, he could overlook the fact that I am HUGE and a SLOB. I lived that denial for years.But I made a lot of changes and it has taken a long time. Am I at where I want to be yet? No. Do I believe I can get there? Yup. Will I get there? Yup. I am pretty sure of that most of the time.I am at a dangerous point right now where I could get complacent and stay off the scale, but I can't do that this time. I have to make myself do the things I don't want to do. I have to believe I deserve this and that I have what I have because of actions I took. I changed. I can get even better and can have nice vacations and a good guy. I can.

WINDING IT UP

2006-04-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

The last two days went pretty quickly and we did not do too much more than we already had that was illegal or immoral. On Thursday we had our last excursion into the mountains for some horseback riding. We went up to the mountains, took some pics, and came back. After that we went back to the resort and sort of chilled. Had a magnificent last dinner on the patio that had shrimp, ocra, and papaya. There might have been other foods, but I could not get enough of those other items. Besides some wine. Then we danced for a while to some live music. I also attended a Nia class that afternoon. That was really fun. It was fun to just let my body dance the way it wanted since I am so use to the 26 Bikram poses. I worked out in the gym daily too. They did not have an elliptical, so I did the stair stepper. That was an awesome machine that really worked my thighs and butt. I need butt shaping since I am generally shapeless there no matter what I do. My daughter has a ghetto booty and always makes fun of my butt.
The next day I got up early to go on the stepper and watched the sun rise over the ocean. That was awesome. Then I went to my last Pilates class and ate a huge breakfast. Was sooo good, had an omelette and pastries. That was really my only pigout when I was there. We got ready to go and I sat in the porch area and watched the rain come in and the breeze. It was a light rain, the only rain we had while we were there. I was very high and it was very soothing. Poor John. He is even more JOHN than he normally is on pot. He is already laid back, confused, and paranoid all the time, so the effect of pot makes him more HIM than he already is. LOL He sat and watched our luggage in the lobby for about an hour after they took it out there. Have no clue what he was worried about. The lobby people were standing there. LOL Poor guy. I sure do love him though.
It was a quiet trip to the airport, always more fun arriving and felt kind of sad. We had an airport delay waiting for another plane that had passengers for our flight. I was really exhausted. Slept a little on the plane and we didn't arrive in Chicago until 11:30. Had a lot of turbulence since we flew over those horrible tornados in Tennessee. Then we drove home and got home about three. It was so cold in Chicago. Was about 30. What a shock
I still have vacation brain but am getting better. John is talking about our next getaway, maybe Hawaii? I do like the idea of a resort vacation that is all inclusive with NO KIDS around. Am sure they have those in Hawaii.
I haven't weighed in yet. I am going to weight watchers this weekend. Hope the damage wasn't too bad, but I did break down and went back to Ediets and am doing the Perricone plan and am sticking to it. All my old Ediets buddies are raw though and feel myself getting sucked in. Last time I tried it I was much heavier and felt panicky but think I will do a raw until dinner thing. I ordered the raw detox book they are going by and put a bid on a juicer on Ebay. I would like the juicer anyways. All those guys are doing Bikrams. I am the one who started that addiction. Speaking of addictions, almost felt like forgoing the weight watcher/diet thing after vacation and going to NA and AA meetings. 12 step started Saturday. I haven't had a drink since that last rum punch before we left on Friday.
I have replaced it with green tea so have a total caffeine buzz going right now.

Naked Wednesday

2006-04-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

Yeah it does get worse. We went to the naked beach on Wednesday. I got up and did our normal breakfast routine and went to the pilates/yoga class and then shopped at the resort gift shop. We ate lunch, went to the beach and decided this was the day. The couples resort has a private nude beach on a little island you take a boat out to. The rules are you have to take your clothes off and men can’t go there alone. John didn’t seem to understand that one. Duh, like every guy wouldn’t want to be out there as soon as the wife is out shopping or at a class or getting her nails done. Then the women wouldn’t go.
There was this joke going around on the message boards that the bartender on the island is blind. Sure. There is a bar there in a swim up pool. Anyway we got in the little row boat and I said something about the humiliation boat. LOL We got there and found a little shaded area and took our clothes off. I am really surprised at John. He is somewhat conservative and so far I am really leading him down the wrong road with this vacation. I think our talk about going to Naked Beach was initially a joke, then we thought why the heck not? At least we can say we did it. I wasn’t worried about how I looked really. My philosophy is there is always a woman or two that looks worse and I just go sit next to them. That was the case here. Some of the people were gross and some looked good. We went down and got a couple of beers at the Blind Mans Bar and sat in the water. Getting out of the pool was somewhat humiliating. The steps were steep if you know what I mean. Anyway we went up and got back to where our clothes were and kind of paraded around on the point, which can be seen from the resort beach. When you are at the resort beach, you can tell the people are naked out there but you can’t see the details at all. We had a couple of beers and came back. Later that day we went on the catamaran booze cruise. I got high, didn’t drink, and we had a blast on that. The Jamaicans got us all dancing and singing. Totally a blast. That night we ate at the Bayside restaurant. This is an Italian restaurant and the food was great. I had salmon and pasta and salad and wine. It is kind of a little hut type restaurant and is right on the water with a beautiful view of the resort. Really a romantic restaurant.
That was day 3.

Barter Tuesday

2006-04-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

I made a mistake the first afternoon, going back to yesterdays Rum Coma title. We had been up at 3:30 for our 6:30 flight out of Chicago and I hadn’t eaten much. They serve tiny portions on the plane. They are smaller than Lean Cuisine or Smart Ones. We got there about 1:30 and grabbed lunch on the patio and then went to the beach and I started drinking rum punches. I thought they would taste too sweet but they weren’t and they were stronger than they tasted. Very deceiving drink. I don’t know how many I had in a couple of hours but went back to the room and passed out until nine. John had to go to the beach party by himself and it sounded like a lot of fun. I thought I was going to die at one point but got up at nine at night and ate something but no more drinking. We went to bed semi-early since we had to get up for the eight o’clock bus to Dunn’s River Falls the next morning.We got up and ate breakfast and then went to the water falls. I love this country but it is so touristy. Every thing we did had about five guides and videotapers. We had one guide to videotape in case we wanted to buy a dvd and two guides to go up this falls. This was in a national park and there were tons of tourists there from the various resorts and cruise ships that dock in Ochos Rios daily. You basically walk down to the beach and then walk up the falls holding hands. It was fun and they took some fun pictures of us as couples individually dancing or sliding in the falls and John actually bought it. It is quite cute and I don’t look too awful in it.
As an aside, I didn’t hate myself in many of the pics we took and some were actually good but I really see the areas that need work. One problem is my legs. My legs have skin hanging off them and look shapeless. My waist and stomach look fine depending on the angle but still need a lot of work. Again I am glad I dieted all winter or I would have been miserable on this trip and hated looking at the pics but I don’t hate them so while I am not where I want to be, I can see the huge improvement.
After the rum incident of the night before, I decided I wanted to buy some pot, so I wouldn’t drink myself to death here and to save some calories. Dunns river was not to be the place. I told John I wanted to go in town in the afternoon for the shopping trip because I figured my chances were better there. I am sure no one on the staff would hook me up. Am sure they are threatened with their jobs and I wouldn’t want that to happen and doubt they would help me.
We got back and ate lunch and then got ready to shop. Another shuttle bus with about 20 of us. Our first stop was this scurvy looking craft mall. These are all over the place and they sell souveneer types of items, tshirts, jewelry, some local crafts, straw hats and whatever. After you have been through a few, you feel you are looking at the same merchandise over and over. The vendors are very pushy and a lot of tourists find it intimidating. I found it annoying. I wanted to look at stuff without one of them yacking at me the entire time. I went to a booth this man dragged us in and saw a Bob Marley mahogany head I liked and asked him how much. His first price was 175 then he kept talking it down to 100. I knew I wouldn’t pay that. He asked me how much I would pay and I said 20 and he said no he would go to 50 so I walked away. Then he dragged me back, stuck the head in the bag and took my 20. He asked me for a tip but I said no way. So that was a good deal. It will look, although odd, in my dining room. John thought this was hilarious. Anyway once you get the knack of bartering, it is easy. All they can say is no. I think this particular craft market was somewhat desperate and on the fringes of town. I would doubt they get a ton of business but who knows.
After that we went downtown and there were basically stores with the same shit in with prices on them, that you also barter for and another huge craft market. John must look like a druggie because he got approached twice for drugs. The second was when we were downtown so I butted in and paid 25 for some pot. John took a pic of the drug deal site. My second good deal of the day. I was pretty excited about that. I wish you could buy drugs that easy here. I love pot and have a hard time getting it. John had never smoked before. Anyway we bought some gifts and then went back and got high. Pretty good stuff, but I had to leave a bunch of it there because John was worried about getting it through customs. This is the one disappointment in my trip. Sucked, but wouldn’t have been worth it I guess.
That night we went to the French restaurant at the resort. Very good food. I had some steak and John had some duck shit. I don’t know why he orders duck. It is never good. Steak is usually a no brainer. Even I can cook steak really well. I don’t know what was French about this restaurant. I thought French food was normally pigeon brains or gerbil chops. The food was good though and the wine. Food taste better when you are high though, but everything we had was good. I know I had a dessert but can’t remember for the life of me what it was.
I did well with eating this trip though. I didn’t really pig out and drank my water and exercised daily and ate lots of fruits and veggies. More later.

RUM COMA

2006-04-09T15:52:00.000-07:00

I am back from vacation and still have vacation brain. It is getting better, or should I say worse. I am sort of getting back to the reality I don't want to be in but what choice do I have. You can't be in paradise every day. Or can you.
I did have a lot of anticipation for this vacation, but didn't really have any expectations. I was busy dieting, had a lot going on at home and with kids, so didn't really think about it much besides shopping for the clothes, which for me, is a paradise in itself, being a shopaholic.
We drove down to Chicago on Sunday and stayed in a hotel overnight since we had to be at O'Hare at 4:30 for our 6:30 flight. The hotel had a gym and I was able to score 50 minutes on the elliptical. I love the elliptical. Wish I had one at home.
The next morning we got off on the plane just fine and landed in Montego Bay about 11:30. From there, we had a two hour shuttle ride to the Couples Resort in Ochos Rios. There were about five other couples going too.
I have to say the one thing I really looked forward to was the fact we were staying somewhere with no children. We don't have small children and our big children get on my nerves, but lately I just get bugged out by small children crying everywhere and I don't mean to be a bitch about it, but I hate whining children in stores and restaurants. It is a huge distraction and ruins my meal or shopping or whatever I am doing. I know it can't be helped but still I am sick of it.
They drive on the wrong side of the road there and they drive like lunatics. Everyone passes and we barely missed a car coming at us several times that was passing. I didn't see any accidents but would think they have a lot of them. The roads are kind of crappy but they were expanding the road to four lanes, which IMHO could just add two more lanes of lunacy but who knows right.
There is a lot of poverty there but it is interesting to drive around. A lot of businesses and homes look like they have been frigging deserted. Like someone just up and left. It is beautiful though and the ocean drive was magnificent. I hadn't seen ocean for some time.
Our resort was impressive driving in. Of course it had perfectly manicured landscaping. Huge palm trees and flowering plants everywhere. It is somewhat colonial looking, as is a lot of buildings there, since they were controlled by the Brits for a while. This resort was built in the 50s and was restored when it was bought by couples. We were greeted by the front desk people, some women who are greeters and men in white suits that take your luggage. There was music in the lobby to greet us and the Jamaicans were just impressive. The women are so beautiful and stately. The men are funny and really supernice too. The staff at this place were all amazing, from the restaurant people to the cleaning people. They work hard and they do all they can to make you feel at home in their country.
More later

Pray For Me`

2006-03-30T05:31:00.000-08:00

I was over on Beachbody reading a thread I used to like. Actually it is the turbojam thread. I love turbojam though. I bought the initial package they put out last fall and did the cardio dvds all winter but now have recently opened the sculpt dvds and they are awesome. I highly recommend this series. I haven't bought the ones they recently put out though. I am going to do P90X this summer when I am closer to goal for sculpting and nothing is more effective than this. I have tried at least one dvd of almost everything out on the market. Tony Horton's products are the best and the X is the closest thing you can get to a workout that might come close to what you would get with a personal trainer for home workouts. Seriously. This is the real thing. Plus Tony is a cutie.
Anyway I go over and read that thread every day. There are some very motivated people on there but hardly anyone has lost any weight. They all love turbojam but no real turbo success stories have been a result of this new series from any beachbody members. They all get on and post now about personal problems and to pray for them. I just have no time for them. I do understand the need to vent your personal frustrations on the thread but it is getting ridiculous and this is a distraction from really working this program and dieting.
I read a good weight watchers thread too yesterday. Talk about controversial. This woman had a problem with her 14 year old boy and wanted some information on disciplining him. Most women who answered thought he sounded like a spoiled brat and that she should be tough and not let him get away with bs. Well then this one woman chimes in that she should let her husband do that since he is the head of the household. That turned out to be a long thread after that comment. Of course she was some christian extremist it turned out. My comment was show me a household where the man can run things better than the woman. Sometimes weight loss diversions are fun.
Reminded me of my own household and I figured out why I get so ANGRY about John's kids. I have no sympathy for turds "depression and ADHD" issues because I think his shrink is a quack and putting a kid who is 14 on amphetemines and sleeping pills should be done cautiously. She prescribed them immediately. Also I don't feel sorry for him for having divorced parents. They have been divorced over three years, probably a third of his class have divorced parents, and another third have parents with such bad marital problems that their home life is probably hell and they WISH they would divorce. My daughter was raised with no father and I had to work a lot and two jobs and she had to be home alone and she didn't act like a big baby about it. Suck it up already turd. Also, even though I like the oldest kid my problem is that I am just sick of having a kid in my face all the time. Last night we were making smoothies from a ww recipe and his dad offered him one and he made some comment about he wouldn't eat it if it is some healthy stuff that tastes like crap. I mean, I just get tired of this bs on a daily basis. John OWES me this vacation for putting up with his kids all the time. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.
Everyone around my work place freaks out about the shoes I wear. I have some high heeled harache sandals today. I love shoes and love girlie shoes. The women I work with wear like Rockports and I don't own anything like that. My 90 year old mother wears them. For some reason girlie shoes freak everyone out and everyone has to mention my shoes. I mean they are just normal shoes and the shoe stores have millions of them so I am not the only one who wears girlie shoes in the world. Cripes.

A Momentous Decision

2006-03-29T06:52:00.000-08:00

One thing my weight loss journey has shown me is that no matter what you endeavor in life, it starts with a decision. Then you set up a plan. Then take action. Normally those easy steps will lead you to success. Things may get in your way and your plan may not always go as you thought, but it all starts with a decision.
I have been looking to the universe etc for a solution to figure out how to go to Bikram teacher training. This morning I woke up and there was the decision and now I have a plan. I will do this. My goal is to go in April 2008. That gives me two solid years to save the cash and sabbotical some vacation to take the 9 weeks off to go.
I have the plan down and now will take the action. I ran numbers. Have to talk to fiance. Guess the wedding is scaled back even further. We can get married in LA as Bikram training graduation.
The poor guy. He went to his son's therapist (Quack) to discuss the ADHD. The therapist put a huge guilt trip on poor John who does NOT deserve it. He is a doting parent to this little turd. Apparently little turd is whining, which I figured, to this therapist about John not paying attention to him 24/7. He feels he has to split him with me. I mean really. Turd is 14. I am almost never home and am either shopping or at yoga and leave him plenty of time. I was hoping the therapist would work with John and the mom on behavior but that didn't happen. It is easy to give the parents blame and the kids amphetemines. Why don't they give him some ideas on how to snap this kid out of his depression with a good kick in the hiney. Poor John doesn't discipline him the way he should because he is afraid of hurting the poor kids feelings. I told my daughter that and she laughed her butt off. Like I have ever been afraid of hurting her feelings. I was tough on her and she is tough now and can take it and dish it out. That's my girl. Like mom like daughter. Can't raise whimpy kids these days. The world is too hard and no one at school or at work cares about hurting someone's feelings.

Workin It This Week

2006-03-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

I am doing a slim in six express diet and am doing well. I don't want to get complacent and wanted to lose a few more pounds before vacation although I feel comfortable with where I am. Plus, my clothes are all getting to be too big. I was going to go to yoga today but my back is still bothering me so will go home and do something else.
I am worried about the next few weeks. I am sure I won't lose on vacation and want to alleviate any gain. My plan is to stick with Core foods and eat a lot of protein and fruits and veggies and whatever healthy grains I can. I will have a few desserts and a lot of alcohol but we will be pretty active. I do want to enjoy myself. The week after I will have to miss weight watchers but will go back to the six day express diet or something similar.
Our weight watcher leader offered a scale challenge for the week. She wants us to weigh in on Saturday and not see the weight and then go to meeting and answer the question how did we do for the week. She is doing this challenge especially for the people who weigh in like three times a day and I will abstain. I only weigh myself at weight watchers and look forward to that every week. I already know how I am doing this week. I am sticking close to my plan and don't see myself falling off between now and Saturday. I already know that I gauge my life by the number on the scale and I am a long way from getting past the point where my weight doesn't dictate my mood and emotions. At least I am not in denial about that.
Some day I would like to go on the Core Plan when I am closer to goal, but am still at the point where "eat until you are satisfied" translates to "all you can eat". I do see a lot of people successful with that program though and feel it is healthier. However, my diet is already mostly healthy core foods. I do eat the smart ones and weight watcher desserts. Yumola. I try to stay away from processed foods for the most part. I have fresh steamed cauliflower and homemade meatloaf for lunch. My coworker has something in a box that won't satisfy her for long I am sure.
Time to eat yummy lunch.

In My Own Tribe?

2006-03-27T08:54:00.001-08:00

I had a friend tell me once about this book about what happens when you leave your own tribe. Wish I knew the name of the book.
Basically your tribe is your family and people you grow up that are kind of always in your life. You share a system of beliefs with them and you share similar beliefs about each other and that is hard to give up when one person changes their values from the tribes. So when one person changes, the tribe will tend to try to pull you back. I am really experiencing this with my family. My family labeled me as youngest child who is a spoiled brat for years. Now, at age 49 having raised a child as a single mom, that label no longer applies, although my sister will try to drag me back into that with stories we have heard a bazillion times over and over about how I ripped her toy due to jealousy at age 7 blah blah blah. And I can sort of tolerate this, ignore it, or change the topic.
And of course, I spent all my life as the overweight child in a family of people with food issues and I never had a husband or boyfriend due to my weight issues and became a single mom. I mean, I was the family loser. Or one of them.
Then I broke out of that mold. I have a fiance who is the best of men. Honestly he is. I will never date again if something happend, I would not date again because NO ONE could measure up. And now I have lost weight.
And my mom and sister are panicking about this. I listen to this bs all the time, but after talking to both of them this weekend, I was just boiling. This sort of meltdown can cause me to gain. It has in the past.
It is always hard when your family is not on your side.
My mom acts supportive. She told my sister, who weighs 300 lbs, about my success with weight watchers and suggested she go too. Which I know she hates. So when I called her this weekend SHE brought it up first and then proceeded to tell me that she did join a few years ago and she had a med change and when the scale at ww meeting showed a quarter pound gain, the woman weighing her in said something about her not working very hard. So she quit. She was very rude to me about this and asked what I would have done. I said I would have reported her because I never experience this and they are trained to be positive no matter what. I know one thing I wouldn't have done. Quit. Because who is that hurting. I did not say this to her, but find it strange that this is her excuse to not go. Which I would not have suggested to her. I don't tell anyone what they SHOULD do. I just told her it worked for me and maybe the women there got clicquey. I don't know. She also did not want to hear about my vacation. She changed the subject to some vacation she might do with her girlfriend. Then she proceeded to tell me how she went out to a bar with a friend one night because a guy she used to date just bought it. But he wasn't there. As I remember it, she had sort of a bad experience with this guy. And it was like 30 years ago. My sister, who is the nicest person I know, obviously thinks she can go and re-establish a relationship with him at 300 pounds and with no teeth in her mouth. She does look really bad and my mom tells her this, but this whole denial thing with her is just huge. So she is going back to find him and am sure she will be very disappointed. But I would never tell her that. It is hard to talk to someone in that state of denial, about a thousand times worse than my coworker, because someone in denial is lying to themselves all the time and then they are lying to you. Plus she is NOT supportive or happy for me with my fiance. She is jealous.
I NEVER have been jealous of siblings. Ever. My oldest sister has three homes and one is practically a mansion in Palm Beach and I have NEVER been jealous of that. But my other sister is jealous of me. I went outside the bounds of her tribal beliefs. She can't accept this. But that is her problem.
Then my mom. She has some health issues and I have been totally supportive but she practically screams at me to not lose more weight. While on the other hand she tries to use my weight loss success against my sister. That is just out and out hateful. She has a huge problem with me getting thin and healthy. I told her I had a minor back strain so she told me I shouldn't do yoga. And I shouldn't do weights.
I wonder what she thinks I should be doing with my time? Things I HATE to do? Like sew and bake which are her hobbies? I am not sure. But usually whatever I am doing is bad. She told me that lifting weights is BAD. She actually used that word. She also made a remark about hoping nothing happens to split John and I up.
HUH? Like what. We live together and have been together since we met two and half years ago. I have a big engagement ring on my finger and he is taking me to Jamaica. Are there red flags she is seeing that I am not that this relationship is going to fail? Am I living in denial?
Again, she has the problem. One thing is she doesn't think I am good enough for him. Which is also ridiculous. I pull my weight in this relationship thank you very much Jean and mom and thanks for wishing me well on my vacation. I will send a postcard okay?
I always wish the best for my daughter and am ALWAYS happy and positive and supportive with her hopes and dreams.
I am NEVER jealous. How can a mom be jealous of her kid? That is a value from my tribe I never learned. I learned these things by learning to care for me first. Now that I don't loathe myself, it is easier to not be jealous, petty, and mean. And I hope my daughter has a happy life with the best of everything she can have.
Also neither of them thought my new yoga job was cool at all. Jealous bitches. I have to always ask about my sister's painting and always encourage her and compliment her.
Anyhoo....
I did not have a loss or gain this week. I stayed even. Which is ok. I am doing the slim in six six day express this week to take off a few pounds. One week from today I will be in Jamaica.

Great News

2006-03-24T07:33:00.000-08:00

My yoga studio owner offered me a chance to get free yoga in exchange for working the front desk on Wednesday night and Sunday morning. Too good of an offer to turn down since I am a yoga freak. Told her I would think about it a day but think I will take her up on it.
I have a busy weekend planned. Lots of yoga and some errands for my vacation.
Hope I have a good weigh in tomorrow. Am already starving. I do a modified Wendy version of weight watchers and zig zag my points to confuse my sluggish metabolism. The day before weigh in is a very light point day. Tomorrow evening I am having a big steak dinner on the grill with spinach salad with roasted peppers, parmesan, artichokes and balsamic dressing.
Fortunately I like to cook and don't rely too much on restaurants and convenience types of foods. I do buy the weight watcher frozen desserts. Fiance has found his way into them now and likes them too so hope he stocks up next time he grocery shops.

Uneven Weight Loss

2006-03-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

I was right. I was noticing in the Bikram mirror the past week, that my left side is toned up and my right mid waist still has a roll. It looks disproportional to me. I thought I was nuts but just checked in the bathroom mirror. There is like this weird lump of fat on my right side I don't have on the left. I don't think I have ever had this happen. Hope that is the next fat to leave. I started doing an extra ab dvd every day, but I have missed two days. It really is firming up my midsection but I think this is almost proof about that no spot loss thing I have heard trainers talk about.
I think if you do exercise one body part over another it will get smaller to some extent.

Getting Technical

2006-03-23T07:13:00.000-08:00

When I was on my Ediets thread, we talked a lot about success. I saved some copies of my favorite posts from successful people and I believe the things I am applying from it are working for me. That is why I miss it. I wish I could access Ediets threads like you can on weight watchers without being a member.
One thing we talked about was having three point days. A long succession of three point days does guarantee success.
The three points are
Food-Eating within your calorie range and logging the food. I log food on the weight watcher tracker, which is way better than Fitday or any other one I have found. Of course, this translates into points rather than calories but occasionally I do log it in there so I can get a nutritional breakdown. I also write it down in my paper tracker I get at meeting every week. I am saving those for historical value and future reference.
Exercise is the second point-You can't do one without the other. Really. I tried the just exercise thing and turned into a fat-fit person. I was healthier and lost some inches but no real weight loss can ensue without proper nutrition. That is why you will even hear people lament that they trained for a marathon and didn't lose weight. I volunteer at the ironman every year and have seen super fat-fit women there. They are all muscle, with a layer of fat surrounding them. Bet they can eat a huge amount of food with the training they do.
Water is the third. This is a no brainer and non compromise thing. I have seen people put in negligible exercise with diet and get results. Seriously these people piss me off. I work out hard. But water is a given. You have to drink it. Weight watchers recommends a minimum of six glasses. I always drink more. I believe I have ranted before about weigh watcher whiners who claim to gag on it. Nuff said.
This time I decided to be patient with myself. I did not expect quick weight loss and did not set unreasonable goals. I didn't have a pending wedding or reunion to work towards. Something like that in the past has almost guaranteed me failure. I can't take the pressure of I only have three more months to lose 50 pounds. I gain under those circumstances. Seriously. This time I decided I do not care how long it takes. I have had some sloowww losses. It took me an eternity to get through the 190s.
You have to start and decide there is no finish line. If I hadn't started on September 1st and not looked back, I would not have lost 37 pounds. Am I where I want to be? No. Do I have a lot of work ahead? Yes, certainly.
Also I reward myself. I do almost every weigh in. I lost two pounds! I think I deserve new shoes! Last week I bought the most gorgeous, albeit unwarranted, Nine West sandals. Hot. I have two rewards for meeting my weight watcher goal and making lifetime. One is new Ugg boots and the other is jewelry. I told my fiance he has to do something for me. LOL He said he would take me out to eat. I said think MORE. This is big stuff.
He doesn't get it. There was a good news show about food addiction the other night and he commented that everyone has it since we have to eat. I also saw Wynonna on Larry King and she had been to a center for food addiction. She sounded great. She sounded like she got it. I know for her it is huge emotional issues and saw her on Oprah once with her sister and mom when she was a mess. They tried to be compassionate but of course they don't have a clue what it is like for her. She seems together now. It is also nice to see a celebrity not touting surgery or some gooey products but talking about real issues we all can relate to.
Anyway back to fiance He is just wrong. Told him he does not have an eating disorder and can not understand it. This is a man who can actually eat one Oreo at a time.
Well time to go over to weight watcher threads and see who is losing this week. Back later.

Need For Support

2006-03-22T08:55:00.000-08:00

Lately I miss my Ediets threads. It must be some need to be part of something and I am usually a very isolated person. I did not leave those boards because they were nonsupportive. I left them because I was using them to enable myself to lie and live in denial. Although there was some non-support issues. They treated me great while I was losing, but when I gained, I got treated kind of crappy, so I lied about being on plan. I was on plan maybe two hours a day. Every day was a start over. Plus, I was trying to practice elimination and practicing elimination meant giving up coke, so I drank like two gallons a day. It was a vicious cycle, so I quit and it took a long time for me to get back on board. This week I have had one coke. Because I didn't say no to myself and am not pretending I will never drink coke again, or that giving it up is the only way to get to goal. My Ediets thread would not support my new philosophy since those people are eliminationists so there is no point going back.
But I still miss it. I haven't found anything on weight watcher threads that I am interested in joining.
I am seven pounds from my lowest Ediets weight and some old crap is starting to try to sink in with me. I am having panic attacks again at night and am having weird dreams and not sleeping well. I feel gripped with fear. I am fearful I will get on the scale and will weight 221 again. That is my highest recorded weight although I know I was way higher before I joined Ediets. I have no clue how high. 250-260 I am thinking. I have seen pics of me at my highest. Lord! I won't even let my fiance see them although my mom seems to want to parade those out to him for some reason. I am also fearful of losing and not losing. Like I keep on plan, but I never lose any more weight.
I spend way too much time thinking about this but what is the alternative? I can't shut it out at all.
My coworker had to get weighed the other day at her doctor's appointment. She has lost 5 pounds since the last one six months ago. I encouraged her and told her a loss is a loss, but she felt bad and had hoped for more. I have been listening to her talk for three months about all this weight she thinks she is losing since joining a health club. I hope it doesn't discourage her but shows her that scale denial is a bad thing. I know that for sure. I was there for years. And years. Now I weigh in every week but spend most of Friday trying to talk myself out of it.
Two weeks from today I will be in Jamaica. Am glad as hell since it is so frigging cold here. The only place that is warm is yoga. I am not going today. My body is tired and I pulled a muscle in my back again. It will be better by tomorrow I am sure, but don't want to strain my back.
My back is realigning again. This is the second time since I have been back at Bikrams. It comes along with some muscle pain but once the muscles get repositioned with the spine I will feel great and will probably be taller again.

15 Pounds From Goal

2006-03-21T06:12:00.000-08:00

I almost chickened out of weigh in again. It was Saturday morning and I was doing all I could to convince myself to not go. I dragged my butt in and was two pounds down.
Last week I stuck to my points and exercise plan but was not mentally obsessed with it so could not believe I could have a loss. I was wrong. I don't have to kick myself in the butt mentally. The program works itself. That is nice to know.
My major stress factor, my daughter, is back to school for eight weeks until summer so I can totally obsess and sink myself into yoga and weight loss oblivion where I am truely happy.
They had my favorite episode repeat last night of Wife Swap. They swap a fitness competitor mom with a fat slob mom. I realized I am trying to be like the fitness competitor mom with the perfect home and family. I don't think I was ever as bad as the slob mom. Who can possibly believe raising a bunch of unhealthy kids who eat nothing but crap and watch tv is a good way to parent.
Oh, that is right. That would be my fiance. The light bulb moment went on and I realized I am sort of living the wife swap life. I got thrown into a planet of three males who do nothing but live like slobs, watch tv, and eat cardboard food. I have trained fiance to work out and eat healthier but his boys are hopeless. They think normal food is frozen pizzas, hot dogs, and bologna. They won't even eat real potatos. The only potato they will eat is instant potatos.
I have finally reached the point where I don't care what they eat but I do hate living in a dirty house. We live in a huge house and I am the only person who cleans. They just....are dirty and messy.
Two weeks until Jamiaca and I would like to lose another three pounds. I am eating light the rest of this week. We went out for a birthday dinner for fiance's kid on Sunday and I had a burger and fries. I don't regret it one bit either. It was delicious but filled me up too much. I never overeat anymore. I really don't. I never get stuffed and I was stuffed for the whole night.

How Did Everyone Get So Fat!?

2006-03-17T05:07:00.001-08:00

One morning on the bus this week there were like four HUGE women in the front where I sit. This is the Midwest but really I am noticing it more and more. There are just a lot of huge people out there. These women were basically in my age group. One had a cane. A cane at 50ish? Most of the women I work with are huge too and in my age group. I look above average and in a size 10-12 am probably one of the normal sized people. There is one woman here that is thin, but she looks like shit with a 80s hairstyle and orange makeup. Total trailor trash and I don't even talk to her.
Yesterday at the mall I was waiting for my daughter and spent a good hour people watching. At a busy mall late in the afternoon I did not see one woman that was healthy and in shape. Most of the young women in teenagers are sadly out of shape. I guess I do believe those articles and warnings now.
This country is sadly out of shape. A lot of these people were clutching Aunt Annie pretzels and high calorie Starbuck drinks too.
I spend a lot of time at the yoga studio and see a lot of scantily clothed women and men. Most of these people are in shape, especially the regulars. These people are not the norm in America. One thing I noticed is that there is a sharp difference between 40 and over and 40 and younger women. The fitness craze really hit in the 80s and a lot of the 40 and younger women are athletic looking while most of the 40 and over don't seem as fit looking and probably had spent quite some years in a sedentary lifestyle before they came over to the dark side of Bikram yoga and whatever else they do. Even Bikram says it is never too late to start.
No wonder I still look like crap at yoga, but at the mall, I looked better than most of the women I say, irregardless of age.
My scientific study of the week. LOL Evaluating who I look better than.
I did well eating this week with the stress I have been under with my daughter home. I think I am not going to weigh in this week. I have monitored my points but am just not up for the preweighin stress. I need a break. Not from eating healthy. Just a mental break. I have done three sculpt sessions, four Bikram yoga classes, and ab jam every day. I have a lot to do tomorrow too. I may change my mind though.
My daughter is going back on Sunday. Also Johns kid.
There will be no kids at my house next week. Damn that feels good to say that.

Sticking With It

2006-03-16T06:48:00.000-08:00

I am sure at some point in anyone's life, especially when we get middle aged like myself here, we look back or are holding on to some regret and we think IF ONLY I WOULD HAVE STUCK WITH X, I COULD BE Y.
This applies beyond diet of course.
If I would have stayed in this relationship, things would be better because......
If I would not have quit piano lessons, by now I would be a concert pianist.......
If I would have stayed in college, by now I would be making 150,000 a year instead of......
Fill in the blanks. Of course we don't know these things.
If I apply that to dieting, I might still be at goal weight if I had stayed on the first diet I ever went on.
I was always considered to be one of the fat kids in class, from grade school on. I was not one of those flabby fat girls, just BIG. By today's standards I would be normal because if you go look at a fifth grade class, there are way more fat kids now and by middle school, there are tons of chunky kids compared to when I was in school. My first official diet was following the weight losers diet, some early ripoff of weight watchers, that I started with my sister the summer before my sophomore year. My sister, who has always been obese, actually went to the meetings, but I did the diet with her. These diets were very restrictive in those days. There were no cheat days or free meals or extra points to swap for stuff we liked. I stuck to the letter to this diet for the whole summer. I went from approximately 160 pounds down to about 140. Looking back at those pics, I looked amazing. I got a new wardrobe of neat clothes and when I went back to school I was sure I would have a perfect life. The boys would be all over me. I would be a popular girl. None of those things happened. I remember the day exactly in English class about a month in to the school year. The boy I liked was dating a girl who weighed about a hundred pounds. I had this cute dress on with sort of a full skirt. I stood up to get something and I heard a boy say, "An elephant in a little girl dress."
This was not how I pictured I looked. I was devastated. An elephant at 5'7" 140 pounds? That is how people saw me. I never wore the dress again. Within three months I was up to 165 pounds.
I had not equipped myself and was not emotionally mature enough to handle that. If someone said that to me now, I would flatten them in no time.
Kids were harsh. They still are.
The same thing with working out. At one time I really wanted to be a bodybuilder but I felt I could not handle the diet. If I had worked at it, now I realize, I could have acheived that if I chose, but I had too much self-doubt.
You can only work at where you are at now.
I want to be an ultimate yogini. I am on my way there. At 49, I am more advanced than a lot of kids half my age. I am not too old. I am not too fat. The only thing holding me back would be to quit and I am finally mature enough to not even give that an option.